This afternoon, at the garden, I kind of on purpose got caught in the rain, which turned into an all out downpour. I knew it was coming–I could hear its distant rumblings and smell its warning in the stirring breezes, but I kept on digging…until it hit. And it hit hard and fast. By the time I took refuge in the nearby gardening shed, with the shovels and rakes and wheelbarrows, swathed in the scent of freshly cut grass and newly-turned soil, I was drenched to the bone, hair dripping and clothes stuck to my wet body. I happily sat on an upturned bucket in the makeshift shelter and watched the torrent of rain soak our garden plots, splashing upwards in the newly formed puddles, transforming the dry, dusty soil into a wet, moisture-rich haven, mother’s milk for the tender, newborn plants struggling to survive their first weeks of life. Everything turned a brilliant green.
The lightning flashed, the thunder rolled, and I couldn’t help but wonder: if plants need a good drenching from time to time, wouldn’t it do us good, too? Maybe it’s my frame of thought after witnessing baptisms at church the other day, or maybe it was from watching all the people out near the street hurrying, shoulders hunched, hands over their heads, attempting but failing to flee from the rain. It’s our first instinct — Run! Cover up! Hide! It makes sense: rain ruins our clothes, smears our makeup, flattens our hair, and washes away all the outward appearance we work so hard to put on and wear all day.
When the lightning lessened, though it was still raining, I went back to my gardening, mud sticking to my Crocs and working its way in between my toes, dirt speckled the back of my legs, my hair a damp mop, until I got chilled and sought the comfort of my warm car. I glanced in the mirror and saw a bedraggled plain girl looking back at me, makeup long gone and hair in tangles, dirt smeared on her face… but eyes wild with wonder. I felt alive, giddy from the craziness of being out in the elements.
I think staying out in a rainstorm is like life itself — we can run and hide when the storm hits or stay out there and learn how to weather it, soak it in, and though we may get a little beat up in the process, come out on the other side more alive and resilient. It’s easier to cower, keeping our lives all neat and tidy and dry and safe, but then I think we miss out on the adventure riding on the edge of the wind and the rain, beckoning us to try something new, step out in faith, bear through tough times…and grow.
Whether or not you are a fan of college track, it’s hard not to be inspired by Heather Dorniden’s unbelievable 600 meter run at the 2008 Big 10 Indoor Track & Field Finals. The celebrated runner for the University of Minnesota had completed two laps of the three-lap race and was leading the pack, as was expected due to her stellar earlier performances. But we all know how quickly adversity can hit. With only 200 meters to go, she tripped and fell hard, face-down on the track, quickly finding herself in last place and a good 25 meters behind the others. But here’s where the miracle happened. Instead of calling it quits, she sprang to her feet in a full-out sprint, and in a most-amazing finish, passed each of her competitors, one by one, and crossed the finish line in first place! I get chills every time I watch it. To be honest, it makes me cry. If you haven’t seen it, watch (and cry with me) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjejTQdK5OI
Wow, right? It’s rare to find someone with such a dedication to a single-minded purpose combined with the tenacity and grit to make it happen.
When you fall flat on your face, what do you do?
Lou Holtz, an American college and professional football coach, says this: “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”
Grit, or resiliency, is the ability to show perseverance and diligence in the face of setbacks.
People who are resilient are able to cope with disappointments and can overcome obstacles that slow others down. But not only can they cope — they are able to bounce back from adversity and often come out ahead of where they started. Exhibiting grit is not about surviving but thriving.
If you’re human, you’re going to experience disappointments and setbacks. But do you notice how some people seem to jump over the hurdles set before them, while others allow the hurdles to stop them short? Those who struggle with grit tend to see failures as permanent, usually due to inflexible thinking. They tend to dwell in the past, ruminating about previous mistakes and difficult times to the point of getting ‘stuck’. It’s like when you meet someone who’s telling you about their ex-husband, not excluding a detail of all the bad things he did, and how he hurt her, and the marriage — then you come to discover the divorce happened 20 years ago. From the conversation you’d think it happened yesterday. People who lack grit also experience a great deal of negative self-talk. They think and say things like, “How could I be so stupid?“, or “You’ll never fix this one!“.
Setbacks are difficult. Having grit isn’t about being Pollyannaish and pretending the pain of the failure isn’t real, because it is. Experiencing any type of loss hurts. And we need to take time to grieve. But at some point, we get to determine if we want to bounce back or let this setback be the end of us. Even if you’ve caved in the past, developing resilience is possible for anyone willing to make some small steps in that direction.
“Your choice: victim or victor.” — Unknown
One step at a time
Many factors can contribute to developing grit, but all it takes is one step at a time to start moving in a positive direction. Which of these will you start with?
Adopt a healthy lifestyle. It is very difficult to have grit when you lack sleep, are exhausted, or overly-stressed. Building in periods of rest and renewal (and fun!) into your life can help develop a resilient outlook when tough times hit.
Seek support and surround yourself with friends and family who encourage you.
Read stories/watch videos of others who have overcome failures and turned their mess into a mission.
Tell yourself, “This too shall pass“. Though the effects of setbacks can feel devastating, the event itself actually is temporary.
Challenge your negative self-talk. Using a tool such as a “Thought Log” can be a helpful way to sort out negative thoughts from reality.
Ask yourself if you’re trying to control something you cannot. Often the circumstances can’t be changed, but your outlook can.
Focus on your strengths. Not sure what they are? Try an emotional intelligence assessment to help you determine the areas of life you excel in.
Drop the expectation of perfection. We all mess up. Accept that you may have missed, forgive yourself, and move on.
Work with a social + emotional intelligence coachto become more flexible and adaptable. Often a rigid mindset can prevent us from seeing setbacks as opportunities for growth and change.
When it comes to resiliency, perspective is everything.
If you’re struggling with seeing setbacks as anything else but absolute and complete failure with no hope for the future, stop and ask yourself these questions:
What is the worst thing that can happen?
How likely is it that this worst thing will happen?
What is one thing I can do to stop it from happening?
What is the best thing that can happen?
What is one thing I can do to make that happen?
What is the most likely thing that will happen?
What can I do to handle the most likely thing that will happen?
It hurts to fall flat on our face. And the easiest thing when we do is to lie there and refuse to get up. But we humans are wired to be resilient. We have the choice to rise, sprint forward, and finish the race. What will you do?
“True grit is making a decision and standing by it, doing what must be done.” –John Wayne
The more we feel the pain and loss of loved ones --seems like we from college days are losing a lot of friends lately-- the more I want to live this life I have, while I have it, fully and bravely and passionately, doing the things I love, with the people I love, for the God I love. I don't know how else to deal with the pain that comes with losing loved ones. We have to be resilient and can't let loss bury us alive.
As we mourn together the loss and emptiness that comes with losing loved ones, let's also commit to living even more fully today than we did yesterday and each day after in honor of those who no longer can. Laugh-sing-jump-run-dance-love -- breathe deeply, smell flowers, sing loudly, climb mountains, encourage others -- whatever it is that you are specifically hand-crafted and designed to do best -- with all your heart, for yourselves, for your loved ones, for God, and for those no longer with us.
What a better way to honor them than to celebrate life? More and more we are reminded that our time here is short and darkness comes to all...so let's live while it is still light.
If you grew up in the 1970’s you may remember watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports on Sunday afternoons. I can still hear the inspiring intro music and ‘see’ the image of the guy wiping out on the ski jump. (If you’re a Millennial or if you forget, have a watch on you-tube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Asxr5v9arH4). Being from the Midwest where the sports of choice were basketball, and um, basketball (with an occasional football game thrown in), I always hoped the athletic endeavor featured on the program would be something unique and adventurous, far from squeaky gym floors, like surfing competitions in Hawaii or downhill ski racing in Colorado. And ingrained in my memory from each show are the announcer’s famous words:
“The thrill of victory—and the agony of defeat.”
