Speaking the truth in love

A few years back I met a group of loved ones honoring a deceased friend at a celebration of life gathering. There were old faces I hadn't seen in years, and it was great to catch up, rehashing stories from college days, sharing about our kids, families, and travels. I found it delightful to engage in the rich, connecting conversations, and despite our sadness over the loss of our friend, joy abounded -- except with one.

She was not someone I ever knew well, but we shared many friendships and experiences. Within minutes of a conversation with her, she had turned off everyone unfortunate enough to be standing within earshot. Not only did she share a disapproving comment about our deceased friend's children, she found fault with the food (lovingly prepared and donated by some kindhearted women in the local church area), and went on to share with us all how her personal eating and exercise regime is what made her look as good as she did. Huh?! One by one, people made excuses to leave the conversation. I noticed she didn't look any of us in the eye as she spoke, and didn't pause to ask many questions. When one friend pointed out she was being a bit rude, she defended herself with, "I'm just being honest."

Justifying hurtful words

How many times has someone used these four words to explain away their hurtful, negative, and damaging behavior, as if somehow honesty makes it OK?

I am not talking about telling lies to appease people, or about being dishonest to win friends. Being honest, up front, and speaking the truth are vital components of building trust with others, and trust is the foundation of meaningful relationships. Those that make a habit of telling untruths, whether about important or seemingly trivial matters, ruin their dependability and trustworthiness. Speaking with honesty is a very good thing. But how we speak our truth matters.

"The only way to tell the truth is to speak with kindness. Only the words of a loving man can be heard." --Henry David Thoreau

You can't have one without the other

Honesty and kindness go hand-in-hand, and those who don't learn how to speak truth with kindness will most often go unheard. These are the people who come across as a little "rough around the edges", and have an approach when tends to chill conversations. They may appear to be arrogant and unapproachable, and are often impatient, distant, and insensitive. Without even trying, they're able to devalue others and are quick to jump to their own conclusions, eager to share their own opinions without consideration of the viewpoints of others. They often appear to be 'too busy' to slow down and really connect with others, and often struggle with a strong sense of self-righteousness.

Does this sound like someone you'd want to work for, or hire, or work alongside on a team? Those who haven't learned the art of building bonds are not the most enjoyable to be around, and often not someone we even want to connect with. The absence of people skills can leave them isolated and lacking in the friendship department. They may think others respect them where often it's just that others avoid them. Though they may pride themselves in "speaking the truth", this inability to connect with others can limit their success.

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart." -- Ancient proverb

What is kindness?

On the other hand, kindness can be translated as interpersonal effectiveness. It's a competency of emotional intelligence that can be developed, and is a strong determinant of the quality of our relationships. It's the ability to make others feel comfortable and put them at ease. People who are good at this are able to show compassion and empathy to build rapport...while they speak the truth.

How do they do this?

For one thing, they have a good understanding of how the social world works by tuning in to those around them. They've taken the time to understand and in turn, respect, differing cultural, religious, political, and socioeconomic belief system, even if it is not how they personally believe. They have learned to listen intently, reading body language as much as the verbal words they're hearing, reflecting back for understanding, and use their words to build others up rather than tear down. They take a genuine interest in others and strive to understand who the other person is and why they do the things they do. They exercise solid conflict management skills and are able to diffuse high-tension situations with ease by being supportive and encouraging when they encounter strife. They're not afraid to be vulnerable and share about themselves, because they're being intentional about living a life that is above-board and honorable.

Developing good people skills

If you find that more often than not your truth lacks kindness, take heart. We're talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed. Here are 7 tips to improve your interpersonal skills so that your truth spoken can be heard.

