Why show empathy, anyway?

We hear a lot about the need for empathy. Empathy is that ability to sense others’ feelings and to take an active interest in their perspective and concerns. People who are good at this listen for the unspoken emotions in a conversation. They are attentive to a wide range of emotional signals which clue them in to being sensitive to understanding what the other person really wants and needs.

“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view — as well as your own.” — Henry Ford

Those who struggle with empathy — and this may be you — have a hard time reading people and picking up on what they are thinking and feeling. They tend to be literal in hearing only the words which someone says and don’t know how to decipher the other communication that is going on through facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. People with low empathy tend to stereotype others based upon outward appearances and show little deference to others’ opinions and ways of thinking. An unempathetic person can come across indifferent and uncaring.

Why does this matter in the workplace? A Gallup study done in 2015 reported that about 50% of the 7,200 adults surveyed left a job “to get away from their manager.” The study also found that employees whose bosses communicated with them directly and regularly (up to 3 times per week) — not just about work issues but who took an interest in their personal lives — felt more enthusiastic and dedicated to their work. But a lack of empathy — a boss that doesn’t show that he/she cares — can result in company money down the drain. In an article by Suzanne Lucas in CBS News’ Moneywatch (November 21, 2012), she wrote, “For all jobs earning less than $50,000 per year, or more than 40 percent of U.S. jobs, the average cost of replacing an employee amounts to fully 20 percent of the person’s annual salary.” She also shared that in lower-paying jobs (under $30k), the cost to lose an employee is only 16% of their salary — but still. Those dollars add up.

And what about outside of the workplace? “Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.” In his book Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman writes: “Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else’s perspective and strengths the more we see things from their point of view. The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance.” (Social Intelligence, Goleman, p. 110)

“Relationships often suffer because people get so caught up in their own experience that they simply can’t relate to what someone else is going through. They assert their opinions and hand out advice – all the while not truly appreciating the other person’s struggles.” – Leslie Becker -Phelps, Ph.D.

People with empathy are able to show a sensitivity to what the other person is going through and take action to help make the situation more tolerable for that person. Empathy truly is one of the ways we can begin to connect deeply with others.

I know it all sounds good. We should be more empathetic. But showing empathy is easier for some than others. If you come up on the short stick of empathy, do you just shrug and say, “Oh well. I’m no good at that.”? Empathy is a competency of emotional intelligence, specifically, social intelligence, the ability to discern others’ emotions in the moment and respond accordingly. Empathy is a behavior, and the good news for those of us who struggle with it, behavior can be changed. If you are self-aware enough to realize you may not be the most empathetic person, here are some developmental tips you can try to begin to make a shift in a new direction:

• Listen. Becoming a good listener is the foundation. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really tune in to what the other person is saying — and not saying.
• Ask questions to clarify meaning. Sure, you heard what you think you heard, but asking a few questions not only shows the other person you are interested in learning more but provides clarity to truly understanding what they are trying to express.
• Put down that phone. When someone’s talking, it’s easy to be distracted by other things going on around you. Let’s be honest, people don’t always pick the most opportune times to walk into your office to talk. Show them respect by putting away distractions while they’re speaking — put down your cell phone (and turn it over so you’re not tempted by the screen or even better, turn it off), close your laptop, and make eye contact as they speak.
• Tune into the emotions behind the words. Sometimes what the person across from you is really looking for in a conversation is masked behind their words. Listen deeply to find the real meaning behind what is coming out of their mouths.
• Suspend judgement. You may possess the gift of keen discernment and have that ability to pick up on the subtle nuances of what someone is trying to communicate, but with that can come the ability to pass judgement too quickly. Catch yourself if you are quick to criticize or dismiss the opinions of others. Often the other perspective can offer you fresh insights which you may not have been able to come up with yourself.

Though growing in empathy can take some work, your efforts can lead you down the path of healthier, happier relationships, both at home and at the office. If you feel you need some help, consider employing a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you on the journey.

