Initiative & Bias for Action: Cup by Cup

There’s nothing like a new year to get us motivated to make a change. Just skim your friends’ social media posts and you’ll most likely read a plethora of energized, excited-for-what’s-ahead resolutions. You’ve probably made a few yourself, even if you haven’t posted them for all to see. The start of a fresh calendar year is the natural motivator we need to prompt initiative and a bias for action.

But what happens in February, March, April, and onward is often a different story. As enthusiasm winds down, resolutions are sidetracked by life. Busy-ness, distractions, and discouragement can shift the best of intentions to a source of shame and guilt stemming from our lack of follow-through, which leaves many, yet again, to announce in December, "Can't wait for this one to end!"

“You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.” – Henry Ford

Having a bias for action is actually a competency of social + emotional intelligence. Those who have it are able to create opportunities and seize them, not letting things like the red tape of bureaucracy and other external circumstances slow them down. They are often risk-takers and go forward with boldness in pursuit of the hopes, dreams, and plans. They accomplish their goals and move on to climb taller mountains. But those who do not possess this quality–and we all know the type–probably because we are one of them in some shape or form–are waiting, waiting, waiting for something good to come their way. They often are procrastinators, operating out of either survival or crisis mode, need direction to get things done, and are known to give up easily when circumstances don’t lend a helping hand.

Which camp do you fall into?

A misnomer on being one who is proactive is that one has to take on something huge to make a difference. I love the story of Alex Scott, a little girl from Connecticut who was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, a type of childhood cancer that forms in the nerve tissue. Rather than give up, Alex decided to do something about it. At age four she asked her mom to help her set up a lemonade stand to raise money so that doctors could, in her words, “help other kids”. That first lemonade stand brought in profits of $2,000, and throughout her short lifetime of eight impactful years, her lemonade sales raised over $1 million toward cancer research and to this day continue to inspire as many as 10,000 volunteers, at over 2000 lemonade stands in her name, to make a difference in the lives of kids who are battling cancer.

Cups of lemonade!

The smallest of actions can bring about powerful results. The important thing is that you keep moving forward, keep squeezing those lemons and adding sugar, stirring faithfully, and get out there and sell that lemonade, even if it is cup by cup.

If you struggle with staying power, the good news is that there are ways to jump start your initiative and bias for action. Here are some small steps that will propel you forward when your start to lose steam:

·        Make a to-do list. As simple and overrated as this may sound, write down your goals and list out some simple, daily steps to get there. This list can serve as a guide when you begin to get off track.

·        Figure out what is tripping you up. Is it fear of failure? Do you have too many tasks on your plate? Are you stretched in too many directions? Are you allowing distractions to deter you from your goals? Attempt to identify your hurdles by writing them down. If you’re not sure, ask a friend or a trusted colleague, or seek out the help of a coach.

·        Tackle the tough jobs first. Every goal has aspects which are more enjoyable than others. Getting the ‘worst’ ones out of the way first frees you up to enjoy the rest of the project and helps you avoid procrastination down the road.

·        Focus on the things you CAN do and not on the things you CANNOT. Start with these ‘can-do’s’ and get some help on the ones that you just can’t tackle alone.

·        Revisit to your list of daily to-do’s and refocus on checking off the next item when you discover you are losing momentum.

I don't doubt you'll achieve your New Year's resolutions this month. But when the excitement begins to wane, remember the lemonade stand, and remind yourself that taking these small, basic steps can help you refocus and keep up the good fight, cup by cup.

“Have a bias towards action – let’s see something happen right now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away.”  -- Indira Gandhi

L-O-V-E: How to make it last

L, is for the way you look, at me

O, is for the only one, I see

V, is very very, extraordinary, and

E, is even more than anyone that you adore...

