The Gift That Everyone Needs

In many countries, this time of the year is marked by the telltale signs of people scurrying around from store to store trying to find the perfect gift for friends, family, and loved ones. And while we may fuss that this holiday season has become too commercialized, most will admit that it feels really good to give, especially when we've chosen a gift that is well received! Seeing the delight on someone's face as they unwrap a present they like can warm our hearts on any cold, winter day.

But there's a gift that many of us possess, yet, often unbeknown to us, withhold it. We'll spend our hard-earned paychecks on new toys or colorful housewares or the latest electronic gadget for those we love, and even at times for strangers, but this particular gift is a little more difficult to part with. It doesn't come wrapped in brown paper packages tied up with bows, and you won't find it online or at your neighborhood retail store. Yet, it is a gift that each of us wants -- and needs.

I don't like conflict.  Not many of us do.  Whether it be with family at home, or colleagues at the office, or with strangers on our daily commute, conflict with other human beings can leave us feeling used up, empty, and numb--the very opposite of what we're 'supposed' to feel this time of year. The holidays are a time for peace.  But we all know how difficult relations with each other can be at times.  How much peace are you feeling at the moment with those you interact with?  And more importantly, how much peace are you giving at the moment to those in your life?

When my kids' dad and I divorced years ago, I can't exactly say we were feeling the love, joy and peace of the season in our household those first few winters. There was arguing. Crying. Yelling. Disenchantment. The ending of family as we knew it left raw wounds, which would at times begin to heal over, until a word or action ripped open the flesh once again with new hurt and pain. I was angry, he was angry--we were angry.  The kids got their presents: princess dresses, Batman masks, bicycles, movies, gifts laced with all the trimmings of the holidays, yet the most vital ingredient was missing:  peace.  I remember one particular night we were dropping off the kids and the interaction between us was so bitter than I was shaking with rage.  Peace?  It just wasn't an item in Santa's gift bag for our family that year.

Peace can only come about when we are able to get along well with those around us. Even if you don't consider yourself to be a 'people person', it's almost impossible to avoid interactions with others, and it's these interactions that greatly affect our ability to experience peace. Believe me, I understand how certain circumstances can cause our relationships to be strained, to say the least, but unless we develop healthy conflict management skills, and interpersonal skills, both key components of emotional intelligence, even when there are valid reasons for the controversy, our ability to experience peace-- and give peace -- will be stifled.

Is there anyone in your life who's robbing you of your peace?  Or, more importantly, is there anyone from whom you are stealing it? Maybe it's a coworker who drives you nuts, or pushes your buttons, or.... you name it ... whatever it is they do that's causing you distress. Maybe it's a family member that hurt you a long time ago in an angry argument.  Maybe it's the guy who just pulled out in front of you at the intersection. Whomever it is, how does it feel?  If your reaction is anything like mine, the sick pit in your stomach when you think of the person or interact with them is enough to dampen the brightest of holiday spirits.

Forgiveness is often thought of to be a religious term, but it is helpful in bringing about peace to all, no matter what religion, belief system, or god you serve.  A quick internet search of the word 'forgive' leads you to this definition: “To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake."  But I like the second definition that comes up even more so:  "To cancel a debt."  Cancel means to cross it out, delete it, to let it go. It is inevitable that when in relationship there will be cause for offense. But it's our choice to let go of the punishment that we feel they deserve for their bad behavior.  It's a gift that we all possess and have the ability to give, and it's our choice whether to give it -- or not. And while not offering it is definitely an option, we've all heard the famous quote by Marianne Williamson:  

 "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die."

My years of holding on to resentments tainted my joy, and it was no one's fault but my own. Sure, I could blame my ex for the unrest, but in actuality it was me who was refusing to offer the olive branch of peace. It took several years, but when I was finally ready to cancel the debt I felt my he owed, it was only then that peace could begin to seep back into my life. Hurtful words became just a little less hurtful. Unrealistic expectations of each other were put to rest, and oddly, a sense of respect for each other began appear, faintly at first, like the first twinkling star at dusk. Although these moments in the beginning were few and far between, it soon became more and normal to treat each other decently. It was as if we were tentatively exchanging little trinkets of peace, like stocking stuffers, and as we rebuilt trust, the gifts became more substantial, valuable, and frequent. I'd compliment him on his parenting skills, he'd thank me for teaching the girls to sing.  He'd offer to pay for something extra, then I'd do the same next time an expense came around. It wasn't easy, and I struggled with extending kindness when the list of his wrongs always seemed to be much longer than the rights. But I found it hard to maintain a hardened heart when he'd offer a kind word, and visa versa. Sure, we'd often backslide, but for the most part we could tell our relationship was moving to a healthier place. Long story short, just last week, we were attending one of our kids' choir events, and stopped into local coffee shop beforehand, and all sat together and shared coffee, and actually got along.  No arguing, no hurtful digs, no unkind words. We even laughed a bit and snapped a group photo.  What a different scene than from those early days of conflict. Will he ever be my best friend again?  Most likely not. I don't think I'd even want that. But we have been able to finally lay down the years of bitterness and begin to again experience the love (well, "like" may be more accurate!), peace, and joy that Christmas carolers croon about.