• Just put on a happy face. Seems simple, but recent studies show that those who express a genuine smile are able to connect better with others. Researcher Kostandin Kushlev says, "“Smiling is a really powerful social lubricant. When somebody smiles at you, that indicates approachability,”((https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563218304643) ) The positive energy a pleasant demeanor creates, not only in yourself, but others, can do a lot in building rapport.
• Make eye contact and speak their name. Have you ever left a conversation realizing you never even looked the other person in the eyes? Or have you asked someone their name only to forget it immediately? This is a fairly simple place to start, but looking at others in the eyes and using their name goes a long way in building rapport. Dale Carnegie said, “There is nothing more pleasant to a man than the sound of his own name.” No good at names? Stop making excuses and get good at it, because it is important. Using name associations and/or jotting down someone's name when you meet them can help.
• Say thanks. Robert Emmons, one of the leading scientific experts on gratitude, found that expressing gratitude does several things to improve social relations. It enables us to become more helpful and generous and leads us to forgive others of wrongs. Gratitude can even help us feel less lonely and isolated by prompting us to be more outgoing. (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good)
• Show you care. Learning to tune into the whys behind what others think can help you understand what drives their actions. Become other-oriented. How? Ask them questions about the details of their day-to-day lives -- inquire about their commute, their kids, and what they did over the weekend. Learn their dog's name. Discover their hopes and dreams. People love to be asked about themselves (and talk about themselves!) so ask open-ended questions to draw them out. And in doing so, resist the temptation to turn the conversation back to you. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” -- Steven R. Covey
• Be amiable and affable. People respond to a pleasant, friendly demeanor much better than when they feel criticized or judged. Even if you don't like what they're saying, or agree with them, there's no need to be demeaning or rude.
• Learn to fight fairly. No one enjoys conflict, but sweeping it under the rug or becoming combative and/or defensive doesn't do much to fix the situation. Attempt to listen to the other side of the story and let your goal be a win-win solution vs. getting your own way. There is an old proverb that encourages us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. If there's someone you are at odds with, do your best to resolve the conflict sooner than later. Ignoring the issues at hand only encourages us to stew, ruminate, and plant a seed of bitterness.
• Lend a helping hand. Developing a servant-leader mindset can go a long way in developing strong relationships. If there's someone you're not getting along with, try laying your own hurt feelings aside and think of something kind you could do for them. Maybe it's offering an encouraging word, or a sincere compliment, taking them out for coffee, or extending your help on a project. As Arthur Ciaramicoli says in his book, The Stress Solution, “Doing good induces others to reciprocate.”

We all want to be heard, and learning to speak our truth with kindness can go a long way in enhancing our connections with others. As with any new habit, it takes hard work, and time, and consistency to achieve results. But it's worth the effort, as your success depends upon it.

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind." ~ Henry James

When Conflicts Arise

Is there someone with whom you're harboring an unresolved conflict?

Pause for a moment and think about this someone. Maybe they've recently wronged you, or hurled hurtful words, or showed you disdain or disrespect. Possibly they simply don't agree with you and have been adamant about letting you know. OK--got this person in mind? Focus on his/her face, and the last expression you saw in their eyes. Does your heart begin to race? Do you feel your anger rising as you begin to ruminate about that last conversation you had with them? Do sarcastic, hurtful words come to mind which you would like to say to them if ever you got the nerve? If you were to describe this person to me, what adjectives would you use?

Now, stop thinking about them and get back to what you were doing. Easier said than done?

If you experience strong, negative emotions when thinking about an unresolved conflict with someone, whether friend or perceived foe, there may be more at stake than just the two of you's relationship. Though it's definitely easier to side step differences, sweep issues under the rug or just avoid the person altogether, running from conflict resolve may not be the healthiest choice. Barring unsafe people who you must protect yourself from, learning and practicing conflict resolution is a brave thing to do -- and can help you lead a healthier, happier life.

“Bravery is the choice to show up and listen to another person, be it a loved one or perceived foe, even when it is uncomfortable, painful, or the last thing you want to do.” ― Alaric Hutchinson

We all are pretty good at making a connection between eating healthy foods, sleeping well, and exercising and our physical and mental well being. But how many recognize the value of positive social connections and their impact on our health?

Those experiencing unresolved conflict often become frustrated because there seems to be no workable solution, which can result in stress, sleep issues, loss of appetite, or overeating. Headaches, stomach aches, shoulder and neck pain, and a general down-in-the-mouth demeanor can deem you unavailable and unapproachable to others, thus negatively affecting relationships, both at work and at home. And how about that ruminating piece? Ever find yourself talking and talking (and talking) about the unresolved issue with anyone who'll lend an ear? I daresay after a few sessions of this, friends, family, and coworkers may tire of having to hear about the same ole' issues making their rounds in your conversations, and one by one will become less and less available as your sounding board.

It matters whether or not we get along with others. Dr. Dana Avey is a Marriage & Family Therapist and explains how this works.  “Overall, having a social network of friends with whom one can spend time is noted to have significant mental health benefits, particularly as evidenced by experiencing an improved mood, both when in the company of others but also in the aftermath of the time spent socializing. It can become very easy to become isolated with one’s own thoughts and feelings and connecting with others can offer objective feedback and support.” A study done by Deborah Umberson and Jennifer Karas Montez showed that poor social relationships present serious ill-effects on our health. One of their findings showed that both the quantity and quality of social relationships affect our mental health, health behavior, physical health, and our risk of mortality. A striking sub-study by Berkman and Syme in 1997 revealed that the risk of death among men and women with the fewest social connections was more than twice as high as the risk for adults with the most relationships. They also found that solid social ties reduce mortality risk among adults -- even those with poor health. (research.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3150158/).

