Pass the honey, honey

I've been thinking a lot on perspective, maintaining a positive mindset, and being thankful lately-- and thanks to a friend's thought-provoking blog this morning on the art of remembering--realize that a key to staying positive is reminding ourselves of the good in our lives, in the midst of rough times. It's not easy to do. We all have our stressors that cause us to lose perspective. What are yours? Mine are finances -- when those are on shaky ground, I quickly and easily forget all the good things going on in my world. For some of us it is health, or parenting struggles, or being single, or ____ (fill in the blank). It's not that these issues aren't real, tough, and painful, because they are, but should they trump all other good things in our life?

And our addiction to social media doesn't help.  It's easy if we're not careful to come down with the Grass Is Greener Syndrome, a life-sucking disease that causes anger, victimization, jealousy, and depression.

 Sometimes we need a little help with our realistic optimism, a competency of emotional intelligence. I know I forget far too easily and quickly all the good things going on in my life when a crisis arises, and the encouraging words of a friend (or stranger even) are all it takes to help me find perspective again. When we get blinded by stress and struggles, often those around us can still see clearly, better than we can ourselves.

That being said, I want to encourage you to take a moment today and share with someone one positive thing you like or appreciate about their life on their FB wall, LinkedIn profile, in a text, or a phone call -- or imagine this -- face to face. You may think, "Ah, they already know that" -- but you never know if this is a day they need a little encouragement, or, they may just not see what you see.

Keeping a positive perspective is a key to life satisfaction and your words may be just the sugar someone needs today. There is so much truth in this proverb: "Kind words are like honey--sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." And I think that applies both to the receiver and the giver of kind words.

"When you encourage others, you in the process are encouraged because you're making a commitment and difference in that person's life. Encouragement really does make a difference." --Zig Ziglar

 So spread a little honey today! You words may turn around someone's world today, and you may be surprised at another's positive perspective on your own life.

How is your conflict-resolve working for you?

I often get accused of being passive-aggressive when it comes to resolving conflict. And I don’t deny it. Well, at least not the entire accusation. When conflict arises, I am passive but I am not aggressive. I’m not a yeller, I don’t explode, and I’ve never thrown things or slapped someone in the face like they do so promptly (and somehow seemingly consequence-free) in the movies. Remember when Scarlett threw the vase at Rhett? (Me either, it was a little before my time, but I’ve heard about it.)  When in conflict I tend to camp out in Wayne Dyer’s mindset when he said, “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” But my lack of vase-throwing does not elevate me above those who do. My passiveness is equally hurtful and unhelpful in conflict resolve. It drives people nuts, especially those who tend to be competitive or controlling. Heck, it drives me nuts! Why can’t I just voice my opinion, yell a little, and get mad?!

Just a few weeks ago I received a phone call from someone carrying quite a bit of pent-up anger directed toward me. (These are rare, mind you, lest you think I’m a high-conflict sort of person). She was upset, to say the least, and I could hear a shaky anger in her voice. She became quite vocal, asked me questions but answered them herself, and even threw out a bit of name-calling. 

I know her words probably should have riled me up, but they didn’t. When she reached her peak of spewing, I sensed the blank expression on my face and could actually feel a cloud of grey, emotionless fog creeping into my bones. I wasn’t tuning her out. I actually heard her quite nicely (because she was very loud at that point), and think I understood where she was coming from. It’s just that she’s someone who gets angry often, at many people, and I’ve learned to separate her stress from my stress. She gets upset but that doesn’t mean I have to get upset. Nevertheless--my passiveness, though it may protect my heart in moments such as these, actually escalated her anger and didn’t help with the conflict resolution one bit.

I have always carried a bit of guilt about my lack of Scarlett-ness when it comes to conflict resolve because so many people have told me it’s not healthy. Well-meaning friends have actually chided me to show my anger, to punch something! Passiveness is my own brand of avoidance, I’ll admit. But sometimes it really seems to work to de-escalate a situation. Yet other times, like on the recent phone call, it just makes things worse...which leaves me not feeling so great about my problem solving skills.

So is avoidance good or bad?! I only recently learned, from the work of Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in 1974, creators of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) to assess an individual’s behavior in conflict, that there are different approaches to resolving conflict and each approach is correct –depending upon the moment. The 5 Conflict Resolution Styles they came up with are:

• Competing
• Compromise
• Avoidance
• Collaboration
• Accommodation

Who would’ve known?  I’ve always thought there was one best practice to resolving conflict, and knew I didn't have it. I figured I just needed to be more assertive. And the thing is, I do. At times. But sometimes, I need to be more accommodating. And other times, a little more compromising would do the trick. It’s not that one way is any better or worse than another way --it’s just a matter of figuring out WHICH method is most appropriate for the situation at hand. 