Forgiveness. It's gift that we all possess, but one that can be hard to give, especially when we can justify the reasons someone doesn't deserve it. Offering forgiveness is much easier said than done -- but know it can be done and can lead to the peace we all desire, deep down. Who will you offer this gift to this season?

The Leap

Do you have dreams that are not being realized? And in the day-to-day grind you just can't see how to make them happen? It's the story of my life. As a result of my wanderings around the great state of Colorado this summer, I realized that the guilty culprit of dream-stealing is that discouraging and negative acquaintance of ours named Fear. Why we ever decided to make friends with him in the first place I'll never know! He has an annoying way of stopping by unannounced and knocking on our door until we relent and let him in, usually in the dark and restless hours of the night, when we are wrestling with discouragement and worry. And then he has the gall to stick around like an unwanted house guest until we're exasperated and completely spent! I know in my life the presence of fear is the very thing that keeps me from exploring new opportunities that are the stepping stones to making my dreams unfold. Fear paralyzes us to the point that not only do we forget our dreams but can't remember why we even dreamed them, and a life that seems mundane, routine, and purposeless stealthily assumes their place.

Fear can be so crippling that in order to tackle it, drastic measures are needed. Fearing the unknown becomes such a way of life for some of us that the thought of taking any sort of risk or changing up the routine is terrifying, despite realizing we have landed in a life that is so very far from our hearts. Taking a leap of faith, which is a form of exercising our personal power, when an opportunity presents itself becomes the only option to get unstuck and move forward.

I go cliff jumping for this very reason. If you've ever tried it, you understand how terrifying it can be.  Just getting to the launch pad is treacherous.  Usually the way up is a narrow, steep footpath with loose rocks, sharp drop-offs, and absolutely no room for error.  As if that doesn't get your heart racing, there's often no way down except to jump.  As you carefully peer over the edge to once again assure yourself there are no rocks below (though you already swam around down there a couple hundred of times to make sure), despite seeing those who go before you successfully accomplish the feat, your fears grab your innards like a pair of strong, sinewy vice grips that squeeze so tightly you feel your timid heart may burst with the overload of adrenaline.  Everything in your reasonable, sound mind tells you that there is no earthly reason it would be a good idea to fling yourself off into the oblivion.  But with heart pounding and breath coming in shallow gasps, you leap, a scream escaping your chest that doesn't quite sound human. At the splash you plunge deep into the cool, cold waters with an instant exuberant affirmation that makes you wonder why you ever hesitated in the first place. It's a physical way to push back physical fears that so translate over into fears of the heart. The exhilaration of mustering up the bravery to leap, despite sane reasoning, then plummeting downward, barefoot, into the refreshing blue waters below, reminds me that I can do anything if I am bold enough to try.


What cliff is looming ahead for you, that thing you are afraid of that's holding you back? Or what cliff have you recently leapt from that has moved you one step closer to your dreams? One lie that fear whispers in our ear is that we are alone in our struggles, and alone in our successes.  This misconception can lead to isolation, loneliness, and a false sense of self -- three masks that do a good job of clouding our vision and make us feel like we are pursuing our dreams with blinders on. Keep sharing your stories, because it is these tales of love, and hurt, and accomplishment, and setbacks, that could be the very thing someone needs to read today to help them make the leap.

What's keeping you from getting there?

The alarm goes off and you jump out of bed with the best of intentions. You have a long to-do list and today is the day you're going to check those boxes. Check, check, check, check, then - oh. There it is -- that one task -- the one you've been avoiding. That one that has been looming over your head like a dark and thunderous storm cloud, carrying in its dark and grey shadows a sense of dread and trepidation. And with each day that passes without working on it, the bigger and stormier that cloud gets, to the point where it begins to wake you at night and give you that sick, pit-in-your-stomach feeling when you think about it. You know that you have to start on it. But instead of diving in and tackling it, you jump on social media, and before you know it, you are watching videos of cats jumping in the air when they spy a cucumber lying nearby. And at the end of the day -- that sick sense of dread is still there. Can you relate?

Procrastination is a choice we make that can really eat at our drive for achievement. I like how Christopher Parker put it: "Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." So true!

