A better way to fight

I'm bad at fighting.

Most of my life I've been a conflict-avoider, sweeping potential disagreements under the proverbial rug. But these days I seem to face contentions head-on, boxing gloves poised and ready. This is good, for the most part--running from conflict rarely solves anything. However, now that I'm not afraid to take on the hard conversations and can bring up the minors before they become majors, I realize I could use some fighting skills. It seems I'm doing it all wrong -- taking things personally, bringing up past issues that have nothing to do with the present, throwing in hurtful digs, albeit slight and 'hidden' (but not really). I shut down after I speak my peace and am closed-minded and judgmental when the other person expresses their side of things, wounding my dissentient and getting my own feelings hurt in the process.

So I write this article for me. And for any of you who struggle when it comes to conflict resolve.

We've developed bad habits

Of course, we don't make fighting a goal. In a perfect world, we'd tune into our emotions well before conflict arises and use these wise old friends to guide us as we manage our behavior, thwarting tensions before they erupt into battles. But then again, we're human, imperfect and immature and insensitive at times, so it's highly likely disagreements will evolve into fights. Most of us have picked up some poor habits, as early as childhood, and haven't learned there is a better way.

But before we look into acquiring some new fighting skills, let's determine first if your conflict management needs some work. Here are some things you don't want to choose to do when troubles arise:

• Fail to listen to the other person's point of view with an open mind
• Instead of seeking to find common ground, fight for your own way or ideas
• Do most of the talking in disagreements
• Feel extremely uncomfortable when conflict arises
• Don't use tact when voicing your concerns, rather, you demean the other person and/or their ideas and/or use crass language to prove your point
• Say things like "always", "never", and "everyone thinks this way..." (as if you know how everyone else in the world thinks or does things)
• Bring up the past to prove your point of "Here we go again..."
• Use put downs and demeaning words, saying things you know you'll regret later
• View the other person as an adversary or foe because they don't agree with you
• Think things like, "If only they would change, this could be resolved."
• Quit and run away before the conflict is resolved
• Use dishonesty to put an end to the conflict rather than being authentic with your feelings
• View yourself as more superior, smarter, or 'a better person' because of how the other person is feeling/acting

Which of these best describes your boxing tactics?

It starts with Self-Awareness

Whether you choose one or all of the above when conflict hits, learning a new way of fighting can take some work. As with any behavior, we can make shifts in a new direction, but it's not always easy. But devoting effort to the development of conflict resolve skills will serve us well when the next battle comes along.

“Bravery is the choice to show up and listen to another person, be it a loved one or perceived foe, even when it is uncomfortable, painful, or the last thing you want to do.” ― Alaric Hutchinson

So where do we bad fighters start?

First of all, as with most things -- becoming self-aware is a good initial step. Take note of the poor habits you use when fighting, write them down, and take a hard look at them. Do they serve you well or do they usually escalate the conflict, or cause further avoidance? How do you feel when you act that way? How does it make the other person feel when you act that way? Most likely the things you're writing are not the most positive. It's OK. Recognizing the need to change often comes from acknowledging the hurt we are causing ourselves and others.

Managing our behavior

Now that you're ready to make some shifts, simply acknowledging bad behaviors is not enough. And just erasing them won't help either. As with the breaking of any old habit, it's beneficial to have a new toolkit at your disposal full of actions to replace ineffective behaviors. Here are a few to try:

• Separate the person from the problem. Don't let yourself go down the path of "this person is bad, wrong, selfish, etc." because they have a differing opinion. Fight the desire to label them and instead, focus on the disagreement at hand.
• Lay down preconceived ideas. It's easy to think you already have everything figured out before the conflict even begins. Be present and ask clarifying questions where needed so you're sure you understand their viewpoint, not your interpretation of their viewpoint.
• Take a deep breath and slow down.  An overload of feelings can cause an amygdala hijack. The amygdala is the part of the brain that processes our emotions. Because the emotional processing in our brain happens much more quickly than the rational side, if the amygdala perceives the situation is at a "fight or flight" level of danger, it will trigger a response that shuts down the rational side of our brains, causing us to say and do things we'll regret later. Trust me, this is something to avoid.
• Listen to understand. Stop thinking about what you're going to say next and tune in to what they're saying, and not saying. Watch for body language (are they agitated, are they scared, etc.) and attempt to hear what they need/want in this situation, not just what is coming out of their mouth.
• Before speaking, ask yourself, "Will this help or hurt the situation?"  Sounds simple, but it's very effective! Choose your words carefully and be sure not to throw out insults or put-downs in the heat of the moment.
• Remind yourself that their way may be a better way. Be curious. Have an open mind and think of the conversation as a way to brainstorm creative new ideas rather than taking offense because they don't agree with you.

“When we aren't curious in conversations we judge, tell, blame and even shame, often without even knowing it, which leads to conflict." -- Kristen Siggins

• Don't attach judgments about their character because of their opinions. Again, separate out the issue from the person and fight the urge to jump to conclusions about their moral integrity just because you don't like what they're saying.
• Be aware that the other person is experiencing his/her own set of emotions.  There may be drivers going on that you're not aware of -- past hurts, disappointments, or struggles that the other person is dealing with. Offer some grace, in the moment, as you seek to understand the why behind their actions or words.
• Find a way to say something valuing about the other person. Even if you don't agree with them, making the other person feel valued for who they are, in the heat of an argument, can do wonders to diffusing anger and frustration levels. A great sentence starter is, "You know what I like about you?" then fill in the rest with a sincere, kind word.

"A soft answer turns away wrath." -- ancient proverb

• Remember that the goal here is coming to a solution that works for both parties, not getting your own way. This may mean you have to reach a compromise where both of you give up a little to arrive at a peaceful outcome.

I know, easier said than done. If this list seems daunting, pick just one goal and focus on it for the next few weeks. Talk to a coach or counselor about the areas you struggle most with and seek an outside opinion on how you could begin to make some shifts. Then get out there and practice.

For those of you (us) who have done it all wrong, going back to that person and offering a sincere, "I'm sorry" can do wonders to soften pain of the blows you delivered. It takes humility and courage to admit our errors and ask forgiveness of the other person. They may reject you, scoff at you, or even attempt to continue the fight -- but these three magical words can do as much for your own angry heart as it can the other person.

Unless you live on an uninhabited, deserted island, where you have no contact with others, there will be conflicts on the road ahead. Coming prepared with healthy, helpful tactics will enable both of you to stay standing at the end of each round. Even better, as you work on your own conflict management skills, you may come to realize that it was never a fight at all, but a passionate interaction between two unique and worthy individuals, on the same team, working toward the same goal, each offering the gift of learning something new.

"We meet aliens every day who have something to give us. They come in the form of people with different opinions." -- William Shatner

Are you flexible?

