To Err is Human

Steve Harvey. What comes to mind today when you hear his name?

We all know our mistakes can define us. At least for the moment, until someone else makes a bigger mistake that grabs the headlines. There's just not much room for error in this day and age, especially for those in the limelight.

The word mistake comes from an Old Norse word "mistak" which means to 'take in error'. And though we all trip up, on a daily basis, we have a hard time accepting it and more importantly, letting it go. I imagine that Mr. Harvey didn't sleep so well the other night. He probably woke up thinking about it. And probably will play the scene over and over in his head until the end of time.

The spin-offs of Alexander Pope's famous quote,"To err is human; to forgive, divine", are telling of our human condition:

"To err is human, to forgive, infrequent." -- Franklin Pierce Adams

"To err is human. To blame someone else is politics."  -- Hubert Humphrey

"To err is human; to blame it on a computer even more so." -- Robert Orben

"To err is human; to admit it, superhuman." -- Doug Larsen

Accurate self-assessment is an emotional intelligence competency that can be difficult for us mistake-making humans. An awareness of our strengths -- and limitations -- can often be thwarted by our desire to appear "right" in front of others. Instead of exercising an ability to identify and target areas of growth, we tend to run, blame and hide. It's easier that way, right?

I love that Mr. Harvey came back out on stage and owned his error. He didn't point a finger at anything or anyone else. He stated what he did, apologized, and made the correction. Sure, that won't help him feel any better about the blunder for the next hundred years or so, but it was a mature and emotionally healthy action to take.

How do you react when you err?

The good thing about emotional intelligence, specifically accurate self-assessment, is that it can be developed. If you have the tendency to run, blame, or hide (and don't feel alone if so -- most of us do), here are some tips that can lead you down a new path:

• Ask for feedback from those who work closely with you.  Really try hard to listen and not take a defensive stance so they feel safe to be honest with you.

• Take an assessment that will reveal both your strengths and areas of growth.

• Be realistic when setting goals for yourself.

• Work with a coach who can help you capitalize on your virtues and make progress on the areas that are limiting you.

• Be open to trying and learning new things.  

• Allow yourself to miss. Chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

Those of us who are perfectionists will especially struggle with this one, but it is worth the hard work to get to a place where we can realistically assess our abilities and weaknesses and leverage them to be our best selves. Accepting and moving on from our errors is a new skill set for many of us, so be patient. We're all a work in progress on this one, and practice makes perfect. Thankfully, each day being human gives us plenty opportunity to try out our new skills.

"To err is human, but it feels divine. "  -- Mae West

Adventure in the Everyday

Almost every day I ask God for an adventure, some unexpected turn of events that transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It rarely comes in the shape or form I expect. 

Today, my back went out while pulling on my boots at the office, a simple task that sometimes catches us middle-agers by surprise. If you've ever had your back go out, you know how the day went, catching my breath in a sharp intake each time I attempted to stand up or sit down or turn, etc. There's not much that makes you feel more like an old lady than deliberate attempts to maneuver the most basic of moves at tortoise speed. Anyway on the way home our bus broke down 2.5 miles from my apartment. Normally I wouldn't worry about the delay because I'm just heading home, but tonight my little one had a band concert that I just had to be at! If I stayed to wait for the next bus I'd miss her performance. So I did what any sane parent with back pain would do--got off the bus to run / walk the rest of the way. Javier my Spanish-speaking friend got off with me so I would be safe, since we had a long stretch along Alameda Ave in not the best neighborhood to travel on foot. Along with another rider who chose not to wait it out, the three of us ran (aka slipped and slid), bundled in our snow pants and snow coats and snow boots carrying our backpacks in the 18 degree temps up the hill on the icy snowy sidewalk all the way to Belmar, gasping and coughing and sweating and laughing and talking in Spanglish. Javier kept checking his watch to assure me we were going to make it. Thirty five minutes later over hill and dale we arrived at my car, and after mi amigo helped scrape the sheet of ice off the windshield, I drove and got to the concert on time with 5 minutes to spare! I was a sweaty mess and later got chilled but se la vie. And I didn't think I was going to exercise today because of me achin' back. We all decided it was our best bus ride home ever.