To procrastinate means to avoid doing something that we ought to be doing, and most likely, spending time doing 'more enjoyable' things in place of the task at hand. This avoidance can take the shape of spending time on less-urgent matters or simply running from the task completely. Achievement drive is a valuable competency of emotional intelligence and without it, we find it hard to accomplish our goals. People who are overflowing with achievement drive set high professional (and personal) standards and continually strive -- yes strive -- to not only meet those standards, but to go above and beyond. Those without it tend to do only what's required of them and don't like to stretch themselves to accomplish challenging tasks.

"Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder." -- Mason Cooley

In grad school we were given the task of developing a research project around our topic of study and to go out and gather responses to a specific set of questions, recording the answers with a scientifically-based and statistically-reliable methodology. The project contributed to a good portion of our semester grade and was going to take more than a couple of hours to complete. "It's a good idea that you get started on this one early", our instructor stated. I immediately started worrying about what topic I would choose and whom I would include in my focus group. But instead of going home and at least brainstorming some ideas, I tucked the assignment away and tried not to think about it for the next few weeks. With each passing day the project grew bigger and increasingly fearsome than it actually was, until it seemed larger than life itself. This is an impossible assignment! I'll never finish it on time! Before I knew it I was waking at night sick with worry, but when the daylight came, instead of working on it, I did everything else BUT the project so that when night came again, the dread settled in my bones like a life-sucking parasite.

At the last moment, literally, with about four days to go before due date, out of desperation, I dove into that assignment, and to my surprise, discovered it was very interesting and even -- dare I say -- fun? I wished I had more time to spend on it but due to my procrastination I only had a couple of days to work on what turned out to be my favorite assignment of the year.

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." -- H.P. Lovecraft

Remember when Indiana Jones had to step out into nothingness to discover the only way across the ravine? Sometimes taking the first steps into a daunting task can feel that way.

A good way to avoid letting it become seemingly impossible is break it down into smaller, manageable steps...and sometimes forcing yourself to put one foot in front of the other, stepping out into that hazy unknown. Letting a project sit too long untouched can slow down your traction. The sooner you can begin to chip away at a task's monumental stature the sooner you'll realize it's not as prodigious as it seemed. And you might find you enjoy the views along the journey.

How to do this?

A simple place to start is to create an action plan:

• Define the project and make note of the deadline.
• Take a moment to anticipate how you will feel when you accomplish this project and jot it down.
• Make a to-do list of the steps needed to take to accomplish the project. Set timelines for each step. These can be daily or weekly, depending on the length of the project.
• Pick your team. Who will help you, whether it be for research, or task-sharing, or simply to lean into as a source of encouragement? Many hands make light work.
• Push to the front of the line. Each day, if possible, work on this project first. Allowing yourself to do other tasks may take you off course and prevent you from taking necessary steps toward the goal.
• Celebrate your accomplishments along the way. Each step achieved puts you one step closer to the grand finale. If it helps, create a visual display to show how much of the project you have conquered each step of the way.

Learning to break down large projects into smaller, more manageable tasks can help you avoid procrastination and become more results-oriented, pushing through the uncertainty that often goes hand-in-hand with something that feels overwhelming. Learning to become more action-oriented and thus develop achievement drive can help you begin to take more risks and work toward a higher standard of excellence. The downside is that you may not get to watch as many cat videos on you tube. But the sweet taste of accomplishment that comes from reaching your goals and finishing projects will most likely be a bit more satisfying.

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment." -- Thomas Carlyle 

A Little Running Story

Many of you know of my dark and sordid love affair with running. I go through romantic, passionate periods where I am a faithful lover then for no reason at all kick off my shoes and quit, just long enough to where when I put them back on it's like an awkward first date. It's a rather painful process but one familiar to many adults I've learned who at one point ran in high school or college. Like the lyrics in the Civil Wars' haunting song, "I don't love you, I always will..."

So last fall I ran a marathon, and this weekend I labored (to put it gently) through a short 5K, the Ram Run, a hilly race our functional dysfunctional family jumps into every year to support our local high school. It seems each August when it occurs I am definitely on the outs with my love. I blame it back issues, or the fact that we traveled too much, or "I have been riding my bicycle!", feeble excuses to explain away my wandering heart. This summer was no different as I had only run a handful of times giving cause for great trepidation around the race's hills, and in particular, the final one.

In the months between each Ram Run I actually daydream about being in such great shape that I completely tackle the beast. The last mile of the race for the most part is slightly uphill and then takes a sharp turn to a dirt path for the last 100 meters or so that could almost be done better on hands and feet, scrambling up the steep rocky incline to the finish line. Needless to say it is a torturous way to end a 3 mile run.(#clintbostonisevil)

There is a lady named Jen who always wins with the fastest time overall for women. She is a coach from another school and often (undoubtedly to her dismay if she knew) visits my off- season Ram Run daydreams. Countless times over the past year I have imagined myself turning that corner at the base of the horrible hill and there she is. This is one of the many delusional aspects of my troubled running relationship. In reality, meeting up with her toward the end of this run could never happen because I consistently come in a good 12 minutes behind her each year. That means she is finishing the race well before I even reach the two mile mark....nothing short of depressing. But in my I'm In Great Shape Fantasy World, I have imagined turning that corner and there she is, and to her surprise in a final ditch effort I push past her up that wretched steep incline for the win. Again, completely and entirely delusional...and impossible.

