Solo-Camping on Mustang Island, TX

I think a little beach getaway around Valentine's weekend may become a tradition. I miss the days of our multiple, 7-day trips back in my old life, together vacationing at high-end, beautiful places, staying in nice hotels and eating fancy dinners out, as a married couple, but life takes its twists and turns and, well, you just don't get everything you want whenever you want it. The thought of vacationing alone does not appeal to most, and I must admit it never called out to me, but I am learning how to enjoy little getaways on my own, for about 1/8 of the cost on my frugal budget. 

A few weeks ago I searched for warm destinations to which I could fly inexpensively (under $100), and packed my camping gear into one tiny personal item with just a few versatile clothes. Once at my destination, I found an equally inexpensive rental-car and with a quick grocery store stop for snacks, a small styrofoam cooler, and some bandages for my messed up knee, drove a couple hours south to the Gulf. The drive took me through an eclectic mix of ranch land, cows, horses and goats, dotted with ramshackle houses, RVs, and trailers. I found it interesting to see farm houses with palm trees in the yard.

Mustang Island State Park is situated on a desolate spit of sand just miles out from Corpus Christie, TX. It's a sandy, windy destination and the primitive camping is without electric or running water. The beachfront campsites are merely a wooden picnic table half-buried in the sand on the wild, un-commercialized beach in front of the dunes that are covered in a wild sage that smells like pepper. With no hotels in sight, it's as if your feet are the first to walk the isolated shores first thing in the morning when the waves have swept the sand clean. There were just a few other campers the day I got in and because the sites are spread out about fifty yards apart, I pretty much had the beach to myself, though more people arrived for the weekend...families, young couples, old couples, people like me who share a love for the beach and camping. I saw a lot of broken sand dollars but no perfect ones this time. I think there's an analogy in there somewhere but haven't put words to it yet. My hammock was a treat and I spent many hours just swinging away in it, people-watching, bird-watching, wave-watching.  The elderly campground host, with a quick missing-a-tooth smile, who drove around in a 4x4 to pick up trash, etc.,  was so kind to check in on me every day.

When you're alone, you have a lot of time to think. And sing. And talk to yourself. Self-doubt will try to creep in, especially when you do dumb things like try to run up the escalator backwards at the airport on your way there and trip and fall and rip your knee open. But it's in the quiet moments, alone, that self-love can also be explored, experienced, and embraced...despite having a big bandage on your knee as a reminder of decisions that maybe weren't the best.

I had several in-depth conversations with random passerbys that probably weren't random, but for the most part absolutely enjoyed my own quirky company. I got the car stuck in the sand four times which was stressful as it triggered that underlying, ongoing fear of "am I really capable on my own?", but I finally took about an hour to dig out a path from my tent to the packed-down 'driving' area with an old Igloo lid that I found in the sand. It was hard work but I just tried to imagine that I was digging a glorified sand castle. After digging and digging then pouring water on it to pack it down I was so proud that I drove right out that last day with no spinning tires.

It's unbelievable waking up to the sunrise just steps away from your tent door. The gray misty sky meets with the grey misty sea until the sun breaks through and separates the two into blues. There is a sacredness about sunrise on the beach that leaves you in awe. Sun-kissed warm days were followed by cool, damp nights boasting an array of stars before the moonbeams took over nightlight duty. Everything got wet at night from the heavy dew and ocean mists. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever gotten but I can't complain about waking up several times throughout the night and hearing the surf crashing and seeing the moonlight dancing on the crests of the waves. The last afternoon and evening was so very windy that I moved my tent to the other side of the car to get a little reprieve. It was great for the kite surfers but difficult to cook and ripped my tent, and by the end absolutely everything in my possession was covered in sand. Again, there are worse things in life and I wasn't complaining. So thankful to get to have a few days off work to take a much-needed adventure with myself.  I'm not such bad company after all.

The offense of being offended

Has anyone done something to you, or said something to you, even if it was a few days ago or maybe even months, and you’re still stewing on it?