Most likely you're familiar with the jaunty 1965 Nat King Cole song. It's been the theme music in romantic comedies and played on radio stations for generations. It so very well describes the giddy, elevated feeling we experience when falling in love. Whether it be in a romantic relationship, a business partnership, a friendship, a new work team, or a new job -- the sparkling freshness at the beginning of a relationship can send you down the hallways dancing and humming. But it's not long after the wear and tear of life sets in that those feelings can quickly turn to disillusion and discouragement. We've all experienced it. What starts out as the opportunity of a lifetime turns into the ball and chain around our necks, similar to how that new car smell is so quickly replaced by the odorous aroma of abandoned fast food wrappers left lying on the floor.

Falling in love doesn't seem to be the issue. Staying in love is another story.

How do we prevent the adversities of life from ruining our relationships? Jack Canfield, an American author and motivational speaker, says this:

"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them." 

Research shows that people who are able to maintain a positive mindset have better relationships. Robert Ackerman, researcher at the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences (University of Texas), worked with middle school students to assess how well they resolved conflict with their parents, and videotaped the subjects for over 17 years. With nearly 20 years of data at his fingertips, he discovered that kids who grew up with loving, supporting parents, exercising positive communication and warmth, were more likely to experience adult romantic relationships that were positive.* To quote Ackerman:

“I think that studying more positive behaviors is important because it may shed more insight on how to better enhance romantic relationships.” 

How is your positivity--or lack of--affecting your relationships? If you struggle with letting negativity get a hold of you when life gets tough, here are a few things you could being to look at:

• What are your core beliefs about adversity? Do you see it as fate or something you can control? Do you see suffering as part of being human or a result of particular actions? Do you see setbacks as having long-term effects or are they short-lived?
• Start listening to your self-talk when adversity strikes. Do you tend to go to an "I can do this" place or a "I'm doomed" place?
• Ask an honest question: is there anything about the drama that accompanies adversity that you enjoy?
• Can you look back on past adversity and see that you overcame the obstacle and moved on, or are you still experiencing negative effects from that event to this day?

We all know it's not about having a happy, trouble-free life that brings joy. It's more about our ability to roll with the punches (resiliency) and allow the event(s) to shape us into better human beings. Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American artist and poet, put it this way:

“ The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

Finding a life coach to work with you to combat negative tendencies can be a good first step of heading down the road of positivity, which can lead to healthier, happier relationships. Though it doesn't happen overnight, behavior can be changed, and with some help you can begin to shift your focus from the negative to the positive.

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

Love was made for me and you

Love was made for me and you.

• (2013. Study finds good marriages more likely for teens of happy homes. University of Texas at Dallas News Center (n.d.): n. pag. Web. http://www.utdallas.edu/news/2013/3/21-22501_Study-Finds-Good-Marriages-More-Likely-for-Teens-o_article-wide.html?WT.mc_id=NewsHomePage).

Emotional Spring Cleaning

In some parts of the world, springtime is just around the corner. And as the weather turns warm and the sun peeks out from behind the grey, winter clouds, many of us turn our attention to spring cleaning. Something about the nesting we tend to do during a long, cold winter creates an innate desire to clean house and get a fresh start with the budding of spring. We open up the windows, organize a closet, and clear out the clutter. We get rid of things that no longer serve a purpose or are slowing us down.

Our emotional homes need a similar ritual of spring cleaning. When is the last time you spruced up your emotional well-being?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of how we are feeling, in the moment and respond accordingly. As well, it includes social intelligence, the ability to read how others are feeling in the moment and to manage your relationship with that person appropriately.

Emotional intelligence differs from our intellectual quotient in that it can be modified and improved. It's all about behavior and behavior can be changed! Increasing our emotional intelligence is a great way to clean house, emotionally, to rid ourselves of stumbling blocks and open the windows to the refreshing scent of emotional health.

What behaviors are you seeing in your own life that no longer serve a productive, positive purpose? Maybe it's an old hurt that you allow to continually rise to the surface and trigger anger. Maybe it is a cutting, sarcastic tone that causes damage to those on the receiving end. Maybe it is an inability to see your own worth and lead others with inspiration. We all have our areas that could use some sprucing up. But while most of us know how to use soap and water to clean our physical homes, where do we start to freshen our emotional homes?