So imagine my surprise yesterday, as I slowly climbed the long grueling ascent before that hill from hell, sweat dripping off my nose, gasping for air in short high-pitched (I'd guess a high A flat?) tones, feet barely shuffling forward, mentally beating myself up for being 10 lbs heavier than last year and so ready to quit and just walk to the finish, when I turned that corner and there she was. It was a surreal deja vu from all of my silly daydreams of the past year, like that hazy place between dreams and awake after an afternoon nap. In an instant (and to my chagrin) I suddenly realized she had speedwalked the entire race! I had to laugh! She walked the whole darn thing and was still ahead of me!

Despite this discouraging realization, here we were at that fateful finale, two players in a dark comedy. I dug in deep from the very little I had left in my already-spent reserves and pushed past her and up that hill with a desperate burst of effort. I had no thought other than, "She will not walk past me!" The crowd was yelling her name and cheering her on as I passed so I knew she was just a few steps back. I thought my lungs were going to explode and my face, boasting the brightest shade of red comparable to a ripe autumn tomato, would frighten the medics and cause them to come running to my aid. I wanted to quit and walk. I seriously can't remember a time when I've pushed harder, but with lungs screaming and legs collapsing I made it up that hill and ran across that finish line just seconds ahead of her.

Thank you, Jen, for being such an awesome, amazing athlete, and without even knowing it, inspiring me to push myself beyond what I thought I could. Though it was my slowest 5K time ever, and kin to the feeling of winning a card game when a little cheating is involved, it still felt fantastic to accomplish the impossible.

And Running, my beloved, my darling, let's start courting again, shall we?

Tackling fear with personal power

I have this terrific fear of karaoke. 

It is unfounded, ungrounded, and unreasonable. “No one cares what you sound like”, they tell me. “Have a few drinks and you’ll be fine”, they reason. “No one is listening anyway”, they say in a most convincing tone.  I get it and I hear it and I agree with it – but I’m still scared, to the point of getting sick to my stomach and weak in the knees when I see the red neon “Karaoke” sign on the side of a building my friends are leading me toward.

It’s one thing if I got up on stage, belted out a few notes, and it went really poorly. Picking a song I thought I knew (but didn’t), the entire audience pointing at me and laughing because I looked funny, or choking on the remnants of the hot sauce from that last bite of wings…these would be solid grounds for fear. But I've never gotten up there and tried it--in fact, I usually flee the scene before the strains of the first tune begin. My fear is completely and wholeheartedly a fear of the great unknown.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

Karaoke is a silly topic, I know. But I’m finding that fears in one area of life are all too quick to spill over into other areas of life, more important ones like work and personal relationships. Fear is a shape shifter. It can take on many forms which can deceive us into not recognizing it for what it is. And because it doesn't always show itself blatantly in the telltale sweaty palms and a rapid heartbeat, it can lurk unknowingly in the shadows, causing us to behave in ways we don’t exactly want to.  Procrastination, worry, nagging, complaining, arrogance, using humor at the wrong time, poor treatment of coworkers and/or employees -- all can be the damaging results of unchecked fear.

Fear has a direct impact on our personal power, that inner knowing that we can meet life’s challenges head-on, and a vital component of emotional intelligence. And who doesn’t have a few challenges that they could use a little personal power toward these days?!  I can’t name one friend or colleague who isn’t battling something rather difficult at the moment. You? Personal power is so vital because without it, we begin to think that we have no control over our situation. When it's not present, we lose confidence in our own judgment begin to avoid change, allowing ourselves to feel powerless. We become risk-adverse and do what we can to stay safe instead of stretching into what could be new, positive opportunities.

Part of tackling a fear of the unknown is learning to be present in the moment, which is what’s referred to as mindfulness. Human nature in and of itself has a tendency to either ruminate on the past or worry about the future, but the ability to be in the moment can be arduous. Our fears often revolve around things that could happen, not what actually is happening. I'm afraid I'll have an all-out coughing fit when I get up to sing in front of everyone. Sure, that could happen, but what are the chances? Think about the times when you had a solid career but worried about getting fired…when you were in a relationship but worried about them leaving...when you had financial security yet worried about losing it. Instead of relishing the present, we tend to fear what is not known.

If you're one of those people who is unabashedly brave, going boldly where no man has gone before, kudos to you. I admire you. And I ask that you use your gift, not only to promote your own successes, but to reach out to someone beside you who could use a hand. And if you lean more toward being a scaredy-cat, regularly giving your fears permission to dictate your day-to-day affairs...how's that working for you? Are you ready to make a shift?