Yeah, me too.

Most likely we all have people in our lives that offend us. When you read through status updates on social media, it’s almost like a play-by-play of events that people are offended by, both big and small. Family, friends, strangers in a store, coworkers, policy makers, restaurant owners, pastors, no one is excused from their seeming wrongdoings and missteps. And it can make us feel/appear “cool”, witty, smart, and funny to express offenses publicly. I am guilty as charged.

“It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase.” — Stephen Fry

It is a competency of emotional intelligence to exercise the ability to stay composed, positive, and kind in trying moments. Those with this skill set are able to remain cool under pressure and choose not to escalate a problem when they feel attacked or aggressively confronted by someone. Just this morning I read these wise words: “A man’s (or woman’s of course) wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” To our glory?  One definition of glory is this: “High renown or honor won by notable achievements.”  If this is true, then it is a notable achievement that will bring us honor when we choose not to notice, to choose not to call someone out, to choose not to be angry, or hurt, or slighted when that someone offends us.

Who is your someone? The one person you let get under your skin, and with whom you allow yourself to be offended by? The one you can justify being offended by because what they’ve done (and are doing) is really hurtful. I know who mine is, and it’s not an is but an are, not a someone but a somethem. They irritate me and seem to make an effort to continue to do so. However, I have a choice. I can choose to stay in my anger toward them, allowing them to depress my day and wreak havoc on my spirits, or I could try this ‘overlooking’ thing.

Are you up for a challenge today? Test this this little nugget of wisdom out and see how it works. Make an attempt to choose, not what everyone else around you is doing, but to overlook someone who is has offended you, just for kicks. Of course this is not referring to staying in a relationship with someone who is dangerous or can cause you harm. But the everyday people in your life that are offensive — who annoy you, who push your buttons, who tweak you the wrong way–what if today you gave them a break? Let them off the hook? It doesn’t mean you forget what they’ve done, or pretend it hasn’t happened, but you choose not to be offended by them.

How does it look to not be offended?  For you it may be shifting your thoughts when you wake up and not allow yourself to brew on the offense first thing in the morning. It may mean not talking about it in the kitchen at work with your coworkers. It may mean saying, “Sure!”, when your manager asks you to do something in a way you read as demeaning instead of rolling your eyes or giving her ‘the look’.  It may mean giving your coworker a smile instead of a sneer, or allowing that person who you disagree with to express their opinion, no matter how annoying it may be. It may be asking a colleague you dislike out to lunch to better understand why they do the things they do.

You of course don’t have to. But it’s Monday. The start of a new week. Why not give it a try today and see what happens? Maybe tomorrow too. Maybe even next week — but that’s a long way off so let’s see how this goes first.

I get by, with a little help, from my friends

I don’t like it when someone offers advice to me when I didn’t ask for it.  You know those people who always have a better way of doing something, and are more than happy to share it with you?  How does it make you feel?  And how about when someone offers some ‘constructive criticism’ on the way you did something when you honestly weren’t even looking to them for input?

I went swing dancing a few weeks ago and carefully chose my outfit that night based upon style and versatility. I specifically chose to wear my Converse All-Star sneakers, primarily because one, they looked cool with my outfit, and two, the last time I’d worn heels and my feet were killing me.  Wouldn’t you know that later that night, a random “helpful” man took it upon himself to point out that I should wear boots with heels instead of the shoes I’d picked.  *?!*  Why he felt the need to offer this advice baffled me. I know, you’re thinking it was because I was dancing poorly, but I wasn’t. Really. And besides, he was the one who was not a strong lead and kept getting off beat.  My response? It was really mature. “I’m sorry, what?!  Oh, so you who have now known me for 5 minutes are suddenly an expert on my feet?  You, who have no idea how long I’ve been dancing, or how badly my back hurt last week from high-heeled shoes, or what my delicate lovely feet even look like? You (as I judged his dated button-down shirt and too-baggy jeans) who have no clue as to the advanced thought process it takes to put together a well-coordinated-yet-practical outfit for dancing?  You, man who doesn’t know me, really have the 411 on which shoes would have been best for me tonight?”  I really laid into him.  Well, not really, not out loud at least. But all the way home in the car I had that terrific conversation with him, in my head.

It’s a trite story to illustrate a point. We don’t like to hear advice we’re not looking for.  But when it comes to our work performance, or the way we are getting along with others in the office, or our leadership style, can we remain close-minded when someone offers their two cents worth?

“But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, save me, oh save me from the candid friend!”  -- George Canning

Being able to accurately self-assess is a competency of social and emotional intelligence.  And if we’re not able to make an accurate assessment, there are times when we need others to step in and help.

Just because we think we are great at something doesn’t mean we are great. I’m always amazed at the try-outs they televise for American Idol.  You know, the ones that are really, really bad but they think they are really, really good.  Off tune is putting it nicely.  In their minds they truly think the panel of three will shout a unanimous, “You’re going to Hollywood!”, and are shocked when they instead hear Jennifer’s, “Sorry, Sweetie.”  How did this miss occur? You wonder why a good friend never pulled them aside to say, “Pal, listen, I love you, and you have so many talents, but singing just isn’t your thing."

No, it’s not easy to receive advice or correction, but candid feedback can give us the insight we need to be a better us.

It is a brave thing to be able to ask others what they think about you. And yet even braver to be OPEN to what they say. There is a proverb that says, “Faithful are the wounds from a friend…”  Wounds. Correction can feel just like that. It stings and if we’re not careful can leave a scar if we take it the wrong way. The truth is, it is much easier to stay right where we are and not grow or change. Most people hit a ceiling of emotional intelligence and are content to stay right there. If that’s where you’re at, then so be it. But if you want to develop, and thrive, and succeed – if you want to break through that ceiling and reach your fullest potential—you’re going to want to start asking for feedback, and even more importantly,  listen to it. We all have blind spots that we just can’t see clearly. By reaching out to close friends, trusted colleagues, or a coach, we can gain insights that will open us to growth and help us develop our weaker competencies into strengths.

How do you react to feedback?  Like I did with my dance shoes? I have to admit, after-the-fact, that the shoes I chose that night didn’t have the greatest traction on the dance floor, and I even developed a blister toward the end. Maybe random man was on to something there. Maybe next time, I’ll attempt to remain receptive to feedback.  Maybe.

The trouble with being too busy

I posted a picture of myself a few weeks ago relaxing at the pool on my lunch hour. I had to laugh at the comments that came in:  

“Must be nice.” 

“Work much?” 

“You must never need a vacation!”

“Some of us have the life!”

First of all, I had already worked about 55 hours that week by mid week and it was my lunch break. I don’t know about you, but though I often work right through the lunch hour, once in a great while, when possible, it is nice to take a break for a few minutes and relax. Eat lunch. Talk to a friend...and yes, even lay by the pool. Yet it’s almost as if taking a lunch break isn’t acceptable in our professional world, especially if it truly involves ‘breaking’ and not ‘still working’. Productive, results-oriented people don’t take lunch breaks, right?

Over the years I have gotten to know me and, despite its unpopularity, have learned that if I don’t spend some time outside each day relaxing or enjoying the moment, I tend to get tense, stressed, and negative. This directly affects my productivity, ability to stay positive, and how I interact with others. For me, taking a short break actually makes me more productive during the work day.

“We all have one life to live, but if we are too busy to notice the world revolving around us, then we are not living.” -- Rex Wilson

Are you really living?

Keep count one day of how many times you hear the response “Busy!” when you ask how others are doing. Our typical conversations consist of, “Hey, what’s going on? Too much, I’m crazy busy!” or “Do you want to meet this week for coffee? Would love to—but I have too much on my plate—maybe next week?!” Being overly busy has become our norm, but the downside is that it limits our ability to tune into our emotions and how we're feeling in the moment, which in turn affects our ability to respond well. Busy may be the standard – but how emotionally intelligent is it?

“It’s in the quiet that our best ideas occur to us. Don’t make the mistake of believing that by a frantic kind of dashing around you are being your most effective and efficient self.  Don’t assume that you’re wasting time when you take time out for thought.” – Napoleon Hill & Clement Stone

Music to my ears. Maybe my pool time is not wasted time after all.

Emotional self-awareness is a vital component of emotional intelligence. It's the ability to be aware of your own gut instincts and react appropriately to them. It’s being able to use your feelings as a valuable source of information to guide your decisions throughout the day. 

Why is it so vital?  

First of all, our inability (or refusal) to listen to our emotions can have many negative physical effects on our bodies. If you’re experiencing chronic headaches, lower back pain, neck or shoulder pain, and anxiety, these may be signals that your emotions are trying to tell you something.  

Secondly, if we aren’t aware of how we’re feeling, then we can’t manage our behavior, and if we don’t manage our behavior, we’re going to blow up important relationships by acting impulsively. Author and psychologist Daniel Goleman says this,

“If you are tuned out of your own emotions, you will be poor at reading them in others.” 

The social side-effects of not being emotionally-aware are irritability, treating others abrasively, and impatience. Think back on the last time you were, say, really exhausted. Did you like how you reacted to those around you that week? Most of us are too busy to even stop and reflect on how we’re feeling in the moment, which leaves many in react mode instead of act mode. It’s difficult to lead and work well with others when we can’t read how they are feeling at a given moment, let alone be aware of our own emotions.  

Finally, when we tune out our emotions, we may begin to fail to notice when our day-to-day actions are not aligned with our vision and values and find ourselves way off course.

Are you too busy?  Take this short, simple online quiz to find out:    http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=are-you-just-too-busy 

"People are clearly coming around to the idea of taking breaks and even 'doing nothing' in order to lead a healthier lifestyle," –Liz Pryor, author & speaker

In an article entitled The Importance of Emotions, the author says this:  “In order to take good care of ourselves it is important that we know what are needs are. Our emotions help us to know what are needs are through what we feel. If you feel anger you know that you have to solve a problem with a situation or a person and that you must change your behavior. When you respect your needs you feel happy.” 

Emotions help us stay aware of our needs, and the needs of others.

So how do we began to be more emotionally self-aware?

• Slow down so you can begin to listen to your inner voice.  It normally doesn’t shout loudly so if you don’t tune in you may not hear it. It will always take a back seat to a frantic lifestyle, and if you don’t stop and listen closely you will miss its song.
• Carve out some time each day for relaxation, meditation, and leisure.  I know, you’re too busy. We all are. But start with just a few minutes each day to do something that is non-work related that brings you enjoyment.
• Take notes. Get in the habit from time to time of jotting down how you are feeling – and why. You can keep a simple journal to record your range of emotions and the intensity of each emotion. If you prefer to track your emotions on your phone, there are many apps available to help:  http://appcrawlr.com/ios-apps/best-apps-mood-chart

 Because our emotions are essential in providing valuable insights and information about ourselves, others, and the situations going on around us, can we really afford to tune them out any longer?

The more adept we are at discerning what is shaping our moods and mental well-being, the more able we are to manage our behavior. The results? Greater productivity, effectiveness, confidence, and a feeling of being in control of our lives. Recognition alone can diffuse (or heighten) an emotional reaction. As you learn to know and understand your own emotions, you’ll also begin to be able to understand what drives the actions of those around you, improving relationships and connections.

Finding your decompression chamber

Each morning I  walk about a mile from the train station to get to my office. At the end of the day I make the same trek in reverse. Colleagues who hear that I ‘have’ to walk so far each day offer their condolences. My kindhearted coworkers regularly offer me a ride, especially when the wind is whipping up or the rain is pounding down. I often decline.

