Diffusing family feuds over the holidays

If you dread holiday gatherings because you have to spend time with your family, you're not alone. I've talked with so many who say they wish they could just skip the holidays so they don't have to 'deal' with certain family members. And if you've ever had conflict with someone you're 'supposed' to get along with, you know how rough that can be. With certain members of your tribe, you probably can even predict exactly how long it will take before a disagreement will begin--10 minutes after walking in the door--as soon as you sit down to dinner--when Uncle George brings up politics--it seems to happen at the same time and around the same issues, year after year.

Unless you've opted to ditch the family altogether and hop a plane to a tropical island, it's most likely you'll be interacting with the clan a good deal over the next few days. But it doesn't have to be a place of arguing and bickering. I'd like to offer an alternate solution...something you can do to help to keep negative situations from escalating into an all out family feud. But before we go there -- I want to suggest three things you can't do:

• You can't control what others think of you.
• You can't control what others say about you.
• You can't control what others do.

In other words, you can't control others. No matter how much you may want to, you don't get to be a puppeteer and pull the strings to make everyone act in a way you would like. But what you can do is control your own thoughts and actions, especially your own communication skills. Choosing to be intentional about how you communicate with your family can have a direct influence on the nature of interactions at your upcoming holiday celebrations.

Communication is the ability to listen deeply to understand what others are saying, and in turn send clear and convincing messages back to them. It can take the form of verbal or non-verbal -- often people say as much with the expression on their face as with the words that come out of their mouth. And again, though you can't control how others communicate with you, you can manage how you communicate with them.

What does it look like to be a good communicator? Some seem to think if they talk loudly enough to command others' attention that they have this competency down pat. But I beg to differ. People who have strong communication skills often aren't the ones doing most of the talking. They are able to put others at ease so they feel comfortable sharing openly. They are effective in give-and-take, knowing when to talk and when to let others speak. They listen to understand, as opposed to listening to prep what they want to say next. They are able to hear feedback without becoming defensive, can deal with difficult conversations straightforwardly without the need to retaliate or run away, and make others feel valued for their opinions and outlooks, even if they differ from their own.

Those who struggle with communication--and a few particular family members may immediately come to mind--can be difficult to connect with and come across as unapproachable. They may interrupt, or talk too much, or fail to listen when you speak--and isn't it so easy to tell when someone's not listening? They lack tact when expressing their opinions and tend to think it's their way or the highway. They often don't ask open-ended questions or seek to understand the why's behind what someone is saying. They rarely make good eye contact and often won't pause to let others respond or jump in. They may even ridicule others or have emotional outbursts when things get heated.

Sound familiar?

Again, you can't control those who are poor communicators. And that should come as a relief. Knowing there's not a thing you can do to keep Aunt Ethel from sharing too much information about her bowel troubles, or to prevent Cousin Mike from bragging about his recent promotion, or to prevent dad from hurling insults about your career aspirations (or lack of) is very freeing. It's hard enough to control yourself, let alone attempting to herd everyone around you. Who has time and energy for that? What you CAN do is manage and modify your own behavior to make interactions with family members as pleasant as possible.

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." Lucius Annaeus Seneca

It takes effort to be intentional about your conversations, and preparing ahead of time can help. Thinking about behaviors which can enhance conversations as well as knowing which ones to avoid will enable you to walk through that door with confidence, no matter whom you're about to face. Then, in the moment, you get to choose to act appropriately despite what others say or do.

To keep conversations positive and prevent them from going downhill this holiday season, here are some behaviors you can try:

• Smile. Sounds simple, but mustering up a genuine smile when you first see the family can help diffuse negativity from the start. Your body language communicates attitude far before your mouth forms words. As well, a warm hug, when appropriate, can work wonders. Research has found that a 20-second hug actually releases oxytocin, one of the feel-good hormones, into our system, which can work miracles toward melting down tension and negativity. I realize that long of a hug may be a little awkward--and not appropriate with some--but you get the idea.

“Peace begins with a smile.” ― Mother Teresa

• Ask to understand. Think of conversations as a portal to learn more about the other person, rather than a chance to speak your peace. A good rule of thumb is to ask more than tell. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no", try asking the hows and whys. "How do you like your new job?" "Why did you choose [insert location] for your vacation?" "I'd love to know more about how you [insert topic]. " Asking open-ended questions can make the other person feel valued and help you see things from their frame of reference.

"Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective." --Sterling K. Brown

• Actively listen. Have you ever caught yourself asking a question then not even listening to the answer? We all do it. Tuning into what the other person is saying, asking questions to clarify, and repeating back what you heard shows you care. Nod when you agree. Mirror their expressions as you hold eye contact. Try to picture what they're describing (except maybe Aunt Ethel's bodily function details!). Good listening makes others feel valued and enables you to learn more about them.

“There's a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”― G. K. Chesterton

•  Discard distractions. Simply put, put your phone away. There's nothing more devaluing than someone glancing at their phone while you're talking...so don't do the same to others. Even better, turn it off for a few hours so you can really focus on the person in front of you.

"Cell phones bring you closer to the person far from you, but take you away from the ones sitting next to you." -- Anonymous

• Build bridges. Look for "me too" moments--common ground upon which you can both agree. Listening for shared experiences, shared dreams, and shared emotions, and letting them know you can relate, builds rapport and connection. Focusing on what you agree upon can diffuse tensions that arise from being at odds.

"No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across the table is a human being, so the goal is to always establish common ground. " --Madeleine Albright

• Resist rivalry. When someone says something that feels like an insult, it's easy to come back with a retort of your own. If possible, try not to take things personally, even if comments sound as if they're (or are!) directed to you. Usually when someone puts another down, it is coming from a dark and empty place within their own heart. Offering compassion and realizing they may in a struggle you don't understand can help you resist the temptation to view them as an opponent.

"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you." -- Don Miguel Ruiz

• Express appreciation. Everyone likes to hear a compliment. Try to find something about the person or what they're saying that you like, even if most of what's coming out of their mouth is annoying you. Offer a sincere compliment--it is better-received than any festively-wrapped gift. It could be as simple as, "I like the way you think about that" or "I value the direction you're going", or "That was a thoughtful thing to do", etc. A great sentence starter is, "Do you know what I like about you?"

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." -- ancient proverb

• Find the fun. It's hard to keep your sense of humor when others are stomping on your last nerve. But retaining your ability to 'laugh at the craziness' can go a long way in keeping things positive. Of course your humor should never be demeaning or hurtful, but stepping back and grinning at the 'uniqueness' of each family member can help keep spirits bright.

"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done." -- Dwight David Eisenhower

Intentionally steering your conversations down a positive path this holiday can be a great start toward building better family bonds. It won't be perfect...bad habits can take a while to break. But doing your part to create uplifting, engaging conversations is vital to developing authentic, amicable interactions with the family and can help avoid feuds. And you'll feel better knowing you showed up with your best. Will it be easy? No. But will it be worth it? Yes.

"Getting along well with other people is still the world's most needed skill. With it...there is no limit to what person can do. We need people, we need the cooperation of others." -- Earl Nightingale

Does it matter if others like you?

How often have you heard someone say, “I don’t care if they like me, as long as they respect me”?

With friends and family, we seem to understand the importance of caring, compassion and connection. We grasp that exhibiting interpersonal skills can go a long way toward building effective, lasting personal relationships. But what about at work? Why is it that some, in the professional realm, think that the components of successful work relationships are somehow different, often replacing rapport, empathy and authenticity with stiff, formal mannerisms we label as professionalism?

Interpersonal effectiveness is a competency of emotional intelligence and is vital to connecting with others. It means being attuned to others, showing sensitivity and understanding in their interests, putting them at ease, and being able to relate well to all sorts of personality types. Those with strong interpersonal effectiveness are empathetic and seek to understand others. This competency involves using diplomacy and tact — in other words, learning people skills and putting them to use.

Those who are good at getting along well with others have an understanding about how the social world works. They know what is expected in social situations and pick up quickly on social cues. They know how to take a genuine interest in other people, what they do, and why they do it. They are curious about how others think and have developed excellent listening skills.

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” — Theodore Roosevelt

You can tell you’re good at this if you stop and listen to yourself in conversations. Do you ask more open-ended questions than closed ones, and let others do most of the talking? If so, you’re probably demonstrating strong interpersonal effectiveness. You most likely are good at building new relationships and mending broken ones. You respect differences in others (religious, gender, political, socioeconomic, communication styles, etc.) and know how to mirror others to build rapport. People strong in this competency have a contagious, positive, enthusiastic outlook and others want to be around them.

Do you know anyone like this in your workplace? If yes, do you like being around them and working on projects with them? If you could name one quality you appreciate most about them, what would it be?

On the other hand, some have difficulty connecting to others. These are the type we describe as being a little ‘rough around the edges.” They may come across arrogant, insensitive, unapproachable, or cold. In meetings, they may demean others’ ideas and be quick to jump in with their own opinions and solutions before hearing others out. They may keep to themselves and not take the time to build rapport, because they’re either too busy or don’t see the need.

Can you think of anyone like this in your workplace? If yes, do you like being around the and working on projects with them?

“I will pay more for the ability to deal with others than for any other ability under the sun.” — John D. Rockefeller

But does it matter if our colleagues like us? It does. According to Gallup’s State of the American Workplace report, vibrant social connections at work help you be more productive, and can even ramp up the passion you have toward your work — causing you to be less likely to quit. In another study, by Officevibe, researchers found that 70% of the participants said having friends at work is the most crucial element to a happy working life, and 58% of men said they would refuse a higher-paying job if it meant not getting along with coworkers. (https://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/workplace-friendships).

Relationships are relationships, whether personal or professional. And all relationships require nurture and effort in order for them to be successful. Whether you are a good team player or not, you’re not going to get far trying to go it alone.

“Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it.” — Anais Nin

Interpersonal skills are something we can all develop, if we devote some time and energy into learning a new way of interacting. Here are a few ideas to get started:

• Self-awareness is always a good starting point. Consider completing a 360 assessment that measures your social and emotional intelligence skills to serve as a launchpad to your growth.
• Notice how others respond to you when you walk in the room or open your mouth to speak. In order to do this, you’ll need to make eye contact. Do others seem nervous, speaking quickly or stumbling over their words? Are they too quick to agree with you (out of fear of upsetting you) or rarely speak their mind? Watch for verbal and non-verbal signals. This practice of noticing will help you begin to focus on others in each moment.
• Seek to understand. When you speak, is it all about communicating your own ideas, or are you open to hearing what others have to say? Asking open-ended questions which draw others out will help you understand the why behind their behaviors and actions.
• Get rid of distractions. Put down your phone when you talk with others and stop multi-tasking when others speak. Show them that you can make time to listen to them and that what they have to say is important.
• Share about you. You don’t have to tell every person your entire life story or the play-by-play of your current drama, but let your teams and colleagues know the why behind your decisions, or the methodology of how you got there. Splash conversations with bits of your personal life and ask about theirs. As you model authenticity, you’ll encourage others to feel safe in opening up to you.
• Be open to learning. It’s OK to admit your interpersonal skills may be lacking. If needed, take a class, read a book, or talk to a coach about how to grow in this area. Think of someone who is good at getting along with others and seek advice from them.
• Start today. Even if your interpersonal skills need work, you can still get started today by taking small steps. Simple things like smiling, expressing gratitude, putting down your phone in conversations, and using appropriate humor are a few ideas you could try as you get started.
• Practice, practice, practice. Practice your new-found skills with everyone you meet, whether it’s your boss, a coworker, or the janitor who cleans your office. The more you try out your people skills, with all types of people, the more natural they will feel and become.

Remember, to begin to interact with others on deeper levels, you’re going to need to slow down. If you normally work through lunch, consider asking a colleague to join you once a week. If you work with your door closed, try leaving it open sometimes so others know they can pop in if needed. Take an extra five minutes each day to ask your coworkers and employees about their personal lives — their kids, their dogs, their last vacation, what are their holiday plans? People feel valued when you take the time to get to know them and it builds trust.

You may think you don’t care if others like you. And you may think all that matters is that you have others’ respect. Yet I find that often when people like you (and know you, and understand you), the respect comes naturally, as a next step, and they begin to value the real you. If you have any hopes of being a leader–a good one, that is–growing in interpersonal effectiveness is an invaluable skill set you simply must take the time to develop.

“I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.” — Mahatma Ghandi

Speaking the truth in love

A few years back I met a group of loved ones honoring a deceased friend at a celebration of life gathering. There were old faces I hadn't seen in years, and it was great to catch up, rehashing stories from college days, sharing about our kids, families, and travels. I found it delightful to engage in the rich, connecting conversations, and despite our sadness over the loss of our friend, joy abounded -- except with one.

She was not someone I ever knew well, but we shared many friendships and experiences. Within minutes of a conversation with her, she had turned off everyone unfortunate enough to be standing within earshot. Not only did she share a disapproving comment about our deceased friend's children, she found fault with the food (lovingly prepared and donated by some kindhearted women in the local church area), and went on to share with us all how her personal eating and exercise regime is what made her look as good as she did. Huh?! One by one, people made excuses to leave the conversation. I noticed she didn't look any of us in the eye as she spoke, and didn't pause to ask many questions. When one friend pointed out she was being a bit rude, she defended herself with, "I'm just being honest."

Justifying hurtful words

How many times has someone used these four words to explain away their hurtful, negative, and damaging behavior, as if somehow honesty makes it OK?

I am not talking about telling lies to appease people, or about being dishonest to win friends. Being honest, up front, and speaking the truth are vital components of building trust with others, and trust is the foundation of meaningful relationships. Those that make a habit of telling untruths, whether about important or seemingly trivial matters, ruin their dependability and trustworthiness. Speaking with honesty is a very good thing. But how we speak our truth matters.

"The only way to tell the truth is to speak with kindness. Only the words of a loving man can be heard." --Henry David Thoreau

You can't have one without the other

Honesty and kindness go hand-in-hand, and those who don't learn how to speak truth with kindness will most often go unheard. These are the people who come across as a little "rough around the edges", and have an approach when tends to chill conversations. They may appear to be arrogant and unapproachable, and are often impatient, distant, and insensitive. Without even trying, they're able to devalue others and are quick to jump to their own conclusions, eager to share their own opinions without consideration of the viewpoints of others. They often appear to be 'too busy' to slow down and really connect with others, and often struggle with a strong sense of self-righteousness.

Does this sound like someone you'd want to work for, or hire, or work alongside on a team? Those who haven't learned the art of building bonds are not the most enjoyable to be around, and often not someone we even want to connect with. The absence of people skills can leave them isolated and lacking in the friendship department. They may think others respect them where often it's just that others avoid them. Though they may pride themselves in "speaking the truth", this inability to connect with others can limit their success.

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart." -- Ancient proverb

What is kindness?

On the other hand, kindness can be translated as interpersonal effectiveness. It's a competency of emotional intelligence that can be developed, and is a strong determinant of the quality of our relationships. It's the ability to make others feel comfortable and put them at ease. People who are good at this are able to show compassion and empathy to build rapport...while they speak the truth.

How do they do this?

For one thing, they have a good understanding of how the social world works by tuning in to those around them. They've taken the time to understand and in turn, respect, differing cultural, religious, political, and socioeconomic belief system, even if it is not how they personally believe. They have learned to listen intently, reading body language as much as the verbal words they're hearing, reflecting back for understanding, and use their words to build others up rather than tear down. They take a genuine interest in others and strive to understand who the other person is and why they do the things they do. They exercise solid conflict management skills and are able to diffuse high-tension situations with ease by being supportive and encouraging when they encounter strife. They're not afraid to be vulnerable and share about themselves, because they're being intentional about living a life that is above-board and honorable.

Developing good people skills

If you find that more often than not your truth lacks kindness, take heart. We're talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed. Here are 7 tips to improve your interpersonal skills so that your truth spoken can be heard.

• Just put on a happy face. Seems simple, but recent studies show that those who express a genuine smile are able to connect better with others. Researcher Kostandin Kushlev says, "“Smiling is a really powerful social lubricant. When somebody smiles at you, that indicates approachability,”((https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563218304643) ) The positive energy a pleasant demeanor creates, not only in yourself, but others, can do a lot in building rapport.
• Make eye contact and speak their name. Have you ever left a conversation realizing you never even looked the other person in the eyes? Or have you asked someone their name only to forget it immediately? This is a fairly simple place to start, but looking at others in the eyes and using their name goes a long way in building rapport. Dale Carnegie said, “There is nothing more pleasant to a man than the sound of his own name.” No good at names? Stop making excuses and get good at it, because it is important. Using name associations and/or jotting down someone's name when you meet them can help.
• Say thanks. Robert Emmons, one of the leading scientific experts on gratitude, found that expressing gratitude does several things to improve social relations. It enables us to become more helpful and generous and leads us to forgive others of wrongs. Gratitude can even help us feel less lonely and isolated by prompting us to be more outgoing. (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good)
• Show you care. Learning to tune into the whys behind what others think can help you understand what drives their actions. Become other-oriented. How? Ask them questions about the details of their day-to-day lives -- inquire about their commute, their kids, and what they did over the weekend. Learn their dog's name. Discover their hopes and dreams. People love to be asked about themselves (and talk about themselves!) so ask open-ended questions to draw them out. And in doing so, resist the temptation to turn the conversation back to you. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” -- Steven R. Covey
• Be amiable and affable. People respond to a pleasant, friendly demeanor much better than when they feel criticized or judged. Even if you don't like what they're saying, or agree with them, there's no need to be demeaning or rude.
• Learn to fight fairly. No one enjoys conflict, but sweeping it under the rug or becoming combative and/or defensive doesn't do much to fix the situation. Attempt to listen to the other side of the story and let your goal be a win-win solution vs. getting your own way. There is an old proverb that encourages us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. If there's someone you are at odds with, do your best to resolve the conflict sooner than later. Ignoring the issues at hand only encourages us to stew, ruminate, and plant a seed of bitterness.
• Lend a helping hand. Developing a servant-leader mindset can go a long way in developing strong relationships. If there's someone you're not getting along with, try laying your own hurt feelings aside and think of something kind you could do for them. Maybe it's offering an encouraging word, or a sincere compliment, taking them out for coffee, or extending your help on a project. As Arthur Ciaramicoli says in his book, The Stress Solution, “Doing good induces others to reciprocate.”

We all want to be heard, and learning to speak our truth with kindness can go a long way in enhancing our connections with others. As with any new habit, it takes hard work, and time, and consistency to achieve results. But it's worth the effort, as your success depends upon it.

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind." ~ Henry James

Do you play well with others?

“This job would be easier if people weren’t involved.”

It’s one of my favorite tongue-in-cheek sayings.  While true, as most of our conflict comes from interactions with others (though we all do struggle with self-conflict from time to time), most of us wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for those around us — peers, colleagues, supervisors, employees, customers, clients are a vital part of any business. But working collaboratively with others can be difficult, frustrating, and downright annoying at times.

At some point in most relationships, conflict is going to happen whenever there is more than one person in the room. And our conflict management skills, which are a competency of strong emotional intelligence, are what can make the difference between frustrating, unresolved disagreements or enabling conversations where all parties can pursue the best possible solutions.

We all have a role when it comes to conflict, whether we are the vocal one who loses our temper or the quiet doormat that stays silent.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”  — Wayne Dyer

It’s no monkey business:  learning how to navigate conflict can increase our sense of well-being and job satisfaction and contributes greatly to the quality of relationships both at work and at home.

How well do you play with others?

Ask yourself the following questions and see how many you can answer yes to:

• I can see potential conflict before it arises and help de-escalate the situation.
• I can handle difficult people with tact.
• I can lay down my own expectations and be open to hearing the perspectives of others.
• I can manage tense situations with diplomacy.
• I can create a safe space for all parties to share their perspectives.
• I can help all parties involved understand the other perspectives in the room.
• I can hear diverse opinions and find a common ideal.
• I can orchestrate win-win solutions.

Five Conflict Styles and when to use them

We all have our own ‘style’ when it comes to conflict resolve, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grow and learn other approaches that may better serve us and the situation at hand. In 1974, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilman created the Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, which identifies five styles of conflict. There are situations that arise when some styles work better than others. Here is a quick guide:

1-Competitive/Controlling – A quick and decisive action is needed (vital in emergency situations), or the other party would take advantage of cooperation on your part.

2-Collaborating – The issues (and/or relationship) are too important to be compromised and the objective is to integrate differing viewpoints.

3-Avoiding – There are more important things to tackle, there is no chance of achieving your objectives, the parties need time to “cool down” or take time to gather more data.

4-Accommodating – You realize you are wrong, or understand that the issues at hand are more important to the other person and/or you need to build ‘credits’ with that person.

5-Compromising – It’s too risky to be too controlling, both parties are committed to mutually exclusive goals, you need a quick or temporary solution under time constraints.