Here are some ways you can begin to develop your personal power and push past the fears that may be holding you down:

• Let the past be past. So you’ve failed at a few things. Sure, the thought of failing again can be terrifying. But you've got to let them go and move on. I love the words of Thomas Edison when he said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
• Stop being the controller. There are some situations that you cannot fix, and worrying about them isn't helping either. Learn which things you can change (your behavior) and which you cannot (others’ behavior).
• Learn your enemy. Often our fears arise from a lack of knowledge. Take a class, seek out a mentor, study up on that thing you’re avoiding.
• Revel in your successes. Jot down a list of accomplishments, the things you’ve done well, and remember how good they felt. Isn’t that feeling worth working toward again?
• Try it, you’ll like it. Pick one unknown thing you’re intimidated by this week and give it the ole’ college try. Start small – little successes lead to bigger successes. For example, if you dread giving that upcoming presentation to a tough client,  practice first with a group of forgiving friends.

A lack of personal power can be crippling and a huge waste of time. When we succumb to our fears, they devour our confidence, bind our wings and blur our vision. Fear is a powerful, controlling force that imprisons us, keeping us behind the bars of doubt and worry, locking us away from living our lives to our fullest potential.

Maybe it's time to grab the microphone and start to sing.

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure…than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

Some Un-Asked-For Advice from a Divorced Person

My parents and some of my brothers are in on the spouse challenge thing this week -- what a delight to see a daily stream of my family's love and commitment to marriage, starting with my parents and filtering down through my brothers. I don't know what happened to me, haha, because I come from a long line of love.

To be completely transparent, I admit I feel a bit of chagrin each time I see someone posting about how much they love and are loved by their spouse--the flowers they got, the kisses they received, the help around the house, the anniversary trip, the financial support, the encouragement when they are down or the care when they are sick. Not seeking pity at all -- don't even go there or I'm immediately deleting your post! But there are many things you miss out on when you're divorced, and seeing the pictures from all of you and my family remind me of that.

So if you're even contemplating divorce, don't do it! (barring an abusive situation of course). You are not going to find someone better 'out there'. Just remember this tagline I so intelligently came up with: "Divorce Sucks". Make it into a bumper sticker and put it on your car if you need to beside your stick figure families holding their soccer balls. No matter how enticing it may seem, when you're fighting and disagreeing and being selfish and even hating each other in the moment, don't do it. Though you really can make the best of a divorce, move on, recreate your life and actually find joy and happiness again, withOUT your spouse, I do believe the hard work of staying together in a loving relationship trumps all.

Keep up the good work, all of you, and keep learning how to love each other better and better every day, and despite my whining, keep posting those pictures. Your love is an encouragement to us all.

The value of relating to others

I sat down after finding my name inscribed in calligraphy on the place card.  It was a delightful night to be out on the town — the warm, summer breezes and city lights danced well together to create a jovial spirit for this fundraising event. Though I knew no one in attendance–yet–my plan was to turn on my extroverted switch and add some new acquaintances to my social network on this festive evening.

Within moments a good-looking couple sat to my right, holding hands, and a few others filtered in across the way, but the seat to my left remained empty. The table was so large that conversation with guests across the expanse of linens and silk flower arrangements would be in vain, so I decided to hone in on the lovebirds. But despite my open-ended inquiries, it was quickly obvious that they’d rather spend the evening whispering in each other’s ear rather than engage with me, which was fine, but left me sitting alone.

As our salad plates were cleared, she swept in and sat to my left.  Attractive, mid-forties, with short, well-coiffed hair, a smart navy business suit, and power pumps.  She was one of those very-well-put-together business professionals that somehow always left me feeling inadequate. But that was my issue, not hers. Masking my intimidation, I smiled confidently and put out my hand for the firm-enough-but-not-too-firm handshake and welcomed her to our table.  She looked me over with a nonchalant glance, pursed her lips, and began texting someone (obviously more important than me) as she sat down.

Not one to be quickly daunted, as she finished her text I introduced myself and asked her about her work.  As she answered, with a clipped, succinct sentences, I hurriedly formulated my own response in my head. I honestly didn’t hear a word she said, as I was contemplating what I could possibly say when she asked about me that would make her raise her perfectly plucked eyebrows with interest. I never got my chance. She didn’t reciprocate nor showed any interest in conversing.  After several failed attempts to draw her out, I caved and turned to my chicken dijon with rice until the presentation began. So much for connecting that evening. It just wasn’t going to happen.