So how do we know when to use which style of conflict management? Authors of  the book Competence in Interpersonal Conflict, William Cupach and Daniel Canary, said this, 

“There is little value in preparing a cookbook of recipes for conflict success. The effects of conflict interaction depend directly on what the participants do mentally with conflict behaviors – that is, how they process and interpret those behaviors.”

Regrettably there’s not an easy formula to use, an ‘input = output’. I’d love to tell you that when this happens, do this, and when that happens, do that, but these things called human beings are involved in interpersonal conflict.  Living, breathing, feeling humans with erratic behavior, differing backgrounds and all levels of maturity and ability to manage their own emotions. Not to mention what you bring to the table. And when these feelings clash in passionate discourse, the ability to choose the correct conflict management style can be difficult to say the least. We have to use social and emotional intelligence – the ability to read, in the moment, our own emotions and those of others, and manage them appropriately. In the moment. That’s the hard part. Because in the heat of the moment is when it’s extremely difficult to exercise any kind of control, but in the heat of the moment is when we need to use social and emotional intelligence the most!

And we all have our go-to, preferred style when it comes to managing conflict. What’s yours?  Know that this is normal. We develop it based upon our past experiences of what has worked – and what hasn’t, even from our early childhood. We also learn our style based upon the corporate culture in which we work. For example, in your office, how is conflict typically resolved? Are there frequent blow-ups? Does your manager immediately call a meeting? Do certain coworkers avoid other coworkers? Sometimes we tend to go with the flow of ‘how things are’ in our work environments and adopt those styles as our own. As well, we can learn our own style of conflict resolve based upon observing others and seeing what works (and doesn’t work) for them.

No matter your current style of conflict resolve, it doesn’t mean you can’t stretch yourself to learn a new way of operating. Phyllis Bottome, a British novelist, put it this way:

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties:  You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them.” 

Since most conflicts that arise can’t exactly be altered, as they’ve already taken place, our choice is how we alter ourselves to meet them.

Learning to use each of these styles, depending upon the situation, will increase our interpersonal effectiveness and ability to work well with others. Let’s look at the 5 styles to 1-see which best describes you and 2-learn when using this style is most effective:

The Competitor.  You are assertive and aggressive, and tend to dominate disagreements. You demonstrate little concern for the opinion of others. While this method can be hurtful and stifling to the other parties involved, the Competitor is vital in situations where decisiveness is necessary. Emergencies in which quick action is needed cry out for the Competitor, often when the issue requires an unpopular action.   

The Compromiser.  You are cooperative and assertive and act as a bridge between team members. You are agreeable to both sides of the conflict and can see the benefits of both viewpoints. The danger in this is that you are seen as not having a firm set of values, and at times you may not even recognize what you stand for. But the Compromiser is very beneficial to situations where a temporary settlement is called for on issues that are more complex, or when you need to find short-term solutions for the benefit of the relationship.

The Avoider.  You (me) can easily shrug off conflict. You refuse to engage in heated arguments, never let your temper rise and quickly disconnect from the other person’s viewpoint. Though this style can delay problem-resolve, and if overused breeds a lack of empathy, it is helpful when there are more pressing matters to tackle to keep everyone focused on what is important.  The Avoider can ‘turn down the heat’, (you’ve heard the saying it takes two to tumble) and slow things down so all of the information needed to resolve the conflict can be gathered. 

The Collaborator.  You are a good listener and like the Compromiser, able to cooperate and assert your opinions simultaneously; however, you actively seek to find a resolution so both sides win. You can be taken advantage of by more assertive team members, but this style is crucial when the objective is to integrate differing points of view and keep the team intact.

The Accommodator.  Harmony and cooperation are important to you. You are willing to put aside your own needs out of concern for the others and for the sake of the team. Though you tend to resist changes that are inevitable, this style is valuable when it is important to keep the peace or elevate positivity. Being accommodating is a good style to use when you realize you are wrong, or need to be the voice of reason. The Accommodator's influence has a long reach and when conflict comes up again down the road,  teammates remember that you were willing to see things from a different point of view. 

