Speaking the truth in love

A few years back I met a group of loved ones honoring a deceased friend at a celebration of life gathering. There were old faces I hadn't seen in years, and it was great to catch up, rehashing stories from college days, sharing about our kids, families, and travels. I found it delightful to engage in the rich, connecting conversations, and despite our sadness over the loss of our friend, joy abounded -- except with one.

She was not someone I ever knew well, but we shared many friendships and experiences. Within minutes of a conversation with her, she had turned off everyone unfortunate enough to be standing within earshot. Not only did she share a disapproving comment about our deceased friend's children, she found fault with the food (lovingly prepared and donated by some kindhearted women in the local church area), and went on to share with us all how her personal eating and exercise regime is what made her look as good as she did. Huh?! One by one, people made excuses to leave the conversation. I noticed she didn't look any of us in the eye as she spoke, and didn't pause to ask many questions. When one friend pointed out she was being a bit rude, she defended herself with, "I'm just being honest."

Justifying hurtful words

How many times has someone used these four words to explain away their hurtful, negative, and damaging behavior, as if somehow honesty makes it OK?

I am not talking about telling lies to appease people, or about being dishonest to win friends. Being honest, up front, and speaking the truth are vital components of building trust with others, and trust is the foundation of meaningful relationships. Those that make a habit of telling untruths, whether about important or seemingly trivial matters, ruin their dependability and trustworthiness. Speaking with honesty is a very good thing. But how we speak our truth matters.

"The only way to tell the truth is to speak with kindness. Only the words of a loving man can be heard." --Henry David Thoreau

You can't have one without the other

Honesty and kindness go hand-in-hand, and those who don't learn how to speak truth with kindness will most often go unheard. These are the people who come across as a little "rough around the edges", and have an approach when tends to chill conversations. They may appear to be arrogant and unapproachable, and are often impatient, distant, and insensitive. Without even trying, they're able to devalue others and are quick to jump to their own conclusions, eager to share their own opinions without consideration of the viewpoints of others. They often appear to be 'too busy' to slow down and really connect with others, and often struggle with a strong sense of self-righteousness.

Does this sound like someone you'd want to work for, or hire, or work alongside on a team? Those who haven't learned the art of building bonds are not the most enjoyable to be around, and often not someone we even want to connect with. The absence of people skills can leave them isolated and lacking in the friendship department. They may think others respect them where often it's just that others avoid them. Though they may pride themselves in "speaking the truth", this inability to connect with others can limit their success.

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart." -- Ancient proverb

What is kindness?

On the other hand, kindness can be translated as interpersonal effectiveness. It's a competency of emotional intelligence that can be developed, and is a strong determinant of the quality of our relationships. It's the ability to make others feel comfortable and put them at ease. People who are good at this are able to show compassion and empathy to build rapport...while they speak the truth.

How do they do this?

For one thing, they have a good understanding of how the social world works by tuning in to those around them. They've taken the time to understand and in turn, respect, differing cultural, religious, political, and socioeconomic belief system, even if it is not how they personally believe. They have learned to listen intently, reading body language as much as the verbal words they're hearing, reflecting back for understanding, and use their words to build others up rather than tear down. They take a genuine interest in others and strive to understand who the other person is and why they do the things they do. They exercise solid conflict management skills and are able to diffuse high-tension situations with ease by being supportive and encouraging when they encounter strife. They're not afraid to be vulnerable and share about themselves, because they're being intentional about living a life that is above-board and honorable.

Developing good people skills

If you find that more often than not your truth lacks kindness, take heart. We're talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed. Here are 7 tips to improve your interpersonal skills so that your truth spoken can be heard.

• Just put on a happy face. Seems simple, but recent studies show that those who express a genuine smile are able to connect better with others. Researcher Kostandin Kushlev says, "“Smiling is a really powerful social lubricant. When somebody smiles at you, that indicates approachability,”((https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563218304643) ) The positive energy a pleasant demeanor creates, not only in yourself, but others, can do a lot in building rapport.
• Make eye contact and speak their name. Have you ever left a conversation realizing you never even looked the other person in the eyes? Or have you asked someone their name only to forget it immediately? This is a fairly simple place to start, but looking at others in the eyes and using their name goes a long way in building rapport. Dale Carnegie said, “There is nothing more pleasant to a man than the sound of his own name.” No good at names? Stop making excuses and get good at it, because it is important. Using name associations and/or jotting down someone's name when you meet them can help.
• Say thanks. Robert Emmons, one of the leading scientific experts on gratitude, found that expressing gratitude does several things to improve social relations. It enables us to become more helpful and generous and leads us to forgive others of wrongs. Gratitude can even help us feel less lonely and isolated by prompting us to be more outgoing. (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good)
• Show you care. Learning to tune into the whys behind what others think can help you understand what drives their actions. Become other-oriented. How? Ask them questions about the details of their day-to-day lives -- inquire about their commute, their kids, and what they did over the weekend. Learn their dog's name. Discover their hopes and dreams. People love to be asked about themselves (and talk about themselves!) so ask open-ended questions to draw them out. And in doing so, resist the temptation to turn the conversation back to you. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” -- Steven R. Covey
• Be amiable and affable. People respond to a pleasant, friendly demeanor much better than when they feel criticized or judged. Even if you don't like what they're saying, or agree with them, there's no need to be demeaning or rude.
• Learn to fight fairly. No one enjoys conflict, but sweeping it under the rug or becoming combative and/or defensive doesn't do much to fix the situation. Attempt to listen to the other side of the story and let your goal be a win-win solution vs. getting your own way. There is an old proverb that encourages us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. If there's someone you are at odds with, do your best to resolve the conflict sooner than later. Ignoring the issues at hand only encourages us to stew, ruminate, and plant a seed of bitterness.
• Lend a helping hand. Developing a servant-leader mindset can go a long way in developing strong relationships. If there's someone you're not getting along with, try laying your own hurt feelings aside and think of something kind you could do for them. Maybe it's offering an encouraging word, or a sincere compliment, taking them out for coffee, or extending your help on a project. As Arthur Ciaramicoli says in his book, The Stress Solution, “Doing good induces others to reciprocate.”

We all want to be heard, and learning to speak our truth with kindness can go a long way in enhancing our connections with others. As with any new habit, it takes hard work, and time, and consistency to achieve results. But it's worth the effort, as your success depends upon it.

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind." ~ Henry James

The perfect gift

In many countries, 'tis the season for finding the perfect gift for your friends and loved ones.  It truly can be a special time of thoughtfulness and giving.

But just to mix things up, I'd like to challenge you to give a unique gift this year... one that has a great kick-back incentive. It's not a store-bought gift or one you order online, but one that comes from your social intelligence -- the ability to be aware of those around you and manage your relationship with them. This gift is empathy.

Empathy is a competency of emotional intelligence and one which can be easier to offer to some than others. Empathy is not only sensing others' feelings and perspectives, but it is showing an active interest in their concerns.

For those we care about and love, showing empathy comes easy.  When a friend is in trouble, we hurt with them and want to do what we can to help out.  But have you tried showing empathy toward those who have disappointed you or let you down?  Easier said than done.

There is no magic formula to doing this. Offering the gift of empathy toward those who are not on your "Nice" list is difficult. We naturally tend to withhold kindness toward those who've been hurtful and even can find a sense of twisted satisfaction when we choose to not forgive their wrongdoing toward us. But we all know it's us who suffers most when we choose anger and resentment. And opting not to forgive someone, to not put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand the why behind their behavior, instead skipping down the path of resentment, damages our own well-being.  In an article published by John Hopkins Medicine, Dr. Karen Swartz, M.D. at John Hopkins Hospital says this: "Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and  immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions." 
(https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/healthy_aging/healthy_connections/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it)

Dr. Swartz goes on to say, in contrast, "Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health." Anger toward someone who's been hurtful is normal.  It's just not a place you want to hang out for long.

Who are you holding a grudge toward or harboring anger toward?  I'm guessing someone's name came quickly to mind. Try writing down that name on a piece of paper and, for a moment, attempt to lay aside their hurtful behavior. List out all the positive things about them you can come up with. (There's no need to write down the hurtful behavior -- no doubt you've replayed that in your mind countless times!) Your list of positives might be short. That's OK. But looking at their whole person instead of focusing only on the hurtful behavior can help shift your perspective, even if just a bit. Then write down what you know of their current situation -- what are they going through? Are they lonely? Are they depressed? Are they scared, worried, or trying hard to impress others? Are they financially burdened or seem full of themselves? Are they struggling with insecurity? Most of our poor behaviors occur when we're not in a good space.  Attempting to understand their situation and offer a little understanding can have tremendous power over the anger in your heart.

"As human beings, we all have reasons for our behavior. There may be people who have certain physiological issues that dictate why they make certain choices. On the whole, though, I think we're dictated by our structure, our past, our environment, our culture. So once you understand the patterns that shape a person, how can you not find sympathy?" -- Forest Whitaker

To begin to heal, you may need to have a conversation with this person to let the know the pain they've caused. You may need to journal about it, talk with a friend, work with a coach, or see a counselor to sort things out. Whichever action you need to take to put this behind you and move on, do it. Every minute you hang on to  resentment and anger is one more minute you are robbing yourself from living a full life.

You don't have to become best friends with the person.  In fact, in situations of severe hurt, it may be best to not have contact with them if possible. But whatever your ongoing relationship with them may be, there's no need to keep replaying their destructive behavior over and over in your mind.  Why relive something so pain-filled? It happened. Past tense. No need to keep bringing it into your present. Offering a little empathy -- not in any way justifying what they did -- by attempting to understand why they did it, can help you begin to move forward again.

Offering the gift of empathy doesn't make light of the pain, nor does it give license for the person to continue to inflict damage upon you.  Forgiving someone doesn't tell them what they did was OK. It tells them that you're not going to punish them (and yourself) any longer for something in the past. It can free you from the hurt and enable you to move forward again...with or without them.  In fact, offering someone empathy isn't really for them -- it's a gift of love to yourself.  Yes, your empathetic behavior may bring about a shift in that person's mindset--but that's not your concern. Your emotions and behaviors are the only ones you can truly manage. Think of empathy as a gift you give to others which comes with an incredible kickback incentive -- healing for your heart.

Empathy is probably the most perfect gift you'll find this season. And I promise, it's a gift you'll never want to return. Why not give it a try?

4 Ways to Increase your Integrity

I tried to lie once.

It was winter in Colorado, when outdoor fun is a way of life as the snow envelopes the mountains. Funds were tight but I'd determined to take my three small children skiing. I'd collected ski gear at various thrift stores and concluded I could offer them this amazing experience on a frugal budget. Bundled up in their mix-and-match ski wear, they could hardly contain their excitement as we headed out of the city on our adventure.

I waited in line at the ticket window to purchase our lift tickets and noticed a sign that read "Children under the age of 5 ski free".  Free--that word caught my attention like the burst of icy wind that hit our faces at 9,000 feet elevation. My older two were well over that age -- but my youngest had just turned six years old a couple of weeks ago.  Immediately my brain went into scheming mode.  "I could tell them she's five.  She just turned six, so it won't matter. She's small for her age anyway...I could get away with this -- and save $55!"  So, when my turn came up, I asked for our three tickets and, patting my little one on the head, said "This one's free."  The attendant smugly looked at me and asked, "What's her birth date?"  I flushed and panicked.  Do I add a year or take away one to her actual birth year? Subtract, yes. I quickly blurted out an answer and he grinned smugly, and said, "Yeah...that would make her seven."

I was caught red-handed.  I paid the full price for her and walked away in embarrassment, not wanting to make eye contact with my three children looking at me with their innocent eyes wondering why mom had flat-out lied. How do you explain to kids that I was trying to get around the system? That I wanted to bend the rules for my benefit? That I wanted to pay less that others needed to pay by not telling the truth?  I avoided the situation and distracted them by heading to the ski lift lines.  Later that day, caught up in my guilt, I decided that lying about her age just wasn't worth it.
It's a silly story, I know, but one that made an impact on me.  It is so easy to be dishonest in the little things.  It's not a big deal, right?  Or is it?

Integrity is the ability to maintain high standards of honesty and ethics at all times, even when no one else is watching. Those who have high integrity do what is right, even if it's not personally rewarding.  They build trust in others through their reliability.  They are authentic.  They're not afraid to admit their mistakes and confront unethical actions of others. They can take the ethical stance despite its unpopularity. They keep their word, give accurate reports, and treat all people with the same level of respect.

Think of the people in your life -- how many of them can you say live in integrity in their personal lives? It's a tall order to fill and not many are able to pull it off. Far too often, their own self-interests take precedence over doing what is right...especially if they think no one is watching.
The workplace is susceptible to a lack of integrity as well.  How many coworkers have you heard make it sound like they did most of the work on a project when you know you did?  Or fudge just a bit on recording work hours? Or spend a little too much time on social media during work time? How does that make you feel when you are working hard?  And we all love those who brag to a coworker about their depth of connection with the boss, when we know it's just not true, right? Those who are dishonest in the little things can be annoying.  But are there greater consequences?

