Don't miss the view

I woke early and hopped on my bicycle, barefoot, and pedaled over to the beach in the first rays of the morning light. Pinks, oranges, and purples danced across the water's surface. Sea gulls flocked together on the shore and sat silently looking seaward, dreaming of discarded sandwiches and half-empty bags of chips. A lone heron stood on one foot, stately and elegant, and a silvery fish jumped with a splash.The waves rolled in gently and the breezes whispered promises of peace and hope. Early mornings on the beach are the stuff dreams are made of.

That is, if you look past the trash strewn across the sand, remnants of yesterday's revels. Broken glass, empty soda cans, bags of garbage, diapers, broken chairs, plastic sand toys, dismantled canopies, busted umbrellas, fast food wrappers, grocery bags, cigarette butts, and oh, those plastic water bottle lids by the dozens.

Here's a thing I was thinking about. If I only focused on the garbage, and believe me, there was a LOT, and reflected on what kind of people would leave such a mess, the whole beach experience would be pretty crappy. I could get on social media and yell about it, criticize, and make snide remarks, making it clear I am not "these type of people", and how the world is going to h-e double hockey sticks because of it. I could pretend "it's my duty to inform you" of how degenerate people are and describe in detail their dastardly ways so you, too, can jump on my bandwagon. I could word my posts in such a way which breeds fear and panic about how polluted our world is, where no one would ever want to venture out to that dangerous, scary place called the beach again.

But look at this picture. Despite the messiness, the vista was breathtaking.

With a focus bent on the negative, I could have missed it.

Or, I could consider a different perspective. I could shake my head, then get busy picking up some trash. It's not fun. It's actually kind of gross. It hurts my back a little, too. But doable. Instead of scorning "them", I could choose to offer forgiveness to those who don't know better (or maybe do and make a choice to care about things different from me). And all the while, soak in the stunning beauty which surrounds me.

Every day we read and watch nothing but negative behaviors on our news feeds. There's some pretty awful stuff going on, hurtful and shocking and scary. Is it tainting your view of all humans? Of our country? Of this world?

And what are you doing about it? Are you helping pick up the broken pieces during these crazy times, or just kicking them around, making an even bigger mess?

I know, the trash is real, and it's ugly. And there are dangers associated with it, and things are not as we'd like them to be, and we're scared. But try to keep living, humanely, despite it all. It's easy to kick around the anger, fear, and worry, spreading it to everyone you know. It's harder to bend down and pick it up, and put it in its place.

If you feel at a loss as to what you can do to help in these unsettling times, consider picking up some of the residue left by others who are hurting, angry, and struggling. Grab a bag and carry it for them, and find a place to discard it, even if you don't think they deserve it. Maybe it comes in the form of sending encouraging words in a text. Maybe send some money anonymously to help someone who is struggling financially. Maybe share a positive post. Maybe make someone laugh. Maybe let them know you value them. Maybe share a meal, send a gift card, or ask someone how they are doing, and take time to really listen. Discover their needs, their fears, their dreams, and figure out how to help clean up the mess. Because we all end up in messes sometimes. And we all need others to help when we find ourselves in that messy place.

And while you're doing that, look up.The sunrise is amazing. Sure, these days you have to look a little harder to see it, but it's there, every morning, the dawning of a new day. So lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, to the north, and to the south, and to the east and to the west. You won't want to miss the view.

How to live a beautiful life

Someone told me yesterday that my world sounds so easy, so fun. She even went on to say she wished she had my life.  I took it as a compliment--as it was--but I had to laugh. My life, really? If she only knew...!

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -- Abraham Lincoln

It's all about perspective. I don't lead any more of a charmed life than the next (nor am I any worse for the wear than the next).  I am simply learning the art of reframing. Like when we snap a photo of a beautiful nature scene, and notice it's not centered, or an unwanted object is marring the setting, we open our photo editing software and crop to get a new perspective. In reality, the undesirables are still there but we've reframed it, so our focus is on the beauty instead of the blemishes.

 

We must do the same to live a beautiful life.