Often the cleansing process begins with some accurate self-assessment, to pinpoint the things that are weighing us down. In the words of Cyla Warncke, freelance writer and journalist:

"By taking the time to identify and understand our baggage and making a conscious decision to  let go we free ourselves to experience life in a richer, deeper, more meaningful way."

What are some ways to begin your journey of accurate self-assessment? There are many tools on the market that can help. Here's an online quiz created by LiveHappy.com you can take to see how much emotional baggage you are carrying around: http://www.livehappy.com/self/quizzes/quiz-how-much-emotional-baggage-do-you-carry. You also can dive more deeply into your self-assessment by working with a life coach to help you discover the areas that could use some work. Good coaching, teamed up with an assessment such as the Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile® created by the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence® can give you an accurate, detailed evaluation of your current emotional state: (take our assessment free at http://www.theisei.com/PreviewVideoforCertCourse.aspx).

Once you've established the areas of your emotional health that need refreshing, the next step is to make sure you have the right tools to get the job done. There are four tools that anyone in an emotional cleanup project will need:

• Self-Awareness
• Other Awareness
• Self-Management
• Relationship Management

Howard Gardner laid the framework for these four quadrants in 1983 with his theory of multiple intelligences, and in 1998 Daniel Goleman introduced these quadrants as keys to emotional growth. But just knowing the tools you need doesn't necessarily get them into your hands. A shopping trip is in order. Again, I can't stress enough the importance of having a good coach, counselor, or colleague who you trust and can speak honestly into the crevices of your life that may be collecting dirt. Sometimes it just takes an outside eye to spot the cluttered areas that we don't notice on our own. And if you're at a loss as to where to start with finding someone to serve as a guide, here at the Institute we have a team of trained coaches who are experts in the field of social and emotional intelligence who can offer insight and direction down your emotional housecleaning.

If you're not ready to work with a professional on your emotional spring cleaning, there are many self-cleansing practices you can incorporate to jump start your emotional well being.

"Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort. " – Deborah Day

Many are just basic self-care for our physical bodies that quickly transfer to our emotional health. Get more sleep. Take a yoga class. Drink water. Check your diet and begin to replace unhealthy choices with more nutritious ones. Exercise. Meditate. Learn something new. Serve others. Dream. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Rest. Journal. Practice thankfulness. With a quick search on the internet you can find a multitude of resources to begin to give better care to your emotional self. Many creative ways to nourish your spirit can be found in this enjoyable read by Alison Miller: http://alisonimiller.com/spring-cleaning-for-the-soul-25-ways-to-nourish-your-spirit/. In addition, here at the Institute we offer online courses in social + emotional intelligence that can not only help you clean up your own emotional house but train you how to nurture it in others. Learn more at www.the-isei.com and click on the Classes tab.

Taking the time for emotional spring cleaning will not only give you a mental 'lift' but will clear away the clutter that may be preventing the emotional-well-being you long for. So as you get out your broom and dustpan this spring to tackle the task of cleaning your home, don't forget about doing some spring cleaning in your emotional home as well.

7 ways to make others avoid you at networking events

You know the drill. You don your best business attire, turn on your extroverted switch, write your name and company on the name tag with bold letters, then stride in with your head held high offering a firm but not-too-firm handshake, fully expecting the others to notice your confidence and professionalism as you enter the room. Despite your careful preparations, though, be ready: Most won't. (Find out why in #3 below).

If you've ever attended a professional networking event, either by choice or because your company sends you, you can't deny that though you claim you're there to 'just meet new people', secretly you hope to come away with a few business leads. I mean, that's the whole point. Establishing new business connections is a tried and true way to promote your business to people that your current marketing strategies may not be reaching. And while some people are great at networking with others, some, well, just aren't, and those that aren't are often the reason you find yourself glancing at the clock once too often and looking for the first opportunity to dash out the door to freedom (once you've used up your two free drink tickets of course).

The ability to connect with others, demonstrating compassion, sensitivity, and a true interest in their interests, is a rare skill and a valuable component of emotional intelligence. Those that are good at it can put others at ease, build rapport, and seem to attract new friends/contacts/clients without much effort. Truth is, they have most likely put a lot of effort into becoming more self-aware and 'other-aware' -- tuning into the wants, needs, and desires of the person across from them and responding accordingly. Those that lack interpersonal effectiveness tend to come across as selfish, arrogant, or a little 'rough on the edges.' Have you ever met any of the latter at a networking event?

Here are 7 ways you can make others want to avoid you at your next networking venue:

1. Tell others how great your company/product is before they ask. As soon as the introductions are over, be the first one to start talking about how great your company and products are and how everyone within earshot desperately needs what you sell/do, before you've even assessed if those in the conversation are interested or not. Be sure to use the phrase "you should" often.
2. Don't look people in the eyes while you're talking. Be sure to look 'out there' as you talk, as if your inspiration is coming from some far-away land of enchantment. If you look people in the eyes, you might notice they aren't listening and you'd have to adjust...yikes! In fact, just avoid eye contact in all circumstances.
3. Don't ask questions. A great way to make people want to avoid you is to only talk about yourself and your company, and never ask them questions about theirs. Remember, what you have to say is far more important than what they possibly could come up with, and this event is all about marketing yourself, right? If you express a genuine interest in them, they might start telling you about what they do, and you don't want that!
4. When others begin to share, don't pay attention. Get out your phone, send a quick text, glance at those around you, check out the attractive person by the food table, and by all means be thinking about what you're going to say next. Don't nod as they speak and never, ever ask them for more details so you can better understand what they do. If it seems like they're going to talk for more than 5 minutes, excuse yourself to go get that second drink.
5. Bore them with details. It's best you dive quickly and deeply into the intricate details of how your company was formed, why it was formed, the levels of training you've received, how many clients you have and the names of all of your branch office locations. Use a lot of acronyms. Tell them about the day when your wifi crashed and how you had to call the IT team and work with them for hours on the phone to get things resolved, making sure to share the ins and outs of the support call. Don't check in during your stories to see if people are interested and/or listening. Just keep talking! Remember everyone in your conversation circle came to the event just to hear about you. A good rule of thumb: Talk for 20+ minutes at a time without pausing or allowing others to chime in.
6. Brag! Tell others about every accomplishment for which you've been awarded, how far-reaching your clientele base is, how many times you've been published in the newspaper and featured on the local news. Tell them how your product is far better than anything your competitors produce be sure to throw out little masked insults toward other companies so they know that yours is superior.
7. Only talk about your work. Don't try to get to know people on a personal level first and don't share any personal details about who you are (vs. what you do). If you ask about their families, or what they do in their spare time, or if they love what they do, or if they are currently struggling through any personal issues, you might start to connect with them on a human level. And don't try to find things outside of work that you have in common, whether it be a shared interest in a sport, or a musical group, or a favorite vacation destination. Remember that connecting to people on a personal level might require a relationship rather than just being able to hand them your business card and be done with them.

A lack of self-awareness and other awareness can go a long way -- at least make people go a long way -- away from you! Approaching your next networking event as an opportunity to truly get to know others instead of it being all about you may be a good place to start. Tune in next time to how you're coming across and if possible, start making some shifts toward a more emotionally-intelligent approach for more successful business connections.

“Treat each event you attend and each person that you meet as if it were an appointment with your one of your best clients -- even if you are meeting that person for the very first time.” --Timothy M. Houston

Summer: A Time of Refreshing

Stress. A quick Google search tells us stress is "a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances." I don't know about you, but May can bring with its flowers a multitude of demanding circumstances. It's a month of must-do's, especially if you have school-aged children. 'Tis the season for the 'final final' of every club, activity, sport, and academic arena that your child has ever participated in, and though they are all wonderful things, just looking at your calendar for the month ahead can cause a state of mental strain! And this comes after long, demanding days at the office. It's enough to wear even the strongest down.

If you were to self-assess in this very moment how stressed you are, how would you rate?