He's a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

It is a common assumption that the problem with the Grinch is that he was stingy. We've coined the phrase "he's being a grinch" to refer to someone who doesn't have the "holiday spirit":  withholding presents, not decorating the house, refusing to join in the holiday festivities. But there's an even deeper issue that resided in the small, shriveled up heart of the Grinch, one that many of us struggle with as well:  he didn't know how to build bonds.

Building bonds is a competency of emotional intelligence and is vital in the workplace. It's the ability to nurture and cultivate relationships in a way that surpasses the superficial and allows us to connect with others on a deep level. Those who build bonds make and maintain personal friendships among work associates, are able to appreciate the individual differences in perspective and background of their team members, and can rally the troops when needed. Those without it struggle with earning the respect of those around them because of a lack of trust.

Ask yourself these questions to discover whether you are grinch-link or not in the competency of building bonds:

• Do I easily sever relationships when the going gets rough?
• Do I have a limited number of teammates I can turn to when I need help?
• Do I believe that being liked at work is overrated?
• Do I feel that being friends with people I work with is not professional?
• Do I compete with more often than I collaborate with my peers?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider doing some work to begin to improve your ability to build bonds with others. Completing an emotional intelligence assessment and/or working with a coach can be helpful. But there are small steps you can begin taking, today even. Greet your coworkers with a "good morning" on your way to your office or cubicle. Keep your office door open when possible. Suggest meeting with coworkers informally (coffee, breakfast, lunch) on a regular basis, to learn more about them. Offer to help colleagues out when they seem overloaded. Be sure to focus on the people around you as much as the tasks at hand. Attend company parties. Remember co-worker's birthdays. Engage in community activities and/or sign up to attend professional conferences to connect with others in your industry.

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you".  -- Dale Carnegie

These are just a few steps you can take to begin to improve your ability to build bonds. If this has been a struggle for you, for a while, it may some time before your coworkers are asking you to carve the roast beast. But continued efforts in this area will bring about closer, more connected relationships in the long run.

3 Indicators of an Empathetic Team

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"In a society where the need for human connection is challenged by computerization and technological mediation, empathy is increasingly valued as a major aspect of emotional intelligence." -- Fabrizio de Palma

Empathy is the ability to sense others' feelings by taking an active interest in their concerns. It's being willing to slip on their shoes in order to fully experience an alternate perspective. Empathy is a key component of authentic relationships and proves valuable in the workplace in promoting employee engagement.  

A Gallup poll in September of 2015 reported that only 32% of U.S. employees are fully engaged in their jobs. "Engaged employees are involved in, enthusiastic about and committed to their work and workplace. Gallup categorizes workers as "engaged" based on their ratings of key workplace elements that predict organizational performance outcomes, such as productivity, profitability and customer engagement. Engaged employees drive the innovation, growth and revenue that their companies need." (http://www.gallup.com/poll/186212/employee-engagement-steady-september.aspx)

I don't know about you, but I find 68% to be a staggering percentage in terms of disengagement at the office. That translates into a lot of payroll dollars being spent unproductively. Take a moment to observe your own team. How engaged are your teammates in the work they do and what role does empathy play in this scenario?

Here are three indicators that you are a part of an empathetic team:

• You are surrounded by good listeners. People listen not just to interject their ideas or have the next great comeback, but to really understand each other and the motivators behind the spoken word.
• Judgments are withheld. Do those around you consider a different perspective, or tend to quickly criticize or dismiss ideas opposing their own?
• Underlying concerns are recognized before they are discussed. Can you tell when something is brewing before the water cooler conversation takes place? Empathetic people can sense emotional undercurrents of their coworkers before they erupt.