In an interesting study done by House, Landis, and Umberson, the researchers uncovered that a lack of social connection has a greater negative impact on our health than smoking, obesity, or high blood pressure! http://science.sciencemag.org/content/241/4865/540

On the contrary, healthy social connections can lead to a 50% chance of living longer, strengthen our immune systems, and help us recover more quickly from disease (https://emmaseppala.com/connect-thrive-infographic/).

As if this isn't enough evidence to encourage us to work out our conflicts and strengthen relationships, consider this: One of the negative, lasting effects of being in an unhealthy relationship is a steady erosion of your self-worth. Says Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW, staff writer for healthyplace.com, "It is not unusual to find individuals with serious personality disorders as a result of the insidious effect of unhealthy long-term associations."(https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/unhealthy-relationships/the-impact-of-being-in-an-unhealthy-relationship)

If you have unresolved conflict with someone, it's time to take action. Your physical and mental health is at stake. Even if the other party is not willing to make amends, the path toward healing can begin with you.

• "Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." -- William James

Here are a few ideas to try:

• Become self-aware of your own emotions and where they are stemming from. List out how you are feeling, using as much detail as possible, and attempt to determine if what you are feeling is a direct result of the conflict -- or are there other factors at hand? Understanding what you're feeling and why will lead to greater insight into why this conflict arose.
• If your emotions are running on high, consider stepping back for a moment to let yourself cool down. When we lash out in anger or a negative emotional state, it's very likely we'll say something we'll regret. Take a walk, journal, talk to a counselor--whatever it is you do to get your emotions in check -- before you attempt to reconcile.
• "Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. --Laurence J. Peter
• Tune in to what the other person may be feeling. Understanding where they are coming from and where their emotions are stemming from can help you develop empathy for their point of view. How to do this? Ask open-ended questions to discover the whys behind their words. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their viewpoint.
• Improve your listening skills. Stop thinking about how you will respond and really listen to what they are saying--and what they are not saying. Watch their body language and ask question for clarity when needed. When they finish, ask them if there's anything else they'd like to add before you pipe up.
• Withhold character judgments. When someone opposes you in a combative manner, it's easy to self-protect and convince yourself that they are a bad person. Try to focus on the issues at hand rather than trying to become a judge of their morality by focusing on the problem not the person.
• Speak without finger pointing. When it's time for you to speak up, take care to avoid blatant insults, nicely-hidden put-downs, or assigning blame. You are there to express your viewpoint, not make assumptions as to what they are feeling or thinking.
• Keep calm and cool. Agitated body language and words laced with negative emotion can put the other person on the defensive before you even get started. Slow down, lower your volume, and choose your words carefully. Check your facial expression. Even something as simple as softening your expression by raising your eyebrows and removing that frown can ease the tension.
• "A soft answer turns away wrath." -- Ancient proverb
• Try to find common ground. Though there is obvious disagreement, is there anything you agree upon? Finding issues you both connect and agree upon can form a bond and build trust. A "me too" attitude provides a sense that you're on the same team...partners in collaboration vs. opponents in battle.
• A little laughter goes a long way.  Unfortunately, our sense of humor is one of the first things to go into hiding when we're agitated. When you laugh with another, a positive bond is formed which provides a buffer against negativity (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/managing-conflicts-with-humor.htm ). However, avoid sarcastic humor at all costs.
• Remember, you can't control the other person. Despite your best efforts, the person you're clashing with may not respond in the way you hope. Your role is not to control their reactions, but to manage your own behavior in a way that lends a hand toward resolution. Sometimes, you may have to do the right thing and let go of the outcome.

It's not easy to solve conflicts, but making attempts toward peace and understanding is worth the effort. Who will you start with today?

"Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth-or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them." -- Kenneth Cloke

Is your communication obsolete?

"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it." --Robert Frost

Do you know your communication style?

The DISC assessment, based upon the theory of psychologist William Marston, and developed into a behavioral management tool by Walter Clarke, measures our style of relating to others, which directly effects how we communicate. Of the four styles, which do you lean toward as you communicate with others?

1-DOMINANCE.  These communicators provide direct answers and tend to be brief, and to the point. They ask "what" questions instead of "why" or "how" and stress logical benefits using factual information. They can tend to be blunt and demanding at times, and may seem to lack empathy or basic social skills. You won't find these folks spending too much time with chit chat.

2-INFLUENCE. Those who communicate with this interactive style are relaxed and sociable, and enjoy verbalizing their ideas, thoughts, and feelings. They enjoy social activities and will bore quickly if you dive into the details. Their communication is inclusive and motivational. They like the limelight, and will quickly shut down if others attempt to persuade or influence them.