If you'd like a little help in determining your stress levels, consider taking this short quiz from Psych Central (psychcentral.com):

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/stress-test.htm

Emotional and mental tension from life's demands can take its toll on our mental and physical health and contribute to many health issues. An article from the Mayo Clinic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987) cites these negative symptoms of stress:

On your body:

• Headache
• Muscle tension or pain
• Chest pain
• Fatigue
• Change in sex drive
• Stomach upset
• Sleep problems

On your mood:

• Anxiety
• Restlessness
• Lack of motivation or focus
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Irritability or anger
• Sadness or depression

Many of us have fond memories of summer break. No school, sleeping in, running barefoot, catching lightning bugs, throwing water balloons, sipping lemonade, swimming, picnicking, camping -- all wonderful earmarks of the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. It was a time of refreshing between the demands of the school semesters. When we were kids, my brothers and I would play hide-and-go-seek until it was too dark to see where we were running. I remember the exhilarating feeling of sprinting back to the old ash tree just steps ahead of my chasing brothers, tangled hair flying as my swift, grass-stained feet carried me to the safety of base. Even if your summers were spent indoors, or taking a summer class, or working at your first job, the season still usually signifies a refreshing break in the routine, a change of pace. But how often do we get that time of refreshing in our adult lives? Seasons come and go and we plod on, day in and day out, consistently meeting demands and solving problems with no respite, leaving us exhausted.

Changing up your schedule to spend time to do things you enjoy is a valuable way to combat stress. The obvious thing to do is to take some time off work and go on vacation. But many can't afford to take the time off, or have the funds to do so. Yet they need a break as much as the next person! Look how Maya Angelou celebrated author, poet, and historian so succinctly states it:

"Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us."

Here, here! We all probably agree, but how do withdraw if time and funds are a constraint? It's really quite simple. For the moment, put aside your visions of lavishly escaping to a tropical island in the South Pacific, and just daydream for a moment about things do you like to do when you have some free time. Maybe it's just taking a walk at lunch. Or riding your bike. Maybe you like to fish. Maybe it's listening to your favorite tunes, or shooting basketball, reading a book, or going on a jog. Maybe your thing is to meet a dear friend for coffee. Or visit a museum, or browse your favorite clothing store. You may be one who likes to hike, or binge-watch your favorite show or ... take a nap!

I have found that I have to escape city life from time to time to find my place of refreshment. I keep my tent and camping gear tucked neatly away in the trunk of my car, so that at a moment's notice (i.e., 5:01 pm on a Friday afternoon), I can hop in my car and take a short drive out of town to find a scenic spot to set up camp. For me, something about physically removing myself from the city and escaping to the mountains instantly renews my sense of excitement and wonder. Add to that breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air, feasting my eyes on greens and blues (green trees, green grass, blue skies, blue waters), and turning off my cell phone! gives my soul the peace it longs for.

Whatever it is that suits your fancy, make sure it's something that you truly enjoy and has nothing to do with your day to day routine that leaves you drained. But you'll find that the most difficult part of refreshing is not determining what to do, but when. It's easy to decide that activities that serve no purpose other than fun aren't as important as our day-to-day work demands that shout so loudly, and just push the fun stuff aside. You're going to have to make a commitment to fun. Maybe you can carve out a new morning routine before the commute. Maybe you can find some time at lunch to have some down time. Maybe one evening a week you can leave the office right at 5 pm and go play. Or take a half day on the weekend and commit to spending that time doing something you love. Though fun may not seem as vital as work, truth is, we need both.

"There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither." -- Alan Cohen

When is the last time you did something just because it was fun? And if it's been way too long, how are your stress levels? Our souls need refreshing and it's important we figure out how to provide this form of self-care for ourselves. As summer approaches, try to carve out some time for fun. Your body and soul will thank you for it!

"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men." -- Roald Dahl

Using social intelligence to keep employees engaged

You hear a lot about emotional intelligence these days, but what do you know of social intelligence? Social intelligence is the ability to be aware of how others are feeling, in the moment, and manage your behavior in a way that nourishes the relationship. Social intelligence is two-fold: 1-social awareness and 2-relationship management.