If your team could use some improvement in this area, take heart -- empathy can be developed. Assessments that measure emotional intelligence can be a good launch pad to evaluate current empathetic levels of your team. As well, working together with an emotional intelligence coach can prove valuable in taking steps down the road of empathy.

One Vital Quality of Effective, Authentic Leadership

If I asked you, in this moment, how you were feeling, could you tell me in a way that I fully understood what you were experiencing? 

Most of us can sense when we're not well. Emotions, like our physical bodies, whisper hints to let us know how we're doing. I can tell when I'm getting upset. I get fidgety and can literally feel my heart beating in my chest. And when I finally arrive at that shaky, angry stage, I get a violent attack of the lump-in-my-throat cry feeling, which doesn't always serve me well in the corporate world, to say the least.  Are you tuned in to the cues your emotions send your way? Watch for this the next time you feel yourself getting mad -- really mad. What subtle signals do your emotions emit prior to you reaching full-blown enraged? 

Being able to recognize and clearly define the emotions we are feeling in any given moment is the first step in learning to manage our emotions appropriately. The more specifically we label our feelings will assist us in properly navigating the next steps. I think I am mad but am I really feeling mad? Or would the feeling better be defined as anxious, distressed, attacked, or frustrated?

Emotional awareness -- the ability to recognize and define our emotions, and connect them to their source, holds great value as we navigate relationships in the workplace. Once we can begin to be aware of our own emotional state, and manage it well, we can start to recognize how those around us are feeling and lead with deeper understanding and empathy.

"Having a high level of established emotional intelligence is an essential aspect of effective, authentic leadership. This managing of one’s emotions will allow a leader to see the ebb and flow of not only their emotions, but that of others as well and be able to monitor their reactions to it."  -- Craig Sundberg, Ed.S.

 If you are interested in developing a greater sense of emotional self-awareness, consider keeping an emotional mood journal throughout the day. Make a list of the emotions you most commonly feel -- and remember to be specific. Take note of how often you experience this feeling, why you are feeling it, and the intensity of it.  Then ask yourself:

• What just happened that triggered this feeling?
• Is this emotion affecting my thoughts and behavior positively or negatively?
• Does this feeling empower or discourage me?
• How would I prefer to be feeling in the moment?
• What can I do to help me achieve the desired emotion? 

Working with a coach is always a good idea when attempting to make behavior changes that stick.  Sometimes just having an outside viewpoint can provide just the right encouragement needed to keep us moving in the right direction.

Read Craig's entire article posted on St. Mary's University online by clicking here:  Emotional Intelligence In Our Leaders

Leadership in Times of Chaos

We are all saddened and disturbed by yet another mass shooting within the borders of our beloved America. The violence is unfathomable and the seeming lack of emotional intelligence by the perpetrators is repelling. Our hearts, thoughts, and prayers go to the families of those who are suffering from the loss of their dearly beloved.  

As our minds attempt to process the chaos, we are often quick to blame those in leadership. I witness this phenomenon all the time--the Broncos lose, it's Peyton's fault. The bus breaks down--it's the driver's fault. Our kids fail a test--it's the teacher's fault. We have conflict in the office--it's the boss's fault. I clumsily trip and fall on the ice--it's the city's fault for not clearing the sidewalks. Finding someone to peg responsibility on somehow helps us make sense of why bad things happen.

Though leadership does play a vital role in determining the course of our nation, teams, schools, and offices--this knee-jerk reaction of tagging blame on others can keep us from developing our own conflict management skills. During times such as these, it's a good practice to look at our own personal lives and assess how we are managing our own emotions and how we are leading those in our own realm of control. Are we practicing integrity in the office? Are we reacting appropriately when things don't go our way? Are we working to resolve conflict in a healthy manner? Are we actively spending time coaching and mentoring others, building bonds and strengthening our interpersonal skills?