"No matter what twists and turns your life offers you, your ability to be adaptable and flexible will help you to stay open to all of the hidden gifts that difficulty may offer. " --Mandy Ingber

The routine of habits

We are creatures of habit. Consider, for example, how you prepare your morning coffee each day. I'm guessing you go through the same exact steps, day by day, whether it's stopping by your favorite local coffee shop and ordering that same drink you love, or whether you make your own, carefully measuring coffee grounds into your coffeemaker and adding the same amount of sweetener and creamer to your steaming mug. Or, reflect on the route you take to work. Do you tend to turn down the same streets each day or change things up?

Oxford dictionary defines a habit as a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. Habits often imply a refusal to flex. On the contrary, flexibility, or personal agility, is our ability to anticipate and respond rapidly and willingly to changing conditions.

Does your day-to-day life consist more of habits or agility?

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligence, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin

Habits in and of themselves are not a negative thing. They are our way of getting necessary tasks done with a minimal need for brain engagement. You most likely could write down the steps you take from when you wake up to when you taste that first sip of piping hot coffee without much effort. And your route to work -- you could draw the map in your sleep. Getting dressed for work, brushing your teeth, filling the car with fuel when the tank is low -- all tasks that need to be done yet don't take a lot of effort to figure out how to do them. You've been doing these for years. Forming a habit around these seemingly mundane tasks allow you to accomplish with minimal thinking.

A study was done at Massachusetts Institute of Technology to determine how much of our behavior is fueled by habits. The researchers outfitted students with a box that monitored their activities throughout the day--sleeping, eating, walking, working, going to class, talking with friends, etc. They discovered that a whopping 90% of our daily activities follow predictable routines! And many of these routines are simply reactions to the world around us. John Bargh, psychologist at Yale University, says this: “...most of a person’s everyday life is determined not by their conscious intentions and deliberate choices, but by mental processes put into motion by the environment.”

Many habits can lead to a healthier, happier lifestyle. Take for example, your routine to eat healthy food, to exercise every day, or to spend quiet time in mediation or self-reflection. Habits such as these enable you to live the life you want, whether it be to achieve a level of health, find peace of mind, or relieve stress.

Habits get us into trouble, however, when a need for change arises and we refuse to respond. Some habits lead to poor physical health, such as overeating. Some lead to a lack of connection, such as spending too much time staring at your cell phone. At work, a refusal to flex can lead to frustration when the new manager arrives, or an inability to work well with others if you're tied to always doing things the way you want to.

Signs of personal agility

Not sure if you are flexible? Take this short quiz (adapted from the ISEI Coaching Toolkit developed by Dr. Laura Belsten) to find how you score in personal agility. Read each statement and determine how frequently you demonstrate the behavior, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1=Always, 2=Almost Always, 3=Occasionally, 4-Almost Never, 5=Never):

• I find it easy to operate out of my comfort zone.
• I am comfortable with change.
• It's okay when things are 'up in the air'.
• I readily embrace new ideas and concepts.
• I quickly make decisions and solve problems even when there's not enough information.
• I shift gears quickly when changes arise.
• I don't curse change nor do I let change put me in a bad mood.
• I like to learn new skills and new ways of doing things.
• I can take action without having the complete picture.
• I readily embrace shifting priorities.
• I am comfortable if I have to do things differently than they've always been done.
• Others view me as someone who is curious in new ways of doing things.
• I am comfortable working with people who are different from me in their thinking and problem-solving.
• I anticipate change and respond readily.
• I can juggle multiple demands with ease (and a smile).
• I am comfortable with risk and uncertainty.
• I tend to be an early adopter (of things like technology, new ideas, new procedures).
• I adjust quickly to the need for change even if the facts available to me are limited.
• I happily rearrange my schedule to make sure new priorities and deadlines are met.
• I am comfortable with chaos and complexity.

Total Score ________

If your score is:

1-20 = Your personal agility is high

21-40 = Your personal agility is moderately high

41-60 = Your personal agility is moderate

61-80 = Your personal agility has room for improvement

81-100 = your personal agility needs improvement

It's about comfort

Why are some resistant to change, and instead want to cling to habits and old ways, even if those ways are no longer serving them?

Habits are comfortable, like a favorite pair of socks or a warm, cozy blanket. Carol Kinsey Goman, an executive coach and author of the book This Isn't the Company I Joined: How to Lead in a Business Turned Upside Down, writes this in an article entitled, The Effects of Change on the Brain: "Change jerks us out of this comfort zone by stimulating the prefrontal cortex, an energy-intensive section of the brain responsible for insight and impulse control. But the prefrontal cortex is also directly linked to the most primitive part of the brain, the amygdala (the brain's fear circuitry, which in turn controls our "flight or fight" response). And when the prefrontal cortex is overwhelmed with complex and unfamiliar concepts, the amygdala connection gets kicked into high gear. All of us are then subject to the physical and psychological disorientation and pain that can manifest in anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, fatigue or anger." (http://www.sideroad.com/Leadership/change-effects-brain.html)

The thing is, change threatens to push us out of our comfort zone. And we love our comfort zones! But personal agility is increasingly becoming a vital self-management skill. Change is inevitable. It occurs within all areas of our lives -- our kids grow up and leave home, coworkers come and go, relationships shift, job descriptions mold into a new set of tasks, and our bodies -- need we mention our bodies and the aging process?! Instead of fighting the need to flex to ever-changing situations, it's more advantageous to learn how to get comfortable with ambiguity, be adaptable, and shift gears when needed.

Where to start? 

“Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped.” -- Charles Duhigg

Though change can be difficult, learning to flex and move in a new direction will help you navigate the ever-changing world around you. Here are a few ideas to try:

• Acknowledge and accept the normal human responses to change: denial, resistance, exploration, and new beginnings. Think of a change you are currently being asked to navigate. Which phase are you experiencing? Have you gotten stuck there? Simply recognizing where you are in the process can help you see the need to move forward.
• Recognize what is in your control, and what isn't. Focus on the tasks you can control. Note: Other people and their behaviors are NOT something you can control!
• Look for people who can support you during difficult transitions. Find someone who's been through something similar, or who has endured a tough time and made it to the other side.
• Let go of your preconceived ideas about 'the way things should be.' Be open to new perspectives and be willing to try out new ideas.
• Get your emotions in check. Sometimes we allow our emotions to flood and create more drama around the change than necessary. Take note of how you are feeling, and why, and spend some time processing those feelings by journaling or talking to a coach or counselor.
• "Try it, you'll like it." Sometimes the best way to navigate change is to give it a try. Take small steps in a new direction and try it on for size. Look for the positives, noting opportunities that may arise with the shift.

"Success today requires the agility and drive to constantly rethink, reinvigorate, react, and reinvent." -- Bill Gates

Are you a trust builder or a trust breaker?

Are you someone who builds trust or someone who tears it down?

The ability to build trust is a competency of high emotional intelligence. Being trustworthy means to be ethical when working with and relating to others. It means doing the right thing even when you know no one will find out. When you are a trust builder, others have confidence that your actions are consistent with your words and know that you have their best interest at heart -- not only your own. If you are a trust builder, you demonstrate respect for others' experiences, understand the hurt that deceitfulness can cause, and bring more value to relationships than pain.