Social awareness comes in the form of empathy, situational insight, and having a heart to serve others, all qualities within ourselves we can develop with the help of assessments to establish self-awareness, good coaching, and old fashioned practice-makes-perfect. Learning to put yourself in other's shoes, picking up on social cues, and doing kind things for others--like buying that box of doughnuts on National Doughnut Day--are skills you can push yourself to embrace and improve upon. Managing relationships can be a little tougher. Whenever other people are involved, it's suddenly no longer just about us (the part we have jurisdiction over). As much as we'd like to, we can't control what others do. But what we can do is focus on our behavior that can help elicit a desirable response from others.

Learning others--who they are, what they are motivated by, where they've come from, where they want to go--is a skill that gives us insight into how to manage our relationships toward positive connections. It's especially important in leadership as we aspire to steer and guide our teams. In order to motivate and inspire employees to reach company objectives and goals, we have to know what makes them 'tick'. And it's not a one-size-fits-all formula. While doughnuts may do the trick for some, others want you to show an interest in their personal life, remembering their birthday and their kids' names, while others are simply motivated by a raise. Each person comes with their own unique set of history, schema, personality, and skill sets, and discovering what those are with each team member can take a lot of effort -- and time.

“Employees who believe that management is concerned about them as a whole person – not just an employee – are more productive, more satisfied, more fulfilled. Satisfied employees mean satisfied customers, which leads to profitability.” –Anne Mulcahy

Statistics show that it may be worth the effort. In a study done by Dale Carnegie Training, they found that $11 billion is lost annually due to employee turnover. Companies with engaged employees outperform those who don't by 202%. And the shocking reality check: 71% of all employees are not fully engaged.(www.dalecarnegie.com/employee-engagement)

The good news is that relationship management skills can be learned and improved. After an insightful self-assessment into your social + emotional intelligence, teaming up with a certified social + emotional intelligence coach can help you begin to make shifts in these vital areas of relationship health:

• Communication
• Interpersonal effectiveness
• Powerful influencing skills
• Conflict management
• Inspirational leadership
• Catalyzing change
• Building bonds
• Teamwork & collaboration
• Coaching & mentoring others
• Building trust

Learning to develop a keen sense of awareness for others' feelings, needs and concerns, and responding accordingly, can be a great factor toward the success of your endeavors.

“Connect the dots between individual(s) and the goals of the organization. When people see that connection, they get a lot of energy out of work. They feel the importance, dignity, and meaning in their job.” –Ken Blanchard

What the world needs now

"What the World Needs Now Is Love" was a song recorded in 1965, made popular by Jackie DeShannon. The chorus lyrics are as follows:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It's the only thing that there's just too little of

What the world needs now is love, sweet love,

No not just for some but for everyone.

While there is no doubt in my mind that this world could use more love, I would like to propose one minor change to the words:

What the world needs now is emotional intelligence, sweet emotional intelligence,

It's the only thing that there's just too little of

What the world needs now is emotional intelligence, sweet emotional intelligence,

No not just for some but for everyone.

Of course, it doesn't have the same ring and flow of the original, but with reports of yet another mass shooting, and violence of varying degrees from domestic fights to conflicts at the international level, can anyone disagree that this world could benefit from a little more emotional intelligence? Imagine a world where we all could be aware of our how we're feeling, whether negative or positive, and respond accordingly, managing our own behavior to have a positive impact on others? And add to that the ability to read how others are feeling, in the moment, and manage those relationships appropriately, improving competencies like communication, empathy, conflict management, teamwork & collaboration, just to name a few. Can you dream with us about what a different world this could be?

Those of you who have been trained in emotional intelligence coaching are out there helping others realize that behaviors, especially negative ones, CAN be changed, and that we can 'grow up' in our social + emotional intelligence (S+EI). I have no doubt that you are making a positive impact on the clients, teams, and organizations you are working with to make this world a better place. We thank you and applaud you for your dedicated efforts to this cause.

But it's not enough. As the lyrics of the song confirm, it's not enough for just a few to possess emotional intelligence. It's not just for some...it's for everyone.