Let's take some time this week to do some self-assessment of our own leadership patterns affecting the peace of our current relationships, both at work and at home. Becoming aware is a good first step in appropriating change toward the better.  Start by asking yourself these questions:

• How am I handling the difficult people in my life?  Am I working to resolve the issues at hand or using avoidance tactics?
• Do I tend to help deflate disagreements or spur them on?
• What is one potential conflict on the horizon in my personal life?  What can I do to bring the issue into the open before it escalates?
• Do I truly understand the perspectives of those with whom I am at odds with? How can I discover what factors are motivating them to come together to a place of better understanding?

"Each and every human being on Earth
has both the responsibility and the privilege
of viewing themselves as Divine beings
with the power to bring about peace."
- James Twyman

5 Traits of a Realistic Optimist

If you admit to being over 40, you probably remember the movie Pollyanna, the story about a little girl who saw everything through rose-colored glasses.  In recent years, the phrase "you're being Pollyannish" has been coined to describe someone who is naively positive about a situation--to their detriment.  No one wants to be ignorant or unaware of what's really going on around them.

It's a gift--and a competency of emotional intelligence--to practice realistic optimism, which is a far cry from naivety.  Realistic optimism is the ability to expect success rather than failure, see opportunities instead of threats, and expecting the future to bring positive change.  

Here are 5 traits of a realistic optimist:

• You view negative circumstances as surmountable
• You perceive setbacks as a challenge rather than a sign of defeat
• You operate from a mindset of taking action vs. inaction from fear of failure
• You recognize that unpleasant events  are temporary
• You temper negative self-talk with a knowing that you will succeed

Having realistic optimism can great affect your productivity and ability to enjoy your daily work.  If you struggle with this competency, try tuning into your self-talk about the adversities in your life.  Take notes on the how you hear yourself describing your setbacks--and your responses to them.  Dispute the negative beliefs and look for evidence of successes, avoiding phrases like "this always happens to me" or "I'll always fail at this".   A great resource for developing realistic optimism is  Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism.

In which camp do you fall?  An optimist, in the words of the late Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, is "...a man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery."  How's the scenery from your tree?

We Can Do Hard Things

The thing that you are struggling with today, that seems so overwhelming, will soon be the thing that you struggled with once, and overcame. You got this. You are strong, you are resilient, you are resourceful, and you can figure this out. Pretty soon this will be a story that you can share with others who are going thru a similar pain. And you will look back and think wow, I'm not in that place anymore.

This is the human struggle that we all share, the one thing we all have in common, that makes us not so different from each other as we may think. Sure our circumstances are different but we all know what it feels like to hurt, and at times not see a way out.

If you have made it through something, and are at that happy place, turn around and reach your hand out to someone who is still in the struggle. And if you're currently in the struggle, look up for the hand that is reaching out to you. Grab it. Grasp it. Get up and go forward.

Yes, this is hard. But we, together, can do hard things.

The Choice of Joy

Welcome to the office. It's Friday. And though weekend fun is impending, many of us still have a good 8 hours left to tackle the challenges that often accompany our work days.

How do you handle setbacks?  Think back on the last time something at the office didn't exactly go your way. Did you become quiet?  Or did you get angry?  Did you yell at someone?  Or just become frustrated, smart aleck, or ______? (fill in the blank).  And  possibly even more important, if we asked those who work with you about your reaction, how would they answer?

When people encounter me hiking a new woodsy trail, or exploring a clear mountain lake in Rocky Mountain National Park, or jumping off a cliff into the cold waters of Clear Creek, there's no doubt that they pick up on the infectious joy that I'm feeling.  It's easy in that environment--the outdoors is my happy place. But what about at the office when faced with difficult people, budget challenges or our favorite, "uncooperative technology"? Chris Myers, in his excellent article on choosing joy (Finding Joy:  The Case for Unrelenting Positivity) says this: "It is our choice to be happy and positive in the face of challenges. Positivity and joy are contagious and can quickly shape the very fabric of your reality." 

Having the ability to choose realistic optimism in the face of challenges is a competency of social and emotional intelligence. The fact that we can choose our reaction gives us the power to carve out a day that is positive and productive no matter what difficult situations rear their ugly head.  

It's your Friday.  Make it a good one.

The Underdog Leader Wins?

Accurate self-awareness is a hard one to come by. We often either think more highly of ourselves than others do, or completely underrate our value, both of which can be inaccurate. And as leaders, it's way too easy to surround ourselves with teams who tell us what we want to hear, because that makes us feel good, and we surely don't want to be around people who don't make us feel good. And who's brave enough to take a 360 degree assessment, to really find out what those around us think of our leadership style and skills? Wouldn't it be simpler just to think what we want to think about ourselves and not worry about what others think? But how does that impact those we lead?

"Theoretically, both overrating yourself and underrating yourself are a kind of blindness. But as the data above shows, they bring extremely different results."

This quote is from yesterday's article by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, "We Like Leaders Who Underrate Themselves", published in the Harvard Business Review.  In a study of the 360 degree assessments 69,000 managers that included 750,000 respondents, they discovered two surprising facts:  

1. Leaders who underrate themselves have more engaged employees
2. The fewer skills leaders overrate themselves on the more effective their leadership is

Wait a minute. I was told as a leader you establish your presence when you walk into a room so people know who is in charge. Fake it 'til you make it. Never let your team see your weaknesses. Own it. Strut your stuff. Have the answers. But are the results showing otherwise?   

If there is a direct correlation between accurate self-awareness and our ability to lead well, it may be worth it to take some steps toward seeing ourselves with a little more clarity. And this is hard to do on our own. Working with a coach who can help us with our emotional intelligence and opening ourselves up to a 360 degree assessment can provide the valuable insight needed to become the leader we aspire to be.

How Well Do You Stretch?

Stretch Armstrong was my favorite childhood toy. Swayed by the commercials that came on between Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island that touted his amazing agility to be extended to unfathomable lengths, I hoarded my allowance money for weeks until I had enough to deposit on the check-out counter at K-Mart and walk out with my arms happily wrapped around my coveted prize. 

Kenner Toys couldn't have come up with a better name for him. Stretch could really stretch. And because of this unique ability that set him apart from Barbie, Ken. and GI Joe -- the likes of who could only bend to a certain point before breaking -- his value and worth soared and kept him from being "shelfed" for that season of my life, unlike his peers with limited agility.

Personal agility, the ability to anticipate the need for change before it is imposed, and to be able to react appropriately to it, often stretching beyond our comfort zone, is also a valuable skill in the workplace. In an ever-advancing corporate world, those of us who can't exercise plasticity -- the Barbies and Kens and GI Joes of the team -- may discover that we quickly lose our ability to lead and contribute effectively. Change is inevitable. Remaining inflexible, denying the need for change and being unwilling to explore the new opportunities that newness may bring can render us ineffective as a leader or team member.

It's normal to experience denial and resistance when there's movement down a new path, especially when you haven't been a part of the decision-making process initiating the transition. If you're not one who likes to be stretched -- but realize you may need to learn how -- maybe it's time to make some shifts in that direction. It won't be easy -- growth in emotional intelligence rarely is -- but the good news is at least you don't have to don a blue Speedo like Stretch to make it happen. Here are some small steps you can begin to take:

• Acknowledge that denial and resistance are normal, but commit to being open-minded toward the possibilities of new beginnings.
• Listen to the story you are telling yourself about the change. Is it fact or fiction? Be willing to separate out the two and replace the fictitious narratives with reality. Remember that often our perspective is a perspective, not the perspective.
• Be willing to let go of long-held assumptions ("Well, I like the way we've always done it", she says, with arms crossed and feet firmly planted).
• List out which aspects of the change are in your control -- and which are not. Focus on the things you can contribute to and let go of the things that are not in your sphere of influence.
• Resist the temptation to blame any one person or persons for the impending change -- it may seem satisfying in the moment but will only contribute to your inflexible attitude.
• Seek out a coach or mentor during the transition who can help you make the adjustments and learn to stretch.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change."                                                                   -- Charles Darwin