Those who are strong in this competency tend to share information about themselves and don't keep secrets. They treat others consistently and with respect, and maintain high standards of personal integrity. They maintain a lifestyle that they don't have to hide from others. When you hear them talk about something, you know that their actions will match up with their words, and you can count on them to deliver on their promises and commitments.

Those who aren't so strong in this competency aren't able to build open, candid, trusting relationships. They've most likely developed a reputation for lacking integrity, and often make promises that they do not keep.They will do what serves them best even if it means undermining another person to get what they want. They lie about little things, and lie about big things. If you ask them what their values are, you may get the 'deer in the headlights' look, as they often have troubles defining their standards in the name of being 'open-minded' or 'non-judgmental'. They tend to blame others for their mistakes and withhold information to keep them out of 'trouble.'

“Earn trust, earn trust, earn trust. Then you can worry about the rest.” --Seth Godin

It's impossible to lead without being able to build trust.  When others begin to doubt you, they will think twice about following you and question whether or not you are worth teaming up with. They will mistrust your ideas and direction, and worry that you may be putting YOUR best interests before their own.

It's true that it takes a long time to build trust but only an instant to destroy it.  One self-centered lie or act of deceit can ruin how others view you for days and months to come.

Why are some trust breakers? For many, the practice of deceit stems from deep-rooted fears...fear of being accepted, fear of being known, fear of punishment, fear of self, fear of being held to expectations, fear of letting others down, fear of being disliked, fear of being an disappointment...the list goes on and on. The thing is, we all have fears. We all want to be liked and accepted and valuable in others' eyes.  But the difference between trust builders and trust breakers is that the trust builders face their fears by understanding that honesty and authenticity are what bring about those results, where trust breakers think dishonesty will get them there. But a life of deceit won't bring about deep, meaningful relationships that we all desire.

“It is true that integrity alone won’t make you a leader, but without integrity you will never be one.”  -- Zig Ziglar

Not sure if you're a trust builder or a trust breaker?

Look over these statements, and give yourself a score for each, using this scale: 1= Always, 2=Almost always 3=Occasionally 4=Almost never 5=Never

1. I share my thoughts, feelings and decision-making rationale.
2. I am able to establish trusting relationships.
3. I am open to others' ideas and willing to be influenced by others.
4. I treat people with respect.
5. I am able to influence others as a result of talking with them.
6. I have developed a reputation for integrity.
7. I treat all people fairly.
8. I say what I believe rather than what I think people want to hear.
9. I strive to behave consistently with my expressed beliefs and values.
10. I practice what I preach.
11. I focus on solving problems rather than blaming or hiding.
12. I admit my mistakes.
13. I deliver on promises and commitments.
14. I ask others for their opinions.
15. I listen to people's thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and am able to feel empathy.
16. I solicit feedback about my performance.
17. I acknowledge the contributions and worth of others.
18. When there is a problem, I work directly with those involved to resolve it.
19. I treat people consistently.
20. I follow through on the things I commit to do, even if it's not convenient for me.

Now, add up your scores and see where you land, below:

1-20 - Your ability to build trust is high
21-40 - Your ability to build trust is moderately high
41-60 - Your ability to build trust is moderate
61-80 - Your ability to build trust has room for improvement
81-100 -  Your ability to build trust needs serious improvement

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” --Stephen R. Covey

If your ability to build trust needs some work, take heart. We are talking about behavior--what you do, not who you are. Behaviors can be changed. If you would like to shift from being a trust breaker to a trust builder, here are some developmental tips to try:

• Team up with an emotional intelligence coach to help you set goals and hold you accountable as you begin this journey.
• Practice listening to others in a way that allows you to know what's on their minds and in their hearts.
• Always deliver on your commitments.  No excuses. If you are one who tends to promise then cancel --stop making the promises in the first place.
• Be emotionally available to those around you -- share the things in your heart without stretching the truth to make yourself look good.
• Never knowingly mislead or lie.  If you catch yourself doing it -- stop and admit the truth.  It's so very freeing and you'll find people respect you when you admit it in the moment.
• Articulate your values to those around you and ask them if your actions match up.
• Admit your mistakes without blame or shame.
• Get in the habit of putting others' needs in front of your own.
• Check to see if what you do in secret matches up to your public persona -- if not, in which arena are you not being true? Then ask yourself why.  Just being aware of the gap is a good start to changing behaviors.
• Forgive yourself of past mistakes.  If you've spent a lifetime lying, it's never too late to come clean and make a fresh start.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you're not sure if you should be honest or not -- keep this in mind:

“For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.” -- Bo Bennett

Putting aside your patterns of lying, deceiving and hiding, and stepping into the brave new world of integrity will open up the doors of opportunity for stronger, healthier relationships. Yes, it's going to take some work and effort. It may feel uncomfortable to begin to let others truly know you. You may face rejection and at times, disappoint people. But though it's can be a difficult process to shift behaviors, it's worth it. Becoming someone others can trust will help you develop the connection, both at work and in your personal life, that you need and desire.

Does your personal power need a jolt?

I had three people this week ask me to do something that I did not want to do.

A nice person would say yes, right?

But I am a nice person.  And I said no.

It’s not that I couldn’t do it – I could have changed around my schedule, cancelled a few appointments, overscheduled, and put myself into a situation of stress. Saying yes to them would have meant me saying no to things I already had set up and was looking forward to working on. It wasn’t that I couldn’t – I just didn’t want to.

In my people pleasing days, I would have said yes, even if it created a burden on me and others. Like many of us, I was taught to accommodate others first at a young age and was told I should always put the feelings of others before mine. As objectionable as it sounds, I actually attended a college where if a guy asked me on a date, I was expected to accept, whether or not I wanted to go out with him.  Serving others was of highest priority.

The thing is, helping others is a good thing. Having an attitude of service toward others is a competency of emotional intelligence. But so is the competency of personal power.  And there are times that we need to stand up for who we are, for what we believe, for what we want – and that’s OK.

“Saying ‘yes’ to one thing means saying ‘no’ to another.”  -- Sean Covey

Does the thought of putting yourself first make you cringe?
Personal power is a sense of self-confidence with an inner knowing that you can live the life you choose. It’s the confidence that you can meet life’s challenges and navigate difficult circumstances, having those tough conversations when needed, and speak your truth.  It’s not about being rude – or hurtful – or careless of others’ feelings. It’s the ability to do all the above in a quiet, sincere, assertive and appropriate manner.

People who have a strong sense of personal power have a calm inner conviction about who they are. They are not afraid to go after the things they want in life. They are able to tell the difference between the things they have control over and the things they do not. They know they can determine the direction their life will take and make efforts to head that way.  They define themselves as capable and can give their convictions a strong voice.

“Remember, NO ONE has the right to control your emotions, thoughts, and actions, unless you let them.”  -- Kevin J. Donaldson

For some of you, you’re nodding, recognizing these traits in yourself.  If that’s the case, kudos to you.  Those around you are most likely blessed by your confident leadership and sense of self. It’s a delight to be around someone who believes in themselves and can portray that with a calm, kind spirit. We’re not talking being bossy or demanding, which often indicate someone who is trying too hard to show others they have control.  Someone with personal power doesn’t need to be the center of attention or try to control everything (or everyone!) around them.  They are solid with who they are and how they fit into the world.