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” — John MacNaughton

When you fall flat on your face

Whether or not you are a fan of college track, it’s hard not to be inspired by Heather Dorniden’s unbelievable 600 meter run at the 2008 Big 10 Indoor Track & Field Finals. The celebrated runner for the University of Minnesota had completed two laps of the three-lap race and was leading the pack, as was expected due to her stellar earlier performances. But we all know how quickly adversity can hit. With only 200 meters to go, she tripped and fell hard, face-down on the track, quickly finding herself in last place and a good 25 meters behind the others. But here’s where the miracle happened. Instead of calling it quits, she sprang to her feet in a full-out sprint, and in a most-amazing finish, passed each of her competitors, one by one, and crossed the finish line in first place!  I get chills every time I watch it. To be honest, it makes me cry. If you haven’t seen it, watch (and cry with me) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjejTQdK5OI

Wow, right? It’s rare to find someone with such a dedication to a single-minded purpose combined with the tenacity and grit to make it happen.

When you fall flat on your face, what do you do?

Lou Holtz, an American college and professional football coach, says this: “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”

Grit, or resiliency, is the ability to show perseverance and diligence in the face of setbacks.

People who are resilient are able to cope with disappointments and can overcome obstacles that slow others down. But not only can they cope — they are able to bounce back from adversity and often come out ahead of where they started.  Exhibiting grit is not about surviving but thriving.

If you’re human, you’re going to experience disappointments and setbacks. But do you notice how some people seem to jump over the hurdles set before them, while others allow the hurdles to stop them short? Those who struggle with grit tend to see failures as permanent, usually due to inflexible thinking. They tend to dwell in the past, ruminating about previous mistakes and difficult times to the point of getting ‘stuck’. It’s like when you meet someone who’s telling you about their ex-husband, not excluding a detail of all the bad things he did, and how he hurt her, and the marriage — then you come to discover the divorce happened 20 years ago. From the conversation you’d think it happened yesterday. People who lack grit also experience a great deal of negative self-talk. They think and say things like, “How could I be so stupid?“, or “You’ll never fix this one!“.

Setbacks are difficult. Having grit isn’t about being Pollyannaish and pretending the pain of the failure isn’t real, because it is. Experiencing any type of loss hurts.  And we need to take time to grieve. But at some point, we get to determine if we want to bounce back or let this setback be the end of us. Even if you’ve caved in the past, developing resilience is possible for anyone willing to make some small steps in that direction.

“Your choice:  victim or victor.” — Unknown

One step at a time

Many factors can contribute to developing grit, but all it takes is one step at a time to start moving in a positive direction. Which of these will you start with?

• Adopt a healthy lifestyle.  It is very difficult to have grit when you lack sleep, are exhausted, or overly-stressed. Building in periods of rest and renewal (and fun!) into your life can help develop a resilient outlook when tough times hit.
• Seek support and surround yourself with friends and family who encourage you.
• Read stories/watch videos of others who have overcome failures and turned their mess into a mission.
• Tell yourself, “This too shall pass“. Though the effects of setbacks can feel devastating, the event itself actually is temporary.
• Challenge your negative self-talk. Using a tool such as a “Thought Log” can be a helpful way to sort out negative thoughts from reality.
• Ask yourself if you’re trying to control something you cannot. Often the circumstances can’t be changed, but your outlook can.
• Focus on your strengths. Not sure what they are? Try an emotional intelligence assessment to help you determine the areas of life you excel in.
• Drop the expectation of perfection.  We all mess up. Accept that you may have missed, forgive yourself, and move on.
• Work with a  social + emotional intelligence coach to become more flexible and adaptable. Often a rigid mindset can prevent us from seeing setbacks as opportunities for growth and change.

When it comes to resiliency, perspective is everything.

If you’re struggling with seeing setbacks as anything else but absolute and complete failure with no hope for the future, stop and ask yourself these questions:

1. What is the worst thing that can happen?
2. How likely is it that this worst thing will happen?
3. What is one thing I can do to stop it from happening?
4. What is the best thing that can happen?
5. What is one thing I can do to make that happen?
6. What is the most likely thing that will happen?
7. What can I do to handle the most likely thing that will happen?

It hurts to fall flat on our face. And the easiest thing when we do is to lie there and refuse to get up. But we humans are wired to be resilient. We have the choice to rise, sprint forward, and finish the race. What will you do?

“True grit is making a decision and standing by it, doing what must be done.” –John Wayne

Are you a servant leader?

Baseball great Jackie Robinson once said, “A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” From the site baseballhall.org, we read this about the famed second baseman: "The impact Robinson made on Major League Baseball is one that will be forever remembered. On April 15 each season, every team in the majors celebrates Jackie Robinson Day in honor of when he truly broke the color barrier in baseball, becoming the first African-American player in the 20th century to take the field in the big leagues. He opened the door for many others and will forever be appreciated for his contribution to the game."

How often do we stop to ponder how our life is impacting others (because it is) and more importantly, what kind of impact is it having?

Traditional leadership often refers to the accumulation and use of power to accomplish one’s goals. In contrast, a servant leader shares power and focuses on helping others achieve their goals.

Reflect for a moment on the person in your life who has been the most influential in shaping you to be who you are--someone who has possibly inspired you, empowered you, and/or led you well? Do you have that person's face fixed in your mind? Now, what quality (qualities) do you most appreciate about him or her? I’m guessing it isn’t their amazing stash of wealth, their ability to dominate a meeting, or their knack for commanding everyone’s attention at any given moment.

I consulted Webster to see how he defines the word ‘servant’. Take a look at some of the specific words used in the definition (emphasis mine): servant | n. | One who serves, does services, voluntarily or on compulsion; a person employed by another for menial offices, or for labor, and is subject to his command; a person who labors or exerts himself for the benefit of another, his master or employer; a subordinate helper. 

Serves...compulsion…menial…subject to command…labors for others’ benefit…subordinate helper….when I think of leading, I have to admit these are not the words that quickly come to mind, and they honestly are not that appealing. Yet a valuable competency of social and emotional intelligence is our ability to have a service orientation. John C. Maxwell, author, speaker, and founder of an international leadership development organization designed to help leaders, says it very poignantly:  

 “True leadership must be for the benefit of the followers, not to enrich the leader.”

If that’s accurate, which I believe it is, then we need to figure out what this servant leadership thing really is.

What does it look like to be a servant leader? Leadership can take many shapes and forms, but those who naturally possess this ability to pilot others with a servant's heart tend to be:

• Good listeners. They tune into what their followers are saying (and not saying) and take action in response to what they hear.
• Available. Servant leaders carve out time in their busy schedules to spend with their team members and readily offer their time and expertise.
• Motivators. They are driven to help others succeed and know how to spur others to do so.
• Encouragers. Those with a servant heart love to speak highly of others and build them up, both one-on-one and in public.
• Satisfaction Seekers (for others). These leaders actively search for ways to increase their teams’ satisfaction and engagement levels.
• Helpers. Servant leaders actually like helping others reach their goals more than they enjoy achieving their own.
• Blame Holders. They refuse to ‘pass-the-buck’, and will take a hit for their teams if needed. 
• Overachievers. Servant leaders are willing to go above and beyond what is expected for the benefit of others.
• Forgetful. These leaders make a point to move past "wrongs" once the issue has been dealt with appropriately. They forgive quickly, and help leverage team members’ strengths instead of focus on past weaknesses.
• Anticipators. Servant leaders think ahead to foresee the needs and desires of those they lead…and act accordingly.

Servant leadership may not be your current style, but if you want to begin to develop it, be encouraged that no matter how deeply ingrained your present behaviors may be, they can be remodeled. Becoming self-aware that there is room to grow is a terrific first step. But moving from a traditional leadership style to servant leadership is easier said than done. Break this valiant mission into small steps with simple, attainable goals. For example, try focusing on just one of the above qualities for the next few weeks. Brainstorm ways you can serve your teams in that way. Write them down. Post them in a place you can see them or put them on a to-do list. Set reminders on your smart phone. Grab an accountability partner to walk alongside you. Each and every day, make an attempt to do just one kind deed for a team member. Maybe it's just looking up from your computer or phone when someone comes in to talk. Or spending an extra five minutes really listening to someone. Or taking them out to lunch. Or offering your talents to help on a project. Or making them a cup of coffee this morning.  If you’re struggling with ideas or follow through, team up with a coach to help you make the shift. 

It may feel very unnatural at first, but like with anything, the more you practice it the more serving others will come natural. And the effort will be worth it. Robert Ingersoll says it best:  “We rise by lifting others.” Transitioning to a servant leader style can and will elevate your impact as a leader. And maybe, just maybe, those you affect will someday say this about you,  "He opened the door for many others and will forever be appreciated for his contribution to the game."

“Your gifts are not about you.  Leadership is not about you. Your purpose is not about you.  A life of significance is about serving those who need your gifts, your leadership, and your purpose.” – Kevin Hall, author