So there you go. Easy as pie, huh? Just pick the right style for the right situation and you’re set!  We all know it is easier said than done, and learning to navigate conflict resolve with ease can take a lifetime. But we may as well get busy figuring this out, as conflict is a part of being human. Saul Alinsky, community organizer and writer, sums it up with this:

 ”Conflict is a part of life. Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict.” 

 Conflict is not going away. But learning to deal with it in a healthier, more productive style can be learned. And the rewards of learning how to use the correct style of conflict management for the right occasion will bring us the gift of healthier, stronger interpersonal relationships.

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” – Richard Bach

A Slice of Life

IHOP at midnight is a wondrous place. 

If not for the windows you'd never know that darkness enveloped the lively, cheery eatery. Families, some eight to nine faces chatting 'round the table, little children up way past bedtime, sleepy eyes subdued but fighting to stay awake, herds of hormonal, laughing teenagers, talking loudly and ordering pancakes, the frumpy old man, scruffy and single, sitting alone sipping hot coffee, glad to be out and around people though he's spoken to no one all day, college kids singing, sobering up after a night out on the town, lovers just enjoying being lovers, kind-hearted waitresses who call us all "honey", faces weathered with lines telling tales of tears and triumphs, and me. JT crooning "You're Smiling Face" accompanied by the constant clatter of dishes, the scent of sweet, sticky artificial maple syrup, and a yellow light basking all in a warm, golden glow of comfort.

It's a delicious slice of real, down-to-earth living at its finest.

10 Easy Ways to Destroy Trust

How many times have we watched it happen? He takes a few steps backward in preparation to kick, that confident look of determination spreading across his face. This time we really want to see it. Just once. He charges forward at top speed to launch the pigskin to the other side of the field--and at the very last minute, she adeptly pulls the football away, causing him to land flat on his back in embarrassment and, I’d guess a considerable amount of pain.  If you were Charlie Brown, would you ever trust Lucy again?

Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book The Speed of Trust, says this:  “The first job of a leader—at work or at home—is to inspire trust. It’s to bring out the best in people by entrusting them with meaningful stewardships, and to create an environment in which high-trust interaction inspires creativity and possibility.” 

Trust is a competency of social and emotional intelligence that must be cultivated in order to gain the respect and following of others. Without it, our relationships fall apart because of our inability to create a safe atmosphere of dependability and reliability.  Listen to how Brian Tracy, Canadian author and speaker, puts it:

"The glue that holds all relationships together--including the relationship between the leader and the led--is trust, and trust is based on integrity."

 Trust is a component that is simply vital to our relationships with others, period. And interestingly, while it takes a long time to build trust, it takes only an instant to dismantle it.

Here are ten sure-fire ways to destroy others’ trust in you:

• Betray confidences. If you gossip and share damaging information about others, it may temporarily make you feel better about yourself, and create a temporary affinity between you and the person you're sharing with, but know that they will be thinking, “If you’re willing to talk about others behind their back, what will keep you from talking about me?"
• Blame others for your mistakes. I know, it’s difficult to say “It’s my fault” or “I messed up.” It’s so much easier to point the finger at others when things go awry. But blame-shifting won’t go without notice.  It's like a dimmer switch on respect.  
• Break your promises. There’s not much that devours trust more than not following through on what you’ll say you’ll do. Of course there are times when something comes up that you have to change your plans. But if you are consistently one who doesn’t deliver, others' trust in you will be diminished.
• Remain closed-off and never share personal matters of the heart.Obviously there is a time and place to tell all, but the lack of ability to share with appropriate self-disclosure will create a barrier between you and your teams. The “me too” mentality goes a long way in building bridges and helping others realize that you are all in this together. Without it, high walls of distrust are quickly constructed.
• Be explosive and unpredictable. Have you ever blown a tire while driving? The sudden explosion can startle even the best of drivers and make steering extremely difficult, creating strong doubt that the car is going to perform as it should. If you are constantly letting your anger cause a knee-jerk reaction that 'no one saw coming', their trust in your performance will be left behind on the side of the road like pieces of shredded, burned rubber.
• Tell little white lies, and while you’re at it, tell some whoppers, too. Not speaking truth can get you out of some sticky situations, but when the dishonesty is discovered (and these things have a way of somehow always making it to the surface), then how will people know when you are being honest and when you are not? Friedrich Neitzche, a German philosopher, said this: "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
• Talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. I once knew an instructor who facilitated workshops on the importance of living authentically, tapping into the help of an accountability partner, but covertly hid her own dark, hurtful behaviors from even her closest friends and family. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) the issues became public, and her credibility as a speaker on the topic was lost.
• When conflict arises, turn on those close to you. Disagreements are a part of being in relationship. There are healthy ways to resolve conflict and unhealthy ways. Choosing to shut people out, quitting relationships (or being quick on the trigger to fire employees) is an easy fix—and a great way to destroy trust.  [Note there are times when boundaries need to be set with very unhealthy people in your life and relationships do need to be ended.  But if quitting is your go-to technique for resolving all conflicts, know that you are doing a good job of ruining trust].
• Always put your own best interests ahead of everyone else’s. When others don’t feel like you regard what is important to them, their engagement and excitement for your plans, visions and dreams will wane. Believe it or not, making a habit of putting others first causes them to believe in you, trusting that you really care. To keep trust levels low, be sure to never consider the needs and desires of those around you.
• Consistently treat some people better than others. It’s the old saying, ‘Watch how he treats the waiter’. If you are a respecter of persons, rolling out the red carpet for some while trampling others underfoot will breed a fair amount of disrespect and distrust.