But for some, exhibiting personal power can be a struggle. These folks tend to avoid confrontations even if it would lead toward resolution of a problem that’s slowing them down. They have difficulty speaking their mind, for fear of overstepping bounds or being judged, and lack confidence in their own judgement. They avoid challenges, give in easily, question their abilities, and don’t set clear boundaries. They can be labeled as a pushover or a doormat. Often, though they say yes to something, they want to say no, and end up resenting the situation or the people involved. They tend to need approval from others and fear rejection or disapproval if they say no. Is this you?

“It’s better to say no now than be resentful later.” – Chantalle Blikman

If your personal power needs a little jolt -- good news!  As with all competencies of emotional intelligence, we’re talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed.  Here are some energizing tips to try if you struggle with personal power:

• Make a list of your accomplishments. Try to recapture how you felt when you reached your goals.
• Take note of the things you excel in, whether it be a simple task or a specialized skill set.
• Listen to see if you put yourself down and take notice in which circumstances you tend to do that.  Next time those situations crop up, make an effort to avoid self-deprecation. If you can’t say something nice about yourself, don’t say anything at all!
• Examine your boundaries with others. Do you let people take advantage of you?  Do they walk all over you?  This is not about their poor behavior so much that it is about you allowing them to.
• Let your no mean no and your yes mean yes. If you do not want to do something, practice saying, “No thank you”, “I 'm not available”, or “No, I don’t want to.”  And you don’t need to make up an excuse as to why!
• Did you mess up on something that is gnawing at your confidence? Congratulations, you’re human!  Admit your faults then let your failures go, learn from them, and move on.
• If you don’t know something – no need to feel shame -- own it and learn to say, “I don’t know…but I’ll find out."  If it’s something you’re not comfortable with not knowing – get out there and research the answers.
• Can’t control a situation? Hooray! You won’t believe how wonderful it is to let go of things (and people) you can’t control. Try it, you’ll like it.
• Journal about your best self. Dream a little dream and write down how you’d envision yourself as if you were living out that dream.
• Learn to speak loudly and clearly so others can understand you on the first try. The simple task of having to repeat yourself too many times can tug at your confidence.
• Consider reading a book or taking a course on assertiveness.
• Team up with a social + emotional intelligence coach to help you make shifts toward increased personal power.

Sometimes it’s helpful to take a step back and look at yourself in third person. It is hard to see a friend not stand up for themselves and allow themselves to be walked all over. Think of yourself as a friend and treat yourself with dignity, respect, and honor as you learn to stand tall and live out your life as you desire. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, especially when not doing so threatens your confidence, health, and mental well-being. Practice saying no when appropriate and release the guilt that can accompany not always putting others’ needs first.

We need people who will stand up for what they believe in, speak up for themselves, and act in a courageous way according to their values. It means living in integrity and is vital to strong leadership -- and this world needs good leadership! Exercising personal power gives others something to follow. Always giving in to others, especially when it’s in conflict with your values will not benefit anyone. If you’re not used to standing up for yourself, this will be difficult – I get it – a lifetime of patterns can be hard to break.  But behavior can be changed. Isn’t it high time to learn to embrace and use your personal power?

“You have a lot more power than you are giving yourself credit for.  Please embrace it.”  -- Queen Tourmaline

A jump-start to personal power

Personal power is a competency of emotional intelligence, and for some, can be a difficult one to embrace, especially if you've had a history of not speaking up.  But it's never too late to stand up for our values, no matter how inexperienced we are at it.

I sheepishly admit I have never hooked up the cables to jump start a car battery. Whenever mine has died, someone else has done it for me. But there was a young college-aged girl standing by her old, beat up Chrysler at the rest area this morning looking worried so I offered to help.

As we lifted the hood to look for her battery, which surprisingly was not in plain sight, a skinny, greasy-haired man came over and laughed, making a snide comment about girls trying to do things they can't. I noticed he hooked the first clip to the wrong car...if it matters... I thought it did. I questioned it and he retorted , "You really think you know more than me?" I hushed not because I felt dumb but because I really didn't want to touch any of the car parts and was glad he was getting his already-dirty fingernails dirtier. But then he looked me up and down and said, "By the looks of you you've probably never used a tool in your life." I bit my tongue, not really seeing how any tools would be involved in this, but when he next made a rude comment about my dress, my pre-coffee-slept-5-hours-in-the-car brain took the wheel and I said, "You're being rude and derogatory, and you need to stop". His eyes flashed and he said, "Fine, good luck jumping it yourself", threw the cables on the ground, and stomped off.

I apologized to the girl for chasing off our only help but said being spoken to that way is not cool. She nodded and said he was making her feel uncomfortable. So we googled the make of her car since she didn't have a manual and together found the elusive battery ports, hooked it up (switching around the cable he'd put on), and following the online directions, had her car running again in a few minutes. We high-fived and I smiled and jokingly said, "We're rock stars!," and she agreed.
One small step for man, one giant leap for womankind.

Then we each got in our cars, bonded by our shared success, with a new notch of confidence under our underused tool belts, and headed down the freeway in opposite directions, two solo female travelers making our way home.

The Desire to Inspire

My very first boss made me laugh. Hard. As in, sometimes I'd have to leave the room to regain my professional composure because of one of his antics. And not only was he funny, he was a clear communicator, and praised my work with specific encouragement. He complimented me in front of others and took an interest in my personal life.  He and his wife treated me like family. In return, I was more than happy to work long hours, putting in extra effort whenever I could, and even babysat his children on numerous occasions in my free time.

He was an inspiring leader.

And in being so, I was motivated to develop a strong work ethic. We accomplished a lot of great things together. He made work fun and engaging and others were envious of my job.

Are you familiar with the attributes exercise? Take a moment and think of a person who has been an inspiration to you. It could be a mentor, or a teacher, a parent, or a friend...someone who has made an impact in your life. Jot down their name, then list the qualities about them that you admire most.
Now look at the attributes you wrote down.  Do these fall under IQ, intellect quotient, or EQ, emotional quotient?  It's most likely that the attributes you noted are a competency of the latter, social + emotional intelligence. These competencies-- self-awareness, self-management, other awareness, and relationship management -- have a powerful impact on us.

One competency of emotional intelligence that has far-reaching effects on others is inspirational leadership.  It's that ability to mobilize individuals and groups to want to accomplish the goals set before them. It comes in many different shapes and forms, and there are various methods (humor, being one) that feed inspiration. People who are inspiring are able to articulate goals clearly and stimulate enthusiasm for a clear, compelling vision. They have the ability to bring people together and create a sense of belonging. They know how to create  an emotional bond that helps others feel they are part of something larger than themselves.  They are able to invoke a sense of common purpose beyond the day-to-day tasks, making work exciting and something people want to be a part of.  Does this describe you?