Help us spread awareness of the importance of S+EI and the positive impact it can have on our lives so everyone can benefit from it. Tell your friends and colleagues about it, share the articles you read about it on social media, and encourage those you know to start doing the work needed to change poor behaviors and raise our levels of S+EI. Present a workshop about it to your local Chamber of Commerce or Rotary Club. Write a blog about it. Talk about it with friends over dinner. Teach your children about it. Offer to give a talk at a local school. Take an assessment with your spouse and work with a coach to improve your relationship. Share one of Daniel Goleman's books written about it with a coworker. Recommend S+EI coach training to other coaches you know, or if you haven't already, consider taking it yourself. Have a trained professional come in and speak on it at your next company luncheon. The more of us who are actively involved in raising the awareness levels around S+EI, the more people can be aware of their own and others' emotions, the more people who can start doing the work to manage behavior to create healthier, happier lives.

Sound too heavy? Maybe so. But we at the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence happen to be big fans of social + emotional intelligence and place great importance on its relevance and impact upon our world. And the more people that can help with this the better. Contact us with questions or to learn more about how you can measure your own S+EI, or about becoming a certified S+EI coach, and join in a cause that can make a difference.

No, not just for some, oh, but just for everyone...

An Attitude of Gratitude

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” –William Arthur Ward

A few years back, I was determined, despite my bleak circumstances, to somehow make the coming year one of the best. I bought a colorful jar at a local thrift shop and brought it home, cleaned it up, and placed it on a prominent shelf in our living room. Each day, if and when something positive happened that caught me by surprise, I took a moment to jot the event down on a scrap of paper and toss it in the jar, with hopes of filling it by year end.

Some happenings were notable blessings, others just small acts of kindness, or a glimpse of beauty. Someone bought me dinner. I found a hidden $20 in an old coat pocket. The sunrise was an orange-pink creamsicle. I was invited to meet Peyton Manning at a breakfast. My car started again after stalling out. None of these were life-changing, in and of themselves. But I found the more odds and ends I wrote down, the more I began noticing the remarkable things that were happening all around me throughout the day. I wondered if other years had been like this, full of successes and joys, and I just hadn’t noticed. Six months passed and the jar was overflowing. I had to get another jar.

A study was done by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCoullough on the impact gratitude has on our well being. They put people into three groups — one group with instructions to simply keep a daily journal, no specifications as to content. The second group was to only record negative experiences, and the third to make a list of things they were thankful for. The results? Those who daily expressed their gratitude experienced less stress and depression and had higher levels of enthusiasm, energy, and determination, concluding that those in the third group were more likely to make progress toward the achievement of personal goals and exhibit an optimistic view of life.

I’m not much for get-rich-quick schemes, but I do believe that incorporating gratitude into our daily lives is an easy and practical way to increasing a sense of abundance. Realistic optimism, a trait of emotional intelligence, results from seeing opportunities despite negative obstacles around us. It’s that ability to see challenges as hurdles that can be leaped, being unfazed by defeat, and operating from a mindset of success rather than a fear of failure. It’s not that the negative things no longer exist, or happen; it’s that we no longer primarily focus on them and let them bog us down.

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” –Brene Brown

On New Year’s Eve of that year, I emptied my jars. Seeing the hundreds of notes spread out across my bed, and reading the little snippets of love, joy, and wonder that I experienced the year before, many of which I’d forgotten, made my heart sing. I felt like the richest girl on earth! This practice of expressing gratitude in writing changed my heart from the inside out and completely refreshed my perspective.

If you’re struggling to find the good in your day-to-day life, don’t wait until the start of the new year to develop the mindset of gratitude. November is as good of month as any to start. It may be a stretch at first to even find one positive thing in your day worthy of writing down, but try it. Search for them, if needed, as you’d scour the house for a valuable possession you misplaced. Keep your eyes, ears, and hearts attuned to even the tiniest of blessings, no matter how silly they may seem.

Then let me know how your jar’s looking by June.

“To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.” — Robert Emmons

A Time to Let Go

Do you have someone in your life that you're still not speaking to? That one you haven't forgiven, or let go of the hurt they inflicted? The one that said the mean, hateful words behind your back, or who fired you without cause, or who offended you by their selfish actions? Broken relationships sit in our stomach like a sick pit and can leave us handcuffed to some pretty ugly emotions. Listen, the pain you're feeling -- it's valid. The hurt that comes from a friend is probably one of the worst. And the feelings that accompany that hurt are no fun to deal with -- loss of appetite, listlessness, depressed, sad...you probably have your own set of feelings you can add to the list.

And while we can't fix all relationships that end...we can choose to forgive the hurt and let it go.

Is it time to let that someone in your life off the hook?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ” -- Carrie Fisher

For some, the word forgive has religious overtones, and reminds us of a nicety we learned in Sunday School. "Forgive and you shall be forgiven." But the word simply means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Simple, right? Just stop feeling angry and resentful. Easier said than done, I know. I mean, they hurt you. It was uncalled for. Out of the blue. Done in a very poor manner, in a way that may have embarrassed you, or in what felt like a personal attack on your personality or character. The natural reaction is anger or resentment and that is completely normal. Our next step (and often a healthy next step) is to close off that friendship, at least for a time being, to reduce any chance of further hurt. This is a normal way to protect ourselves and a stage of the grieving process when a friendship is lost.

But how long you get to hang on to the hurt and resentment? Of course there is no formula, no time table, that works for everyone. The time it takes to heal and forgive is going to vary with each of us. But know this -- the longer we hang onto the hurt and resentment, the more comfortable we get with those feelings, and the harder it is to let them go. It can easily become our new 'safe place', like a cozy blanket we curl up with on the couch. It is warm and comforting and keeps us insulated from the pain. But it also can keep us on the couch and prevent us from moving forward. You'll know if you're settling in with it. You'll play back the situation where the hurt happened over, and over, and over again. You'll hear yourself talking about it to others -- often. You'll have pretend conversations with the person in your head, finally saying all the things you wish you could've said to them in the moment. And then -- you'll do the same the next day. And the next. And the next. And I get it. Again -- it hurt, and hurt, well, hurts! But the longer we wait to let something go, the more comfortable it's going to become, and the harder it can be to release those ugly feelings. The thought of forgiving can be frightening. I mean, what would we do if we reconciled? Would we have to get our lives together and move on? Possibly stop using it as an excuse and take some steps down a new path? And what would we talk about to our friends at the holiday party?!

The process of forgiving would be so much easier if the person came to you first and said I'm sorry. Got down on their knees even and begged you to forgive them. Sent you flowers. Wrote you a long letter telling you how they so much wish they could take it back. Gave you money. Bought you a vacation. Announced to the world how wrong they were and committed to being forever in your service. Sometimes that happens. But sometimes it doesn't. And if it doesn't, do you carry the anger and resentment until they do? Or...is there a different choice?

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." -- Robert Brault

Change is hard. Forgiving someone is hard. Life is hard. But we can do hard things.

Emotional intelligence allows us the ability to read how we're feeling in the moment, and manage our behavior appropriately. Most likely you're very aware you're mad at this person. Pat yourself on the back -- that is a good start and your emotional self-awareness is keen. But how is that behavior part going for you? How is holding on that anger and resentment working for you?

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others-- it only changes yours.” -- Shannon L. Alder

The holiday season is a time to connect with loved ones, new and old. It's a time of celebration, and laughter, and joy. Carrying the pain of a past hurt only dampens the holiday cheer. What a better time than this season to make the choice to let something go? Of course there will be those who have made choices that deem them unhealthy to let back into your life. You'll need to determine the level of connection you maintain with the person depending on the safety and health of that person. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you now become best friends. But you can be free of the pain they caused. The choice to yours--to forgive, and be free.

It's a tough thing to do, but the freedom you'll feel on the other side will be worth it. Is it time to give it a try?

I hope you do. And if not now -- maybe soon. Either way -- at some point give yourself this precious gift of freedom. It'll be the best gift you've ever received!