 

This month I'll admit I've experienced an enviable lifestyle. I have drunk in the scandalous scent of lavender and lilacs, watched the orange-pink sun rise in the morning's first light, and squinted in the glimmer of sun rays dancing on a shimmering lake. I have heard the sweet harmonies of my daughter's voices and watched their speedy legs run across the finish line to victory. I've spent enjoyable evenings with dear, sweet elderly women and laughed at their stories of days gone by. I've relaxed by the turquoise pool at my cozy apartment, baked warm, fresh homemade bread and enjoyed drinks on a patio with a dear friend. I've spent quiet, peaceful alone time on a long morning run contemplating life and the exciting options spread before me. I received a surprise refund from my cable company. On Mother's Day, I hiked along a sparkling stream with my girls and saw two magnificent moose in the wilderness of a national park. Yes, it's been a month to be coveted.

 

Yet in this very same month, I inhaled a lot of second-hand pot smoke (not my favorite thing in the world), which wafts up from our inconsiderate neighbors below. I could only get a glimpse of the sunrise for the tall concrete buildings that block my morning view, and watched discarded Styrofoam cups floating on the surface of a dirty lake. I heard my daughters declare they felt ugly and watched them cry with disappointment after not performing as well as they'd hoped in their races. I've spent exhausting evenings with frail, old ladies who admitted they are ready to die. I lived in a cramped apartment with an overcrowded pool full of screaming kids and slept in a too-small twin bed that made my back ache. I baked my own bread in attempt to save money because I was worried about bills. I felt lonely, doubted my purpose in life, and felt fat while attempting a slow morning run. I got a notice that I owed more than I thought on a credit card bill.  On Mother's Day I spent the entire morning alone while my girls took their stepmother out to brunch.

 

Same month. Same events. Two perspectives.

 

"If we only tune in to the ugly parts of our lives, which we all experience from time to time, what an ugly life we'll lead!"

Realistic optimism is a competency of emotional intelligence and something we can all learn. It isn't about pretending tough times don't exist or being a naive Pollyanna; it's learning to hone in on the positive and not on the parts of life that drag us down.  It's easier to do the latter, trust me, as I've spent hours, days, and weeks over the years wallowing in my miseries. The difficulty of our struggles can feel so heavy that they diminish our ability to see clearly. But no matter how dark it may look, remember that right alongside those woes is a world of wonder. To 'see' requires a shift of focus.

 

I have friends whose daughter is in a battle for her life, and in each moment they don't know if she is going to make it. I have another friend who has lost use of her legs, racked with pain, and can't get outside to see the pink blossoms on the springtime trees. Yet all three of these saints somehow remain positive and joyful. Their noble, hope-infused mindset inspires me beyond words.

 

“Life is like a sandwich! Birth as one slice, and death as the other. What you put in between the slices is up to you. Is your sandwich tasty or sour?" -- Allan Rufus

 

As you tumble out of bed on this fresh, new morning, and begin to go about your day, get out your editing software! Refuse to let the negatives define your day or even worse, your life. Of course your trials are heavy and difficult. I know. But beauty and blessings are right there too, light and lovely, awaiting your discovery. Now is as good as time as any to begin to learn how to reframe so you can get busy living a beautiful life.

 

 

Are you a realistic optimist?

If you admit to being over 40, you probably remember the movie Pollyanna, the story about a little girl who saw everything through rose-colored glasses. The phrase "You're being Pollyannish" was coined to describe someone who naively sees only the positive side of a situation. You know those kind of people. The ones who are always smiling. The ones who always have a cheerful word, no matter what's going on around them. The ones who never have a bad thing to say about another, and always walk with a bounce in their step. You know, the ones who are, well, annoying.

It's as if the frustrating, negative, painful aspects of life can't touch them. They only feel the ups of the ups and downs, the highs of the highs and lows. I don't understand them. I once walked into a retail store on my lunch hour, brooding about a previous incident at the office that rubbed me the wrong way, and was greeted by an enthusiastic attendant who, stepping a little too close into my space, chirped a cheery "It's a great day -- how can I help you?" with a smile so sincere that I felt a stab of pain in aversion to the overflowing joy. I turned around and walked out. If I'm in a mood, I can hardly make eye contact with these eternal optimists, for fear their wide-eyed brightness will rub off on my foul state of mind...one that I'm happily relishing in the moment. Especially if I haven't yet had my morning coffee.

There's a reason Pollyannish optimists get under our skin. It's one thing to be optimistic, and it's another thing to be realistically optimistic. Optimists of the naive sort tends to gloss over the negative aspects of life and lacks experience and wisdom. Without these it becomes difficult to respect them or trust their reliability. They are hard to relate to and we tend to close up and not want to enter an authentic relationship with them because they just don't get it. Realistic optimism, on the other hand, is the ability to expect success rather than failure, see opportunities instead of threats, and expecting the future to bring positive change, in light of negative circumstances. Realistic optimists know how to make others feel accepted by showing they understand that life can be tough -- but they don't let the tough times take them down. It's not that realistic optimists don't see the downside of situations; they're just able to look ahead with confidence that things are going to turn out all right. Realistic optimism is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a far cry from being Pollyannish.

"If we define optimism broadly as the tendency to maintain a positive outlook, then realistic optimism is the tendency to maintain a positive outlook within the constraints of the available "measurable phenomena situated in the physical and social world" -- Sandra L. Schneider

People who possess this valuable skill are able to think clearly and stay focused when under pressure, restrain negative responses that will cause the situation to deteriorate, and manage impulsive feelings even in trying moments. In effect, they can adjust their emotional responses to fit the situation at hand. Without this competency, we tend to react impulsively, are quick to anger, can be defensive, and may become agitated, depressed or sullen when faced with stress on the job or at home.
Wondering which you are? Here are 5 traits of a realistic optimist:

• ·        You view negative circumstances as surmountable
• ·        You perceive setbacks as a challenge rather than a sign of defeat
• ·        You operate from a mindset of taking action vs. inaction from fear of failure
• ·        You recognize that unpleasant events are temporary
• ·        You temper negative self-talk with a knowing that you will succeed

Exercising realistic optimism can great affect your productivity and ability to enjoy your daily work. Realistic optimism is not a personality trait but a learned behavior that can be developed. One way to increase this competency is to practice gratitude. A study was done by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough on the impact gratitude has on our well-being. They put people into three groups -- one group with instructions to simply keep a daily journal, no specifications as to content. The second group was to only record negative experiences, and the third to make a list of things they were thankful for. The results? Those who daily expressed their gratitude experienced less stress and depression and had higher levels of enthusiasm, energy, and determination, concluding that those in the third group were more likely to make progress toward the achievement of personal goals and exhibit an optimistic view of life.

“To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.” -- Robert Emmons

If you struggle with an outlook of realistic optimism, try tuning into your self-talk about the adversities in your life. Take notes on the how you hear yourself describing your setbacks--and your responses to them. Dispute the negative beliefs and look for evidence of successes, avoiding phrases like "this always happens to me" or "I'll always fail at this".  A great resource for developing realistic optimism is Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism.

An optimist, in the words of the late Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, is "...a man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery."

How's the scenery from your tree?

Pass the honey, honey

I've been thinking a lot on perspective, maintaining a positive mindset, and being thankful lately-- and thanks to a friend's thought-provoking blog this morning on the art of remembering--realize that a key to staying positive is reminding ourselves of the good in our lives, in the midst of rough times. It's not easy to do. We all have our stressors that cause us to lose perspective. What are yours? Mine are finances -- when those are on shaky ground, I quickly and easily forget all the good things going on in my world. For some of us it is health, or parenting struggles, or being single, or ____ (fill in the blank). It's not that these issues aren't real, tough, and painful, because they are, but should they trump all other good things in our life?

And our addiction to social media doesn't help.  It's easy if we're not careful to come down with the Grass Is Greener Syndrome, a life-sucking disease that causes anger, victimization, jealousy, and depression.

 Sometimes we need a little help with our realistic optimism, a competency of emotional intelligence. I know I forget far too easily and quickly all the good things going on in my life when a crisis arises, and the encouraging words of a friend (or stranger even) are all it takes to help me find perspective again. When we get blinded by stress and struggles, often those around us can still see clearly, better than we can ourselves.

That being said, I want to encourage you to take a moment today and share with someone one positive thing you like or appreciate about their life on their FB wall, LinkedIn profile, in a text, or a phone call -- or imagine this -- face to face. You may think, "Ah, they already know that" -- but you never know if this is a day they need a little encouragement, or, they may just not see what you see.

Keeping a positive perspective is a key to life satisfaction and your words may be just the sugar someone needs today. There is so much truth in this proverb: "Kind words are like honey--sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." And I think that applies both to the receiver and the giver of kind words.

"When you encourage others, you in the process are encouraged because you're making a commitment and difference in that person's life. Encouragement really does make a difference." --Zig Ziglar

 So spread a little honey today! You words may turn around someone's world today, and you may be surprised at another's positive perspective on your own life.

How to live a beautiful life

Someone told me yesterday that my world sounds so easy, and fun, and that they wished they had my life. And though I took it as a compliment, I had to laugh. My life, really?! If they only knew...!

It's all about perspective, isn't it? I do not lead any more of a blessed life than the next, (or any worse for the wear than the next). I am simply learning the art of cropping. Reframing. Like when we snap a photo of a beautiful nature scene, and see that it's not centered, or that an unsightly road sign or electrical wires or trash are showing in the picture, we immediately open up our photo editing software and crop, leaving only the desired subject. In reality the undesirables are still there but we've reframed it so our focus is on the beauty instead of the blemishes.

We have to do the same to live a beautiful life. This month I admit I have led an enviable life. I have drunk in the scandalous scent of lavender and lilacs, watched the orange pink sun rise in the morning's first light, and squinted in the glimmer of sun rays dancing on a shimmering lake. I have heard the sweet harmonies of my daughter's voices and watched their speedy legs run across the finish line to victory. I've spent fun evenings with dear sweet elderly women and laughed at their stories of days gone by. I relaxed by the turquoise pool at my apartment, baked warm, fresh homemade bread and enjoyed drinks on a patio with a dear friend. I spent quiet peaceful alone time on a long morning run. I got a new job--two new jobs actually! and received a surprise refund from my cable company. On Mother's Day, I hiked along a sparkling stream with my girls and saw two magnificent moose in the wilderness of a national park. Yes, I live a very blessed life.

Yet in this very same month, I inhaled a lot of second-hand pot smoke, my least favorite scent, which wafts up from our neighbors below, barely saw the sunrise for the tall concrete buildings that block my morning view, and watched discarded McDonald's cups floating on the surface of a dirty lake. I heard my daughters say they looked ugly and watched them cry with disappointment after losing their races. I've spent exhausting evenings with frail old ladies who both admitted they have no purpose and are ready to die. I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and sleep in a too-small twin bed that makes my back ache, bake my own bread because I can't justify spending money on the good bread from the store, and haven't allowed myself to buy a bottle of wine for months in attempts to be frugal. I've felt lonelier for a life companion than I have in all my 15 years of divorce, doubted my purpose in life, and felt like a fat cow while attempting a slow morning run. I suddenly lost 20 hours of my primary job and had to work three part time jobs at 60+ hours a week, so tiring, and wasn't sure how I would pay this month's rent not to mention other bills, cancelled cable, data and other luxuries just to make ends meet. On Mother's Day I spent the entire morning alone while my kids worked and took their stepmother out to brunch.

Same month. Same events. Two perspectives.

If we focus on the ugly parts of our lives, which we all experience, what an ugly life we'll lead! This isn't about pretending that the tough things aren't present, or being a naive Pollyanna; it's learning to hone in on the fantastic and not on the parts of life that drag us down. It's easier to do the latter, trust me, as I've spent hours, days, and weeks over the years wallowing in my miseries. But right alongside those woes is a whole wide world of wonder. If we're not careful, we'll miss the magical moments happening all around us, right now, because we're focused on the fodder.

We have friends right now whose daughter is in a battle for her life, and in each moment they don't know if she is going to make it. We have a dear friend who has lost use of her legs, racked with pain, and can't get outside to see the pink blossoms on the springtime trees. Yet all three of these saints remain positive, joyful, and full of hope. Their noble and faith-infused mindset inspires me beyond words.

So as you tumble out of bed on this fresh, new morning, and begin to go about your day, get out your photo editing software! Refuse to let the negatives define your day, your life. I know they are there, and they are heavy and difficult. I know. But the beauty and blessings are right there too, and they are equally light and lovely.

Don't you think it's a good day to begin to learn how to reframe? I'm up for the challenge! Some days I'm really good at it and other days I completely fail...but every day is a fresh new canvas just waiting for our splash of colors. What choice do we have other than to keep attempting to paint, something beautiful, each and every day?

I can't wait to see and hear about your photogenic lives as they unfold today...

Innovation & Creativity: Two qualities you want to possess

“I’m just not that creative.”

You’ve surely heard this phrase from team members who don’t think they are innovative. Or maybe you’ve said it yourself. There is a misnomer about  imagination and inventiveness, that they are mysterious, hidden talents reserved only for the highly gifted and accomplished sculptors, musicians, painters, and designers of the world. The truth is, we all have a degree of creativity, but we’ve buried it so deeply that it feels impossible to dredge up. Creativity and innovation are valuable competencies of social and emotional intelligence which can be of great benefit once developed.

How creative are you?  Take this fun, short quiz to find out:  http://thecreativityquiz.com/ (created by Tanner Christensen).

I once had an art professor who fit the stereotype of ‘artist’ in every shape and form. She spoke in abstracts (as in, those of us who prided ourselves in our literal mindsets would look at each other and roll our eyes when she’d launch into one of her ‘way out there’ discourses). She wore whimsical, flowing skirts and scarves and her hair was rather unkempt. When she talked, her eyes would drift off and out the window to who knows where, as if her body was present with us in the classroom but her mind was merrily wandering in a faraway land of enchantment. Being the analytical, stick-to-the-point kind of person that I am, I struggled to connect with her and stay engaged in the course. My low point was the day when she walked in and said, with a flamboyant wave of her hand, "Paint a tree." 

Paint a tree. That seemed simple enough. All the creatives in class immediately went to work, opening up their vials of linseed oil, mixing colors, and splashing paint on their canvases…and I just sat there. Paint a tree? I needed perimeters. Guidelines. Lines to color in. I raised my brush to signal her to come over. I had a plethora of questions. What kind of tree? How large? In what season? How many branches? Should it have a landscape? How many details do we add? All of which of course she refused to answer. With each inquiry she pursed her lips tighter, smiled and shook her head (which needless to say didn’t help my already-struggling attitude toward the class).

After an excruciating 15 minutes of me stewing in a near-panic attack, our instructor finally broke her silence and stated, as if to the whole class (but I know it was directed to me as I was the only one sitting motionless), “Your tree can be absolutely anything you dream of.”  In other words, let go of my limiting analytical frameworks and just create.

Creativity is the ability to open up to new ideas, perspectives, and approaches and actually try them out.  It’s thinking ‘out of the box’ and allowing yourself to pursue a new way of doing things. This quality is vital in the professional world where our clients are in constant demand for us to provide the best, the latest, the most up-to-date, and the most interesting. Without creativity we can get stuck doing things the way we always have, which in this fast-paced society, can quickly become antiquated and insignificant.

If you’re one who struggles with creative thinking, the good thing is that it can be learned. Consider these 6 L’s for starters:

• Learn to brainstorm – when a solution is being asked for, write down your first thought—and then make yourself come up with at least five other solutions.
• Lean in to your teammates – gathering ideas from others and adopting them as your own can help you begin to see unique alternatives.
• Look for the surprises in the everyday.  Tuning in to the ordinary with all of your senses can spark creative ideas.
• Let yourself ask questions, especially exploring the ‘why’s’.
• Lay out some space in your daily schedule to allow time to ponder, conceptualize and dream. We can’t be creative when we are worn out by too many demands.
• Listen to your positive emotions. Researcher say that positive emotions are more conducive to creativity than negative ones (https://hbr.org/2015/08/the-emotions-that-make-us-more-creative). Allow these feelings to guide your though processes.

There are many exercises and activities you can do to increase your ability to think creatively. Working with a coach who has been trained in social and emotional intelligence can be a terrific asset to getting your creative juices flowing.

Somehow on that fateful day in art class I was able to complete the assignment and produced a scraggly, weather-twisted tree whose branches cast a sparse canopy for the wind-blown grasses I brushed in beneath. Though it definitely was not best-in-class, it actually resembled a tree and had a touch of original imagery. And now, some 20 years later, I rely on my creativity when tackling projects of all types. My ability to generate fresh ideas with a good degree of resourcefulness has become one of my strong points.

Just don’t ask me to paint another tree.

What's in a Smile?

Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

In a split second, are you able to determine the emotional state of the person across from you? Some researchers say you can, and being able to do this can increase your social intelligence -- that ability to, in the moment, to be aware of others' emotions and use that information to manage your relationships.

Remember the relationship god Nick Marshall became in the movie What Women Want when he suddenly could hear what others were thinking? Just imagine how much more effective we could be in leading our teams and inspiring our co-workers if we knew exactly what they were feeling!  

As we connect with others, we tend to emotionally mirror -- that unconscious reaction that happens in a split second when our inferior frontal gyrus recognizes someone's facial expression and tells us to mimic it. When they smile, we smile. When they frown, we frown. And it's this mirroring that can help us better tune into others' emotions. 

"A pair of US psychologists in 2011 found people who used botox, a popular anti-wrinkle treatment that freezes muscles, wereless able to judge others' emotions compared to subjects who only used dermal fillers (which plump the skin rather than freeze it). "

Interesting, huh? Apparently not being able to mirror interrupts vital emotional brain signals necessary to correctly interpret emotions.

Apart from mirroring, there are many competencies of social intelligence that we can develop and strengthen to better read how others are feeling. Which skills from this list, if developed, would be most helpful to you in navigating your relationships at the office?

• empathy
• situational awareness
• service orientation
• communication
• interpersonal effectiveness
• powerful influencing skills
• conflict management
• inspirational leadership
• catalyzing change
• building bonds
• teamwork and collaboration
• coaching and mentoring others
• building trust

Just being aware of your strengths and weaknesses in these areas can give you a good start down the road of behavior change -- and tuning in to how your teammates are feeling. Read more of this interesting article by Belinda Smith here:  Why smiles and frowns are contagious 

Adventure in the Everyday

Almost every day I ask God for an adventure, some unexpected turn of events that transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It rarely comes in the shape or form I expect. 

Today, my back went out while pulling on my boots at the office, a simple task that sometimes catches us middle-agers by surprise. If you've ever had your back go out, you know how the day went, catching my breath in a sharp intake each time I attempted to stand up or sit down or turn, etc. There's not much that makes you feel more like an old lady than deliberate attempts to maneuver the most basic of moves at tortoise speed. Anyway on the way home our bus broke down 2.5 miles from my apartment. Normally I wouldn't worry about the delay because I'm just heading home, but tonight my little one had a band concert that I just had to be at! If I stayed to wait for the next bus I'd miss her performance. So I did what any sane parent with back pain would do--got off the bus to run / walk the rest of the way. Javier my Spanish-speaking friend got off with me so I would be safe, since we had a long stretch along Alameda Ave in not the best neighborhood to travel on foot. Along with another rider who chose not to wait it out, the three of us ran (aka slipped and slid), bundled in our snow pants and snow coats and snow boots carrying our backpacks in the 18 degree temps up the hill on the icy snowy sidewalk all the way to Belmar, gasping and coughing and sweating and laughing and talking in Spanglish. Javier kept checking his watch to assure me we were going to make it. Thirty five minutes later over hill and dale we arrived at my car, and after mi amigo helped scrape the sheet of ice off the windshield, I drove and got to the concert on time with 5 minutes to spare! I was a sweaty mess and later got chilled but se la vie. And I didn't think I was going to exercise today because of me achin' back. We all decided it was our best bus ride home ever.

5 Traits of a Realistic Optimist

If you admit to being over 40, you probably remember the movie Pollyanna, the story about a little girl who saw everything through rose-colored glasses.  In recent years, the phrase "you're being Pollyannish" has been coined to describe someone who is naively positive about a situation--to their detriment.  No one wants to be ignorant or unaware of what's really going on around them.

It's a gift--and a competency of emotional intelligence--to practice realistic optimism, which is a far cry from naivety.  Realistic optimism is the ability to expect success rather than failure, see opportunities instead of threats, and expecting the future to bring positive change.  

Here are 5 traits of a realistic optimist:

• You view negative circumstances as surmountable
• You perceive setbacks as a challenge rather than a sign of defeat
• You operate from a mindset of taking action vs. inaction from fear of failure
• You recognize that unpleasant events  are temporary
• You temper negative self-talk with a knowing that you will succeed

Having realistic optimism can great affect your productivity and ability to enjoy your daily work.  If you struggle with this competency, try tuning into your self-talk about the adversities in your life.  Take notes on the how you hear yourself describing your setbacks--and your responses to them.  Dispute the negative beliefs and look for evidence of successes, avoiding phrases like "this always happens to me" or "I'll always fail at this".   A great resource for developing realistic optimism is  Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism.

In which camp do you fall?  An optimist, in the words of the late Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, is "...a man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery."  How's the scenery from your tree?

The Choice of Joy

Welcome to the office. It's Friday. And though weekend fun is impending, many of us still have a good 8 hours left to tackle the challenges that often accompany our work days.

How do you handle setbacks?  Think back on the last time something at the office didn't exactly go your way. Did you become quiet?  Or did you get angry?  Did you yell at someone?  Or just become frustrated, smart aleck, or ______? (fill in the blank).  And  possibly even more important, if we asked those who work with you about your reaction, how would they answer?

When people encounter me hiking a new woodsy trail, or exploring a clear mountain lake in Rocky Mountain National Park, or jumping off a cliff into the cold waters of Clear Creek, there's no doubt that they pick up on the infectious joy that I'm feeling.  It's easy in that environment--the outdoors is my happy place. But what about at the office when faced with difficult people, budget challenges or our favorite, "uncooperative technology"? Chris Myers, in his excellent article on choosing joy (Finding Joy:  The Case for Unrelenting Positivity) says this: "It is our choice to be happy and positive in the face of challenges. Positivity and joy are contagious and can quickly shape the very fabric of your reality." 

Having the ability to choose realistic optimism in the face of challenges is a competency of social and emotional intelligence. The fact that we can choose our reaction gives us the power to carve out a day that is positive and productive no matter what difficult situations rear their ugly head.  

It's your Friday.  Make it a good one.

What's In Your Jar?

A little over two years ago, on January 1, 2014, I was determined, despite circumstances, to somehow make the coming year one of the best. I bought a colorful jar at a local thrift shop and brought it home, cleaned it up, and placed it on a prominent shelf in our living room. Each day, if and when something positive happened that caught me by surprise, I took a moment to jot the event down on a scrap of paper and toss it in the jar, with hopes of filling it by the year end.

Some happenings I wrote down were notable blessings, others just small acts of kindness, or a glimpse of beauty. Someone bought me dinner. I found a hidden $20 in an old coat pocket. The sunrise was an orange-pink creamsicle. I was invited to meet Peyton Manning at a breakfast. My car started again after stalling out. I found the more I wrote down, the more I started noticing all of the remarkable things that were happening all around me all throughout the day. I wondered if other years had been like this, and I just hadn't noticed. June came and the jar was overflowing. I had to start another jar.

A study was done by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCoullough on the impact gratitude has on our well being. They put people into three groups -- one group with instructions to simply keep a daily journal, no specifications as to content. The second group was to only record negative experiences, and the third to make a list of things they were thankful for. The results? Those who daily expressed their gratitude experienced less stress and depression and had higher levels of enthusiasm, energy, and determination, concluding that those in the third group were more likely to make progress toward the achievement of personal goals and exhibit an optimistic view of life.

I'm not much for get-rich-quick schemes, but I do believe that incorporating gratitude into our daily lives is an easy and practical way to increasing a sense of abundance. Realistic optimism, a trait of emotional intelligence, results from seeing opportunities despite negative obstacles around us. It's that ability to see challenges as hurdles that can be leaped, being unfazed by defeat, and operating from a mindset of success rather than a fear of failure. It's not that the negative things no longer exist, or happen; it's that we no longer primarily focus on them and let them bog us down. 

On December 31, 2014, at 9pm, I emptied my jars. Seeing the hundreds of notes spread out across my bed, and reading the little snippets of love, joy, and wonder that I experienced the year before, many of which I'd forgotten, made my heart sing. I felt like the richest girl in on earth! This practice of expressing gratitude in writing changed my heart from the inside out and completely refreshed my perspective. 

If you're struggling to find the good in your day-to-day life, don't wait until the start of the new year to develop the mindset of gratitude. November is as good of month as any to start. It may be a stretch at first to even find one positive thing in your day worthy of writing down, but try it.  Search for them, if needed, as you'd scour the house for a valuable possession you misplaced. Keep your eyes, ears, and hearts attuned to even the tiniest of blessings, no matter how silly they may seem. 

Then let me know how your jar's looking by June.

“To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.” -- Robert Emmons