There is a quality of social and emotional intelligence called interpersonal effectiveness, and it’s the ability to tune into others with compassion and sensitivity. You know the type. They have a contagious, positive enthusiasm that puts you at ease the moment you meet them. They demonstrate a genuine interest in you and you can tell they actually want to know you. These people possess exceptional listening skills, interact smoothly with others, and are able to make even the most uncomfortable situations comfortable.

Not only were my table partners lacking this quality that night, but so was I. Instead of knowing how to navigate the icy situation with my well-dressed companion, I eventually mirrored her coldness and gave up. The once-cheerful evening quickly became a disappointment and I longed for dessert to be served, not so the decadent sweetness could delight my mouth, but because it signaled the welcome end of an uncomfortable evening.

Does it matter if we really connect well with others?  Theodore Roosevelt stated,

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”

I admire people who can build rapport with all types, no matter the situation.  But specifically in the workplace, interpersonal skills are an important value add because it is our relationships, with bosses, managers, coworkers and customers, that — get this — have the greatest impact on our happiness and contentment in our roles, more so than our workload or tasks or responsibilities or opportunities. (http://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2014/09/22/4-reasons-social-capital-trumps-all/#352a5e0e7b24)

“Financial capital is the funding you need to get off the ground, sustain growth, and develop operations. Human capital is the team that brings value to your organization. And while both are essential resources for your business, social capital — the connections and shared values that exist between people and enable cooperation — is the key to entrepreneurial success.” — Chris Cancialosi

If you’ve ever experienced conflict with those you work with, you understand the depth of stress these strained relationships can cause, and we all know the ill-effects of stress, let alone it being downright miserable. Interpersonal relationships also directly affect our productivity. If you’re a leader with disengaged employees, prepare yourself to watch your resources wash right down the drain. Studies show that companies with engaged employees earn twice the net income of those with disengaged employees.  How does the saying go?  “75% of people quit their bosses, not their jobs.”  When you have a chance, check out this surprising infographic of stats: http://www.dailyinfographic.com/10-shocking-statistics-about-employee-engagement-infographic

Max Messmer, who wrote Managing Your Career for Dummies, says this:

“Your career success in the workplace of today – independent of technical expertise – depends on the quality of your people skills.”

How do you know if your interpersonal skills could use some work?  Self-awareness is a key, and if that is lacking, we may miss how we come across, and may need the help of an outside opinion.  If you have a close friend and/or colleague that will be up front with you, and you’re feeling brave, ask them these questions:

• Is the first impression I give cold or warm/inviting?
• Do I ever come across arrogant or unapproachable?
• Am I a good listener or do you feel I’m too quick to share my own stories, opinions, and insights?
• Do you feel safe to come talk to me about anything?
• Do you feel like I know you well?  Do I allow you to truly know me?
• Do I ever come across like I’m judging you or devaluing your viewpoint?

If you don’t have someone who’ll give you honest responses, you may consider working with asocial + emotional intelligence coach to do a 360 assessment, where others have an opportunity to evaluate you.  These can be very eye-opening and give you revealing insight as to how you come across as you interact with others. The beauty of a 360 as well is that the raters can remain anonymous which encourages participant authenticity.

In the meantime, in the words of Stephen Covey, “Seek first to understand.” Try focusing on just one of these suggestions this week to see if you can begin to make a shift in your interpersonal effectiveness:

• Ask open-ended questions. Most people like to talk about themselves, and rarely get asked how they are feeling. Learn to draw people out.
• Make yourself maintain eye contact if you are one who tends to look “out there” when communicating.  Don’t they say the eyes are the window to the soul?
• Force yourself to listen and not be thinking about what you’ll say next. I’m terrible at this. This can be tricky, especially if you’re concerned about having the perfect response.  Really tune into what they are trying to communicate by staying present in the moment.
• Watch for cues that demonstrate not only what they’re saying, but not saying. Is your presence making them uncomfortable? Are they bored because you are talking too much about yourself? Did your last comment make them wince?  Again, watch for reactions in the eyes.
• Develop an understanding of cultural, religious, socioeconomic, and gender differences.  It’s too easy to offend someone by our ignorance.  Read, read, read to educate yourself about diversity.
• Withhold judgment.  It’s one thing to have your own opinion.  It’s another to think it’s your way or the highway.  Remain open to new ideas and ways of doing things.
• Share details about yourself when appropriate. The whys are much more interesting than the whats.  Learn to be a storyteller.
• Check your own non-verbals.  Are you frowning?  Are your arms crossed?  Are you fidgeting? And by all means don’t check your phone while others are trying to talk with you!
• Ban complaining. No one wants to hear it, really, and it puts colleagues in an uncomfortable position. (“If I nod, then they think I agree, if I don’t, they think I’m not being supportive…!”).  Find a close friend to share your struggles with — or a counselor or coach — but make an effort to keep complaints and negativity out of relationships, especially at the office.