What they don’t realize is that the walk is one of my favorite parts of the day. I climb steep steps, cross a footbridge above the freeway, meander along neighborhood sidewalks, and take a short jaunt through my ‘woods’, a clump of mature trees that casts a shady retreat for the green grass below,  a distinct contrast to the concrete jungle that surrounds  it. This daily walk has become my decompression chamber of sorts…that place in between the stressors of life where I feel no stress. Something about moving my legs, breathing in fresh air, and being out in nature, though only for a brief 15 minutes, relieves my worries and cares that have built up either on the morning commute or during the work day.

We often think of stress as the troublesome things that happen to us and around us, the tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. But in actuality, stress is internal. It is our somatic response to external events that are perceived as taxing. From the website http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037 we learn this: “When you encounter a perceived threat — a large dog barks at you during your morning walk, for instance — your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.”  Wayne Dyer, philosopher, author and speaker, aptly states it this way:

“The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs. You can’t package stress, touch it, or see it. There are only people engaged in stressful thinking.”

That being said, how does your ‘stressful thinking’ appear in your day to day life? Maybe it shows up as moodiness or anxiety. Other signs may include dry mouth, nervous laughter, inability to think clearly, tears, impulsive behavior, headaches, fatigue, tense muscles, to name a few . We’ve all experienced one or many of these on occasion. Maybe for you it’s every day – or every hour of every day. Though normal under trying circumstances, these behaviors can be self-defeating and can lead to much more serious symptoms if left unattended. When stressors and their symptoms are ever-present, our “fight or flight’ reaction stays in “on” mode. Over a prolonged period of time, this creates an overexposure to stress hormones that can throw most all of our body's processes out of whack, and puts us at risk for health issues such as anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, depression, heart disease, weight gain, sleep problems, and concentration impairment. 

Not only can poorly managed stress contribute to health problems, it can elicit other unhealthy behaviors like excessive eating or drinking, criticism toward others, negativity, and procrastination. Think back on the last time you felt a high degree of stress. Did this affect your outlook on life in general and/or influence the way you treated others?

Situations that cause us to feel stress are a part of everyday life and they’re probably not going away any time soon.  But there are coping mechanisms we can develop to navigate them when they do occur. Those who have developed this emotional intelligence competency of stress management can sense early on when they are experiencing rising agitation, and can maintain composure to minimize hostile reactions. They have learned to not sweat the small stuff and have developed a high tolerance for frustration. It’s not that they don’t feel frustrated, or enjoy being frustrated—they just have learned to stomach it in a manner that doesn’t cause upset. Good stress managers know when to push for what they want and when to back off. They have learned to make choices that have a positive effect versus ones that drag them down.

If the way you typically respond to difficult situations is not working that well for you, it’s time to make a shift.  How? The simple answer is this:

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” –William James.

Nicely put but difficult to do.

So how do we begin to choose a different set of thoughts?

First of all, learn to recognize what you are feeling, in the moment. Take note of the symptoms that you are experiencing most often. What sort of situations trigger these emotions and reactions?  Is there a different way to deal with the stressful situations that can help you avoid some of these symptoms?

Secondly, we need a go-to toolkit of stress management techniques ready and available to pull out of our pocket when needed. Here are some ideas – which of these could work for you during your day?

• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Take a walk/exercise
• Listening to music
• Practicing thankfulness
• Making a to-do list
• Laugh and/or make others laugh
• Take a nap or go to bed earlier that night
• Prayer
• Avoidance (take a break from the people and/or situations that cause stress)
• Visualization
• Doing something fun
• Talking to a friend
• (add in your own)

I realize not everyone may get to take a 15 minute walk to and from the train station on each side of the workday, but I hope you can take a moment to discover your own decompression chamber before the effects of continued stress take their toll.

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” –Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

- See more at: http://the-iseiblog.com/finding-your-decompression-chamber/#sthash.BnkhQUv8.dpuf