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” - John Quincy Adams

Each of us is capable of increasing our ability to inspire others.  But there are some hurdles that can slow us down.  Which of these tends to trip you up?

• You don't have a clear vision for the future of your team/organization
• You lose the big-picture view of the organization and get lost in the weeds
• You aren't a good team player
• You are not passionate about your work or those you work with, thus aren't able to create a sense of passion in others
• You too often think your opinion is more important than others' opinions
• You tend to think work should be a "one-man-show" ... you lead, they follow
• You ... (fill in the blank with your own stumbling block)

What's great about emotional intelligence is that these competencies can be learned and developed.  If you'd like to become more inspiring as a leader, finding a social + emotional intelligence coach can be an asset.  As well, consider these tips:

• Figure out what your vision is for your personal life as well as the vision of the organization you work with. Not sure?  Ask yourself, "What am I passionate about?  What is my company passionate about?"
• Learn to put words to that vision and articulate it in a way that expresses your feelings around the vision.
• Don't be afraid to challenge the status-quo.  Be creative; come up with fresh and innovative perspectives.
• Ask yourself what you admire in a leader (the above attributes exercise will help!) so you can develop your own definition of inspirational leadership.
• Open up high-level discussions to include your team members and value their input as substantive and valuable.
• Look for ways to create opportunities for ownership in your vision with your team members.
• Give specific compliments and don't hold back praise for work well done. Most people thrive on kind words.
• Avoid micro-managing, and give capable team and group members latitude to move things forward without needing your stamp of approval on each step of the project.
• Evaluate if you are living in integrity -- do your actions match your values? People are inspired by those who live out their belief systems in their day-to-day activities.
• Keep it fun.  People like to laugh.  A sense of humor can go a long way in creating an engaging work environment.

Here I am, twenty five years later, and I still remember the gift of inspirational leadership my first boss bestowed upon me. And now, as I lead my own teams, I find myself trying to emulate his style to hopefully inspire those I work with.  Inspirational leadership has far-reaching effects that can carry over to the next generation of employees. Let's all commit to taking a step forward in this competency this week.

“A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” - Henry Adams

Are you blind to your blindspot?

I knew I was in trouble within the first 50 yards.

It was mid-summer and I'd been riding for a good two months. In early spring, I had taken up the new-to-me sport of mountain biking, learning the basics from an experienced friend then getting out there and hitting the trails as soon as the snow melted. I embarked upon easy, rambling, single-track paths that cut through scenic groves of aspen, across meadows, and into deep mountain forests, with very few inclines or technical spots to maneuver through. These were beginner trails, but I was having so much fun I kind of missed the fact there were differing levels of terrain. I so enjoyed the breathtaking views and healthy 'burn' in my legs from pedaling for an hour at a time. I was feeling like a rock star navigating these routes with ease. So, I did what any brand-new rider would do (not): I registered for the Winter Park Mountain Bike race series.

The first race of the series was an altitude ride, starting at 8500 feet, approximately 10 miles long with an elevation gain of 2500 feet. I had a decent bicycle, a hard tail, but one that was much more lightweight than my previous hand-me-down bike, and with my thrift store biking shorts and colorful, sleeveless top with pockets in the back, I felt well-prepared for the competition. Water -- check. New cleats on my shoes -- check. Energy snacks in pocket -- check.  There was a chill in the air on morning of the race, and I couldn't tell if it was from the cool temperatures at elevation or from the pre-race jitters. I was excited to be a part of the athletic, well-toned crowd of participants that gathered at the start, giddy that I'd so quickly become a mountain biker!

The starting gun exploded, and we were off. The first 50 yards were uphill, and within minutes my legs were weak, my lungs were screaming, and I found myself immediately falling to the back of the several hundred women riders. Huh?  I'd been training...!? And in the back is where I stayed. Within the first couple of miles, I was exhausted, mentally and physically, a jumble of embarrassment, fear that I might not be able to finish, and sheer physical fatigue. I fought off the cry-feeling as I struggled to tackle the steep hill climbs, the rocky, uneven paths, the stream crossings, and the lack-of-oxygen at elevation. I wrecked. I wrecked again.  A woman who looked to be well over 80 years of age whizzed by me, as did a young girl with a pink dinosaur helmet. I lost one of my cleats which enabled one of my furiously-pedaling feet to fly off the pedal each time I hit a bump -- which was every few seconds. I couldn't help but have the "da da da, da da, da" tune spinning 'round in my head, visualizing the Wicked Witch of the West frantically pedaling through the tornado on her old bicycle. On one sharp corner, I sailed right off the trail, landing in a tangle of brambles. As I attempted to climb one particular hill, I came to a complete stop and had to walk my bike the rest of the way. I got stuck in the muck of the water crossings and even did an "end-o" when I hit a large rock square on, landing flat on my back, knocking the wind out of me, as the few riders behind me quickly swerved to not run me over.

It was obvious: I was in way over my head.  My leg was bleeding, my fingers ached from my death-like grip on the handlebars, and my mental well-being was, well, not so well. I was completely overwhelmed. As I passed one of the last water stations, I could hear the volunteer deliver a static message on the walkie-talkie as they started packing up the table: "That's the last one". Wow. Last place. Me -- last? I never get last place! This thought again triggered the cry-feeling. After what seemed like an eternity, I saw the arch of the finish line ahead, glistening like the Emerald City. Very few spectators were left, as the riders they were cheering on had finished long before me. I crossed over the chalked white line, lay down my bike, collapsed in the grass, and cried.

Accurate self-assessment is a competency of emotional intelligence. It's that inner awareness of our strengths and limitations, an ability to discern what we can and can't do. People who have it have a good clue what they can accomplish -- and what they cannot. They tend to be reflective and learn from past experiences. They are aware of their surroundings and where they fit in.
It's something that was absent before my race, and very present at the end.

In her book Insight, Tasha Eurich makes a surprising finding after conducting a series of surveys: "95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% truly are." And the causes of this 'miss'? Blind spots (those hidden areas where we need to grow), the 'feel-good effect' (we feel better when we see ourselves positively and ignore our faults), and what she calls 'cult of self', which is our tendency to be self-absorbed. (https://www.amazon.com/Insight-Surprising-Others-Ourselves-Answers/dp/0525573941/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1534976016&sr=8-1&keywords=tasha+eurich+insight)

Regarding my mountain biking skills, prior to the race, I was obviously NOT in the 10-15 percentile. I missed. Badly. And I reaped the consequences. The humiliation and absolute, overwhelming exhaustion I experienced, not to mention how sore I was for the following week from the bumps and bruises on both my body and my ego, served as a healthy reminder of my lack of accurate self-assessment.

Where do you fall in that percentage? Are you truly self-aware of your strengths and limitations?
There are some indicators in those who struggle with this competency. They tend to want to appear right in the eyes of others and compete instead of cooperate. Teamwork and collaboration skills may be low (one of the areas I struggle with!). They often won't ask for help and exaggerate their own contributions and efforts. Those that are low in this emotional intelligence competency often set unrealistic, overly ambitions, unattainable goals, and push themselves hard, at the expense of other important aspects of their lives. Sound familiar? I see it now. I had no business entering that race -- but at the time my over-inflated view of my skills and abilities took precedence.