There will of course be people that we just can’t connect with. It’s normal. But with some brushing up on our interpersonal skills, we can at least make those situations a little more tolerable, if not pleasant.

The ins and outs of integrity

I tried to lie once.

I had decided to take my three kids skiing, and was stressing about spending the money.  As we approached the ticket window, plodding along in our ski boots and bundled in our ski gear, I noticed on the sign that children under the age of 5 were free.  My youngest had just turned 5 a few weeks back, and I realized I could save $35 by pawning her off as a four-year old!   She was small for her age, I rationalized, and will hardly ski anyway -- it will be fine. However when I got up to the ticket counter, and told the attendant I needed two child tickets (for my older two) and “this one’s free”, pointing at her, he assertively smiled and said, “Great, what’s her birthdate?”

I panicked.  Should I add a year to her year of birth to take one away?  Wait--she is 5 now -- so I go down a year -- no -- up a year -- oh, why didn’t I listen better in Math?! I blurted out a date and he replied, nodding, with a comical look on his face, “Yeh, that would make her seven!”

He caught me in my lie.  I sheepishly paid the full price for her ticket and walked away in shame.  Worse than my flushed cheeks, my three little kids witnessed “mommy’s temporary memory loss” which obviously wasn’t that at all.  Later they asked me why I’d lied, and I told them I wanted to save money, and my middle child said, “But that wouldn’t be fair to others who have to pay, would it?" She had me there.  Was my attempt to twist the truth really worth the $35?  A few months later, my little one asked me something, and when I answered, she responded, “Is that true or is that like when you tried to tell that man I was four.” Ugh.  What seemed like such a small thing actually turned into a much bigger hurdle for me to overcome in establishing trust with my kids again.  And while living in integrity is much more than not telling a little white lie now and then, what comes out of our mouth is a reflection of who we are. Albert Einstein said it well, 

 “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

Our integrity (or lack of) defines whether or not we are someone who can be relied upon, trusted, and believed.  Do you lie often or do you mostly tell the truth?  I say mostly because a research study was published in 2002 by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts, who discovered that most people lie every day. The study showed that 60% of people aren’t able to have a ten minute conversation without telling at least one lie, and those in the Pinocchio category tend to tell two to three lies in the same ten minute period! (http://mentalfloss.com/article/30609/60-people-cant-go-10-minutes-without-lying)

I know, we’d like to think that we are the ones who fall into the 40%, but listen to closely to yourself in your next conversation.  Did you stretch the truth -- just a little bit?  Mention a few extra details that didn’t exactly take place to get an extra laugh?  Not tell the whole story leading the listener to believe something about you that just isn’t quite accurate?

Integrity is defined by most as the quality of being honest and possessing strong moral principles. And it’s our integrity -- especially when we’re in a leadership role -- that establishes a sense of trust and reliability from those we work with. Integrity is a key competency of emotional intelligence and truth-telling is just one of the factors that make up one’s integrity.  Barbara De Angelis, relationship and personal growth advisor, puts it this way:  

“Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less that what you know  you deserve in your relationships.  Asking for what you want and need from others.  Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

Take this short quiz to see if you are living in integrity.  Ask yourself and answer with a yes or no:

• Do I always follow through on my commitments?
• Do I know my values and live by them at all times?
• Do I accept accountability for my actions, even if they “get me in trouble”?
• Do I take a stand for what I believe is right, even in the face of opposition?
• Do I give credit to those who deserve it?
• Do I treat all people with respect, not only to their face, but behind their back?
• Do I attempt to obey the ‘spirit of the law’ (the whys behind it) as opposed to just the letter of the law?
• Do I do the right thing when no one is looking?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are well on your way to being a person of high integrity.  Now, turn to a friend or colleague and ask them to answer the same questions about you.  Are their findings the same as yours?

If you came up with “sometimes”, or even a few no’s, then good news!, you’re now seeing the areas of your integrity that could use some work.  The first step in building more integrity is to truly know your own personal values.  What is really important to you? Take some time to write them down, in any order.  Then go back, and circle the ones that are most valuable to you. Prioritize them.

Now, take a good look at your day-to-day life.  Are you living out these values? An easy way to find this out is to look at your calendar app and notice if the things you’re spending your time doing are matching up with the values you circled.  If you’re seeing a miss between your highest values and how you’re spending your time, then it’s time to lay out a personal action plan to remedy this.  Note in which situations are the conflicts most often arising (be specific -- in meetings with your boss, or when you are working alone at home, or when you are out making new business connections, or when you feel nervous, etc.).  You may begin to see a trend as to the specific situations that challenge your integrity.  Recognizing these moments as ‘trigger points’ can help you prepare beforehand to make a stronger attempt to live out your values when the situation arises.

Finally, think, "What is one action I could take, today, when in that situation, to make a shift toward living out my values?" Then get out there and give it a try.  As with most things, practice makes perfect.