Time for a Shift

How do you know when it’s time to shift your approach to conflict resolve? Simply put, when your approach is not working.  Losing friends left and right? Colleagues can’t stand you? Coworkers shut down and won’t share their perspective with you? Feel agitated and stressed when conflict is discussed? People walk all over you in meetings?  You are the only one talking in meetings? You get what you want but no one is alongside you to enjoy it?  If you find yourself in a confusing or disturbing conflict, try asking yourself these honest questions:

• How was my behavior received by others?
• How did I feel during the conflict?
• How much do I care about the outcome?
• What were my expectations of the situation and did they match up with reality?
• What judgments did I make about the others during the conflict and were they accurate?
• What did I want to see happen? What did they want to see happen?
• What is my investment into this situation? What is theirs?
• Am I acting in an old pattern of behavior that no longer serves me?
• What can I say/do going forward to optimize the outcome?

Which of the five conflict resolve styles is your primary ‘go-to’ when faced with conflict?  Does it serve you well in all situations or could you stand to develop a new approach? If you struggle in the area of conflict resolve, good news! Behaviors in conflict resolve are learned and can be changed. Finding a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to make behavior shifts can be a great place to start.

“When team members trust each other and know that everyone is capable of admitting when they’re wrong, then conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth or the best possible answer.” —  Patrick Lencioni

The family that runs together...

My parents started jogging in the 1970's, which meant all of us kids started jogging too. My mother made us homemade polyester running suits and we bought "track" shoes at Kmart. We would get home from school and my parents would drive us out about a mile where the roads weren't as busy and we would run, one, two, and three mile routes measured out between the phone poles with the car's odometer. We had no Garmins or hydration systems or high tech gear, we just went out and ran. We all tracked our mileage on lined paper in a spiral notebook, in pencil. Daddy paid us 25 cents per mile so on allowance day we kids would go out and run more so we could earn some spending money! This picture is from the only 5/10k that happened once a year in town.

My parents finally gave up running when they hit their 70's but still walk and stay fit, and I think all of my brothers and I except one have done a marathon and all still exercise, as do most of their kids. My daughters run for their college teams and my son is a CrossFit instructor. It really does become a way of life and I appreciate my parents instilling the value of exercise that continues on with each generation..

He's a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

It is a common assumption that the problem with the Grinch is that he was stingy. We've coined the phrase "he's being a grinch" to refer to someone who doesn't have the "holiday spirit":  withholding presents, not decorating the house, refusing to join in the holiday festivities. But there's an even deeper issue that resided in the small, shriveled up heart of the Grinch, one that many of us struggle with as well:  he didn't know how to build bonds.

Building bonds is a competency of emotional intelligence and is vital in the workplace. It's the ability to nurture and cultivate relationships in a way that surpasses the superficial and allows us to connect with others on a deep level. Those who build bonds make and maintain personal friendships among work associates, are able to appreciate the individual differences in perspective and background of their team members, and can rally the troops when needed. Those without it struggle with earning the respect of those around them because of a lack of trust.

Ask yourself these questions to discover whether you are grinch-link or not in the competency of building bonds:

• Do I easily sever relationships when the going gets rough?
• Do I have a limited number of teammates I can turn to when I need help?
• Do I believe that being liked at work is overrated?
• Do I feel that being friends with people I work with is not professional?
• Do I compete with more often than I collaborate with my peers?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider doing some work to begin to improve your ability to build bonds with others. Completing an emotional intelligence assessment and/or working with a coach can be helpful. But there are small steps you can begin taking, today even. Greet your coworkers with a "good morning" on your way to your office or cubicle. Keep your office door open when possible. Suggest meeting with coworkers informally (coffee, breakfast, lunch) on a regular basis, to learn more about them. Offer to help colleagues out when they seem overloaded. Be sure to focus on the people around you as much as the tasks at hand. Attend company parties. Remember co-worker's birthdays. Engage in community activities and/or sign up to attend professional conferences to connect with others in your industry.

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you".  -- Dale Carnegie

These are just a few steps you can take to begin to improve your ability to build bonds. If this has been a struggle for you, for a while, it may some time before your coworkers are asking you to carve the roast beast. But continued efforts in this area will bring about closer, more connected relationships in the long run.