Thunderstorms

Thunder is rumbling in the distance iand the sky's light blues has shifted to dark, angry clouds. I just felt a raindrop. When we were kids, every time it would storm, my dad would get a blanket and head out to our covered front porch. We kids would follow, all huddled together on the metal glider to watch the show.  Sometimes the edge of the blanket would get wet if the wind was blowing the rain in on us, which would just make us snuggle closer to Daddy. He'd always tell us that someday he was going to screen in that porch. The lightning would flash and we'd count:  one-thousand-one, one-thousand-two, one-thousand-three waiting for the thunder to calculate how far away it was.  Does 5 seconds mean 5 miles or 5 seconds mean 1 mile? We could never remember.  Sometimes the tornado watch/severe thunderstorm alarms would go off in town and we could hear the from 2 miles away.  Mother would stand in the doorway, well inside, and say, "You guys, do you think it is safe on that metal swing?" and Daddy wouldn't answer and I remember feeling like we were wild and adventurous because we could sit out in it despite the imminent danger.  40 years later, I still feel drawn to the front porch during thunderstorms.  So here I sit, counting after the lightning flashes, hearing the raindrops patter, watching the hailstones bounce, listening to the rolling thunder, and breathing in the sweet fragrance called "storm".

Today I Snorkeled With A Naked Man

When I first was divorced, I took a solo Caribbean cruise. I had not traveled alone -- ever -- so it was a bit of a coming out for me. One of our stops was the lovely island of St. Maarten, a delightful tropical paradise half French and half Dutch, swathed in white sand beaches and swaying palms. Instead of booking a shore excursion through the cruise line, I got off the ship, hopped in a cab, and boldly said, "Take me to the closest beautiful beach!" Now I'd never been to a nude beach, and always told myself, in that brave place we all have in our mind that doesn't always measure up in real time, "If I ever found myself at a nude beach, and I didn't know anyone, I'd totally strip down."  I know for a lot of you this is no big deal but keep in mind I'd been married for all of my adult life in a very conservative marriage where nude beaches just weren't ever in the mix. I mean, my husband was a deacon in our church and gave sermons and led the choir before he chose to 'venture out' in our marriage, so you can imagine what a safe and secure little life I'd lived up to that point. So as I wandered out onto the beach where my taxi driver left me, I quickly noticed of course I was the only one clad in clothing. Oh dear.

Oddly, it wasn't long before I felt out of place wearing clothes, and trying to stay true to my inward promise of bravery, I slipped out of my beachwear, trying to act like it was no big deal because I'm cool and do this all the time. However, my arm got stuck in my swimsuit top and I had to writhe a bit to squirm my way out of the tangle of strings, breaking out in a cold sweat of embarrassment hoping none of the naked people noticed. I immediately went horizontal and lay there very still, in what I hoped was a very discreet manner, if one can be discreet while naked in public, on my towel, trying not to notice anyone or be noticed, very aware of my whitey-white tan lines where my suit had always been. Within minutes, my heart racing in my church-girl-turned-wild moment, I heard a low, groveled voice, way too near for comfort, saying, "Would you like to go snorkeling?" In a panic I looked up and there was an extremely aged man (I won't try to name a number but let's just leave it at 'very old', from the looks of 'things'--trust me, I tried not to look, but it's not as easy as you'd think), with a kind smile, holding two sets of snorkels with one set extended toward me. Everything in my conservative, prim self wanted to roll up in my towel and start digging in the sand toward China, but if you've ever gone through a divorce, you understand the need to step out of your comfort zone and try new things, just to regain your footing again and figure out who you really are.  So I accepted his gracious offer (one he most likely offers to every young girl with too much white skin in all the wrong places who shows up on that beach.) He took my hand, and led me toward the water, and after we donned our masks and snorkels, took my hand again and swam with me out to sea.  Though there was nothing about his nakedness that was the least bit attractive, I was a bit worried about his dangling gear looking appetizing to the schools of colorful fish we were surrounded by, but that wasn't my problem, right? 

Long story short, he was such a gentleman, and the experience was so very freeing. Swimming in those turquoise waters, barefoot and bare-skinned and bare-souled, was an exhilarating expression of daring inhibition. I wanted to send a postcard to my ex with a photo of the stunning Caribbean sea with nothing written on it but the simple statement, "Today I snorkeled with a naked man." and leave it at that.  I didn't.  But the afternoon left me feeling bold and brave and beautiful, and was a huge step forward in discovering my adventurous and wild-at-heart spirit that only new experiences can help one uncover.