Since that fateful day at the ski ticket window, I have been much more conscious of speaking the truth, even if I fear the retributions...and even if it costs me a little extra money.  As a side note, I've also taken some time to brush up on my math skills, just in case I stumble along my walk towards integrity again in the future.  

"The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity.  Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office."  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Growing in personal agility

When I was first divorced I was very self-conscious going out alone in public. I remember I went to a restaurant, Mimi's Cafe, in attempt to do something fun on my own like you're supposed to. It was nothing short of disastrous. I felt like everyone there stared and noticed that I was alone and wondered why?, then had quiet, hushed discussions about how unfortunate my situation was. Of course they weren't even thinking about me at all, but that is how one's thought processes are muddled after being married for years then suddenly alone. It's as if a part of your very being is missing, amputated, and you are going out in public half exposed, naked, like in a bad dream. I choked down my French onion soup and fled as soon as I paid the bill, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, shamed with the acute awareness of my awkwardness in this new, changing situation.

Personal agility is a competency of emotional intelligence, and it was obvious at the time that I had very little of it.  People who are strong in this area are able to manage shifting sands with ease -- heck, they can even anticipate the need for change before it comes about!  And not only can they manage it, they have learned to embrace change, and are quick to look for the benefits and positive outcomes that will most likely come about because of the shift.

Oh, what a far cry from my night at Mimi's!

How is your personal agility?  If you're like me, you may notice that you tend to deny, ignore, and resist the need for change.  You can feel your discomfort levels rise when you sense a shift occurring.  A common place it happens is at the office. You've been doing something one way for a long time, and it works, quite well thank you very much, then someone new comes in and scrambles things up.  New initiatives!  New platforms!  New managers!  And not just new -- "new & improved".  Why can't we just keep doing things the way we were when the old way worked just fine?

The reality is we are engaged in an ever-changing, advancing environment that is not slow-as-molasses Mayberry, North Carolina, where the old ways of doing things are always the best ways of doing things. Unless we are willing to stretch and step out of our comfort zones, we'll quickly define ourselves irrelevant and most likely, down the road, out of a job.

If you struggle in this area, here are a few tips to keep in mind as you begin your journey toward the adventure of personal agility:

• Accept that change happens--it always has and it always will.  And like it or not, there's not a thing you can do to prevent it from occurring.
• Allow yourself to feel.  The normal human response to change is denial and resistance.  If you're feeling these, congratulations, your human! But you just don't get to stay there.
• Ask questions.  The more you can learn about and understand the changes, especially the why's behind them, the more you can begin to wrap your head around what your next steps will be.
• Acknowledge what is in your control and what is not. Focus on the things you can control (your attitudes and reactions) and not on the things you cannot (other people's attitudes and reactions).
• Adjust. This is where the hard part kicks in.  Whether or not you agree with the changes, your behavior (how you respond to the change) can be modified.  You'll want to commit to keeping an open mind and maintaining the 'big picture' as you shift your perspective.
• Accept the help of colleagues, friends, coaches.  Actively seek out people who can help you through the transition and encourage you to see things in a positive light.  Most everyone has had to adjust at one point or another in life, and hearing their stories of how they were resilient can serve as great encouragement.

Fast-forward fifteen years and here I sit at a table in the open, outdoor square of my little neighborhood, fringed with restaurants and bars and stores, and lots of people. Teenagers looking at their phones, trainers hunting for Pokemon, teetering toddlers climbing on the steps with parents hovering close by. A random camera guy taking photos of people and things, an old couple in matching shirts resting their weary shopper legs, lovers kissing, and friends and families eating dinner. I am sitting here alone, in a little dress with my hiking-sandaled feet kicked up on a chair, seeking a moment of respite at the end of 9 hours in front of a computer screen. I'm sipping on a glass of wine, relaxed and content.  I am people watching (obviously). I don't care if they notice me or not. I look them in the eyes and say hi. Or don't. I chat with a four year old with messy hair about the truck in his hand and smile at his mom. I feel confident. An attractive lady and her older boyfriend walked by and then she turned back, looked at me and said, "You look so cool sitting there sipping your wine with your red bicycle. Like a scene out of Paris. You just need flowers." I added, "and a very handsome Frenchman." They laughed and walked on, and I thought to myself, "You've come a long way, baby."  The ease of the entire situation was a banner of success in my fifteen-year pursuit of learning to adapt to change.

Then with the next sip of wine I inhaled too quickly and choked, so violently that I gagged and the wine threatened to come out my nose. I tried to suppress my cough, shoulders shaking in odd spasms, tears dripping down my face. So much for the chic, Parisian look of cool collectiveness.  Though my personality agility is definitely on the upturn, I'm obviously still awkward as all get out.  But at least nowadays it's a confident awkwardness.

"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin