How to live a beautiful life

Someone told me yesterday that my world sounds so easy, and fun, and that they wished they had my life. And though I took it as a compliment, I had to laugh. My life, really?! If they only knew...!

It's all about perspective, isn't it? I do not lead any more of a blessed life than the next, (or any worse for the wear than the next). I am simply learning the art of cropping. Reframing. Like when we snap a photo of a beautiful nature scene, and see that it's not centered, or that an unsightly road sign or electrical wires or trash are showing in the picture, we immediately open up our photo editing software and crop, leaving only the desired subject. In reality the undesirables are still there but we've reframed it so our focus is on the beauty instead of the blemishes.

We have to do the same to live a beautiful life. This month I admit I have led an enviable life. I have drunk in the scandalous scent of lavender and lilacs, watched the orange pink sun rise in the morning's first light, and squinted in the glimmer of sun rays dancing on a shimmering lake. I have heard the sweet harmonies of my daughter's voices and watched their speedy legs run across the finish line to victory. I've spent fun evenings with dear sweet elderly women and laughed at their stories of days gone by. I relaxed by the turquoise pool at my apartment, baked warm, fresh homemade bread and enjoyed drinks on a patio with a dear friend. I spent quiet peaceful alone time on a long morning run. I got a new job--two new jobs actually! and received a surprise refund from my cable company. On Mother's Day, I hiked along a sparkling stream with my girls and saw two magnificent moose in the wilderness of a national park. Yes, I live a very blessed life.

Yet in this very same month, I inhaled a lot of second-hand pot smoke, my least favorite scent, which wafts up from our neighbors below, barely saw the sunrise for the tall concrete buildings that block my morning view, and watched discarded McDonald's cups floating on the surface of a dirty lake. I heard my daughters say they looked ugly and watched them cry with disappointment after losing their races. I've spent exhausting evenings with frail old ladies who both admitted they have no purpose and are ready to die. I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and sleep in a too-small twin bed that makes my back ache, bake my own bread because I can't justify spending money on the good bread from the store, and haven't allowed myself to buy a bottle of wine for months in attempts to be frugal. I've felt lonelier for a life companion than I have in all my 15 years of divorce, doubted my purpose in life, and felt like a fat cow while attempting a slow morning run. I suddenly lost 20 hours of my primary job and had to work three part time jobs at 60+ hours a week, so tiring, and wasn't sure how I would pay this month's rent not to mention other bills, cancelled cable, data and other luxuries just to make ends meet. On Mother's Day I spent the entire morning alone while my kids worked and took their stepmother out to brunch.

Same month. Same events. Two perspectives.

If we focus on the ugly parts of our lives, which we all experience, what an ugly life we'll lead! This isn't about pretending that the tough things aren't present, or being a naive Pollyanna; it's learning to hone in on the fantastic and not on the parts of life that drag us down. It's easier to do the latter, trust me, as I've spent hours, days, and weeks over the years wallowing in my miseries. But right alongside those woes is a whole wide world of wonder. If we're not careful, we'll miss the magical moments happening all around us, right now, because we're focused on the fodder.

We have friends right now whose daughter is in a battle for her life, and in each moment they don't know if she is going to make it. We have a dear friend who has lost use of her legs, racked with pain, and can't get outside to see the pink blossoms on the springtime trees. Yet all three of these saints remain positive, joyful, and full of hope. Their noble and faith-infused mindset inspires me beyond words.

So as you tumble out of bed on this fresh, new morning, and begin to go about your day, get out your photo editing software! Refuse to let the negatives define your day, your life. I know they are there, and they are heavy and difficult. I know. But the beauty and blessings are right there too, and they are equally light and lovely.

Don't you think it's a good day to begin to learn how to reframe? I'm up for the challenge! Some days I'm really good at it and other days I completely fail...but every day is a fresh new canvas just waiting for our splash of colors. What choice do we have other than to keep attempting to paint, something beautiful, each and every day?

I can't wait to see and hear about your photogenic lives as they unfold today...

The thrill of victory...

If you grew up in the 1970’s you may remember watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports on Sunday afternoons. I can still hear the inspiring intro music and ‘see’ the image of the guy wiping out on the ski jump. (If you’re a Millennial or if you forget, have a watch on you-tube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Asxr5v9arH4). Being from the Midwest where the sports of choice were basketball, and um, basketball (with an occasional football game thrown in), I always hoped the athletic endeavor featured on the program would be something unique and adventurous, far from squeaky gym floors, like surfing competitions in Hawaii or downhill ski racing in Colorado. And ingrained in my memory from each show are the announcer’s famous words:

 “The thrill of victory—and the agony of defeat.”

Isn’t that the truth? When we achieve something we have been striving for, oh, the thrill! And when we miss – it truly can be agonizing. When I was learning to water ski as a teenager at summer camp, I had weakling arms and hard a hard time holding onto the rope as the boat took off. I’d never been behind a ski boat before (remember I grew up in a gymnasium). I went down, time, and time again. It was discouraging, especially when other kids around me were able to get up and stay up…not to mention the boat was being driven by the ‘cool’ kids from southern California with their bleach-blonde hair and strong, tan physiques. Once the ski rope handle sprang back and smashed my fingernail, which later turned a lovely dark purple. I fell forward, I fell backwards, I caught an edge and flipped over completely, water up my nose and feeling like a drowned rat. Needless to say things weren’t going well. But I was determined to figure this out! After four classes chock-full of failed attempts, my feeble arms were finally able to hang on and found myself up on top of the water, gliding along, water spraying off the sides of my skis. The cool instructors in the boat cheered and I was grinning ear to ear.  Oh, the thrill of victory!

Now transition from sports to the corporate world. Think back on the projects that you have successfully completed – what a thrill it is to accomplish something you’ve worked so hard on for weeks! But along with victories come discouraging moments when our efforts do not pan out--and the frustration that accompanies our defeats can be agonizing. 

Possessing a strong achievement drive is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a quality that is well worth developing. People with the competency tend to have a strong set of personal and professional standards and are always striving to improve. They seem to have an expectation of excellence in everything they do and are committed to continual learning. They are not quick to quit. They are able to try, try, and try again until they reach their objectives. Do you know anyone like this?

Not all of us can boast on this as a strong point. I may have been determined to water ski that summer, but there have been many projects I have started and haven’t finished, like writing that book, or learning that new skill, or continuing to move toward a goal at work when I received a lot of push back. Achievement drive is a quality I without doubt need (and want) to cultivate and grow.

The good thing about emotional intelligence is that it can be learned and developed, with the help of good self-assessment and solid coaching, and there are some developmental tips we can begin working on to start the growth process. Obviously we need to start by setting a goal. Use the “SMART” acronym can help you clearly define your goal and make it attainable.  Ask yourself, is my goal, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timed? (Learn more about SMART goals here:  http://topachievement.com/smart.html)

But establishing a goal is often not the hard part – it’s the getting there that presents the challenge. Here are some steps to take to move toward accomplishment:

• Determine the whys behind your desire to achieve the goal. What emotional pulls are driving your desire for success? Write these down. Knowing what these are can be a huge motivator to spur you forward.
• Jot down the risks you face in working toward the goal and compare those with the joys of achieving the goal. Which carry more weight for you, and why?
• Each day, attempt to do at least one thing that moves you toward your goal, even if it is a very small step. It may be as simple as researching a website, or picking up your phone to make a call to get information. Every move toward that goal is a piece of the success.
• Track your accomplishments. Keep a daily log or journal to mark achievements, no matter how small they may seem.

I love what Harvey Mackay, columnist and author, says about goals:

“A dream is just a dream.  A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline.”

As a side note -- sometimes, the journey toward achievement can take you down a few paths that may seem like rabbit trails. And they well may be. Think of how often you get online to ‘check’ something and end up watching you tube videos (of the Wide World of Sports from 1978!)  While you do not want to be deterred from your goal, don’t be afraid to explore these trails, always keeping the endgame in mind. Sometimes the discoveries along the way will open new doors and give you fresh ideas as to how to enhance the excellence of your goal. The important thing to do is to keep moving.  As Martin Luther King, Jr. said in his "I Have a Dream" speech, “And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back.”

We’ve all heard how many times Edison failed before he got the light bulb to work.  But I like how he framed the process: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Don’t get discouraged when you hit roadblocks. You will hit them and they will slow you down. But there are always ways to get around them and if you stick with it, you will find them, so you may keep heading down the road to the thrill of victory.

Finding your decompression chamber

Each morning I  walk about a mile from the train station to get to my office. At the end of the day I make the same trek in reverse. Colleagues who hear that I ‘have’ to walk so far each day offer their condolences. My kindhearted coworkers regularly offer me a ride, especially when the wind is whipping up or the rain is pounding down. I often decline.

What they don’t realize is that the walk is one of my favorite parts of the day. I climb steep steps, cross a footbridge above the freeway, meander along neighborhood sidewalks, and take a short jaunt through my ‘woods’, a clump of mature trees that casts a shady retreat for the green grass below,  a distinct contrast to the concrete jungle that surrounds  it. This daily walk has become my decompression chamber of sorts…that place in between the stressors of life where I feel no stress. Something about moving my legs, breathing in fresh air, and being out in nature, though only for a brief 15 minutes, relieves my worries and cares that have built up either on the morning commute or during the work day.

We often think of stress as the troublesome things that happen to us and around us, the tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. But in actuality, stress is internal. It is our somatic response to external events that are perceived as taxing. From the website http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037 we learn this: “When you encounter a perceived threat — a large dog barks at you during your morning walk, for instance — your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.”  Wayne Dyer, philosopher, author and speaker, aptly states it this way:

“The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs. You can’t package stress, touch it, or see it. There are only people engaged in stressful thinking.”

That being said, how does your ‘stressful thinking’ appear in your day to day life? Maybe it shows up as moodiness or anxiety. Other signs may include dry mouth, nervous laughter, inability to think clearly, tears, impulsive behavior, headaches, fatigue, tense muscles, to name a few . We’ve all experienced one or many of these on occasion. Maybe for you it’s every day – or every hour of every day. Though normal under trying circumstances, these behaviors can be self-defeating and can lead to much more serious symptoms if left unattended. When stressors and their symptoms are ever-present, our “fight or flight’ reaction stays in “on” mode. Over a prolonged period of time, this creates an overexposure to stress hormones that can throw most all of our body's processes out of whack, and puts us at risk for health issues such as anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, depression, heart disease, weight gain, sleep problems, and concentration impairment. 

Not only can poorly managed stress contribute to health problems, it can elicit other unhealthy behaviors like excessive eating or drinking, criticism toward others, negativity, and procrastination. Think back on the last time you felt a high degree of stress. Did this affect your outlook on life in general and/or influence the way you treated others?

Situations that cause us to feel stress are a part of everyday life and they’re probably not going away any time soon.  But there are coping mechanisms we can develop to navigate them when they do occur. Those who have developed this emotional intelligence competency of stress management can sense early on when they are experiencing rising agitation, and can maintain composure to minimize hostile reactions. They have learned to not sweat the small stuff and have developed a high tolerance for frustration. It’s not that they don’t feel frustrated, or enjoy being frustrated—they just have learned to stomach it in a manner that doesn’t cause upset. Good stress managers know when to push for what they want and when to back off. They have learned to make choices that have a positive effect versus ones that drag them down.

If the way you typically respond to difficult situations is not working that well for you, it’s time to make a shift.  How? The simple answer is this:

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” –William James.

Nicely put but difficult to do.

So how do we begin to choose a different set of thoughts?

First of all, learn to recognize what you are feeling, in the moment. Take note of the symptoms that you are experiencing most often. What sort of situations trigger these emotions and reactions?  Is there a different way to deal with the stressful situations that can help you avoid some of these symptoms?

Secondly, we need a go-to toolkit of stress management techniques ready and available to pull out of our pocket when needed. Here are some ideas – which of these could work for you during your day?

• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Take a walk/exercise
• Listening to music
• Practicing thankfulness
• Making a to-do list
• Laugh and/or make others laugh
• Take a nap or go to bed earlier that night
• Prayer
• Avoidance (take a break from the people and/or situations that cause stress)
• Visualization
• Doing something fun
• Talking to a friend
• (add in your own)

I realize not everyone may get to take a 15 minute walk to and from the train station on each side of the workday, but I hope you can take a moment to discover your own decompression chamber before the effects of continued stress take their toll.

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” –Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

- See more at: http://the-iseiblog.com/finding-your-decompression-chamber/#sthash.BnkhQUv8.dpuf

Happy Mother's Day to Single Parents

Happy Mother's Day to all, and a special shout-out to single parents, both moms and dads, whom I have a special heart for. I know today for you may not be ripe with the traditional Mother's Day rituals you are seeing on social media. I doubt that you got to sleep in or that anyone made you breakfast in bed (or if you did, you had to help them make it!). You probably didn't receive a bouquet of flowers, get a massage certificate or get treated to a day alone at your favorite spa. Most likely you don't have enough money to eat out for dinner, or if you did splurge you feel guilty because you have bills to pay. No one wrote a paragraph about you on Facebook shouting your praises on what an amazing wife or husband you are. You may even have to share the children you gave birth to with a step dad or step mom today and are sitting alone right now.

I know at times the road has been rocky. There have been days when your kids didn't understand why you did what you did, gave you the silent treatment, or threw a temper tantrum, and you didn't have any emotional support to lean into during those times. I know you have worked extra jobs, worried about making ends meet, and have layed in bed alone at night wondering if you will be on your own the rest of your life? I know at times it has been excruciatingly lonely.

But I hope you can still celebrate today, no matter your circumstances, because single-handedly you have most likely raised children who are appreciative of littlest of things, who have learned to live without, and been taught to give thanks for what they do have. They are resourceful, and not spoiled, and don't expect things to just come their way. They are resilient and well-equipped to handle the challenges of real life.

Maybe today you can sit down and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. Or take a little nap. Or buy yourself a flower, find a Groupon for a dinner out, or start saving for that massage. Though you may not feel appreciated at times, and are weary, and lonely, please know you are loved and respected and valued! Take delight that you have successfully navigated yet another year of single parenting, and that you are blessed beyond measure just getting to raise children who are good human beings--a gift to this world.  I don't think there is any greater joy.

Initiative & Bias for Action

Years back I was at lunch with a woman who confided that she was in a good deal of debt. As we talked, I could tell that the debt was causing her a substantial amount of consternation, like a burdensome weight hanging heavily around her neck. After a long conversation, I asked her about her plans to get rid of it. Her response? “I’m hoping for a windfall”.

There seem to be two prevailing beliefs on how to get the things we want in life:  Some people are banking on their windfalls – to win the lottery, to receive that inheritance from the unknown relative, or just waiting for the right doors to open. Then there are others who not only are out there knocking on the doors they want to open but can often be found with a helmet on beating them down. When you want something, which way do you tend to lean?

I have to admit at times I’ve camped out in the first scenario. But I have a good excuse (don't we always?). One Christmas about 7 years ago I received a phone call from a dear friend I hadn’t spoken with for years. She said they wanted to buy me a new car. She said to go pick out what I wanted then let them know how much it was and they’ll take of the rest. Not kidding. For a good time after that, it was hard to not to be on the lookout for more of these unexpected windfalls.

But reality is, phone calls like that don’t happen every day. And if there is something out there that we want, it usually falls upon us to take some initiative to make it happen. I like what George Bernard Shaw said:

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”

By now you’ve probably heard of the story of the boys from Koh Panyee, a floating village in the south of Thailand, who in 1986 wanted to become the world soccer champions. Problem is, they had no soccer field on which to practice, because of the limited space in their village that consisted of makeshift docks surrounded by water. A soccer field when there was no pavement or grass in sight? Seems impossible, right? But that did not stop the boys. They decided to build their own field out of every scrap piece of wood they could find. If you haven’t seen the short video – click here for one of the more inspirational stories you will ever witness: http://www.dawn-productions.com/videos/make-the-difference/

How is your initiative and bias for action? Are you proactive and persistent at working toward your goals, or do you let procrastination and other hurdles keep you from acting on opportunities? Which of these characteristics best describe your methodology to achieving what you want? You:

• are ready to seize opportunities and jump on them when they arise
• have a hard time quitting something you’ve started
• are happy to pick up new responsibilities that lie outside of your normal scope of work
• not only reach your initial goals but go above and beyond them
• refuse to procrastinate when you have deadlines to meet
• plan ahead
• are not overly cautious or unwilling to take risks
• are able to bend the rules if necessary to get the job done
• take action before outside circumstances force you to
• are able to mobilize others with your enterprising efforts
• want more out of life than your basic needs being met
• consistently strive to do more and be more

Developing emotionally intelligent traits of initiative and bias for action can be accomplished, one small step at a time, with the help of a coach, a healthy dose of self-awareness, and some good old fashioned hard work. But like the soccer-playing boys of Koh Panyee, the effort it takes is paled next to the reward of attaining your sought-after goals.

How is your conflict-resolve working for you?

I often get accused of being passive-aggressive when it comes to resolving conflict. And I don’t deny it. Well, at least not the entire accusation. When conflict arises, I am passive but I am not aggressive. I’m not a yeller, I don’t explode, and I’ve never thrown things or slapped someone in the face like they do so promptly (and somehow seemingly consequence-free) in the movies. Remember when Scarlett threw the vase at Rhett? (Me either, it was a little before my time, but I’ve heard about it.)  When in conflict I tend to camp out in Wayne Dyer’s mindset when he said, “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” But my lack of vase-throwing does not elevate me above those who do. My passiveness is equally hurtful and unhelpful in conflict resolve. It drives people nuts, especially those who tend to be competitive or controlling. Heck, it drives me nuts! Why can’t I just voice my opinion, yell a little, and get mad?!

Just a few weeks ago I received a phone call from someone carrying quite a bit of pent-up anger directed toward me. (These are rare, mind you, lest you think I’m a high-conflict sort of person). She was upset, to say the least, and I could hear a shaky anger in her voice. She became quite vocal, asked me questions but answered them herself, and even threw out a bit of name-calling. 

I know her words probably should have riled me up, but they didn’t. When she reached her peak of spewing, I sensed the blank expression on my face and could actually feel a cloud of grey, emotionless fog creeping into my bones. I wasn’t tuning her out. I actually heard her quite nicely (because she was very loud at that point), and think I understood where she was coming from. It’s just that she’s someone who gets angry often, at many people, and I’ve learned to separate her stress from my stress. She gets upset but that doesn’t mean I have to get upset. Nevertheless--my passiveness, though it may protect my heart in moments such as these, actually escalated her anger and didn’t help with the conflict resolution one bit.

I have always carried a bit of guilt about my lack of Scarlett-ness when it comes to conflict resolve because so many people have told me it’s not healthy. Well-meaning friends have actually chided me to show my anger, to punch something! Passiveness is my own brand of avoidance, I’ll admit. But sometimes it really seems to work to de-escalate a situation. Yet other times, like on the recent phone call, it just makes things worse...which leaves me not feeling so great about my problem solving skills.

So is avoidance good or bad?! I only recently learned, from the work of Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in 1974, creators of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) to assess an individual’s behavior in conflict, that there are different approaches to resolving conflict and each approach is correct –depending upon the moment. The 5 Conflict Resolution Styles they came up with are:

• Competing
• Compromise
• Avoidance
• Collaboration
• Accommodation

Who would’ve known?  I’ve always thought there was one best practice to resolving conflict, and knew I didn't have it. I figured I just needed to be more assertive. And the thing is, I do. At times. But sometimes, I need to be more accommodating. And other times, a little more compromising would do the trick. It’s not that one way is any better or worse than another way --it’s just a matter of figuring out WHICH method is most appropriate for the situation at hand. 

So how do we know when to use which style of conflict management? Authors of  the book Competence in Interpersonal Conflict, William Cupach and Daniel Canary, said this, 

“There is little value in preparing a cookbook of recipes for conflict success. The effects of conflict interaction depend directly on what the participants do mentally with conflict behaviors – that is, how they process and interpret those behaviors.”

Regrettably there’s not an easy formula to use, an ‘input = output’. I’d love to tell you that when this happens, do this, and when that happens, do that, but these things called human beings are involved in interpersonal conflict.  Living, breathing, feeling humans with erratic behavior, differing backgrounds and all levels of maturity and ability to manage their own emotions. Not to mention what you bring to the table. And when these feelings clash in passionate discourse, the ability to choose the correct conflict management style can be difficult to say the least. We have to use social and emotional intelligence – the ability to read, in the moment, our own emotions and those of others, and manage them appropriately. In the moment. That’s the hard part. Because in the heat of the moment is when it’s extremely difficult to exercise any kind of control, but in the heat of the moment is when we need to use social and emotional intelligence the most!

And we all have our go-to, preferred style when it comes to managing conflict. What’s yours?  Know that this is normal. We develop it based upon our past experiences of what has worked – and what hasn’t, even from our early childhood. We also learn our style based upon the corporate culture in which we work. For example, in your office, how is conflict typically resolved? Are there frequent blow-ups? Does your manager immediately call a meeting? Do certain coworkers avoid other coworkers? Sometimes we tend to go with the flow of ‘how things are’ in our work environments and adopt those styles as our own. As well, we can learn our own style of conflict resolve based upon observing others and seeing what works (and doesn’t work) for them.

No matter your current style of conflict resolve, it doesn’t mean you can’t stretch yourself to learn a new way of operating. Phyllis Bottome, a British novelist, put it this way:

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties:  You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them.” 

Since most conflicts that arise can’t exactly be altered, as they’ve already taken place, our choice is how we alter ourselves to meet them.

Learning to use each of these styles, depending upon the situation, will increase our interpersonal effectiveness and ability to work well with others. Let’s look at the 5 styles to 1-see which best describes you and 2-learn when using this style is most effective:

The Competitor.  You are assertive and aggressive, and tend to dominate disagreements. You demonstrate little concern for the opinion of others. While this method can be hurtful and stifling to the other parties involved, the Competitor is vital in situations where decisiveness is necessary. Emergencies in which quick action is needed cry out for the Competitor, often when the issue requires an unpopular action.   

The Compromiser.  You are cooperative and assertive and act as a bridge between team members. You are agreeable to both sides of the conflict and can see the benefits of both viewpoints. The danger in this is that you are seen as not having a firm set of values, and at times you may not even recognize what you stand for. But the Compromiser is very beneficial to situations where a temporary settlement is called for on issues that are more complex, or when you need to find short-term solutions for the benefit of the relationship.

The Avoider.  You (me) can easily shrug off conflict. You refuse to engage in heated arguments, never let your temper rise and quickly disconnect from the other person’s viewpoint. Though this style can delay problem-resolve, and if overused breeds a lack of empathy, it is helpful when there are more pressing matters to tackle to keep everyone focused on what is important.  The Avoider can ‘turn down the heat’, (you’ve heard the saying it takes two to tumble) and slow things down so all of the information needed to resolve the conflict can be gathered. 

The Collaborator.  You are a good listener and like the Compromiser, able to cooperate and assert your opinions simultaneously; however, you actively seek to find a resolution so both sides win. You can be taken advantage of by more assertive team members, but this style is crucial when the objective is to integrate differing points of view and keep the team intact.

The Accommodator.  Harmony and cooperation are important to you. You are willing to put aside your own needs out of concern for the others and for the sake of the team. Though you tend to resist changes that are inevitable, this style is valuable when it is important to keep the peace or elevate positivity. Being accommodating is a good style to use when you realize you are wrong, or need to be the voice of reason. The Accommodator's influence has a long reach and when conflict comes up again down the road,  teammates remember that you were willing to see things from a different point of view. 

So there you go. Easy as pie, huh? Just pick the right style for the right situation and you’re set!  We all know it is easier said than done, and learning to navigate conflict resolve with ease can take a lifetime. But we may as well get busy figuring this out, as conflict is a part of being human. Saul Alinsky, community organizer and writer, sums it up with this:

 ”Conflict is a part of life. Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict.” 

 Conflict is not going away. But learning to deal with it in a healthier, more productive style can be learned. And the rewards of learning how to use the correct style of conflict management for the right occasion will bring us the gift of healthier, stronger interpersonal relationships.

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” – Richard Bach