When A Friendship Ends

Have you ever had a friend tell you they can't be your friend anymore?

Business partnerships, romantic relationships, and casual acquaintances come and go, and cause upset when they end, but we seem to attach a little more expectations of longevity to the relationships we call friendship. A friend is a person we know in depth, with whom we hold a special bond of mutual affection, (usually exclusive of sexual or family relations). They're our companion. Our confidant. One we can trust, rely upon, who will stand by us no matter what. But there are times when a friendship, for various reasons, can't withstand the sands of time. And it hurts.

When friendships come to a close, whether temporarily due to extenuating circumstances or permanently because of unhealthy habits, the pain you feel can trigger a number of reactions:

• Sadness.   You've suddenly lost someone dear to you. This can cause intense sorrowful feelings of emptiness.
• Revenge.  I know, it's immature, and equally hurtful, but we've all been there.  She has the gall to hurt me?  I'll just send a snippy little text back...
• Anger.  You invested a lot of your time, energy and heart into this friend.  And they think they can just walk away?  Now I'm mad...
• Global negativity. It's that feeling that this one event is indicative of your overall well-being and breeds thoughts of "here we go again" and  "see, nothing ever works out for me".
• Knee-jerk desperation. You're immediately hit with a vast, empty hole that the friend once filled, and it does not feel good.  Fine, I'll just replace them with someone new..."Next?!"

Which do you tend to choose?

While each of these emotions are valid, wallowing in any one too long will only retard your healing. And a word of warning: take care to be mindful of your actions while feeling these powerful emotions. Before you act -- stop and ask, "Will this help or hurt the situation in the long run?" While full of passion, actions based on emotion alone, without the wisdom of reason, can cause even more damage to both parties.

Resiliency, or grit, is that ability to bounce back after setbacks. Some of us have it, and some of us don't, especially when we're faced with something tough, like the loss of a friend, or other setbacks and failures. But it is a competency of emotional intelligence that can be learned and developed. Here are some quick tips that may be of help when faced with a painful loss:

1. Take care of yourself. We can't be resilient when we're lacking sleep, are malnourished, not exercising, or overly-stressed.
2. Challenge negative 'self-talk'. Ask yourself, "Is there any evidence to back up this self-doubt I'm feeling?" Probably not.
3. See disappointments as temporary, short-term and isolated. What just happened is specific to this particular circumstance, and most likely not applicable to your life as a whole.
4. Seek support from those in your life who care about you. Lean into your other friends and family and don't try to go it alone.
5. Do something that brings you rest and renewal. Can you get away for a few days to your favorite place? Go dancing? Take a long nap? Think about what brings you joy, and treat yourself to that luxury if possible.
6. Learn from others. It always helps to see what others are going through, and discover how they worked through their own disappointments. Outward thinking puts the situation into perspective and gets our mind off ourselves.

"Your choice:  victim or victor."  -- Author unknown

Loss of a friendship, or anything we hold near and dear, is tough. At times, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. But we humans are created to be resilient. We can do tough things. We can bounce back and persevere in the face of setbacks, and with some hard work, grit, and persistence...we will.

Emojis to help with emotional self-awareness

I heard an interesting broadcast about a new app that a bright and creative Millennial is developing to help young people better cope with feelings of depression and suicide. The app is called Mood Ring and uses emojis--which some call the language of Millennials-- to log the user's feelings, with alarms that go off when too many "negative" mood emojis are recorded. The alarm triggers one of three friends, previously set up as an accountability team, in real time, to reach out to the user to check in.

The ability to be self-aware of how we are feeling in the moment, and why, is a key component of emotional intelligence. In an time where many  in the age group I call "older than Millennials" have a tendency to find fault with our younger generation ("they never want to work", and "they don't know how to communicate" are a few I've heard recently, to my chagrin), it's satisfying to learn of someone who not only understands the nature of the struggles at hand but is willing to create solutions that are applicable.

Here's an excerpt from this morning's interview:  

"STORM WHITE: Yeah, so we're often inspired by stories like the ones we just heard. And we wanted to create a platform that replicates the friendship and the bond we just heard of. And so that's kind of where Mood Ring, the name of our app, come in. It's an app that allows young people to track how they're feeling using emojis.

GREENE: These are the emojis that we're familiar with like on mobile devices? I mean, the smiley faces, the sad faces.

WHITE: Yeah, it was a playful way to address something that's really serious. So we wanted it not to be so dark."

Watch/read the entire broadcast here: http://www.npr.org/2016/03/23/471543322/that-moody-teenager-may-be-depressed-but-there-is-help

What's in a Smile?

Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

In a split second, are you able to determine the emotional state of the person across from you? Some researchers say you can, and being able to do this can increase your social intelligence -- that ability to, in the moment, to be aware of others' emotions and use that information to manage your relationships.

Remember the relationship god Nick Marshall became in the movie What Women Want when he suddenly could hear what others were thinking? Just imagine how much more effective we could be in leading our teams and inspiring our co-workers if we knew exactly what they were feeling!  

As we connect with others, we tend to emotionally mirror -- that unconscious reaction that happens in a split second when our inferior frontal gyrus recognizes someone's facial expression and tells us to mimic it. When they smile, we smile. When they frown, we frown. And it's this mirroring that can help us better tune into others' emotions. 

"A pair of US psychologists in 2011 found people who used botox, a popular anti-wrinkle treatment that freezes muscles, wereless able to judge others' emotions compared to subjects who only used dermal fillers (which plump the skin rather than freeze it). "

Interesting, huh? Apparently not being able to mirror interrupts vital emotional brain signals necessary to correctly interpret emotions.

Apart from mirroring, there are many competencies of social intelligence that we can develop and strengthen to better read how others are feeling. Which skills from this list, if developed, would be most helpful to you in navigating your relationships at the office?

• empathy
• situational awareness
• service orientation
• communication
• interpersonal effectiveness
• powerful influencing skills
• conflict management
• inspirational leadership
• catalyzing change
• building bonds
• teamwork and collaboration
• coaching and mentoring others
• building trust

Just being aware of your strengths and weaknesses in these areas can give you a good start down the road of behavior change -- and tuning in to how your teammates are feeling. Read more of this interesting article by Belinda Smith here:  Why smiles and frowns are contagious 

The 4 reasons your employees and looking for a new job

So you’ve recently had a few employees give you their two-week notice, and you have to admit, you were blindsided. You thought these team members were engaged, receiving on-the-job fulfillment, and honestly, loving coming into the office every day. Where did you miss?

They tell you it’s because they were offered higher compensation or found something closer to their career goals, but is that really why they looked elsewhere? Studies show that the four primary reasons for people quitting their jobs are:

• I don’t like my boss
• I feel no empowerment
• I don’t like the internal politics going on
• My manager/boss doesn’t recognize my accomplishments

"What do these four things have in common? They can all be tied back to poor leadership, specifically the leader's emotional intelligence -- how in touch a leader is with their professional emotions and those of the people they lead." -- David Hults

That’s a strong statement.

When an employee quits, you have choices. As a leader, can do the easiest thing and dismiss the employee as ‘not a good fit’, fill their spot with a new warm body, and move on. Or (and this is the more challenging route to take), you can stop and reflect upon your leadership style to see if it is having a negative effect on your team members. Are you an inspirational leader, one who motivates others to reach their fullest potential? Does your leadership style guide and mobilize individuals to feel a sense of belonging within your company, inspiring them to jump on board with the vision and pursue their roles with excitement and passion? Or is the way you are leading others causing them to feel disengaged, undervalued, and dismissed?
Inspirational leadership is a quality that can be developed, with the help of self-assessment, a coach, and a willingness to modify the way you’re currently doing things. If you sense your leadership could be one of the reasons your team members are “moving on”,  here are some solid goals to begin working toward:

• Articulate your company’s vision in a way that compels your team members to want to be a part of it.  Share with them your passions about the ‘why’ of company direction.

• Be open to creative ideas and fresh perspectives. Maybe it doesn’t actually have to be your way or the highway.

• Be authentic.  Your employees can see right through any attempts of putting on a facade or being someone you are not.

• Openly discuss high-level issues with your team members and seek their input.

• Attempt to match each individual’s talents, skills, and aspirations with the tasks/opportunities at hand to avoid micro managing. To do this, you will have to get to know your team members, and learn what really motivates them. You may be surprised that what motivates you may not motivate them!

• Don’t forget to share the credit for successes with ALL of your team members — not just those you feel are most important. Remember everyone on your team plays a role in your team’s accomplishments.

• Act with integrity at all times or your employees will not respect your leadership.

Want to dive more deeply into this one? Read David Hults’ interesting article here:  Your leadership style reveals your emotional intelligence

What's Keeping You From Your Dream Job?

A few weeks ago I sat around the table at a restaurant with a group of friends, pondering the deep issues of life. I asked the group, as a whole, a couple of questions I love to propose to 40-50 somethings well down their successful career paths, because one, it gives me a little deeper insight into each of my friends, and two, it spurs me in my own quest of being more intentional. The first question? "If you kept doing the job you are doing now, until the day you die, would you be a happy man/woman?"

The "until the day you die" part always gets a laugh. Images of ourselves still working with wrinkled skin and tired bodies and grayed hair passing out smiley face stickers at Walmart flash through our minds. Those in their prime don't naturally spend a substantial amount of time thinking about the end of their days...we're far too busy with keeping up with the present. But upon my insisting, for the moment, my companions indulge me. There is always one person at the table who quickly answers with a resounding "Yes!  I love what I do!" and they launch into the heartfelt story of their life work and how fulfilling they find it to be. "I'm so lucky" is the normal conclusion to this narrative, as the rest of us sit there, with an uneasy mix of emotions (inspiration/envy/regret) stirring in our core. The remainder of the group, and it is almost always the other 9/10 people in the group, respond to the question with either a sheepish grin or a violent look of utter repulsion. "Until the day I die -- no way?!"  "Um, no, if I could find something else next week I would!", "Wow, that's a long way away -- I hope not, but you know, it pays the bills..."

When the answer is no,  it's fun to dig a little deeper.  "If you could do anythingyou wanted -- your dream job -- no matter the impact it would have on your finances, status, anything! -- what would it be?" This is when the conversation gets interesting. With the barriers of what we're 'supposed' to do, or 'expected' to do, or 'need' to do lifted, creative, colorful descriptions of dream careers begin to unfold.  "I wanted to go into interior design..."  "I always have wanted to write..."  "I'd like to get paid to travel..."  One friend told me once they always wanted to rescue polar bears.  Not kidding. "I wish I could help people in need more directly..."  "I've always wanted to have that place on the beach..." The tales go on and on. It's funny, most are hesitant at first--almost embarrassed--to admit what their dreams are made of.  It's as if speaking of something so removed from what seems practical is almost a sin. Or silly at least. It's interesting to watch the faces come alive as indulge in the fantasy. Their eyes light up and they get that dreamy, far away look as if imagining, for a moment, how different life would look if it had 'played out' down that path.

You can guess my follow up question, which often takes just a breath of liveliness from the conversation, turning it bittersweet. "So what's stopping you from pursuing it?" Silence. Crickets. A shoulder shrug, hands thrown up, a smug sneer. You know the answers. Just ask yourself the same question if you're a "no" person. Money, responsibilities, 'We have kids now', I can't switch careers at this point in life, I'd have to take classes, I wouldn't know where to start....on and on the varied--yet very valid--excuses erupt.

Intentionality. It's that ability to live our life in a way that is intended and planned to reach a desired outcome. It's thinking and acting on purpose, deliberately, making small, everyday choices that lead us to where we want to go. I think Jack Welch said it well:  "Control your own destiny, or someone else will."

People with this competency of emotional intelligence are able to make decisions that are consistent with their goals. Their objectives and subsequent actions are a good match. They are clear about what they want to happen in their lives, and make consistent effort to get there. In other words, they create the life they want.

If you're someone who can answer with a "Yes, I love my work", then good for you. You are a rare breed and could be a huge help in motivating the rest of us to follow in your footsteps. If not-- take heart. The terrific thing about competencies of emotional intelligence is that where we are, today, isn't necessarily where we have to be tomorrow. Emotional intelligence can be learned and we don't have to stay stuck. Being more intentional is something we can learn, nurture, and develop, and it can be done by taking very small first steps. For starters, think of one thing--just one--that you would like to accomplish before you die. List out the reasons you have for not getting there yet. I know, they are valid reasons. Look at your list, acknowledge them, validate them...then set them aside. In a new column -- list one step, one single small step that you could take this week to make a shift toward that goal. Maybe it's researching the options to take that class, or talking to others who are successful in that area, or just allowing yourself to journal to begin dreaming again. Giving yourself permission to embrace the astonishment and joy that comes with actively creating richer, more meaningful work and experiences can grant you the belief that you do have a say in your destiny. Because you do.

I like what Benjamin Disraeli, a British politician, writer, and two-time prime minister, said:

"We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance." 

I realize you may never want to sit with me at my dinner table. These questions are uncomfortable, and can make us squirm, and worst (best) of all go home with that nostalgic notion that maybe, just maybe, I could. Know that I'm right there with you. We all have unrealized dreams that can bring about regret if we dwell there too long. But just a touch of intentionality is like a fresh, light breeze that stirs change, like catching a whiff of springtime in the air after a long, cold winter. And it's this change that can lead to a strong headwind that fills our sails--sails that we all know have been sitting motionless way too long.

Just wait 'til you hear what I ask over dessert.