3-STEADINESS. Those who communicate in this style are agreeable, cooperative, and value knowing their individual role within a team setting. They show appreciation with their words and focus on the "how" and "why". They tend to enjoy sincerity and a friendly, approachable manner of speaking. They may have difficulty prioritizing their ideas as they can be people-pleasers, but respond well to clearly defined goals and objectives, and thrive when assured follow-up and support.

4-COMPLIANCE. These communicators value accuracy and like to skip the socializing piece. They thrive on the specifics: precise expectations and uniform standards. They'll provide you with the straight-up pros and cons, support their ideas with accurate data, and communicate in a systematic and focused manner. They may resist vague or general information and you may find them double-checking everything you say or do.

Knowing yourself and your inclinations are a good first step in improving your communication. And understanding the communication style of others can help you better work as a team player and support them in becoming their best self as you learn to communicate in a way that enables their natural tendencies. But though each of these four styles can be effective, they also can become obsolete -- depending on your behaviors.

The question to ask is not which style do I utilize, but "How well does my style enable me to listen deeply and send clear, convincing messages to those I'm communicating with?"

Here are some indicators that your way of communicating may need some updating:

• You talk more than you listen in conversations with colleagues or loved ones
• You fail to hear what others say, even though you thought you were listening
• You catch yourself interrupting often
• You don't connect well with others and struggle to establish rapport
• You judge the 'why' behind what others say before finding out their true motivations
• You rarely ask for others' opinions or insights
• You fail to make eye contact or give non-verbal feedback when someone else is talking
• Threats and emotional outbursts are a mainstay of communicating for you
• You sometimes lack tact and diplomacy
• You can come across dogmatic when expressing your own ideas
• You refuse to let others change your opinion -- even if you realize they may be right
• You ask very few questions in conversations
• No matter your style of relating and communicating with others, these negative attributes are behaviors -- and behaviors can be changed.

"Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life." -- Brian Tracy

If you find you're at a place where your way of communicating needs some updating, try some of these on for size:

• Learn what an open-ended question is, and start using them in every conversation
• Become a good listener. Make eye contact, tune in to what is being said, and ask questions for clarification.
• Stop thinking about what you're going to say next so you can focus on the person who is talking
• Use positive body language like smiling, uncrossed arms, and nodding where appropriate to welcome others' ideas and input
• Hold back your judgments if you don't agree and seek to understand the why behind what they are saying
• Practice speaking your words with clear enunciation and well-thought-out ideas if needed to ensure accurate delivery
• Express gratitude and appreciation often; validate what the other person is saying
• Match your emotions to the situation and refrain from outbursts of negative expressions of feelings
• Be patient when others speak and give them the time they need to express their thoughts. Try not to finish their sentences or sum up their words before they are done speaking.
• Fill in the blank: What is one additional behavior you can try this week to improve your communication skills? ___________________________________________

Now get out there and practice, practice, practice!

"Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people." --Jim Rohn

Are you flexible?

"No matter what twists and turns your life offers you, your ability to be adaptable and flexible will help you to stay open to all of the hidden gifts that difficulty may offer. " --Mandy Ingber

The routine of habits

We are creatures of habit. Consider, for example, how you prepare your morning coffee each day. I'm guessing you go through the same exact steps, day by day, whether it's stopping by your favorite local coffee shop and ordering that same drink you love, or whether you make your own, carefully measuring coffee grounds into your coffeemaker and adding the same amount of sweetener and creamer to your steaming mug. Or, reflect on the route you take to work. Do you tend to turn down the same streets each day or change things up?

Oxford dictionary defines a habit as a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. Habits often imply a refusal to flex. On the contrary, flexibility, or personal agility, is our ability to anticipate and respond rapidly and willingly to changing conditions.

Does your day-to-day life consist more of habits or agility?

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligence, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin

Habits in and of themselves are not a negative thing. They are our way of getting necessary tasks done with a minimal need for brain engagement. You most likely could write down the steps you take from when you wake up to when you taste that first sip of piping hot coffee without much effort. And your route to work -- you could draw the map in your sleep. Getting dressed for work, brushing your teeth, filling the car with fuel when the tank is low -- all tasks that need to be done yet don't take a lot of effort to figure out how to do them. You've been doing these for years. Forming a habit around these seemingly mundane tasks allow you to accomplish with minimal thinking.

A study was done at Massachusetts Institute of Technology to determine how much of our behavior is fueled by habits. The researchers outfitted students with a box that monitored their activities throughout the day--sleeping, eating, walking, working, going to class, talking with friends, etc. They discovered that a whopping 90% of our daily activities follow predictable routines! And many of these routines are simply reactions to the world around us. John Bargh, psychologist at Yale University, says this: “...most of a person’s everyday life is determined not by their conscious intentions and deliberate choices, but by mental processes put into motion by the environment.”

Many habits can lead to a healthier, happier lifestyle. Take for example, your routine to eat healthy food, to exercise every day, or to spend quiet time in mediation or self-reflection. Habits such as these enable you to live the life you want, whether it be to achieve a level of health, find peace of mind, or relieve stress.

Habits get us into trouble, however, when a need for change arises and we refuse to respond. Some habits lead to poor physical health, such as overeating. Some lead to a lack of connection, such as spending too much time staring at your cell phone. At work, a refusal to flex can lead to frustration when the new manager arrives, or an inability to work well with others if you're tied to always doing things the way you want to.

Signs of personal agility

Not sure if you are flexible? Take this short quiz (adapted from the ISEI Coaching Toolkit developed by Dr. Laura Belsten) to find how you score in personal agility. Read each statement and determine how frequently you demonstrate the behavior, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1=Always, 2=Almost Always, 3=Occasionally, 4-Almost Never, 5=Never):

• I find it easy to operate out of my comfort zone.
• I am comfortable with change.
• It's okay when things are 'up in the air'.
• I readily embrace new ideas and concepts.
• I quickly make decisions and solve problems even when there's not enough information.
• I shift gears quickly when changes arise.
• I don't curse change nor do I let change put me in a bad mood.
• I like to learn new skills and new ways of doing things.
• I can take action without having the complete picture.
• I readily embrace shifting priorities.
• I am comfortable if I have to do things differently than they've always been done.
• Others view me as someone who is curious in new ways of doing things.
• I am comfortable working with people who are different from me in their thinking and problem-solving.
• I anticipate change and respond readily.
• I can juggle multiple demands with ease (and a smile).
• I am comfortable with risk and uncertainty.
• I tend to be an early adopter (of things like technology, new ideas, new procedures).
• I adjust quickly to the need for change even if the facts available to me are limited.
• I happily rearrange my schedule to make sure new priorities and deadlines are met.
• I am comfortable with chaos and complexity.

Total Score ________

If your score is:

1-20 = Your personal agility is high

21-40 = Your personal agility is moderately high

41-60 = Your personal agility is moderate

61-80 = Your personal agility has room for improvement

81-100 = your personal agility needs improvement

It's about comfort

Why are some resistant to change, and instead want to cling to habits and old ways, even if those ways are no longer serving them?

Habits are comfortable, like a favorite pair of socks or a warm, cozy blanket. Carol Kinsey Goman, an executive coach and author of the book This Isn't the Company I Joined: How to Lead in a Business Turned Upside Down, writes this in an article entitled, The Effects of Change on the Brain: "Change jerks us out of this comfort zone by stimulating the prefrontal cortex, an energy-intensive section of the brain responsible for insight and impulse control. But the prefrontal cortex is also directly linked to the most primitive part of the brain, the amygdala (the brain's fear circuitry, which in turn controls our "flight or fight" response). And when the prefrontal cortex is overwhelmed with complex and unfamiliar concepts, the amygdala connection gets kicked into high gear. All of us are then subject to the physical and psychological disorientation and pain that can manifest in anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, fatigue or anger." (http://www.sideroad.com/Leadership/change-effects-brain.html)

The thing is, change threatens to push us out of our comfort zone. And we love our comfort zones! But personal agility is increasingly becoming a vital self-management skill. Change is inevitable. It occurs within all areas of our lives -- our kids grow up and leave home, coworkers come and go, relationships shift, job descriptions mold into a new set of tasks, and our bodies -- need we mention our bodies and the aging process?! Instead of fighting the need to flex to ever-changing situations, it's more advantageous to learn how to get comfortable with ambiguity, be adaptable, and shift gears when needed.

Where to start? 

“Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped.” -- Charles Duhigg

Though change can be difficult, learning to flex and move in a new direction will help you navigate the ever-changing world around you. Here are a few ideas to try:

• Acknowledge and accept the normal human responses to change: denial, resistance, exploration, and new beginnings. Think of a change you are currently being asked to navigate. Which phase are you experiencing? Have you gotten stuck there? Simply recognizing where you are in the process can help you see the need to move forward.
• Recognize what is in your control, and what isn't. Focus on the tasks you can control. Note: Other people and their behaviors are NOT something you can control!
• Look for people who can support you during difficult transitions. Find someone who's been through something similar, or who has endured a tough time and made it to the other side.
• Let go of your preconceived ideas about 'the way things should be.' Be open to new perspectives and be willing to try out new ideas.
• Get your emotions in check. Sometimes we allow our emotions to flood and create more drama around the change than necessary. Take note of how you are feeling, and why, and spend some time processing those feelings by journaling or talking to a coach or counselor.
• "Try it, you'll like it." Sometimes the best way to navigate change is to give it a try. Take small steps in a new direction and try it on for size. Look for the positives, noting opportunities that may arise with the shift.

"Success today requires the agility and drive to constantly rethink, reinvigorate, react, and reinvent." -- Bill Gates

When the rain comes

This afternoon, at the garden, I kind of on purpose got caught in the rain, which turned into an all out downpour. I knew it was coming–I could hear its distant rumblings and smell its warning in the stirring breezes, but I kept on digging…until it hit. And it hit hard and fast. By the time I took refuge in the nearby gardening shed, with the shovels and rakes and wheelbarrows, swathed in the scent of freshly cut grass and newly-turned soil, I was drenched to the bone, hair dripping and clothes stuck to my wet body. I happily sat on an upturned bucket in the makeshift shelter and watched the torrent of rain soak our garden plots, splashing upwards in the newly formed puddles, transforming the dry, dusty soil into a wet, moisture-rich haven, mother’s milk for the tender, newborn plants struggling to survive their first weeks of life. Everything turned a brilliant green.

The lightning flashed, the thunder rolled, and I couldn’t help but wonder: if plants need a good drenching from time to time, wouldn’t it do us good, too? Maybe it’s my frame of thought after witnessing baptisms at church the other day, or maybe it was from watching all the people out near the street hurrying, shoulders hunched, hands over their heads, attempting but failing to flee from the rain. It’s our first instinct — Run! Cover up! Hide! It makes sense: rain ruins our clothes, smears our makeup, flattens our hair, and washes away all the outward appearance we work so hard to put on and wear all day.

When the lightning lessened, though it was still raining, I went back to my gardening, mud sticking to my Crocs and working its way in between my toes, dirt speckled the back of my legs, my hair a damp mop, until I got chilled and sought the comfort of my warm car. I glanced in the mirror and saw a bedraggled plain girl looking back at me, makeup long gone and hair in tangles, dirt smeared on her face… but eyes wild with wonder. I felt alive, giddy from the craziness of being out in the elements.

I think staying out in a rainstorm is like life itself — we can run and hide when the storm hits or stay out there and learn how to weather it, soak it in, and though we may get a little beat up in the process, come out on the other side more alive and resilient. It’s easier to cower, keeping our lives all neat and tidy and dry and safe, but then I think we miss out on the adventure riding on the edge of the wind and the rain, beckoning us to try something new, step out in faith, bear through tough times…and grow.

Putting a stop to poor behavior

Have you ever reacted poorly to a situation that you regretted later?

Yeah, me neither.

Of course I say that tongue-in-cheek. If we are human and breathe air, we all have reacted in a way that could've left something to be desired, probably more times than not. When our 'hot button' is pressed, it is easy to slip down a path of hurtful, destructive behavior.  In the moment, reacting out of frustration or anger 'seems' to be the right thing.  But later, you know the sick feeling that sets in. Whether it's when you're cut off in traffic, or being disrespected by your manager, or during an argument with a loved one, it's easy to allow someone else to trigger our bad behaviors.  But we are not helpless to our poor choices. Notice I used the word allow.  Others can't make us act poorly -- that's on us.  We get to decide how we allow ourselves to react in difficult situations.

I don't know how many people I've heard say, "This is just who I am" in response to being called out on poor behavior.  As if there's nothing that can be done because it's who they are, down to their DNA wiring. And that's usually where the excuses follow: "My dad was this way", or "that person made me mad",  or "she disrespected me", "I felt lonely", or "it's the only way I've known." Think of the excuses you've heard when you've called someone out on poor behavior.  Or think of the excuses you use when someone calls you out. But reacting poorly does not need to define who we are -- it defines what we do...actions, responses, behavior.  And the good new is, behavior can be changed.

Behavioral self-control is a competency of emotional intelligence and one that has a powerful impact on the quality of our relationships. Those who are strong in behavioral self-control are able to manage their impulsive feelings, even when distressed or in trying moments.  In times of pain or conflict, they can think clearly and remain 'cool under pressure.'  They are able to restrain negative reactions that can be hurtful to themselves and others, and make the choice to not escalate the problem when attacked or provoked.

Those that struggle in this area -- which is most of us -- tend to react impulsively and respond to struggles in a non-constructive way. They tend to get involved in inappropriate situations because they don't think they can resist temptations, and become angry, depressed or agitated when faced with stresses that trigger hurt feelings.

"He who blows his top loses all his thinking matter." -- Chinese proverb

If you're one to tends to act poorly when under stressful or hurtful situations, take heart. Again, this is not who you are but how you're acting.  Making an effort to  shift ways of thinking and behaving is something we are all capable of.  Self-awareness is a good first step. Do you recognize poor behaviors in your past?  Do you recognize any trends (are you doing the same sort of things when the same sort of negative events are encircling you)?

Once you're aware and decide that you'd like to make a shift, consider asking yourself these questions to move toward more healthy reactions:

• What are my triggers? Write down the incidents and feelings that cause a negative response.  These may be the same situations in which you act on impulse, and it is good to name these.  At this point, don't try to figure out why they are hot buttons--just write them down to get them out in front of you.

• What am I feeling?  In these trigger moments, what are you feeling and where in your body are you feeling it?  Does your heart race?  Do you get a headache?  Do you feel shame?  Do you feel angry toward someone not involved in the current situation? Do you feel sick to your stomach or do your hands start to shake? Do you feel depressed or discouraged?  Start noting what you're feeling in these moments of tension.

• What am I telling myself?  Positive self-talk is vital to making a shift from poor behaviors to more constructive ones.  Note what that little voice whispers to you in the moments of stress.  Some common negative self-conversations are: "This [insert poor choice] is what I get  because I'm a bad person", "I've worked hard so I deserve [insert poor choice]", or "I always mess this up, so what does it matter if I [insert poor behavior]?" Be honest on this one -- learning to hear your negative self-talk and stopping it when it happens can help you rewrite your behavioral story.

• How do I react? Write down any typical behaviors you've engaged in when you feel those feelings and hear that negative self-talk.  Do you drink too much? Do you lash out at someone else?  Do you hide and withdraw from relationships? Do you seek out unhealthy relationships just to feel connection? Do you go shopping? Be honest with yourself and note the route you usually choose when your triggers are set off. Again, being aware of these is a great place to start.

• How do these behaviors make me feel? In the moment, poor behaviors can give us a temporary 'lift' -- but the guilt and regret that sets in shortly after often take away that high and can lead to self-loathing and depression.  Make a 2-column chart and label the first "what I do" and in the second "how I feel".  It's helpful to see the correlation between behaviors and the resulting feelings.

• What damage have I caused? Take a moment to write out the cost of the hurtful behavior.  It may be "I blew my budget again", "I had a terrible hangover", "I've ruined my chance at a promotion", or "I've broken someone's trust".  Whatever it is, the best thing at this point is to own it by recognizing damage done.

• How could I respond differently? Again we're back to choice -- we get to choose how we respond.  For each of your triggers, write out an alternative response that could potentially bring about more positive results.  Knowing there are other choices to make can help when your button is pushed next time...and there will be a next time.  Coming up with new ways of responding is a way of preparing yourself for those future struggles.

Finding a trusted friend, counselor, or coach to help you stay accountable as you embark on this new path can be a great resource. Just speaking your intentions out loud to someone can help with awareness next time it happens. You don't have to do this alone.

Finally, learn to forgive yourself. You're going to mess up -- we all do -- and even though you had good intentions on reacting better, you'll still find yourself saying or doing something you wish you hadn't have from time to time. Apologize where needed, ask yourself the above questions again, spend some time talking to  friend, coach, or counselor, then get out there and try again. Author Steve Goodier says this:

“Bring it up, make amends, forgive yourself. It sounds simple, but don’t think for a second that it is easy. Getting free from the tyranny of past mistakes can be hard work, but definitely worth the effort. And the payoff is health, wholeness and inner peace. In other words, you get your life back.”

Some hurtful actions may have greater consequences than others, and you'll have to deal with those. Poor behaviors, especially those you do on a consistent basis, can destroy friendships and break down relationships. Some relationships will need to be put to rest because some behaviors are too painful for the other person to deal with or forgive. But don't let that keep you from getting up the next morning and trying again.

Remember that making shifts in a new direction isn't something that happens overnight, and it's not easy. It's hard work, exhausting at times, and you may hit places of doubting whether or not you can ever behave any differently.  Stay in the fight. Your progress may be slow, but well worth the effort.  Your sense of self-value, knowing that you have control over how you act, is empowering and will open you up to healthier, happier relationships.  You got this.

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world, as in being able to remake ourselves." -- Mahatma Gandhi

Are you a trust builder or a trust breaker?

Are you someone who builds trust or someone who tears it down?

The ability to build trust is a competency of high emotional intelligence. Being trustworthy means to be ethical when working with and relating to others. It means doing the right thing even when you know no one will find out. When you are a trust builder, others have confidence that your actions are consistent with your words and know that you have their best interest at heart -- not only your own. If you are a trust builder, you demonstrate respect for others' experiences, understand the hurt that deceitfulness can cause, and bring more value to relationships than pain.

Those who are strong in this competency tend to share information about themselves and don't keep secrets. They treat others consistently and with respect, and maintain high standards of personal integrity. They maintain a lifestyle that they don't have to hide from others. When you hear them talk about something, you know that their actions will match up with their words, and you can count on them to deliver on their promises and commitments.

Those who aren't so strong in this competency aren't able to build open, candid, trusting relationships. They've most likely developed a reputation for lacking integrity, and often make promises that they do not keep.They will do what serves them best even if it means undermining another person to get what they want. They lie about little things, and lie about big things. If you ask them what their values are, you may get the 'deer in the headlights' look, as they often have troubles defining their standards in the name of being 'open-minded' or 'non-judgmental'. They tend to blame others for their mistakes and withhold information to keep them out of 'trouble.'

“Earn trust, earn trust, earn trust. Then you can worry about the rest.” --Seth Godin

It's impossible to lead without being able to build trust.  When others begin to doubt you, they will think twice about following you and question whether or not you are worth teaming up with. They will mistrust your ideas and direction, and worry that you may be putting YOUR best interests before their own.

It's true that it takes a long time to build trust but only an instant to destroy it.  One self-centered lie or act of deceit can ruin how others view you for days and months to come.

Why are some trust breakers? For many, the practice of deceit stems from deep-rooted fears...fear of being accepted, fear of being known, fear of punishment, fear of self, fear of being held to expectations, fear of letting others down, fear of being disliked, fear of being an disappointment...the list goes on and on. The thing is, we all have fears. We all want to be liked and accepted and valuable in others' eyes.  But the difference between trust builders and trust breakers is that the trust builders face their fears by understanding that honesty and authenticity are what bring about those results, where trust breakers think dishonesty will get them there. But a life of deceit won't bring about deep, meaningful relationships that we all desire.

“It is true that integrity alone won’t make you a leader, but without integrity you will never be one.”  -- Zig Ziglar

Not sure if you're a trust builder or a trust breaker?

Look over these statements, and give yourself a score for each, using this scale: 1= Always, 2=Almost always 3=Occasionally 4=Almost never 5=Never

1. I share my thoughts, feelings and decision-making rationale.
2. I am able to establish trusting relationships.
3. I am open to others' ideas and willing to be influenced by others.
4. I treat people with respect.
5. I am able to influence others as a result of talking with them.
6. I have developed a reputation for integrity.
7. I treat all people fairly.
8. I say what I believe rather than what I think people want to hear.
9. I strive to behave consistently with my expressed beliefs and values.
10. I practice what I preach.
11. I focus on solving problems rather than blaming or hiding.
12. I admit my mistakes.
13. I deliver on promises and commitments.
14. I ask others for their opinions.
15. I listen to people's thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and am able to feel empathy.
16. I solicit feedback about my performance.
17. I acknowledge the contributions and worth of others.
18. When there is a problem, I work directly with those involved to resolve it.
19. I treat people consistently.
20. I follow through on the things I commit to do, even if it's not convenient for me.

Now, add up your scores and see where you land, below:

1-20 - Your ability to build trust is high
21-40 - Your ability to build trust is moderately high
41-60 - Your ability to build trust is moderate
61-80 - Your ability to build trust has room for improvement
81-100 -  Your ability to build trust needs serious improvement

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” --Stephen R. Covey

If your ability to build trust needs some work, take heart. We are talking about behavior--what you do, not who you are. Behaviors can be changed. If you would like to shift from being a trust breaker to a trust builder, here are some developmental tips to try:

• Team up with an emotional intelligence coach to help you set goals and hold you accountable as you begin this journey.
• Practice listening to others in a way that allows you to know what's on their minds and in their hearts.
• Always deliver on your commitments.  No excuses. If you are one who tends to promise then cancel --stop making the promises in the first place.
• Be emotionally available to those around you -- share the things in your heart without stretching the truth to make yourself look good.
• Never knowingly mislead or lie.  If you catch yourself doing it -- stop and admit the truth.  It's so very freeing and you'll find people respect you when you admit it in the moment.
• Articulate your values to those around you and ask them if your actions match up.
• Admit your mistakes without blame or shame.
• Get in the habit of putting others' needs in front of your own.
• Check to see if what you do in secret matches up to your public persona -- if not, in which arena are you not being true? Then ask yourself why.  Just being aware of the gap is a good start to changing behaviors.
• Forgive yourself of past mistakes.  If you've spent a lifetime lying, it's never too late to come clean and make a fresh start.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you're not sure if you should be honest or not -- keep this in mind:

“For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.” -- Bo Bennett

Putting aside your patterns of lying, deceiving and hiding, and stepping into the brave new world of integrity will open up the doors of opportunity for stronger, healthier relationships. Yes, it's going to take some work and effort. It may feel uncomfortable to begin to let others truly know you. You may face rejection and at times, disappoint people. But though it's can be a difficult process to shift behaviors, it's worth it. Becoming someone others can trust will help you develop the connection, both at work and in your personal life, that you need and desire.