The ins and outs of integrity

I tried to lie once.

I had decided to take my three kids skiing, and was stressing about spending the money.  As we approached the ticket window, plodding along in our ski boots and bundled in our ski gear, I noticed on the sign that children under the age of 5 were free.  My youngest had just turned 5 a few weeks back, and I realized I could save $35 by pawning her off as a four-year old!   She was small for her age, I rationalized, and will hardly ski anyway -- it will be fine. However when I got up to the ticket counter, and told the attendant I needed two child tickets (for my older two) and “this one’s free”, pointing at her, he assertively smiled and said, “Great, what’s her birthdate?”

I panicked.  Should I add a year to her year of birth to take one away?  Wait--she is 5 now -- so I go down a year -- no -- up a year -- oh, why didn’t I listen better in Math?! I blurted out a date and he replied, nodding, with a comical look on his face, “Yeh, that would make her seven!”

He caught me in my lie.  I sheepishly paid the full price for her ticket and walked away in shame.  Worse than my flushed cheeks, my three little kids witnessed “mommy’s temporary memory loss” which obviously wasn’t that at all.  Later they asked me why I’d lied, and I told them I wanted to save money, and my middle child said, “But that wouldn’t be fair to others who have to pay, would it?" She had me there.  Was my attempt to twist the truth really worth the $35?  A few months later, my little one asked me something, and when I answered, she responded, “Is that true or is that like when you tried to tell that man I was four.” Ugh.  What seemed like such a small thing actually turned into a much bigger hurdle for me to overcome in establishing trust with my kids again.  And while living in integrity is much more than not telling a little white lie now and then, what comes out of our mouth is a reflection of who we are. Albert Einstein said it well, 

 “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

Our integrity (or lack of) defines whether or not we are someone who can be relied upon, trusted, and believed.  Do you lie often or do you mostly tell the truth?  I say mostly because a research study was published in 2002 by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts, who discovered that most people lie every day. The study showed that 60% of people aren’t able to have a ten minute conversation without telling at least one lie, and those in the Pinocchio category tend to tell two to three lies in the same ten minute period! (http://mentalfloss.com/article/30609/60-people-cant-go-10-minutes-without-lying)

I know, we’d like to think that we are the ones who fall into the 40%, but listen to closely to yourself in your next conversation.  Did you stretch the truth -- just a little bit?  Mention a few extra details that didn’t exactly take place to get an extra laugh?  Not tell the whole story leading the listener to believe something about you that just isn’t quite accurate?

Integrity is defined by most as the quality of being honest and possessing strong moral principles. And it’s our integrity -- especially when we’re in a leadership role -- that establishes a sense of trust and reliability from those we work with. Integrity is a key competency of emotional intelligence and truth-telling is just one of the factors that make up one’s integrity.  Barbara De Angelis, relationship and personal growth advisor, puts it this way:  

“Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less that what you know  you deserve in your relationships.  Asking for what you want and need from others.  Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

Take this short quiz to see if you are living in integrity.  Ask yourself and answer with a yes or no:

• Do I always follow through on my commitments?
• Do I know my values and live by them at all times?
• Do I accept accountability for my actions, even if they “get me in trouble”?
• Do I take a stand for what I believe is right, even in the face of opposition?
• Do I give credit to those who deserve it?
• Do I treat all people with respect, not only to their face, but behind their back?
• Do I attempt to obey the ‘spirit of the law’ (the whys behind it) as opposed to just the letter of the law?
• Do I do the right thing when no one is looking?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are well on your way to being a person of high integrity.  Now, turn to a friend or colleague and ask them to answer the same questions about you.  Are their findings the same as yours?

If you came up with “sometimes”, or even a few no’s, then good news!, you’re now seeing the areas of your integrity that could use some work.  The first step in building more integrity is to truly know your own personal values.  What is really important to you? Take some time to write them down, in any order.  Then go back, and circle the ones that are most valuable to you. Prioritize them.

Now, take a good look at your day-to-day life.  Are you living out these values? An easy way to find this out is to look at your calendar app and notice if the things you’re spending your time doing are matching up with the values you circled.  If you’re seeing a miss between your highest values and how you’re spending your time, then it’s time to lay out a personal action plan to remedy this.  Note in which situations are the conflicts most often arising (be specific -- in meetings with your boss, or when you are working alone at home, or when you are out making new business connections, or when you feel nervous, etc.).  You may begin to see a trend as to the specific situations that challenge your integrity.  Recognizing these moments as ‘trigger points’ can help you prepare beforehand to make a stronger attempt to live out your values when the situation arises.

Finally, think, "What is one action I could take, today, when in that situation, to make a shift toward living out my values?" Then get out there and give it a try.  As with most things, practice makes perfect.

Since that fateful day at the ski ticket window, I have been much more conscious of speaking the truth, even if I fear the retributions...and even if it costs me a little extra money.  As a side note, I've also taken some time to brush up on my math skills, just in case I stumble along my walk towards integrity again in the future.  

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity.  Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office."  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Growing in personal agility

When I was first divorced I was very self-conscious going out alone in public. I remember I went to a restaurant, Mimi's Cafe, in attempt to do something fun on my own like you're supposed to. It was nothing short of disastrous. I felt like everyone there stared and noticed that I was alone and wondered why?, then had quiet, hushed discussions about how unfortunate my situation was. Of course they weren't even thinking about me at all, but that is how one's thought processes are muddled after being married for years then suddenly alone. It's as if a part of your very being is missing, amputated, and you are going out in public half exposed, naked, like in a bad dream. I choked down my French onion soup and fled as soon as I paid the bill, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, shamed with the acute awareness of my awkwardness in this new, changing situation.

Personal agility is a competency of emotional intelligence, and it was obvious at the time that I had very little of it.  People who are strong in this area are able to manage shifting sands with ease -- heck, they can even anticipate the need for change before it comes about!  And not only can they manage it, they have learned to embrace change, and are quick to look for the benefits and positive outcomes that will most likely come about because of the shift.

Oh, what a far cry from my night at Mimi's!

How is your personal agility?  If you're like me, you may notice that you tend to deny, ignore, and resist the need for change.  You can feel your discomfort levels rise when you sense a shift occurring.  A common place it happens is at the office. You've been doing something one way for a long time, and it works, quite well thank you very much, then someone new comes in and scrambles things up.  New initiatives!  New platforms!  New managers!  And not just new -- "new & improved".  Why can't we just keep doing things the way we were when the old way worked just fine?

The reality is we are engaged in an ever-changing, advancing environment that is not slow-as-molasses Mayberry, North Carolina, where the old ways of doing things are always the best ways of doing things. Unless we are willing to stretch and step out of our comfort zones, we'll quickly define ourselves irrelevant and most likely, down the road, out of a job.

If you struggle in this area, here are a few tips to keep in mind as you begin your journey toward the adventure of personal agility:

• Accept that change happens--it always has and it always will.  And like it or not, there's not a thing you can do to prevent it from occurring.
• Allow yourself to feel.  The normal human response to change is denial and resistance.  If you're feeling these, congratulations, your human! But you just don't get to stay there.
• Ask questions.  The more you can learn about and understand the changes, especially the why's behind them, the more you can begin to wrap your head around what your next steps will be.
• Acknowledge what is in your control and what is not. Focus on the things you can control (your attitudes and reactions) and not on the things you cannot (other people's attitudes and reactions).
• Adjust. This is where the hard part kicks in.  Whether or not you agree with the changes, your behavior (how you respond to the change) can be modified.  You'll want to commit to keeping an open mind and maintaining the 'big picture' as you shift your perspective.
• Accept the help of colleagues, friends, coaches.  Actively seek out people who can help you through the transition and encourage you to see things in a positive light.  Most everyone has had to adjust at one point or another in life, and hearing their stories of how they were resilient can serve as great encouragement.

Fast-forward fifteen years and here I sit at a table in the open, outdoor square of my little neighborhood, fringed with restaurants and bars and stores, and lots of people. Teenagers looking at their phones, trainers hunting for Pokemon, teetering toddlers climbing on the steps with parents hovering close by. A random camera guy taking photos of people and things, an old couple in matching shirts resting their weary shopper legs, lovers kissing, and friends and families eating dinner. I am sitting here alone, in a little dress with my hiking-sandaled feet kicked up on a chair, seeking a moment of respite at the end of 9 hours in front of a computer screen. I'm sipping on a glass of wine, relaxed and content.  I am people watching (obviously). I don't care if they notice me or not. I look them in the eyes and say hi. Or don't. I chat with a four year old with messy hair about the truck in his hand and smile at his mom. I feel confident. An attractive lady and her older boyfriend walked by and then she turned back, looked at me and said, "You look so cool sitting there sipping your wine with your red bicycle. Like a scene out of Paris. You just need flowers." I added, "and a very handsome Frenchman." They laughed and walked on, and I thought to myself, "You've come a long way, baby."  The ease of the entire situation was a banner of success in my fifteen-year pursuit of learning to adapt to change.

Then with the next sip of wine I inhaled too quickly and choked, so violently that I gagged and the wine threatened to come out my nose. I tried to suppress my cough, shoulders shaking in odd spasms, tears dripping down my face. So much for the chic, Parisian look of cool collectiveness.  Though my personality agility is definitely on the upturn, I'm obviously still awkward as all get out.  But at least nowadays it's a confident awkwardness.

"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin