Loss & Resiliency

The more we feel the pain and loss of loved ones --seems like we from college days are losing a lot of friends lately-- the more I want to live this life I have, while I have it, fully and bravely and passionately, doing the things I love, with the people I love, for the God I love. I don't know how else to deal with the pain that comes with losing loved ones.  We have to be resilient and can't let loss bury us alive.

As we mourn together the loss and emptiness that comes with losing loved ones, let's also commit to living even more fully today than we did yesterday and each day after in honor of those who no longer can. Laugh-sing-jump-run-dance-love -- breathe deeply, smell flowers, sing loudly, climb mountains, encourage others -- whatever it is that you are specifically hand-crafted and designed to do best -- with all your heart, for yourselves, for your loved ones, for God, and for those no longer with us.

What a better way to honor them than to celebrate life? More and more we are reminded that our time here is short and darkness comes to all...so let's live while it is still light.

When A Friendship Ends

Have you ever had a friend tell you they can't be your friend anymore?

Business partnerships, romantic relationships, and casual acquaintances come and go, and cause upset when they end, but we seem to attach a little more expectations of longevity to the relationships we call friendship. A friend is a person we know in depth, with whom we hold a special bond of mutual affection, (usually exclusive of sexual or family relations). They're our companion. Our confidant. One we can trust, rely upon, who will stand by us no matter what. But there are times when a friendship, for various reasons, can't withstand the sands of time. And it hurts.

When friendships come to a close, whether temporarily due to extenuating circumstances or permanently because of unhealthy habits, the pain you feel can trigger a number of reactions:

• Sadness.   You've suddenly lost someone dear to you. This can cause intense sorrowful feelings of emptiness.
• Revenge.  I know, it's immature, and equally hurtful, but we've all been there.  She has the gall to hurt me?  I'll just send a snippy little text back...
• Anger.  You invested a lot of your time, energy and heart into this friend.  And they think they can just walk away?  Now I'm mad...
• Global negativity. It's that feeling that this one event is indicative of your overall well-being and breeds thoughts of "here we go again" and  "see, nothing ever works out for me".
• Knee-jerk desperation. You're immediately hit with a vast, empty hole that the friend once filled, and it does not feel good.  Fine, I'll just replace them with someone new..."Next?!"

Which do you tend to choose?

While each of these emotions are valid, wallowing in any one too long will only retard your healing. And a word of warning: take care to be mindful of your actions while feeling these powerful emotions. Before you act -- stop and ask, "Will this help or hurt the situation in the long run?" While full of passion, actions based on emotion alone, without the wisdom of reason, can cause even more damage to both parties.

Resiliency, or grit, is that ability to bounce back after setbacks. Some of us have it, and some of us don't, especially when we're faced with something tough, like the loss of a friend, or other setbacks and failures. But it is a competency of emotional intelligence that can be learned and developed. Here are some quick tips that may be of help when faced with a painful loss:

1. Take care of yourself. We can't be resilient when we're lacking sleep, are malnourished, not exercising, or overly-stressed.
2. Challenge negative 'self-talk'. Ask yourself, "Is there any evidence to back up this self-doubt I'm feeling?" Probably not.
3. See disappointments as temporary, short-term and isolated. What just happened is specific to this particular circumstance, and most likely not applicable to your life as a whole.
4. Seek support from those in your life who care about you. Lean into your other friends and family and don't try to go it alone.
5. Do something that brings you rest and renewal. Can you get away for a few days to your favorite place? Go dancing? Take a long nap? Think about what brings you joy, and treat yourself to that luxury if possible.
6. Learn from others. It always helps to see what others are going through, and discover how they worked through their own disappointments. Outward thinking puts the situation into perspective and gets our mind off ourselves.

"Your choice:  victim or victor."  -- Author unknown

Loss of a friendship, or anything we hold near and dear, is tough. At times, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. But we humans are created to be resilient. We can do tough things. We can bounce back and persevere in the face of setbacks, and with some hard work, grit, and persistence...we will.

How Well Do You Stretch?

Stretch Armstrong was my favorite childhood toy. Swayed by the commercials that came on between Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island that touted his amazing agility to be extended to unfathomable lengths, I hoarded my allowance money for weeks until I had enough to deposit on the check-out counter at K-Mart and walk out with my arms happily wrapped around my coveted prize. 

Kenner Toys couldn't have come up with a better name for him. Stretch could really stretch. And because of this unique ability that set him apart from Barbie, Ken. and GI Joe -- the likes of who could only bend to a certain point before breaking -- his value and worth soared and kept him from being "shelfed" for that season of my life, unlike his peers with limited agility.

Personal agility, the ability to anticipate the need for change before it is imposed, and to be able to react appropriately to it, often stretching beyond our comfort zone, is also a valuable skill in the workplace. In an ever-advancing corporate world, those of us who can't exercise plasticity -- the Barbies and Kens and GI Joes of the team -- may discover that we quickly lose our ability to lead and contribute effectively. Change is inevitable. Remaining inflexible, denying the need for change and being unwilling to explore the new opportunities that newness may bring can render us ineffective as a leader or team member.

It's normal to experience denial and resistance when there's movement down a new path, especially when you haven't been a part of the decision-making process initiating the transition. If you're not one who likes to be stretched -- but realize you may need to learn how -- maybe it's time to make some shifts in that direction. It won't be easy -- growth in emotional intelligence rarely is -- but the good news is at least you don't have to don a blue Speedo like Stretch to make it happen. Here are some small steps you can begin to take:

• Acknowledge that denial and resistance are normal, but commit to being open-minded toward the possibilities of new beginnings.
• Listen to the story you are telling yourself about the change. Is it fact or fiction? Be willing to separate out the two and replace the fictitious narratives with reality. Remember that often our perspective is a perspective, not the perspective.
• Be willing to let go of long-held assumptions ("Well, I like the way we've always done it", she says, with arms crossed and feet firmly planted).
• List out which aspects of the change are in your control -- and which are not. Focus on the things you can contribute to and let go of the things that are not in your sphere of influence.
• Resist the temptation to blame any one person or persons for the impending change -- it may seem satisfying in the moment but will only contribute to your inflexible attitude.
• Seek out a coach or mentor during the transition who can help you make the adjustments and learn to stretch.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change."                                                                   -- Charles Darwin