Like Geese: November 2015

Thursday, November 19, 2015

5 Traits of a Realistic Optimist

If you admit to being over 40, you probably remember the movie Pollyanna, the story about a little girl who saw everything through rose-colored glasses. In recent years, the phrase "you're being Pollyannish" has been coined to describe someone who is naively positive about a situation--to their detriment. No one wants to be ignorant or unaware of what's really going on around them.

It's a gift--and a competency of emotional intelligence--to practice realistic optimism, which is a far cry from naivety. Realistic optimism is the ability to expect success rather than failure, see opportunities instead of threats, and expecting the future to bring positive change.

Here are 5 traits of a realistic optimist:

You view negative circumstances as surmountable
You perceive setbacks as a challenge rather than a sign of defeat
You operate from a mindset of taking action vs. inaction from fear of failure
You recognize that unpleasant events are temporary
You temper negative self-talk with a knowing that you will succeed

Having realistic optimism can great affect your productivity and ability to enjoy your daily work. If you struggle with this competency, try tuning into your self-talk about the adversities in your life. Take notes on the how you hear yourself describing your setbacks--and your responses to them. Dispute the negative beliefs and look for evidence of successes, avoiding phrases like "this always happens to me" or "I'll always fail at this". A great resource for developing realistic optimism is Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism.

In which camp do you fall? An optimist, in the words of the late Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, is "...a man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery." How's the scenery from your tree?

We Can Do Hard Things

The thing that you are struggling with today, that seems so overwhelming, will soon be the thing that you struggled with once, and overcame. You got this. You are strong, you are resilient, you are resourceful, and you can figure this out. Pretty soon this will be a story that you can share with others who are going thru a similar pain. And you will look back and think wow, I'm not in that place anymore.

This is the human struggle that we all share, the one thing we all have in common, that makes us not so different from each other as we may think. Sure our circumstances are different but we all know what it feels like to hurt, and at times not see a way out.

If you have made it through something, and are at that happy place, turn around and reach your hand out to someone who is still in the struggle. And if you're currently in the struggle, look up for the hand that is reaching out to you. Grab it. Grasp it. Get up and go forward.

Yes, this is hard. But we, together, can do hard things.

The Choice of Joy

Welcome to the office. It's Friday. And though weekend fun is impending, many of us still have a good 8 hours left to tackle the challenges that often accompany our work days.

How do you handle setbacks? Think back on the last time something at the office didn't exactly go your way. Did you become quiet? Or did you get angry? Did you yell at someone? Or just become frustrated, smart aleck, or ______? (fill in the blank). And possibly even more important, if we asked those who work with you about your reaction, how would they answer?

When people encounter me hiking a new woodsy trail, or exploring a clear mountain lake in Rocky Mountain National Park, or jumping off a cliff into the cold waters of Clear Creek, there's no doubt that they pick up on the infectious joy that I'm feeling. It's easy in that environment--the outdoors is my happy place. But what about at the office when faced with difficult people, budget challenges or our favorite, "uncooperative technology"? Chris Myers, in his excellent article on choosing joy (Finding Joy: The Case for Unrelenting Positivity) says this: "It is our choice to be happy and positive in the face of challenges. Positivity and joy are contagious and can quickly shape the very fabric of your reality."

Having the ability to choose realistic optimism in the face of challenges is a competency of social and emotional intelligence. The fact that we can choose our reaction gives us the power to carve out a day that is positive and productive no matter what difficult situations rear their ugly head.

It's your Friday. Make it a good one.

The Underdog Leader Wins?

Accurate self-awareness is a hard one to come by. We often either think more highly of ourselves than others do, or completely underrate our value, both of which can be inaccurate. And as leaders, it's way too easy to surround ourselves with teams who tell us what we want to hear, because that makes us feel good, and we surely don't want to be around people who don't make us feel good. And who's brave enough to take a 360 degree assessment, to really find out what those around us think of our leadership style and skills? Wouldn't it be simpler just to think what we want to think about ourselves and not worry about what others think? But how does that impact those we lead?

"Theoretically, both overrating yourself and underrating yourself are a kind of blindness. But as the data above shows, they bring extremely different results."

This quote is from yesterday's article by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, "We Like Leaders Who Underrate Themselves", published in the Harvard Business Review. In a study of the 360 degree assessments 69,000 managers that included 750,000 respondents, they discovered two surprising facts:

Leaders who underrate themselves have more engaged employees
The fewer skills leaders overrate themselves on the more effective their leadership is

Wait a minute. I was told as a leader you establish your presence when you walk into a room so people know who is in charge. Fake it 'til you make it. Never let your team see your weaknesses. Own it. Strut your stuff. Have the answers. But are the results showing otherwise?

If there is a direct correlation between accurate self-awareness and our ability to lead well, it may be worth it to take some steps toward seeing ourselves with a little more clarity. And this is hard to do on our own. Working with a coach who can help us with our emotional intelligence and opening ourselves up to a 360 degree assessment can provide the valuable insight needed to become the leader we aspire to be.

How Well Do You Stretch?

Stretch Armstrong was my favorite childhood toy. Swayed by the commercials that came on between Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island that touted his amazing agility to be extended to unfathomable lengths, I hoarded my allowance money for weeks until I had enough to deposit on the check-out counter at K-Mart and walk out with my arms happily wrapped around my coveted prize.

Kenner Toys couldn't have come up with a better name for him. Stretch could really stretch. And because of this unique ability that set him apart from Barbie, Ken. and GI Joe -- the likes of who could only bend to a certain point before breaking -- his value and worth soared and kept him from being "shelfed" for that season of my life, unlike his peers with limited agility.

Personal agility, the ability to anticipate the need for change before it is imposed, and to be able to react appropriately to it, often stretching beyond our comfort zone, is also a valuable skill in the workplace. In an ever-advancing corporate world, those of us who can't exercise plasticity -- the Barbies and Kens and GI Joes of the team -- may discover that we quickly lose our ability to lead and contribute effectively. Change is inevitable. Remaining inflexible, denying the need for change and being unwilling to explore the new opportunities that newness may bring can render us ineffective as a leader or team member.

It's normal to experience denial and resistance when there's movement down a new path, especially when you haven't been a part of the decision-making process initiating the transition. If you're not one who likes to be stretched -- but realize you may need to learn how -- maybe it's time to make some shifts in that direction. It won't be easy -- growth in emotional intelligence rarely is -- but the good news is at least you don't have to don a blue Speedo like Stretch to make it happen. Here are some small steps you can begin to take:

Acknowledge that denial and resistance are normal, but commit to being open-minded toward the possibilities of new beginnings.
Listen to the story you are telling yourself about the change. Is it fact or fiction? Be willing to separate out the two and replace the fictitious narratives with reality. Remember that often our perspective is a perspective, not the perspective.
Be willing to let go of long-held assumptions ("Well, I like the way we've always done it", she says, with arms crossed and feet firmly planted).
List out which aspects of the change are in your control -- and which are not. Focus on the things you can contribute to and let go of the things that are not in your sphere of influence.
Resist the temptation to blame any one person or persons for the impending change -- it may seem satisfying in the moment but will only contribute to your inflexible attitude.
Seek out a coach or mentor during the transition who can help you make the adjustments and learn to stretch.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin

What's In Your Jar?

A little over two years ago, on January 1, 2014, I was determined, despite circumstances, to somehow make the coming year one of the best. I bought a colorful jar at a local thrift shop and brought it home, cleaned it up, and placed it on a prominent shelf in our living room. Each day, if and when something positive happened that caught me by surprise, I took a moment to jot the event down on a scrap of paper and toss it in the jar, with hopes of filling it by the year end.

Some happenings I wrote down were notable blessings, others just small acts of kindness, or a glimpse of beauty. Someone bought me dinner. I found a hidden $20 in an old coat pocket. The sunrise was an orange-pink creamsicle. I was invited to meet Peyton Manning at a breakfast. My car started again after stalling out. I found the more I wrote down, the more I started noticing all of the remarkable things that were happening all around me all throughout the day. I wondered if other years had been like this, and I just hadn't noticed. June came and the jar was overflowing. I had to start another jar.

A study was done by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCoullough on the impact gratitude has on our well being. They put people into three groups -- one group with instructions to simply keep a daily journal, no specifications as to content. The second group was to only record negative experiences, and the third to make a list of things they were thankful for. The results? Those who daily expressed their gratitude experienced less stress and depression and had higher levels of enthusiasm, energy, and determination, concluding that those in the third group were more likely to make progress toward the achievement of personal goals and exhibit an optimistic view of life.

I'm not much for get-rich-quick schemes, but I do believe that incorporating gratitude into our daily lives is an easy and practical way to increasing a sense of abundance. Realistic optimism, a trait of emotional intelligence, results from seeing opportunities despite negative obstacles around us. It's that ability to see challenges as hurdles that can be leaped, being unfazed by defeat, and operating from a mindset of success rather than a fear of failure. It's not that the negative things no longer exist, or happen; it's that we no longer primarily focus on them and let them bog us down.

On December 31, 2014, at 9pm, I emptied my jars. Seeing the hundreds of notes spread out across my bed, and reading the little snippets of love, joy, and wonder that I experienced the year before, many of which I'd forgotten, made my heart sing. I felt like the richest girl in on earth! This practice of expressing gratitude in writing changed my heart from the inside out and completely refreshed my perspective.

If you're struggling to find the good in your day-to-day life, don't wait until the start of the new year to develop the mindset of gratitude. November is as good of month as any to start. It may be a stretch at first to even find one positive thing in your day worthy of writing down, but try it. Search for them, if needed, as you'd scour the house for a valuable possession you misplaced. Keep your eyes, ears, and hearts attuned to even the tiniest of blessings, no matter how silly they may seem.

Then let me know how your jar's looking by June.

“To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.” -- Robert Emmons

Installing an Emotional Dimmer Switch

My daughter and I installed a dimmer switch this past weekend. The pendant lamp that hangs over our dining table when on, casts a light too bright for a pleasant dining ambiance, but when off, feels like we are eating in a cave. And we don't like eating in caves. For non-mechanically-minded individuals, after tracking down the proper tools then successfully wielding the assortment of screwdrivers, wire strippers and socket wrenches (the latter of which we didn't use of course, but grabbed from our scantily-equipped toolbox 'just in case'), testing the switch and discovering we were successful made us feel like rock stars. But that's not the point.

We've all probably been told at one time or another that there is a place to be emotional, and, a place to not, as if we should have an on/off switch with the innate ability to flip it to one setting or the other on demand. However, if our emotions are turned off, we eliminate a valuable source of insight and information into ourselves, others, and the situations around us, similar to attempting to eat in a dark cave. In contrast, our emotions need a dimmer switch.

There is never a moment when we shouldn't listen to our emotions, and tune into what they are attempting to communicate, but there definitely is a need to know when to shine them brightly and when to dim their brilliance, depending on what type of lighting will best illuminate the situation. Behavioral self-control is anemotional intelligence competency that helps us keep disruptive emotions and impulses in check. People who possess this valuable skill are able to think clearly and stay focused when under pressure, restrain negative responses that will cause the situation to deteriorate, and manage impulsive feelings even in trying moments. In effect, they can dim their emotional responses to fit the situation at hand. Without this competency, we tend to react impulsively, are quick to anger, can be defensive, and may become agitated, depressed or sullen when faced with stress on the job. This behavior can quickly turn a well-lit office into a dark, cave-like place of oppression and conflict. And who likes to work in a cave?

"You can’t always control the wind, but you can control your sails." -Dr. Bob Chope

How is your emotional lighting? If you're finding that your feelings are getting you in trouble more often than clearly illuminating your path, it may be time to get out your toolbox. Self-awareness is a good first step. Make a list of situations that cause you to "lose it" and write out a plan for an alternative action next time it arises. In the moment, ask yourself, is my reaction going to be constructive or destructive? Talk to a coach or seek out others who are able to regulate their emotions and model a better way, helping you make behavior shifts when needed. Once installed, and put to use, your new dimmer switch can give you the behavioral controls necessary to begin creating the ambiance you desire.

Serendipity

Just met me on the train...a 30 year ago me. I've seen this young blonde girl get off the train at my stop bundled up in hiking shoes hat and coat and trek across the snowy paths each morning for months. A few weeks ago I saw her in the bathroom at work where we both get ourselves together for the work day after our morning hike. I had no idea she works in my building! Then saw her in the gym a few days later where she exercises every day like I do...finally today came out of the building at the same time and waited at the light together. So I finally met Mary and we walked to the train together. I have posted before about my little magical stretch of woods I walk through each day, my Narnia. She asked me today if I cut through Narnia to get to the train. smile emoticon it's her little magical stretch of woods too. So that's whose footprints I've been following...and she's been following mine. We talked about our very similar jobs, and our exact same dream job, and the same heart on where we're at and where we want to be. We are soul sisters from another mother and were delighted to finally chat today and connect on so many different levels. These kind of interactions are nothing but serendipity, from God, and meant to be, & I love them.