A study done in 2000 titled Human Communication Research (Kim B. Serota, Timothy R. Levine, Franklin J. Boster), showed that:

1-The average person tells 1.65 lies a day. Sounds low? It's possible some participants lied about the extent of their lies!
2-40.1% admitted to telling a lie in the past 24 hours
3-22.7% of the lies told were committed by one percent of participants
Do these figures surprise you? If you asked yourself how many times you stretch the truth in a day, and in the last 24 hours, how would you answer?

Those who are low in integrity tend to be impulsive, thinking only of the 'now' vs. long-term outcomes.  Most often they haven't taken the time to sort out what their belief systems are and what values they hold as important. Those with low integrity tend to show little independent thought and are easily influenced by others, often caving to peer pressure.

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office." --Dwight D. Eisenhower

If we continually act with our own interests in mind, especially if our choices are wrong, others will not be able to trust us.  And trust is key to effective leadership.  In an article by Michael Ray Hopkin in 2012, he says:  To succeed as a manager you must live with integrity. It’s crucial for managers to build trust with the teams they work with and depend on. Trust grows through meaningful interaction with your teams and consistent application of proven principles. Developing trust and leading with integrity will increase the confidence others have in your work. When engineers, salespeople, marketers and others have confidence in their product managers, they will do amazing work. (https://leadonpurposeblog.com/2012/01/21/leadership-and-integrity/)

But living without integrity can also harm ourselves. You know how it works.  You lie, then need to cover up the lie, then need to make sure you tell the story the same way if it ever resurfaces, all the time worrying if you will be found out.  The stress and angst that comes from covering up the truth can be agonizing, and keep you up at night, eroding self-confidence and assurance.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” --Cheryl Hughes

Those who aren't able to act with integrity need not be stereotyped as a "bad". Integrity is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a behavior which can be learned. Consider completing an integrity inventory, to see how you're doing (Contact us for a free inventory). If you would like to grow in integrity, consider engaging a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to help you  begin to make behavior shifts.   In the meantime, try  these developmental tips:

• Establish a clear picture of what your values are.  Know what you stand for -- what you believe, what you'd fight for, what will stand the test of time.  Jot down fifteen values that are most important to you and prioritize them. Post these somewhere where you'll see them often.
• Ask yourself this question: Is my behavior consistent with these values?  Going back to your list, circle the ones that you've lived out this week. Journal about the circumstances in which you acted according to your values- and notice the situations where you tend to shy away from your values.  Is there a pattern?
• Consider the consequences of living in dishonesty. What effects does your lack of integrity have on your mental well-being?  on your physical well-being?  on others?
• Envision what your life would look like if you incorporated more integrity. What specific circumstances would be affected and how?

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” --Barbara De Angelis

Telltale Signs Your Partner Lacks Emotional Intelligence

Valentine’s Day.

It’s just around the corner. If you’re in a love relationship that’s harmonizing quite nicely, it can be a most delightful of celebrations brimming with flowers, chocolates, kisses, and romance. But if your relationship is struggling–where you’re experiencing more misses than hits in your ability to connect–it’s a holiday that can definitely evoke more drama than dreams.

Obviously there are many factors that contribute to a struggling relationship, but one area to take a look at is your compatibility when it comes to emotional intelligence. That ability to recognize your own feelings, manage them, and tune in to your partner’s feelings, and respond appropriately, is a skill that many of us lack, yet this competence is a vital component of maintaining a healthy connection. How much emotional intelligence are you practicing with your partner? And better yet, how would he/she answer that question about you?

Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D., came up with these signals that can clue you in to whether or not you, or your partner, could use some help in navigating the emotional journey that relationships are made of. Read his entire article published in psychologytoday.com here:  12 Signs Your Partner Lacks Emotional Intelligence.

Though it won’t happen overnight (and possibly not in time for Valentine’s Day 2016), be encouraged that we are capable of learning and developing emotional intelligence. Taking a self-assessment and working with a coach are some simple steps to start you in the right direction. Even if you or your partner are struggling with this one, the simple willingness to grow and change together can begin moving your relationship down that tunnel of love again.

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” — Oscar Wilde