Again, in the words of Stephen M.R. Covey,

“Above all, success in business requires two things: a winning competitive strategy, and superb organizational execution. Distrust is the enemy of both.” I submit that while high trust won’t necessarily rescue a poor strategy, low trust will almost always derail a good one.”

When A Friendship Ends

Have you ever had a friend tell you they can't be your friend anymore?

Business partnerships, romantic relationships, and casual acquaintances come and go, and cause upset when they end, but we seem to attach a little more expectations of longevity to the relationships we call friendship. A friend is a person we know in depth, with whom we hold a special bond of mutual affection, (usually exclusive of sexual or family relations). They're our companion. Our confidant. One we can trust, rely upon, who will stand by us no matter what. But there are times when a friendship, for various reasons, can't withstand the sands of time. And it hurts.

When friendships come to a close, whether temporarily due to extenuating circumstances or permanently because of unhealthy habits, the pain you feel can trigger a number of reactions:

• Sadness.   You've suddenly lost someone dear to you. This can cause intense sorrowful feelings of emptiness.
• Revenge.  I know, it's immature, and equally hurtful, but we've all been there.  She has the gall to hurt me?  I'll just send a snippy little text back...
• Anger.  You invested a lot of your time, energy and heart into this friend.  And they think they can just walk away?  Now I'm mad...
• Global negativity. It's that feeling that this one event is indicative of your overall well-being and breeds thoughts of "here we go again" and  "see, nothing ever works out for me".
• Knee-jerk desperation. You're immediately hit with a vast, empty hole that the friend once filled, and it does not feel good.  Fine, I'll just replace them with someone new..."Next?!"

Which do you tend to choose?

While each of these emotions are valid, wallowing in any one too long will only retard your healing. And a word of warning: take care to be mindful of your actions while feeling these powerful emotions. Before you act -- stop and ask, "Will this help or hurt the situation in the long run?" While full of passion, actions based on emotion alone, without the wisdom of reason, can cause even more damage to both parties.

Resiliency, or grit, is that ability to bounce back after setbacks. Some of us have it, and some of us don't, especially when we're faced with something tough, like the loss of a friend, or other setbacks and failures. But it is a competency of emotional intelligence that can be learned and developed. Here are some quick tips that may be of help when faced with a painful loss:

1. Take care of yourself. We can't be resilient when we're lacking sleep, are malnourished, not exercising, or overly-stressed.
2. Challenge negative 'self-talk'. Ask yourself, "Is there any evidence to back up this self-doubt I'm feeling?" Probably not.
3. See disappointments as temporary, short-term and isolated. What just happened is specific to this particular circumstance, and most likely not applicable to your life as a whole.
4. Seek support from those in your life who care about you. Lean into your other friends and family and don't try to go it alone.
5. Do something that brings you rest and renewal. Can you get away for a few days to your favorite place? Go dancing? Take a long nap? Think about what brings you joy, and treat yourself to that luxury if possible.
6. Learn from others. It always helps to see what others are going through, and discover how they worked through their own disappointments. Outward thinking puts the situation into perspective and gets our mind off ourselves.

"Your choice:  victim or victor."  -- Author unknown

Loss of a friendship, or anything we hold near and dear, is tough. At times, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. But we humans are created to be resilient. We can do tough things. We can bounce back and persevere in the face of setbacks, and with some hard work, grit, and persistence...we will.