"Because your brain uses information from the areas around the blind spot to make a reasonable guess about what the blind spot would see if only it weren't blind, and then your brain fills in the scene with this information. That's right, it invents things, creates things, makes stuff up!" -- Daniel Gilbert

Hopefully your ability to accurately self-assess will provide valuable insight that prevents you from entering a mountain bike race that's beyond your capability. But you may notice it crop up from time to time in other areas of your life. Maybe you commit to spending more hours on a project than you actually have. Maybe you catch yourself bragging on an accomplishment, so you look good, or are caught embellishing stories to make them sound more grandiose. Maybe...you fill in the blank. Most likely, after the fact, you'll realize where you missed.  And if you don't, someone will probably let you know.

“Who knows, you may be that close. You could be uncovering a blind spot or two away to take your career to the next height...” -- Assegid Habetwold, author of The 9 Cardinal Building Blocks: For Continued Success in Leadership

Is there hope for those of us who struggle with this competency? Of course. We're talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed. We often just need a signal, a warning flag, an alarm which goes off when it's time to make a shift. How to develop this sort of intuition? For starters, try these steps:

• Assess.  Consider taking a social + emotional intelligence assessment, or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or a 360 multi-rater assessment to learn more about your strengths and areas of growth.
• Learn. Read a book, sign up for a workshop, or enroll in a class to learn new things. Be open to gaining fresh insights and perspectives to develop a mindset of ongoing growth and improvement.
• Ask. Reach out to friends, colleagues, and those close to you for feedback. This is a tough one, especially if you don't like hearing anything negative about yourself. But often the reflections of others are the only way to recognize a blind spot.
• Reflect. Look back on past choices you've made, especially those that caused angst, and journal about what went right and what went wrong.
• Monitor.  Observe and watch what others do, when they're successful and when they fall. A Zen proverb says, "It takes a wise man to learn from his mistakes, but an even wiser man to learn from others."

It's always a good idea to consider teaming up with a social + emotional intelligence coach to ensure you make progress as you head down the trail to more accurate self-assessment.
Though simple, these steps may just be what you need to move into the 10-15% of self-aware people in this world. And it may save you from unnecessary bumps and bruises that blind spots can cause -- which some of us, ahem, no names mentioned, were not able to avoid.

“We all have blind spots – those areas for improvement and growth. As painful as it can be to admit we’re doing things we never wanted to do and saying things we never wanted to say, it is this acknowledgement that enables us to take the first step toward change. Be gentle with yourself. Be real with yourself. Take baby steps.” -- Rhonda Louise Robbins

The value of relating to others

I sat down after finding my name inscribed in calligraphy on the place card.  It was a delightful night to be out on the town — the warm, summer breezes and city lights danced well together to create a jovial spirit for this fundraising event. Though I knew no one in attendance–yet–my plan was to turn on my extroverted switch and add some new acquaintances to my social network on this festive evening.

Within moments a good-looking couple sat to my right, holding hands, and a few others filtered in across the way, but the seat to my left remained empty. The table was so large that conversation with guests across the expanse of linens and silk flower arrangements would be in vain, so I decided to hone in on the lovebirds. But despite my open-ended inquiries, it was quickly obvious that they’d rather spend the evening whispering in each other’s ear rather than engage with me, which was fine, but left me sitting alone.

As our salad plates were cleared, she swept in and sat to my left.  Attractive, mid-forties, with short, well-coiffed hair, a smart navy business suit, and power pumps.  She was one of those very-well-put-together business professionals that somehow always left me feeling inadequate. But that was my issue, not hers. Masking my intimidation, I smiled confidently and put out my hand for the firm-enough-but-not-too-firm handshake and welcomed her to our table.  She looked me over with a nonchalant glance, pursed her lips, and began texting someone (obviously more important than me) as she sat down.

Not one to be quickly daunted, as she finished her text I introduced myself and asked her about her work.  As she answered, with a clipped, succinct sentences, I hurriedly formulated my own response in my head. I honestly didn’t hear a word she said, as I was contemplating what I could possibly say when she asked about me that would make her raise her perfectly plucked eyebrows with interest. I never got my chance. She didn’t reciprocate nor showed any interest in conversing.  After several failed attempts to draw her out, I caved and turned to my chicken dijon with rice until the presentation began. So much for connecting that evening. It just wasn’t going to happen.

There is a quality of social and emotional intelligence called interpersonal effectiveness, and it’s the ability to tune into others with compassion and sensitivity. You know the type. They have a contagious, positive enthusiasm that puts you at ease the moment you meet them. They demonstrate a genuine interest in you and you can tell they actually want to know you. These people possess exceptional listening skills, interact smoothly with others, and are able to make even the most uncomfortable situations comfortable.

Not only were my table partners lacking this quality that night, but so was I. Instead of knowing how to navigate the icy situation with my well-dressed companion, I eventually mirrored her coldness and gave up. The once-cheerful evening quickly became a disappointment and I longed for dessert to be served, not so the decadent sweetness could delight my mouth, but because it signaled the welcome end of an uncomfortable evening.

Does it matter if we really connect well with others?  Theodore Roosevelt stated,

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”

I admire people who can build rapport with all types, no matter the situation.  But specifically in the workplace, interpersonal skills are an important value add because it is our relationships, with bosses, managers, coworkers and customers, that — get this — have the greatest impact on our happiness and contentment in our roles, more so than our workload or tasks or responsibilities or opportunities. (http://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2014/09/22/4-reasons-social-capital-trumps-all/#352a5e0e7b24)

“Financial capital is the funding you need to get off the ground, sustain growth, and develop operations. Human capital is the team that brings value to your organization. And while both are essential resources for your business, social capital — the connections and shared values that exist between people and enable cooperation — is the key to entrepreneurial success.” — Chris Cancialosi

If you’ve ever experienced conflict with those you work with, you understand the depth of stress these strained relationships can cause, and we all know the ill-effects of stress, let alone it being downright miserable. Interpersonal relationships also directly affect our productivity. If you’re a leader with disengaged employees, prepare yourself to watch your resources wash right down the drain. Studies show that companies with engaged employees earn twice the net income of those with disengaged employees.  How does the saying go?  “75% of people quit their bosses, not their jobs.”  When you have a chance, check out this surprising infographic of stats: http://www.dailyinfographic.com/10-shocking-statistics-about-employee-engagement-infographic

Max Messmer, who wrote Managing Your Career for Dummies, says this:

“Your career success in the workplace of today – independent of technical expertise – depends on the quality of your people skills.”

How do you know if your interpersonal skills could use some work?  Self-awareness is a key, and if that is lacking, we may miss how we come across, and may need the help of an outside opinion.  If you have a close friend and/or colleague that will be up front with you, and you’re feeling brave, ask them these questions:

• Is the first impression I give cold or warm/inviting?
• Do I ever come across arrogant or unapproachable?
• Am I a good listener or do you feel I’m too quick to share my own stories, opinions, and insights?
• Do you feel safe to come talk to me about anything?
• Do you feel like I know you well?  Do I allow you to truly know me?
• Do I ever come across like I’m judging you or devaluing your viewpoint?

If you don’t have someone who’ll give you honest responses, you may consider working with asocial + emotional intelligence coach to do a 360 assessment, where others have an opportunity to evaluate you.  These can be very eye-opening and give you revealing insight as to how you come across as you interact with others. The beauty of a 360 as well is that the raters can remain anonymous which encourages participant authenticity.

In the meantime, in the words of Stephen Covey, “Seek first to understand.” Try focusing on just one of these suggestions this week to see if you can begin to make a shift in your interpersonal effectiveness:

• Ask open-ended questions. Most people like to talk about themselves, and rarely get asked how they are feeling. Learn to draw people out.
• Make yourself maintain eye contact if you are one who tends to look “out there” when communicating.  Don’t they say the eyes are the window to the soul?
• Force yourself to listen and not be thinking about what you’ll say next. I’m terrible at this. This can be tricky, especially if you’re concerned about having the perfect response.  Really tune into what they are trying to communicate by staying present in the moment.
• Watch for cues that demonstrate not only what they’re saying, but not saying. Is your presence making them uncomfortable? Are they bored because you are talking too much about yourself? Did your last comment make them wince?  Again, watch for reactions in the eyes.
• Develop an understanding of cultural, religious, socioeconomic, and gender differences.  It’s too easy to offend someone by our ignorance.  Read, read, read to educate yourself about diversity.
• Withhold judgment.  It’s one thing to have your own opinion.  It’s another to think it’s your way or the highway.  Remain open to new ideas and ways of doing things.
• Share details about yourself when appropriate. The whys are much more interesting than the whats.  Learn to be a storyteller.
• Check your own non-verbals.  Are you frowning?  Are your arms crossed?  Are you fidgeting? And by all means don’t check your phone while others are trying to talk with you!
• Ban complaining. No one wants to hear it, really, and it puts colleagues in an uncomfortable position. (“If I nod, then they think I agree, if I don’t, they think I’m not being supportive…!”).  Find a close friend to share your struggles with — or a counselor or coach — but make an effort to keep complaints and negativity out of relationships, especially at the office.

There will of course be people that we just can’t connect with. It’s normal. But with some brushing up on our interpersonal skills, we can at least make those situations a little more tolerable, if not pleasant.

The ins and outs of integrity

I tried to lie once.

I had decided to take my three kids skiing, and was stressing about spending the money.  As we approached the ticket window, plodding along in our ski boots and bundled in our ski gear, I noticed on the sign that children under the age of 5 were free.  My youngest had just turned 5 a few weeks back, and I realized I could save $35 by pawning her off as a four-year old!   She was small for her age, I rationalized, and will hardly ski anyway -- it will be fine. However when I got up to the ticket counter, and told the attendant I needed two child tickets (for my older two) and “this one’s free”, pointing at her, he assertively smiled and said, “Great, what’s her birthdate?”

I panicked.  Should I add a year to her year of birth to take one away?  Wait--she is 5 now -- so I go down a year -- no -- up a year -- oh, why didn’t I listen better in Math?! I blurted out a date and he replied, nodding, with a comical look on his face, “Yeh, that would make her seven!”

He caught me in my lie.  I sheepishly paid the full price for her ticket and walked away in shame.  Worse than my flushed cheeks, my three little kids witnessed “mommy’s temporary memory loss” which obviously wasn’t that at all.  Later they asked me why I’d lied, and I told them I wanted to save money, and my middle child said, “But that wouldn’t be fair to others who have to pay, would it?" She had me there.  Was my attempt to twist the truth really worth the $35?  A few months later, my little one asked me something, and when I answered, she responded, “Is that true or is that like when you tried to tell that man I was four.” Ugh.  What seemed like such a small thing actually turned into a much bigger hurdle for me to overcome in establishing trust with my kids again.  And while living in integrity is much more than not telling a little white lie now and then, what comes out of our mouth is a reflection of who we are. Albert Einstein said it well, 

 “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

Our integrity (or lack of) defines whether or not we are someone who can be relied upon, trusted, and believed.  Do you lie often or do you mostly tell the truth?  I say mostly because a research study was published in 2002 by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts, who discovered that most people lie every day. The study showed that 60% of people aren’t able to have a ten minute conversation without telling at least one lie, and those in the Pinocchio category tend to tell two to three lies in the same ten minute period! (http://mentalfloss.com/article/30609/60-people-cant-go-10-minutes-without-lying)

I know, we’d like to think that we are the ones who fall into the 40%, but listen to closely to yourself in your next conversation.  Did you stretch the truth -- just a little bit?  Mention a few extra details that didn’t exactly take place to get an extra laugh?  Not tell the whole story leading the listener to believe something about you that just isn’t quite accurate?

Integrity is defined by most as the quality of being honest and possessing strong moral principles. And it’s our integrity -- especially when we’re in a leadership role -- that establishes a sense of trust and reliability from those we work with. Integrity is a key competency of emotional intelligence and truth-telling is just one of the factors that make up one’s integrity.  Barbara De Angelis, relationship and personal growth advisor, puts it this way:  

“Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less that what you know  you deserve in your relationships.  Asking for what you want and need from others.  Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

Take this short quiz to see if you are living in integrity.  Ask yourself and answer with a yes or no:

• Do I always follow through on my commitments?
• Do I know my values and live by them at all times?
• Do I accept accountability for my actions, even if they “get me in trouble”?
• Do I take a stand for what I believe is right, even in the face of opposition?
• Do I give credit to those who deserve it?
• Do I treat all people with respect, not only to their face, but behind their back?
• Do I attempt to obey the ‘spirit of the law’ (the whys behind it) as opposed to just the letter of the law?
• Do I do the right thing when no one is looking?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are well on your way to being a person of high integrity.  Now, turn to a friend or colleague and ask them to answer the same questions about you.  Are their findings the same as yours?

If you came up with “sometimes”, or even a few no’s, then good news!, you’re now seeing the areas of your integrity that could use some work.  The first step in building more integrity is to truly know your own personal values.  What is really important to you? Take some time to write them down, in any order.  Then go back, and circle the ones that are most valuable to you. Prioritize them.

Now, take a good look at your day-to-day life.  Are you living out these values? An easy way to find this out is to look at your calendar app and notice if the things you’re spending your time doing are matching up with the values you circled.  If you’re seeing a miss between your highest values and how you’re spending your time, then it’s time to lay out a personal action plan to remedy this.  Note in which situations are the conflicts most often arising (be specific -- in meetings with your boss, or when you are working alone at home, or when you are out making new business connections, or when you feel nervous, etc.).  You may begin to see a trend as to the specific situations that challenge your integrity.  Recognizing these moments as ‘trigger points’ can help you prepare beforehand to make a stronger attempt to live out your values when the situation arises.

Finally, think, "What is one action I could take, today, when in that situation, to make a shift toward living out my values?" Then get out there and give it a try.  As with most things, practice makes perfect.

Since that fateful day at the ski ticket window, I have been much more conscious of speaking the truth, even if I fear the retributions...and even if it costs me a little extra money.  As a side note, I've also taken some time to brush up on my math skills, just in case I stumble along my walk towards integrity again in the future.  

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity.  Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office."  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Who should I choose to lead?

When looking to fill a managerial position, promoting a reliable, hard-working employee seems to make sense, and happens often.  We think, “She’s such a good staff member and consistently completes her projects with expertise – she’s the obvious choice to lead our team”

But the gulf between being a doer and a leader can be vast, especially if the individual lacks social and emotional intelligence – specifically, the competency of coaching and mentoring others.

A Gallup study released in 2015 found that approximately 50% of the surveyed employees left a job to get away from their manager. The impact of this kind of turnover on a company’s bottom line can be staggering, leading us to tconclude that it is imperative to get the right person into leadership roles.

How can you spot someone who has this ability to lead— one who can sense the team’s capabilities and give them the tools and experiences that will help them develop to their fullest potential? Keep an eye out for these three telltale qualities:

• They take time to learn about and get to know their coworkers. They have a good grasp of the personal goals of those around them, and understand the hurdles that may be preventing him/her from reaching them.
• They show a genuine interest in helping their colleagues improve their performance and at times have provided solid support and direction when needed.
• They demonstrate on a regular basis that they clearly recognize both the strengths and blind spots in their teammates, yet treat each individual with the same amount of respect.

To put it succinctly, I’ve modified Brian Tracy’s quote below, substituting the word “managers” for “people”:

“Successful people [managers] are always looking for opportunities to help others.  Unsuccessful people [managers] are always asking, ‘What’s in it for me?’ – Brian Tracy

So what qualities are yellow flags when choosing a manager? Someone who may potentially struggle as a leader probably doesn’t like to delegate and believes that individually, they can do the best job. They are restless in meetings, especially when collaboration is necessary. They are annoyed at having to share details of their personal work projects with others and don’t enjoy communicating the details with teammates. They may resent having to receive and give feedback and only do it when necessary (at performance reviews, for example). They find it a waste to time to connect with their colleagues on a personal level and most likely don’t know the names of their teammates’ spouses, children, and pets. Time spent with coworkers after-hours is minimal. They are feared more than liked and others do not naturally turn to them to share struggles, doubts, or missteps.

Just because an employee is coming up short in the area of coaching and mentoring others, though, doesn’t mean you should write him/her out of your managerial prospect book forever. Social and emotional intelligence can be learned, and with the help of a trained coach, a solid self-assessment—and a willingness to learn – an individual can begin to develop and hone his/her interpersonal skills and move toward a managerial mindset.  And if you’ve got the skills, consider setting aside time to mentor him/her toward growth by modeling both in and out of the workplace what good coaching and mentoring looks like.  Benjamin Franklin summed up the value of coaching and mentoring others like this: “The greatest good you can do another is not just share your riches, but reveal to him his own.”

Taking the time needed to put the right manager in place will have positive long-term effects on your organization.  In an article in Forbes.com, contributor Amy Rees Anderson puts it like this:

 “When good leadership is in place in a company, it can be felt throughout the entire organization…The result of good leadership is high morale, good employee retention, and sustainable long-term success.” 

I get by, with a little help, from my friends

I don’t like it when someone offers advice to me when I didn’t ask for it.  You know those people who always have a better way of doing something, and are more than happy to share it with you?  How does it make you feel?  And how about when someone offers some ‘constructive criticism’ on the way you did something when you honestly weren’t even looking to them for input?

I went swing dancing a few weeks ago and carefully chose my outfit that night based upon style and versatility. I specifically chose to wear my Converse All-Star sneakers, primarily because one, they looked cool with my outfit, and two, the last time I’d worn heels and my feet were killing me.  Wouldn’t you know that later that night, a random “helpful” man took it upon himself to point out that I should wear boots with heels instead of the shoes I’d picked.  *?!*  Why he felt the need to offer this advice baffled me. I know, you’re thinking it was because I was dancing poorly, but I wasn’t. Really. And besides, he was the one who was not a strong lead and kept getting off beat.  My response? It was really mature. “I’m sorry, what?!  Oh, so you who have now known me for 5 minutes are suddenly an expert on my feet?  You, who have no idea how long I’ve been dancing, or how badly my back hurt last week from high-heeled shoes, or what my delicate lovely feet even look like? You (as I judged his dated button-down shirt and too-baggy jeans) who have no clue as to the advanced thought process it takes to put together a well-coordinated-yet-practical outfit for dancing?  You, man who doesn’t know me, really have the 411 on which shoes would have been best for me tonight?”  I really laid into him.  Well, not really, not out loud at least. But all the way home in the car I had that terrific conversation with him, in my head.

It’s a trite story to illustrate a point. We don’t like to hear advice we’re not looking for.  But when it comes to our work performance, or the way we are getting along with others in the office, or our leadership style, can we remain close-minded when someone offers their two cents worth?

“But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, save me, oh save me from the candid friend!”  -- George Canning

Being able to accurately self-assess is a competency of social and emotional intelligence.  And if we’re not able to make an accurate assessment, there are times when we need others to step in and help.

Just because we think we are great at something doesn’t mean we are great. I’m always amazed at the try-outs they televise for American Idol.  You know, the ones that are really, really bad but they think they are really, really good.  Off tune is putting it nicely.  In their minds they truly think the panel of three will shout a unanimous, “You’re going to Hollywood!”, and are shocked when they instead hear Jennifer’s, “Sorry, Sweetie.”  How did this miss occur? You wonder why a good friend never pulled them aside to say, “Pal, listen, I love you, and you have so many talents, but singing just isn’t your thing."

No, it’s not easy to receive advice or correction, but candid feedback can give us the insight we need to be a better us.

It is a brave thing to be able to ask others what they think about you. And yet even braver to be OPEN to what they say. There is a proverb that says, “Faithful are the wounds from a friend…”  Wounds. Correction can feel just like that. It stings and if we’re not careful can leave a scar if we take it the wrong way. The truth is, it is much easier to stay right where we are and not grow or change. Most people hit a ceiling of emotional intelligence and are content to stay right there. If that’s where you’re at, then so be it. But if you want to develop, and thrive, and succeed – if you want to break through that ceiling and reach your fullest potential—you’re going to want to start asking for feedback, and even more importantly,  listen to it. We all have blind spots that we just can’t see clearly. By reaching out to close friends, trusted colleagues, or a coach, we can gain insights that will open us to growth and help us develop our weaker competencies into strengths.

How do you react to feedback?  Like I did with my dance shoes? I have to admit, after-the-fact, that the shoes I chose that night didn’t have the greatest traction on the dance floor, and I even developed a blister toward the end. Maybe random man was on to something there. Maybe next time, I’ll attempt to remain receptive to feedback.  Maybe.