Do you play well with others?

“This job would be easier if people weren’t involved.”

It’s one of my favorite tongue-in-cheek sayings.  While true, as most of our conflict comes from interactions with others (though we all do struggle with self-conflict from time to time), most of us wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for those around us — peers, colleagues, supervisors, employees, customers, clients are a vital part of any business. But working collaboratively with others can be difficult, frustrating, and downright annoying at times.

At some point in most relationships, conflict is going to happen whenever there is more than one person in the room. And our conflict management skills, which are a competency of strong emotional intelligence, are what can make the difference between frustrating, unresolved disagreements or enabling conversations where all parties can pursue the best possible solutions.

We all have a role when it comes to conflict, whether we are the vocal one who loses our temper or the quiet doormat that stays silent.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”  — Wayne Dyer

It’s no monkey business:  learning how to navigate conflict can increase our sense of well-being and job satisfaction and contributes greatly to the quality of relationships both at work and at home.

How well do you play with others?

Ask yourself the following questions and see how many you can answer yes to:

• I can see potential conflict before it arises and help de-escalate the situation.
• I can handle difficult people with tact.
• I can lay down my own expectations and be open to hearing the perspectives of others.
• I can manage tense situations with diplomacy.
• I can create a safe space for all parties to share their perspectives.
• I can help all parties involved understand the other perspectives in the room.
• I can hear diverse opinions and find a common ideal.
• I can orchestrate win-win solutions.

Five Conflict Styles and when to use them

We all have our own ‘style’ when it comes to conflict resolve, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grow and learn other approaches that may better serve us and the situation at hand. In 1974, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilman created the Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, which identifies five styles of conflict. There are situations that arise when some styles work better than others. Here is a quick guide:

1-Competitive/Controlling – A quick and decisive action is needed (vital in emergency situations), or the other party would take advantage of cooperation on your part.

2-Collaborating – The issues (and/or relationship) are too important to be compromised and the objective is to integrate differing viewpoints.

3-Avoiding – There are more important things to tackle, there is no chance of achieving your objectives, the parties need time to “cool down” or take time to gather more data.

4-Accommodating – You realize you are wrong, or understand that the issues at hand are more important to the other person and/or you need to build ‘credits’ with that person.

5-Compromising – It’s too risky to be too controlling, both parties are committed to mutually exclusive goals, you need a quick or temporary solution under time constraints.

Time for a Shift

How do you know when it’s time to shift your approach to conflict resolve? Simply put, when your approach is not working.  Losing friends left and right? Colleagues can’t stand you? Coworkers shut down and won’t share their perspective with you? Feel agitated and stressed when conflict is discussed? People walk all over you in meetings?  You are the only one talking in meetings? You get what you want but no one is alongside you to enjoy it?  If you find yourself in a confusing or disturbing conflict, try asking yourself these honest questions:

• How was my behavior received by others?
• How did I feel during the conflict?
• How much do I care about the outcome?
• What were my expectations of the situation and did they match up with reality?
• What judgments did I make about the others during the conflict and were they accurate?
• What did I want to see happen? What did they want to see happen?
• What is my investment into this situation? What is theirs?
• Am I acting in an old pattern of behavior that no longer serves me?
• What can I say/do going forward to optimize the outcome?

Which of the five conflict resolve styles is your primary ‘go-to’ when faced with conflict?  Does it serve you well in all situations or could you stand to develop a new approach? If you struggle in the area of conflict resolve, good news! Behaviors in conflict resolve are learned and can be changed. Finding a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to make behavior shifts can be a great place to start.

“When team members trust each other and know that everyone is capable of admitting when they’re wrong, then conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth or the best possible answer.” —  Patrick Lencioni

Why show empathy, anyway?

We hear a lot about the need for empathy. Empathy is that ability to sense others’ feelings and to take an active interest in their perspective and concerns. People who are good at this listen for the unspoken emotions in a conversation. They are attentive to a wide range of emotional signals which clue them in to being sensitive to understanding what the other person really wants and needs.

“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view — as well as your own.” — Henry Ford

Those who struggle with empathy — and this may be you — have a hard time reading people and picking up on what they are thinking and feeling. They tend to be literal in hearing only the words which someone says and don’t know how to decipher the other communication that is going on through facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. People with low empathy tend to stereotype others based upon outward appearances and show little deference to others’ opinions and ways of thinking. An unempathetic person can come across indifferent and uncaring.

Why does this matter in the workplace? A Gallup study done in 2015 reported that about 50% of the 7,200 adults surveyed left a job “to get away from their manager.” The study also found that employees whose bosses communicated with them directly and regularly (up to 3 times per week) — not just about work issues but who took an interest in their personal lives — felt more enthusiastic and dedicated to their work. But a lack of empathy — a boss that doesn’t show that he/she cares — can result in company money down the drain. In an article by Suzanne Lucas in CBS News’ Moneywatch (November 21, 2012), she wrote, “For all jobs earning less than $50,000 per year, or more than 40 percent of U.S. jobs, the average cost of replacing an employee amounts to fully 20 percent of the person’s annual salary.” She also shared that in lower-paying jobs (under $30k), the cost to lose an employee is only 16% of their salary — but still. Those dollars add up.

And what about outside of the workplace? “Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.” In his book Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman writes: “Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else’s perspective and strengths the more we see things from their point of view. The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance.” (Social Intelligence, Goleman, p. 110)

“Relationships often suffer because people get so caught up in their own experience that they simply can’t relate to what someone else is going through. They assert their opinions and hand out advice – all the while not truly appreciating the other person’s struggles.” – Leslie Becker -Phelps, Ph.D.

People with empathy are able to show a sensitivity to what the other person is going through and take action to help make the situation more tolerable for that person. Empathy truly is one of the ways we can begin to connect deeply with others.

I know it all sounds good. We should be more empathetic. But showing empathy is easier for some than others. If you come up on the short stick of empathy, do you just shrug and say, “Oh well. I’m no good at that.”? Empathy is a competency of emotional intelligence, specifically, social intelligence, the ability to discern others’ emotions in the moment and respond accordingly. Empathy is a behavior, and the good news for those of us who struggle with it, behavior can be changed. If you are self-aware enough to realize you may not be the most empathetic person, here are some developmental tips you can try to begin to make a shift in a new direction:

• Listen. Becoming a good listener is the foundation. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really tune in to what the other person is saying — and not saying.
• Ask questions to clarify meaning. Sure, you heard what you think you heard, but asking a few questions not only shows the other person you are interested in learning more but provides clarity to truly understanding what they are trying to express.
• Put down that phone. When someone’s talking, it’s easy to be distracted by other things going on around you. Let’s be honest, people don’t always pick the most opportune times to walk into your office to talk. Show them respect by putting away distractions while they’re speaking — put down your cell phone (and turn it over so you’re not tempted by the screen or even better, turn it off), close your laptop, and make eye contact as they speak.
• Tune into the emotions behind the words. Sometimes what the person across from you is really looking for in a conversation is masked behind their words. Listen deeply to find the real meaning behind what is coming out of their mouths.
• Suspend judgement. You may possess the gift of keen discernment and have that ability to pick up on the subtle nuances of what someone is trying to communicate, but with that can come the ability to pass judgement too quickly. Catch yourself if you are quick to criticize or dismiss the opinions of others. Often the other perspective can offer you fresh insights which you may not have been able to come up with yourself.

Though growing in empathy can take some work, your efforts can lead you down the path of healthier, happier relationships, both at home and at the office. If you feel you need some help, consider employing a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you on the journey.

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” — John MacNaughton

When you fall flat on your face

Whether or not you are a fan of college track, it’s hard not to be inspired by Heather Dorniden’s unbelievable 600 meter run at the 2008 Big 10 Indoor Track & Field Finals. The celebrated runner for the University of Minnesota had completed two laps of the three-lap race and was leading the pack, as was expected due to her stellar earlier performances. But we all know how quickly adversity can hit. With only 200 meters to go, she tripped and fell hard, face-down on the track, quickly finding herself in last place and a good 25 meters behind the others. But here’s where the miracle happened. Instead of calling it quits, she sprang to her feet in a full-out sprint, and in a most-amazing finish, passed each of her competitors, one by one, and crossed the finish line in first place!  I get chills every time I watch it. To be honest, it makes me cry. If you haven’t seen it, watch (and cry with me) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjejTQdK5OI

Wow, right? It’s rare to find someone with such a dedication to a single-minded purpose combined with the tenacity and grit to make it happen.

When you fall flat on your face, what do you do?

Lou Holtz, an American college and professional football coach, says this: “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”

Grit, or resiliency, is the ability to show perseverance and diligence in the face of setbacks.

People who are resilient are able to cope with disappointments and can overcome obstacles that slow others down. But not only can they cope — they are able to bounce back from adversity and often come out ahead of where they started.  Exhibiting grit is not about surviving but thriving.

If you’re human, you’re going to experience disappointments and setbacks. But do you notice how some people seem to jump over the hurdles set before them, while others allow the hurdles to stop them short? Those who struggle with grit tend to see failures as permanent, usually due to inflexible thinking. They tend to dwell in the past, ruminating about previous mistakes and difficult times to the point of getting ‘stuck’. It’s like when you meet someone who’s telling you about their ex-husband, not excluding a detail of all the bad things he did, and how he hurt her, and the marriage — then you come to discover the divorce happened 20 years ago. From the conversation you’d think it happened yesterday. People who lack grit also experience a great deal of negative self-talk. They think and say things like, “How could I be so stupid?“, or “You’ll never fix this one!“.

Setbacks are difficult. Having grit isn’t about being Pollyannaish and pretending the pain of the failure isn’t real, because it is. Experiencing any type of loss hurts.  And we need to take time to grieve. But at some point, we get to determine if we want to bounce back or let this setback be the end of us. Even if you’ve caved in the past, developing resilience is possible for anyone willing to make some small steps in that direction.

“Your choice:  victim or victor.” — Unknown

One step at a time

Many factors can contribute to developing grit, but all it takes is one step at a time to start moving in a positive direction. Which of these will you start with?

• Adopt a healthy lifestyle.  It is very difficult to have grit when you lack sleep, are exhausted, or overly-stressed. Building in periods of rest and renewal (and fun!) into your life can help develop a resilient outlook when tough times hit.
• Seek support and surround yourself with friends and family who encourage you.
• Read stories/watch videos of others who have overcome failures and turned their mess into a mission.
• Tell yourself, “This too shall pass“. Though the effects of setbacks can feel devastating, the event itself actually is temporary.
• Challenge your negative self-talk. Using a tool such as a “Thought Log” can be a helpful way to sort out negative thoughts from reality.
• Ask yourself if you’re trying to control something you cannot. Often the circumstances can’t be changed, but your outlook can.
• Focus on your strengths. Not sure what they are? Try an emotional intelligence assessment to help you determine the areas of life you excel in.
• Drop the expectation of perfection.  We all mess up. Accept that you may have missed, forgive yourself, and move on.
• Work with a  social + emotional intelligence coach to become more flexible and adaptable. Often a rigid mindset can prevent us from seeing setbacks as opportunities for growth and change.

When it comes to resiliency, perspective is everything.

If you’re struggling with seeing setbacks as anything else but absolute and complete failure with no hope for the future, stop and ask yourself these questions:

1. What is the worst thing that can happen?
2. How likely is it that this worst thing will happen?
3. What is one thing I can do to stop it from happening?
4. What is the best thing that can happen?
5. What is one thing I can do to make that happen?
6. What is the most likely thing that will happen?
7. What can I do to handle the most likely thing that will happen?

It hurts to fall flat on our face. And the easiest thing when we do is to lie there and refuse to get up. But we humans are wired to be resilient. We have the choice to rise, sprint forward, and finish the race. What will you do?

“True grit is making a decision and standing by it, doing what must be done.” –John Wayne

How Can I Help?

They bought me a car.

It happened a number of years ago, as I was putting myself through grad school, going to classes at night and on the weekends, working two jobs during the day, and somehow trying to find time to spend with my three kids as a single mom. Times were a little tough financially though we always found ways to make ends meet and have fun while we were at it. We’d driven our tired, old red Subaru, “Bessie”, into the ground. She was limping along, radiator problems and engine troubles, and was held together by duct tape in several places on the bumper. Some dear friends of mine found out — friends I had known in college and hadn’t seen for 15+ years — and called me up one night and said, “We’re buying you a new car.  Go out and figure out what you want, then let us know. We’ll cover everything.”

Who buys someone a car?!

“The simplest way to explain it would be to say that servant leaders focus on identifying and meeting the needs of others rather than trying to acquire power, wealth and fame for themselves.” — Kent Keith, former CEO of Greenleaf Center for Servant Leadership

Have you ever met those people who just seem to think of others first? Those that want to make a difference in others’ lives and pursue opportunities to impact others for the better? Having a service orientation is a competency of those with strong emotional intelligence. People who possess this amazing quality anticipate, recognize, and meet others’ needs. Not only do they notice when someone is in need — they respond. Those who are strong in having a heart to serve others seem to understand what others are lacking before the need arises and have an uncanny ability to grasp the perspective of others, quickly, and readily take action to help. They creatively look for ways to make others’ lives more comfortable — and do so with a willing attitude.

I want to be like this.

Many of us, on the other hand, tend to focus on our own objectives most of the time. We don’t exactly want to go out of our way to help someone and often think, “This isn’t my problem”, or, “They should’ve made better choices so they wouldn’t be in this predicament”. If someone needs our help, we may offer “easy-way-out help” — solutions that don’t require a great deal of time, effort, or money on our part. We tend to not want to go above and beyond for others, unless there’s something in it for us.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” –Charles Dickens

Why would we want to develop an attitude of service? One reason is that it simply brightens the other person’s day…and not just theirs but of those around them! For example, if someone at the bus station doesn’t have enough money for a ticket, and you step in and buy them one — most likely they’ll tell their friends/family later that day about the awesome thing that happened to them today, spreading the cheer. Give the check-out lady a compliment on how you appreciate your positive attitude and most likely she’ll exhibit that positive attitude with the next customer — and the next. Helping your coworker on a task which feels overwhelming to them will relieve them of the stress they’re carrying and result in less stress they bring home to their loved ones. Doing kind things for others can be the very thing that turns someone’s bad day into a good one. And knowing we’ve turned someone’s day around can only lift our own spirits.

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” — Maya Angelou

Another outcome of having a heart of service is that it transforms us. Servant leadership helps us switch from an outlook of lack to an outlook of abundance. In Nipun Mehta’s article Five Reasons to Serve Others, published in YES magazine in 2012, we learn that when we begin to serve others, we discover the “full range of resources” at our disposal — not only financial gifts but our time, presence, and attention — and can begin to discover  opportunities to serve – everywhere — enabling us to operate from a place of abundance instead of scarcity. Abundant-thinking helps us build trust more easily, welcome competition, embrace risks, and stay optimistic about the future…all great qualities for a leader to possess.

In Robert Greenleaf’s book, Servant Leadership, he outlines ten principles of servant leadership.  Which of these could you stand to improve in?

1. Listening
2. Empathy
3. Healing
4. Awareness
5. Persuasion
6. Conceptualization
7. Foresight
8. Stewardship
9. Commitment to the growth of others
10. Building community

You may not feel you are wired for service oriented-leadership, but there are simple steps you can take to enhance your relationships with an attitude of service.

• Become a better listener.  Listen for meaning and suspend your judgments and opinions unless asked. Most people are longing to be heard and understand — just tuning into others when they speak can help with that.
• Be available. Carve out time in your schedule to “be” with others, simply enjoying the time with them. And put down that phone while you’re at it!
• Offer compliments. Kind words are such a gift! A proverb says, “Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Be on the lookout for sincere compliments you can offer another.
• Make a giving list.  Think of the people who you regularly interact with — and ask yourself, “How can I help?” Jot down their names, and beside their name, write down one thing you could do for them to satisfy one of their needs, hopes, or dreams. It could be buying them their favorite coffee or inviting them to lunch.  Then go do it!
• Keep your promises. You might not think of this as a way to give to others, but being true to your word, reliable, and someone others can count on is an act of service in and of itself.

I felt like the luckiest and most-loved girl in the world the day my friends bought us the car. Their kindness had a powerful, positive impact on our family, and ever since we have looked for ways to give back to others, so they too can experience the joy we did. You may not ever have the financial means to buy someone a car…most of us don’t…but we can find small and simple ways to serve others in our everyday lives.

“I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.”  — Albert Schweitzer