I
tried to lie once.
I
had decided to take my three kids skiing, and was stressing about spending the
money. As we approached the ticket window, plodding along in our ski
boots and bundled in our ski gear, I noticed on the sign that children under
the age of 5 were free. My youngest had just turned 5 a few weeks back,
and I realized I could save $35 by pawning her off as a four-year old!
She was small for her age, I rationalized, and will hardly ski
anyway -- it will be fine. However when I got up to the ticket counter, and
told the attendant I needed two child tickets (for my older two) and “this
one’s free”, pointing at her, he assertively smiled and said, “Great, what’s
her birthdate?”
I
panicked. Should I add a year to her year of birth to take one away?
Wait--she is 5 now -- so I go down a year -- no -- up a year -- oh, why
didn’t I listen better in Math?! I blurted out a date and he replied, nodding,
with a comical look on his face, “Yeh, that would make her seven!”
He
caught me in my lie. I sheepishly paid the full price for her ticket and
walked away in shame. Worse than my flushed cheeks, my three little kids
witnessed “mommy’s temporary memory loss” which obviously wasn’t that at all.
Later they asked me why I’d lied, and I told them I wanted to save money,
and my middle child said, “But that wouldn’t be fair to others who have to pay,
would it?" She had me there. Was my attempt to twist the truth
really worth the $35? A few months later, my little one asked me
something, and when I answered, she responded, “Is that true or is that
like when you tried to tell that man I was four.” Ugh. What seemed like
such a small thing actually turned into a much bigger hurdle for me to overcome
in establishing trust with my kids again. And while living in integrity
is much more than not telling a little white lie now and then, what comes out
of our mouth is a reflection of who we are. Albert Einstein said it well,
“Whoever
is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important
matters.”
Our
integrity (or lack of) defines whether or not we are someone who can be relied
upon, trusted, and believed. Do you lie often or do you mostly tell the
truth? I say mostly because a research study was published in 2002 by
Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts, who discovered that most
people lie every day. The study showed that 60% of people aren’t able to have a
ten minute conversation without telling at least one lie, and those in the
Pinocchio category tend to tell two to three lies in the same ten minute
period! (http://mentalfloss.com/article/30609/60-people-cant-go-10-minutes-without-lying)
I
know, we’d like to think that we are the ones who fall into the 40%,
but listen to closely to yourself in your next conversation. Did you
stretch the truth -- just a little bit? Mention a few extra details that
didn’t exactly take place to get an extra laugh? Not tell the whole story
leading the listener to believe something about you that just isn’t quite
accurate?
Integrity
is defined by most as the quality of being honest and possessing strong moral
principles. And it’s our integrity -- especially when we’re in a leadership
role -- that establishes a sense of trust and reliability from those we work
with. Integrity is a key competency of emotional intelligence and truth-telling
is just one of the factors that make up one’s integrity. Barbara De
Angelis, relationship and personal growth advisor, puts it this way:
“Living
with integrity means: Not settling for less that what you know you
deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from
others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or
tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others
believe."
Take
this short quiz to see if you are living in integrity. Ask yourself and
answer with a yes or no:
- Do
I always follow through on my commitments?
- Do
I know my values and live by them at all times?
- Do
I accept accountability for my actions, even if they “get me in trouble”?
- Do
I take a stand for what I believe is right, even in the face of opposition?
- Do
I give credit to those who deserve it?
- Do
I treat all people with respect, not only to their face, but behind their
back?
- Do
I attempt to obey the ‘spirit of the law’ (the whys behind it) as opposed
to just the letter of the law?
- Do
I do the right thing when no one is looking?
If
you can answer yes to these questions, then you are well on your way to being a
person of high integrity. Now, turn to a friend or colleague and ask them
to answer the same questions about you. Are their findings the same as
yours?
If
you came up with “sometimes”, or even a few no’s, then good news!, you’re now
seeing the areas of your integrity that could use some work. The first
step in building more integrity is to truly know your own personal values.
What is really important to you? Take some time to write them down, in
any order. Then go back, and circle the ones that are most
valuable to you. Prioritize them.
Now,
take a good look at your day-to-day life. Are you living out these
values? An easy way to find this out is to look at your calendar app and notice
if the things you’re spending your time doing are matching up with the values
you circled. If you’re seeing a miss between your highest values and how
you’re spending your time, then it’s time to lay out a personal action plan to
remedy this. Note in which situations are the conflicts most often
arising (be specific -- in meetings with your boss, or when you are working
alone at home, or when you are out making new business connections, or when you
feel nervous, etc.). You may begin to see a trend as to the
specific situations that challenge your integrity. Recognizing these
moments as ‘trigger points’ can help you prepare beforehand to make a
stronger attempt to live out your values when the situation arises.
Finally,
think, "What is one action I could take, today, when in that situation, to
make a shift toward living out my values?" Then get out there and
give it a try. As with most things, practice makes perfect.
Since
that fateful day at the ski ticket window, I have been much more conscious of
speaking the truth, even if I fear the retributions...and even if it costs me a
little extra money. As a side note, I've also taken some time to brush up
on my math skills, just in case I stumble along my walk towards integrity again
in the future.
"The
supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it,
no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a
football field, in an army, or in an office." -- Dwight D.
Eisenhower
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