Isn’t that the truth? When we achieve something we have been striving for, oh, the thrill! And when we miss – it truly can be agonizing. When I was learning to water ski as a teenager at summer camp, I had weakling arms and hard a hard time holding onto the rope as the boat took off. I’d never been behind a ski boat before (remember I grew up in a gymnasium). I went down, time, and time again. It was discouraging, especially when other kids around me were able to get up and stay up…not to mention the boat was being driven by the ‘cool’ kids from southern California with their bleach-blonde hair and strong, tan physiques. Once the ski rope handle sprang back and smashed my fingernail, which later turned a lovely dark purple. I fell forward, I fell backwards, I caught an edge and flipped over completely, water up my nose and feeling like a drowned rat. Needless to say things weren’t going well. But I was determined to figure this out! After four classes chock-full of failed attempts, my feeble arms were finally able to hang on and found myself up on top of the water, gliding along, water spraying off the sides of my skis. The cool instructors in the boat cheered and I was grinning ear to ear. Oh, the thrill of victory!
Now transition from sports to the corporate world. Think back on the projects that you have successfully completed – what a thrill it is to accomplish something you’ve worked so hard on for weeks! But along with victories come discouraging moments when our efforts do not pan out--and the frustration that accompanies our defeats can be agonizing.
Possessing a strong achievement drive is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a quality that is well worth developing. People with the competency tend to have a strong set of personal and professional standards and are always striving to improve. They seem to have an expectation of excellence in everything they do and are committed to continual learning. They are not quick to quit. They are able to try, try, and try again until they reach their objectives. Do you know anyone like this?
Not all of us can boast on this as a strong point. I may have been determined to water ski that summer, but there have been many projects I have started and haven’t finished, like writing that book, or learning that new skill, or continuing to move toward a goal at work when I received a lot of push back. Achievement drive is a quality I without doubt need (and want) to cultivate and grow.
The good thing about emotional intelligence is that it can be learned and developed, with the help of good self-assessment and solid coaching, and there are some developmental tips we can begin working on to start the growth process. Obviously we need to start by setting a goal. Use the “SMART” acronym can help you clearly define your goal and make it attainable. Ask yourself, is my goal, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timed? (Learn more about SMART goals here: http://topachievement.com/smart.html)
But establishing a goal is often not the hard part – it’s the getting there that presents the challenge. Here are some steps to take to move toward accomplishment:
Determine the whys behind your desire to achieve the goal. What emotional pulls are driving your desire for success? Write these down. Knowing what these are can be a huge motivator to spur you forward.
Jot down the risks you face in working toward the goal and compare those with the joys of achieving the goal. Which carry more weight for you, and why?
Each day, attempt to do at least one thing that moves you toward your goal, even if it is a very small step. It may be as simple as researching a website, or picking up your phone to make a call to get information. Every move toward that goal is a piece of the success.
Track your accomplishments. Keep a daily log or journal to mark achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
I love what Harvey Mackay, columnist and author, says about goals:
“A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline.”
As a side note -- sometimes, the journey toward achievement can take you down a few paths that may seem like rabbit trails. And they well may be. Think of how often you get online to ‘check’ something and end up watching you tube videos (of the Wide World of Sports from 1978!) While you do not want to be deterred from your goal, don’t be afraid to explore these trails, always keeping the endgame in mind. Sometimes the discoveries along the way will open new doors and give you fresh ideas as to how to enhance the excellence of your goal. The important thing to do is to keep moving. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said in his "I Have a Dream" speech, “And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back.”
We’ve all heard how many times Edison failed before he got the light bulb to work. But I like how he framed the process: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Don’t get discouraged when you hit roadblocks. You will hit them and they will slow you down. But there are always ways to get around them and if you stick with it, you will find them, so you may keep heading down the road to the thrill of victory.
Happy Mother's Day to all, and a special shout-out to single parents, both moms and dads, whom I have a special heart for. I know today for you may not be ripe with the traditional Mother's Day rituals you are seeing on social media. I doubt that you got to sleep in or that anyone made you breakfast in bed (or if you did, you had to help them make it!). You probably didn't receive a bouquet of flowers, get a massage certificate or get treated to a day alone at your favorite spa. Most likely you don't have enough money to eat out for dinner, or if you did splurge you feel guilty because you have bills to pay. No one wrote a paragraph about you on Facebook shouting your praises on what an amazing wife or husband you are. You may even have to share the children you gave birth to with a step dad or step mom today and are sitting alone right now.
I know at times the road has been rocky. There have been days when your kids didn't understand why you did what you did, gave you the silent treatment, or threw a temper tantrum, and you didn't have any emotional support to lean into during those times. I know you have worked extra jobs, worried about making ends meet, and have layed in bed alone at night wondering if you will be on your own the rest of your life? I know at times it has been excruciatingly lonely.
But I hope you can still celebrate today, no matter your circumstances, because single-handedly you have most likely raised children who are appreciative of littlest of things, who have learned to live without, and been taught to give thanks for what they do have. They are resourceful, and not spoiled, and don't expect things to just come their way. They are resilient and well-equipped to handle the challenges of real life.
Maybe today you can sit down and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. Or take a little nap. Or buy yourself a flower, find a Groupon for a dinner out, or start saving for that massage. Though you may not feel appreciated at times, and are weary, and lonely, please know you are loved and respected and valued! Take delight that you have successfully navigated yet another year of single parenting, and that you are blessed beyond measure just getting to raise children who are good human beings--a gift to this world. I don't think there is any greater joy.
Have you ever had a friend tell you they can't be your friend anymore?
Business partnerships, romantic relationships, and casual acquaintances come and go, and cause upset when they end, but we seem to attach a little more expectations of longevity to the relationships we call friendship. A friend is a person we know in depth, with whom we hold a special bond of mutual affection, (usually exclusive of sexual or family relations). They're our companion. Our confidant. One we can trust, rely upon, who will stand by us no matter what. But there are times when a friendship, for various reasons, can't withstand the sands of time. And it hurts.
When friendships come to a close, whether temporarily due to extenuating circumstances or permanently because of unhealthy habits, the pain you feel can trigger a number of reactions:
Sadness. You've suddenly lost someone dear to you. This can cause intense sorrowful feelings of emptiness.
Revenge. I know, it's immature, and equally hurtful, but we've all been there. She has the gall to hurt me? I'll just send a snippy little text back...
Anger. You invested a lot of your time, energy and heart into this friend. And they think they can just walk away? Now I'm mad...
Global negativity. It's that feeling that this one event is indicative of your overall well-being and breeds thoughts of "here we go again" and "see, nothing ever works out for me".
Knee-jerk desperation. You're immediately hit with a vast, empty hole that the friend once filled, and it does not feel good. Fine, I'll just replace them with someone new..."Next?!"
Which do you tend to choose?
While each of these emotions are valid, wallowing in any one too long will only retard your healing. And a word of warning: take care to be mindful of your actions while feeling these powerful emotions. Before you act -- stop and ask, "Will this help or hurt the situation in the long run?" While full of passion, actions based on emotion alone, without the wisdom of reason, can cause even more damage to both parties.
Resiliency, or grit, is that ability to bounce back after setbacks. Some of us have it, and some of us don't, especially when we're faced with something tough, like the loss of a friend, or other setbacks and failures. But it is a competency of emotional intelligence that can be learned and developed. Here are some quick tips that may be of help when faced with a painful loss:
Take care of yourself. We can't be resilient when we're lacking sleep, are malnourished, not exercising, or overly-stressed.
Challenge negative 'self-talk'. Ask yourself, "Is there any evidence to back up this self-doubt I'm feeling?" Probably not.
See disappointments as temporary, short-term and isolated. What just happened is specific to this particular circumstance, and most likely not applicable to your life as a whole.
Seek support from those in your life who care about you. Lean into your other friends and family and don't try to go it alone.
Do something that brings you rest and renewal. Can you get away for a few days to your favorite place? Go dancing? Take a long nap? Think about what brings you joy, and treat yourself to that luxury if possible.
Learn from others. It always helps to see what others are going through, and discover how they worked through their own disappointments. Outward thinking puts the situation into perspective and gets our mind off ourselves.
"Your choice: victim or victor." -- Author unknown
Loss of a friendship, or anything we hold near and dear, is tough. At times, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. But we humans are created to be resilient. We can do tough things. We can bounce back and persevere in the face of setbacks, and with some hard work, grit, and persistence...we will.
The thing that you are struggling with today, that seems so overwhelming, will soon be the thing that you struggled with once, and overcame. You got this. You are strong, you are resilient, you are resourceful, and you can figure this out. Pretty soon this will be a story that you can share with others who are going thru a similar pain. And you will look back and think wow, I'm not in that place anymore.
This is the human struggle that we all share, the one thing we all have in common, that makes us not so different from each other as we may think. Sure our circumstances are different but we all know what it feels like to hurt, and at times not see a way out.
If you have made it through something, and are at that happy place, turn around and reach your hand out to someone who is still in the struggle. And if you're currently in the struggle, look up for the hand that is reaching out to you. Grab it. Grasp it. Get up and go forward.
Yes, this is hard. But we, together, can do hard things.
Stretch Armstrong was my favorite childhood toy. Swayed by the commercials that came on between Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island that touted his amazing agility to be extended to unfathomable lengths, I hoarded my allowance money for weeks until I had enough to deposit on the check-out counter at K-Mart and walk out with my arms happily wrapped around my coveted prize.
Kenner Toys couldn't have come up with a better name for him. Stretch could really stretch. And because of this unique ability that set him apart from Barbie, Ken. and GI Joe -- the likes of who could only bend to a certain point before breaking -- his value and worth soared and kept him from being "shelfed" for that season of my life, unlike his peers with limited agility.
Personal agility, the ability to anticipate the need for change before it is imposed, and to be able to react appropriately to it, often stretching beyond our comfort zone, is also a valuable skill in the workplace. In an ever-advancing corporate world, those of us who can't exercise plasticity -- the Barbies and Kens and GI Joes of the team -- may discover that we quickly lose our ability to lead and contribute effectively. Change is inevitable. Remaining inflexible, denying the need for change and being unwilling to explore the new opportunities that newness may bring can render us ineffective as a leader or team member.
It's normal to experience denial and resistance when there's movement down a new path, especially when you haven't been a part of the decision-making process initiating the transition. If you're not one who likes to be stretched -- but realize you may need to learn how -- maybe it's time to make some shifts in that direction. It won't be easy -- growth in emotional intelligence rarely is -- but the good news is at least you don't have to don a blue Speedo like Stretch to make it happen. Here are some small steps you can begin to take:
Acknowledge that denial and resistance are normal, but commit to being open-minded toward the possibilities of new beginnings.
Listen to the story you are telling yourself about the change. Is it fact or fiction? Be willing to separate out the two and replace the fictitious narratives with reality. Remember that often our perspective is a perspective, not the perspective.
Be willing to let go of long-held assumptions ("Well, I like the way we've always done it", she says, with arms crossed and feet firmly planted).
List out which aspects of the change are in your control -- and which are not. Focus on the things you can contribute to and let go of the things that are not in your sphere of influence.
Resist the temptation to blame any one person or persons for the impending change -- it may seem satisfying in the moment but will only contribute to your inflexible attitude.
Seek out a coach or mentor during the transition who can help you make the adjustments and learn to stretch.
"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin
