I get by, with a little help, from my friends

I don’t like it when someone offers advice to me when I didn’t ask for it.  You know those people who always have a better way of doing something, and are more than happy to share it with you?  How does it make you feel?  And how about when someone offers some ‘constructive criticism’ on the way you did something when you honestly weren’t even looking to them for input?

I went swing dancing a few weeks ago and carefully chose my outfit that night based upon style and versatility. I specifically chose to wear my Converse All-Star sneakers, primarily because one, they looked cool with my outfit, and two, the last time I’d worn heels and my feet were killing me.  Wouldn’t you know that later that night, a random “helpful” man took it upon himself to point out that I should wear boots with heels instead of the shoes I’d picked.  *?!*  Why he felt the need to offer this advice baffled me. I know, you’re thinking it was because I was dancing poorly, but I wasn’t. Really. And besides, he was the one who was not a strong lead and kept getting off beat.  My response? It was really mature. “I’m sorry, what?!  Oh, so you who have now known me for 5 minutes are suddenly an expert on my feet?  You, who have no idea how long I’ve been dancing, or how badly my back hurt last week from high-heeled shoes, or what my delicate lovely feet even look like? You (as I judged his dated button-down shirt and too-baggy jeans) who have no clue as to the advanced thought process it takes to put together a well-coordinated-yet-practical outfit for dancing?  You, man who doesn’t know me, really have the 411 on which shoes would have been best for me tonight?”  I really laid into him.  Well, not really, not out loud at least. But all the way home in the car I had that terrific conversation with him, in my head.

It’s a trite story to illustrate a point. We don’t like to hear advice we’re not looking for.  But when it comes to our work performance, or the way we are getting along with others in the office, or our leadership style, can we remain close-minded when someone offers their two cents worth?

“But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, save me, oh save me from the candid friend!”  -- George Canning

Being able to accurately self-assess is a competency of social and emotional intelligence.  And if we’re not able to make an accurate assessment, there are times when we need others to step in and help.

Just because we think we are great at something doesn’t mean we are great. I’m always amazed at the try-outs they televise for American Idol.  You know, the ones that are really, really bad but they think they are really, really good.  Off tune is putting it nicely.  In their minds they truly think the panel of three will shout a unanimous, “You’re going to Hollywood!”, and are shocked when they instead hear Jennifer’s, “Sorry, Sweetie.”  How did this miss occur? You wonder why a good friend never pulled them aside to say, “Pal, listen, I love you, and you have so many talents, but singing just isn’t your thing."

No, it’s not easy to receive advice or correction, but candid feedback can give us the insight we need to be a better us.

It is a brave thing to be able to ask others what they think about you. And yet even braver to be OPEN to what they say. There is a proverb that says, “Faithful are the wounds from a friend…”  Wounds. Correction can feel just like that. It stings and if we’re not careful can leave a scar if we take it the wrong way. The truth is, it is much easier to stay right where we are and not grow or change. Most people hit a ceiling of emotional intelligence and are content to stay right there. If that’s where you’re at, then so be it. But if you want to develop, and thrive, and succeed – if you want to break through that ceiling and reach your fullest potential—you’re going to want to start asking for feedback, and even more importantly,  listen to it. We all have blind spots that we just can’t see clearly. By reaching out to close friends, trusted colleagues, or a coach, we can gain insights that will open us to growth and help us develop our weaker competencies into strengths.

How do you react to feedback?  Like I did with my dance shoes? I have to admit, after-the-fact, that the shoes I chose that night didn’t have the greatest traction on the dance floor, and I even developed a blister toward the end. Maybe random man was on to something there. Maybe next time, I’ll attempt to remain receptive to feedback.  Maybe.

Integrity: Are you living out your values?

On a recent first date I met a guy who claimed he loved camping. This was a good thing to hear because I really like camping too, and go every chance I get on warm, summer Colorado weekends. He went on to tell me how passionate he was about the great outdoors, how he loved sleeping in a tent, and being in nature.  “I absolutely love camping!” he proclaimed, loud enough that I actually glanced sideways to see how many other restaurant patrons heard the good news. I then asked him when was the last time he had gone camping, and he replied, wistfully, “Oh, it’s been at least 20 years...”

There wasn’t a second date.

Now you may think that the subject of camping is a shallow one to determine dating potential upon, and I agree. That’s not the point. There is a competency of social and emotional intelligence that shows up – or doesn’t – when what we believe doesn’t match up with how we live. It’s called integrity.

Most of us think of integrity as that ability to maintain high standards of ethics at all times, someone who always able to be honest and exercise good, pure motives.  And while that definitely is an aspect of integrity, it is also the ability to live out our values in our day-to-day lives.

Most of us know what we believe in. Don't we? Try it, right now – jot down five or so things that you are passionate about. Not just interests (I’m trying to move us off the camping topic) but things you are moved by, things you would fight for, things that you would sacrifice your time and effort for. It shouldn’t take long to compile this list. (If it does, you may want to consider meeting with a coach to help you establish your core values and be able to speak to them). Once you have this list in front of you, take a moment to think on each one, and write down a moment in time when that value came into play. For example, maybe one of your values is “family” – beside that you may write, “Spent last Friday night playing board games with my kids”.  Now look at these moments – and determine, when did each most recently occur?  If you find the last time you spent time doing something you passionately believe in was months, maybe years ago, then there’s a good chance that you are not living out your life with integrity.

Don’t feel bad if that’s you.  Most of us find ourselves in places where our jobs, relationships, or extra-curricular activities don’t match up to our values.  It’s easy to end up there.  Life has its way of taking twists and turns that can lead us down a path that is far from our heart. If you’re there, know that it’s actually a good place to come to.  It’s those moments when we realize there is a miss which can spur us to make a much-needed shift in a new direction.

If you recognize that it's time to get back to actually living out your values, there are some simple (not easy, but simple!) steps you can begin to take to get back to your heart.

• Again, know what your values are. Refer to this list of common values so you can name them accurately:  List of values
• Prioritize your values. Which are most important to you? Which are must-haves and which are would-like-to-haves?
• Display your values in a visible place for a constant reminder.
• Ask yourself (and answer honestly):  Am I living out this value in my day-to-day life? If you feel you may struggle with this self-assessment, consider reaching out to a coach or taking a 360 assessment to help you become more aware of where you’re at on this one. Sometimes an outside opinion can work wonders in aiding accurate self-awareness.
• Make small shifts. If you wish to spend more quality time with your family, carve out an hour this week and do it. Let your core values become priority. Don’t allow anything else to come up that will keep you from doing it.

If someone looked at your appointment calendar, would the contents reflect who you are and what you believe in? Time is precious, and there are not many things more frustrating than feeling like we are wasting our time. How we spend it truly speaks to who we are.

Are you content with how you are living out your life?  If your day-to-day doesn’t match up with your heart, each moment spent saying yes to activities that are not your values is saying no to those very values. It takes courage and effort to make these shifts, but the treasure that comes from living a life of integrity can be rewarding—and may even get you that second date.

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." ~Henry David Thoreau, "Economy,"  Walden, 1854